I can't do this...

[Aubrey Skye]

Gals, I'm freaking out. I've never felt so lost and confused about life. I've always just considered myself to be a crossdresser, but a very heterosexual male, in that I like women. I still mostly feel that way. But the urge to dress and more-so, be a woman, is charging at me full force right now. I don't think I could live full time as a woman, but the thought of it excites me. Honestly, I've repressed my feelings about this for most of my life knowing what it is or who I am (still not sure about that part obviously). This is mostly due to growing up in a very Christian home and feeling like I was sinning by doing it or thinking about it and my family, when they discovered it by invading my privacy on my computer, didn't accept it. They saw it as a phase, something I'd "grow out of." This hurt me very deeply. They made no effort to discover my feelings on it or find out why I felt this way. They brushed it aside and ignored it. This past year they have apologized for doing that for me and not being there for me. I have forgiven them and I love my family. But what is through discovery of myself I find I am wanting to be a woman more than a man or what not? I can't lose my family. And I know what everyone will say. Be yourself and screw them! I wish it were that simple for me. As I'm typing this, eyes filled with tears and stomach filled with knots, wanting to throw up, I need advice or encouraging words or something. I can't continue to live this way. I need to find out who I am. But I'm so scared. I don't know what of. That maybe I do want to be a woman. That maybe I'll lose my family. That maybe I'll never know what I am, but I am so so scared.

Side note: I'm also struggling with sexuality. I'm very attracted to women. No doubts about that. But I've had very bisexual fantasies, mostly dressed as a woman, so is that still straight or bisexual? I'm lost...

[Gardener]

This is not a happy place to be but all too familiar. I am pretty sure that members will give you plenty of advice based on their own experiences. It is important to do what feels right for you and not to feel that you have to follow a particular route. In practice many of us have had to deal with the multiplicity of confused feelings On their own but I think it is far from ideal. If you could seek a counsellor who can be a sounding post for you that might be good but do not expect a quick fix to the turmoil. Maybe a friend or even family member you trust, but that is always a bit of a risk. I spent years trying to sort out this part of myself or at least to get to a comfortable place: I made it hard for myself through denial and allowing guilt and shame to punish me. The reality is that human beings are complex, issues of gender, sexuality are all in the grey zone. Good luck

[Tina_gm]

Ashley, my advice would be just to slow down. Slow yourself down and not worry. Just take each day as it comes. Whatever and whoever you are, if you want to do good, mean no harm to others than you are a good person first and foremost. That is more important than which side of the gender fence we are on

[sometimes_miss]

For the 'side note'. You go to the beach, lake, river, whereever people go swimming. Say, a guy is coming from one direction, a girl from the other. Who does your gaze naturally go towards? When you go to the beach, who do you spend the vast majority of time looking at? I mean, just naturally look at, getting pleasure from looking at them. I noticed that I never look at men for more than a second, but will gaze at beautiful women for as long as she's in view. I will sit in front of a computer, scrolling through hot chick threads for hours on end, saving pictures of the best. I must have 100,000 or more pics saved in the past 20 years. All female. Think about it; what you enjoy looking at. That will help you figure out where your sexuality lies.

As far as your sexual self identification, that will require more extensive self examination, and it can take a long time. I figured out mine, took decades. I don't know if any applies to you, but you can read my bio on what caused my crossdressing and gender dysphoria in my bio, link in the sig at the bottom of my posts. hope it helps.

[AmandaJ_DK]

I can very much relate to your situation, Ashley. In fact, coincidently, I found this topic just as I got out of bed after a night filled with very little sleep and very many concerns in the direction you're also thinking. My situation is slightly different, in that no one has found out about me - yet - and that my biggest concern right now is my girlfriend. I've been considering coming out for a while now, but this night was just hell, because my mind kept going about this. I couldn't knock it out of my head and I couldn't get any rest.

Like you, I also feel that I can't continue to live like I am, hiding this side of me. Like you, I'm terribly scared of how people around me would react, especially my girlfriend of course. I don't want to lose my girlfriend, but I know I can't lose Amanda either. She's stuck in me.

Furthermore, I've also had those bisexual fantasies. I haven't acted out on it and I don't want to get a boyfriend instead of my girlfriend, but I also get this doubt. Like sometimes_miss says, maybe think about who it is you're looking at on the beach or in the street. I can think a guy looks hot if I see him on the street or in the gym, but it's still the female body that attracts most of my attention.

I guess that all the things I've said here isn't really much of a help for you, but I just thought you should know you're not alone. As said, I can really relate to how you feel and I've got those same knots in my stomach right now, writing this. I can't tell you what to do or how to get over this, but maybe my post can at least be a little encouraging to you. I wish you all the best, Ashley!

[docrobbysherry]

U sound young, Ash. If so, I like Mutt's advice. There's no reason to make a rash decision now. Just take it easy and see where you're going with this. U have your entire life to work it all out. I'm 70, and I'm far from having "all the answers".

As far as being bi? I've read countless posts here from other, "straight guys", discussing their fantasy of being the woman with a man. I experienced it myself. And, after 50 years of being a straight man with zero gender issues? I wondered how I'd suddenly become gay? I soon worked out that since nothing about men attracts me, it was simply the idea of being the woman having sex that appealed to me! And, after awhile those fantasies faded away.

If u ever feel overwhelmed, I suggest chatting with some of us privately here. Or, see a qualified, experienced therapist near u.

[Katey888]

Ashley/Madison...

Don't Panic!

What you are feeling is not wrong, is not bad, and is probably not permanent... I suspect a lot of this will be related to your relatively new found freedom to explore this aspect of you; perhaps some of it coming back and reading things here; but more significantly the conflict with years and years of conditioning that the gender contention you are experiencing is wrong, and feelings you have associated with that and sexuality are also wrong... and all of that is happening at a rush... so...

#1 Keep Calm & Carry On... but try to slow down and pace yourself...

#2 Most CDs will have those thoughts, feelings and fantasies (although many will not admit to it..) - thinking about anything does not make it real! Has anyone ever suffered road rage and thought 'If you cut me up, I'm just driving into you...' - and nothing happens - that does not make us all psychopaths.... Thinking these things and exploring these feelings are just what intelligent beings do as part of life - it does not mean you are going to act on them.

#3 As much as there is stigma attached to being a CD, there is also stigma and bigotry associated with being gay and bi... (yes - even here...) - but this is societal (and religious) conditioning... Being a CD and TG is a very confusing state of mind... I believe myself to be hetero - but after being a member here for a couple months, reading and absorbing, one starts to ponder on what drives gender and sexuality... Many other folks here are open that they have fantasies about 'being the female' - it doesn't mean that all of them take action on that, although some do. I'll admit I have fantasies about women while dressed... "What?" I hear shocked voices say... " A male thinking about sex..?" Yeah - about 20-30 times a day... it's not unusual, it's natural - and exploring these feelings in your mind is totally OK.

#4 You're still very young - even though you seem to have been through a lot in life already - you are still exploring and developing.. don't sweat it right now... slow it down and let it go where it's going to go...

You might want to consider counselling if this continues.. speaking to someone face-to-face can really help you work through these things...

Take it easy...

Katey x

[Kate Simmons]

When you dress analyze your feelings about it and be honest. Understanding your feelings is the key to understanding yourself and what you may want and eventually how you will proceed. What you are isn't as important as who you are as a person. Keep that in mind.

[Kaze_]

I'd say calm down and let things come out naturally.

I've always considered myself heterosexual, but I managed to end up in a very "close" relationship with another guy... I decided it wasn't for me, but I'm still a "I love who I love" sort of person.

I've seen other users here talk about fantasy of being with a guy as a girl, its not uncommon. Unfortunately I don't really experience this, so I don't have much more input.


I still run into days when I'm dressed I just stop and think... "Sigh... why can't I just do this all the time". The days when I'm frustrated with myself for being too emotional or effeminate in my actions. I start thinking how it'd be easier to fit myself into a female societal role so to speak... The internal strife can be terrible, but it can be worked through. Just writing about it and talking with others helps massively with me...

[suzigee]

Hi , your comment about wanting to be the woman having sex with a man , is absolutely true , i am not attracted to men when i am not dressed , but as soon as i slip into some stockings ,i turn into a bi nympho and desire close contact with a male , always safe of course , well if you can consider certain actions as relatively safe , but all other is protected , when dressed i just need to submit to a male and sex makes me feel so much more fem , i guess i will after some time lose a little of my interest in male anatomy and friendship , love and company with my man will replace it , at this time i have a male lover ,unlike me he is vwe and perhaps this is an attraction for me.

[flatlander_48]

AB:

As mentioned, there is NO rush to any of this. Often all that does is lead one to a convenient, but incorrect, conclusion.

Whatever we are, gay, straight or bisexual, really has nothing to do with crossdressing. It was determined long before anyone touched the first article of feminine clothing. That said, dressing can be a trigger to punch through years of suppressing our true selves. Initially it becomes a way to experience a certain set of feelings without upheaval in our daily lives. For many, that's as far as it goes. For some, only an extensive restructuring of ones life and being will do.

Where you are in this continuum, no one can say exactly at this point. It is a process alternating of discovery and thought without a timetable. Personally, one thought that I keep coming back to is that I am very fortunate to be here and be able to consider these questions. It doesn't take a lot for things to be very different.

[Marcelle]

Hi Ashley,

Nobody ever said this thing we do is going to clear and concise. In fact it is the complete opposite . . . confusing. You indicated you hid this for most of your life and given your age I am going to assume you are just beginning to explore Ashley. It is common that once you start down the path and feel the joy it brings you, it becomes intoxicating and may lead to some confusing thoughts. Do you want to become a woman? Sweetie only you can answer that question. Being TG/CD is one thing but being TG/TS is another and if you truly feel you were born the wrong gender it will be evident in your psyche. While this is a great place to garner support and advice you also have to remember we are experts in our lives not others. For example, I can tell you in my case I am TG/CD and had similar thoughts when I first started dressing but those began to fizzle as I presented more in public . . . I like my femme time but I still like "male me". So while I am bit further down the TG path I still identify "boy". But that is me . . . not you. I always recommend that if you want to bring order to chaos, firstly breath and relax then seek out a therapist trained in gender identity issues as they will (should ) be objective and will help you along this road to discovery . . . but do your homework as not all therapists are created equal. If you go this route, I would recommend you touch base with a local TG Support Group and ask for the names of some good therapists.

WRT to your sexuality . . . sweetie you are still very young and having exploratory feelings about one's sexuality is not uncommon. Just relax and breath and you will find your way.

Last point . . . we are never truly lost . . . only slightly misplaced

Hugs

Isha

[Maria 60]

I believe we all know were you are coming from. I suggest you relax. Before I was married I always felt the guilt and didn't know why I was like this. After I was married I was tired of hiding and bit the bullet one night and told her everything from the first day I tried on pantyhose to the same morning that I put on her pantyhose. Surprised she was cool about it and told me not to waste my life trying to figure it out and just enjoy it, and ensured me that nothing was wrong with me. That was almost thirty years ago, and I didn't waste to much of my life trying to figure it out but what a roller-coaster ride it has been. It's always been there, some time more then others, this year for some reason it really came on strong and for the first time actually went out fully dressed a few nights, didn't go anywhere special, but did drive around fully dressed and took some big chances, and for some reason the last few months I haven't been dressing much. A few years back we all dressed for Halloween and we went house hopping and we went to my friends, friends house. I was dressed as a hooker and when we were leaving his friend came up to me and told me how much I look like a women and then he lifted my skirt and ran his hand up and down my leg, feeling all my leg and exposing my panties to him. I didn't know what to do so like a women I pulled my skirt down but not before getting so aroused, it was the first time I was felt up by a man. My legs felt weak and I hope nobody noticed but I was instantly aroused. When I got home my wife make a comment if I enjoyed being felt up by a man, I told her how it felt and asked her why I got so aroused with it and was confused about that. She said that I must really believe I am a women when dressed. Never had a man feel me again and don't want to but found myself in a confusing state. I suggest you just take a step back and slow down and take a overall view of the situation. I know we all dress for different reasons but when I look back at mine it's been a up and down ride. Don't freak out and try to see things in a clear light, and you can always turn to us here for help. Always remember we didn't ask for this it was given to us, and as my wife says " just enjoy the gift you have been given".

[Amanda M]

Ashley - you are in such a state of confusion, that I really suspect thet you would benefit from some professional help. In saying that, I am NOT detracting from the advice you have been given here - far from it.

Simply, face to face discussion with some who will not judge you or tell you what to do can help you see the wood from the trees. Therefore (and this is straight from a handout I give to my patients) think about this.

I’m going to suggest that you would benefit from some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also causes the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,
the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealt...ments/cbt.aspx

If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm

Also, there is a book called ”Feeling good - the new mood therapy” by Dr. David Burns. It has a hand book which gives you practical exercises to work through and further instructions on how to better use CBT. I really do recommend it.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies By Rhena Branch, Rob Willson is also pretty good.

Best, Amanda

[Melanie B]

Hi Ashley,
I'm not sure why others are assuming that you are young. I'm nearly 60, and a lot of what you have written is EXACTLY what I feel. I'm afraid age hasn't given me any ideas about how to deal with it myself, so I can't offer you any advice. But if it's any help, I'm crying the same tears as you...and I can promise you that we are not alone.
Hugs, Mel

[Nadya]

Coming here is a good start to getting a handle on things. From my experience, coming to the realization that this is a part of you can be freeing but keeping things from people you are close to can have unintended effects on you. As you already know, hiding it can make you feel horrible. The one thing on your side is your age. If your girlfriend is of similar age I would say that it is possible she will be accepting but then again only you know her well enough to determine that. I will say that when I came out to my fiancé, she accepted me and that has brought us closer together but I'm a lucky one as I've heard many stories where it goes terribly wrong.

Sexual confusion is common in this community. Many of us have been there. It seems that wanting to emulate a woman can sometimes lead to thinking about what it would be like to have sex like a woman which can be thrilling to think about. You just need some time to think things through. Just know we are here for you if you need to chat.

[CarlaWestin]

Ashley, I've read all of the posts here and I certainly validate all of the responses. Whenever I see a post from someone in your situation, the first thing I check is the age in the profile. Yes, 23 was a confusing time for most all of us here. I'm not going to redundantly suggest the advice others have offered but, at your age I learned a fabulous life hack that has paid off brilliantly over the years.

I was so confused and full of anxiety at your age that I decided to see a therapist. The very first thing he said was,

"What we do here is get to the heart of the matter."

I really don't recall much if the sessions but that one concept just stuck with me through life. With every challenge and frustration in life, you have to peel the onion layers of confusion away to get to the clear truth. And once the truth is established, nothing else matters.

At nearly 60 years old, I'm confident and successful and I'm a crossdresser. And I don't have any issues with any of it.

Also, you'll notice that 99% of all anxiety that you endure, someone else brought to you. Now, that's a real life hack.

Good luck and remember, it's OK to be happy.

[hope springs]

Well you got plenty of great advice. Its not easy, and it is scary. Society and your family say one thing, you feel a different way.
Here is how i rationalized it. You get one life, one finite period of time to explore this world. Dont waste it on what others expect. Im not saying dismiss your family's feelings. I understand they are important to you. A compromise is in order. Like someone said, find a family member you can trust and tell them what you told us. Then find someone like us (CD/TG etc..) and share your thoughts. Compare the advice each side gives you and figure out which feels right, the most authentic.
There is no right way to be one of us. Some are gay, some bisexual, some just have fantasies. Thats me. Straight but indulge in lots of bi fantasies. That doesnt make you bi, its just exploration. The thing is to shed the guilt and get down to exploring this. Read the threads here, particularly the one called ' so how straight are you'... You will see our preferences are all over the gender spectrum. You fall somewhere on the spectrum, you owe it to yourself to find out where. Find out fearlessly, own it. Its your life, so embrace it. Please keep us updated, keep your chin up, heart open and your mind free

[Stephanie47]

I have not read all the other comments before posting. Firstly, age 23 a very young age to have gone through one marriage already. Secondly, if you're fantasizing about sexual attraction to males while dressed as a woman, well.. that's a fantasy. Most of us fantasize about a lot of things and it does not make adopt a real life personna. Yes, I've fantasized about a lot of things if I were a woman. Well, I'm not a woman. I have never acted on my fantasies.

The conflict that is probably gnawing at your leg is the cross dressing issue-period. I was raised in a faith where I was told if I did not do this or that I was going to hell. The pastor was fire and brimstone. There was nothing said about the Lord's mercy and love. The pastor always said, "Stay with your own," as in your very own restricted faith. Shit, that excluded all of my friends; Catholics, Jews, whoever did not fit the mold. Sexuality? Premarital sex was out! Self stimulation was out! Being gay or lesbian was a one way trip to hell on the fast train. Cross dressing = gay! If my mom and dad found out about my dabbling in mom's lingerie draw, I'm sure my ass would have been beaten to a pulp. I think they knew but couldn't prove it.

So, what do you do! First, DON'T try to fit into someone else's mold. Be yourself. Don't be in denial. If you're parents are going to be in denial, them let them. It's a tough choice to make, i.e., being yourself or fitting into the mold that is not you.

This cross dressing thing can be a monster. I guess most call it a "pink fog." In life, as a general statement, moderation in anything you do.

[AngelaYVR]

So much has already been written so I'll be brief: before I told my wife about my dressing I was going crazy. My routine had progressed from panties and stockings to the complete look. There were a few months that I couldn't concentrate at work and was seriously considering hooking up with other CDs for "encounters" despite this being completely out of character for me. Then one day the dam broke and I told my wife. Not an easy few days followed but thereafter I found peace again. My mind settled, I had found validation. Some things are simply too big to keep contained without cracks developing, you need an outlet. Try finding someone to talk to before you act out on things you might regret.

Peace and hugs,
Angela xx

[Aubrey Skye]

Thank you all so much for the support, kind words, and especially the advice. It has all been so helpful. I do believe I need to see a therapist. I am actually seeing one right now, however it is a Christian based counselor that, of course, thinks it is wrong. So I have made the decision to stop going to her. But my problem is my area is hard to find a therapist who I can trust with this and be unbiased and help me. Living in the Bible Belt is certainly hard. And my area is very small, everyone knows everyone or someone who knows someone. But yes I agree. I will be looking to go to someone to help me with this. I realize it's definitely what I need.

Thanks for the advice on the sexualilty it part. You all gave great advice on it and has helped me understand a little more about it. I needed it.

But again I just want to thank everyone. This forum is such a blessing and I'm so happy to be here. Thank you all, much love!

[Beverley Sims]

Ashley,
It seems that you are young and just starting out.
The feelings you have are quite normal from my point of view.
Others have searching questions that you should read and digest.
I don't think you need an analyst or anything like that, slow down, take stock of your feelings and realise that you are as normal as the next cross dresser.

[SamanthaSometimes]

You received much good advice here so I'll not repeat it. However, I will address your Christian counselor situation. From your words it appears your Christian counselor may be one whose only source for resolving all of life’s issues is the Bible rather than being a fully trained psychologist with clinical credentials and experience. There is a major difference between the two. The former are often hired by churches to espouse ‘what does God’s word have to say about your situation?’ The latter are in business to help people without a preconceived agenda trained by those who have studied empirical research based on human observation and treatment. My wife and I are Christians. When choosing a counselor for our joint sessions working through our CD issues, I was emphatic that we only see a clinical and credentialed counselor who was also a Christian. And preferably someone who had a PhD in clinical psychology with gender identity experience. This requirement filtered out the bible thumping counselors who immediately quote irrelevant scripture Deuteronomy 22:5 “A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman's garment; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God.” Read some of the other Deuteronomic code in that chapter which discusses a vast number of rules and rituals to be followed: 1) Don't take a mother bird from her nest, 2) Don't plant crops with vines, 3) Don't wear cloth combined of wool and linen, …and it goes on and on. Many of the laws are ridiculous by current moral standards and not indicative of New Testament understanding. After much research, I’ve concluded many churches' beliefs about CD are not scripturally based rather are what they desire in their congregations. And indeed ‘what they want in their congregations’ changes over time because it’s not scripturally based – but that’s an entirely different thread.
Christian CDers often fight a battle on two fronts: social (like everyone else) and religious as well. Finding a clinical and credentialed counselor who also happens to be a Christian will be helpful because they are likely to better understand the religious bigotry you may face. When people are ill, do they usually go to licensed medical doctors trained in physical healing or to Christian counselors for spiritual healing? Why should your mental and personal situation be any different?

[Alice Torn]

I am 60, and like Melanie, still relate to what you are going through, and still going through some confusion. My family of origin other than mother is near, and very unapproving of GLBT, and dressing. They don't know i do, as far as i know. As for therapists, they can be way too expensive for some of us, unless they have low income ones, with sliding scales. A 12 step group of some kind can help.. Writing down all you feelings and thoughts, good, bad, and ugly helps too. Take it slow and easy. One day at a time.

[Aubrey Skye]

Samantha, you are pretty much right. I started at this place because of it and well a porn addiction...I started with the owner of the business (about 8 counselors there in all, some with masters+, some without). He began my therapy and his thoughts were the same on crossdressing. From the start is was just wrong and he gave me some pretty good reasons and some good scriptures backing his claims, but I still don't think it fully answered why it was wrong to God. More things came up (I have many other issues including mood disorder and anxiety disorder) and had to start coming weekly. I couldn't afford to do that with him due to price. So I started seeing another lady there. She has a four year degree in psychology, no formal training or background in counseling. She actually doesn't even get paid...I know all of that sounds bad and I'm coming to find it is. She is a wonderful woman (who is also blind) and is very helpful. But you can tell there is a lack of training that I need. I do plan on finding a therapist who is a LPC and see if they can help. I would love to find one who does have a Christian background too, because I do still believe wholeheartedly in my faith. I just hope that I can find that.