loosing it

[Sara82]

i've denied my transgender feelings and need for expression for a good number of years. I was starting to progress about 4 years ago, and then out of fear i abandoned any progress that i was making. I ended up going for the normal life instead, bought a house, settled down, had a child, etc. fast forward, now four years later, i've literally been knocked out by a bout of depression, anxiety, regret, angry, you name it.

i've come clean again with my spouse and we've somewhat developed an action plan to separate over the next few months, so that i can get my life together. Having a young child still makes things complicated though, and everything feels like a HUGE burden to bear. I feel crippled with this burden, and have no motivation to do anything. I feel alone, scared, trapped.

i can't seem to function at all with normal day to day stuff. Has anyone else had to go through a break-up but be forced to live together with that person, i just want to run away, but i can't because my child needs me. How does someone in this stage take care of someone, when they can't even take care of of their self....

[MonicaJean]

Sara, I feel for you, living with someone you’re breaking up with seems like a toxic hell stew. You’re doing the right thing by being true to yourself, your spouse and your child. Thing is, right now it sure doesn’t feel like it.

Now that a decision has been made on future path, I strongly suggest not dwelling on any of it, only concern yourself with what the only thing you have: today. You can’t control tomorrow or any day thereafter, but you have a plan, stick to it and be the best person you can each & every day.

What other goals do you have for yourself during this painful time of moving forward?

[Rogina B]

I suspect that many of us have felt like "a trapped beast of burden"..I know that I went through that. It is the stress caused by the uncertainty of it all that causes lack of concentration,and that probably won't change for the better until you start reaching some of your own goals..Not sure why your child needs you if everything is a mess,which would be pretty normal with what you told us..Do YOU have a plan for yourself? Dependents,living costs,financial obligations,combined with homefront drama will test anyone to the max..

[KellyJameson]

I lived with that feeling of being broken and incapable of taking care of myself or others for a long time.

It's worse when you refuse to admit that your are transsexual even though everything you are doing points to the fact that you are and you even know you are although you refuse to allow the recognition to stay in your conscious mind for longer than a few moments before the terror of admitting the truth forces you to slam your mind shut against it.

You can never escape it for long and I think of it as trying to push a beach ball under water that wants to constantly pop up to the surface again. Gender identity is relentless when it is refused recognition and life expression.

I tried to "be normal" by making myself do what "normal people do" in an attempt to escape myself as my gender identity.

For me it created a type of haunting where this identity keep after me constantly, insisting that I live it.

The more you build a "normal life" to escape yourself the longer you stay crippled. It has a sinking feeling like quicksand that is pulling you under because with every step toward "normalcy" you know you are losing more of yourself as to what you are suppose to be. Depression and anxiety are only parts of it.

Anything that gets between you and living your actual gender will seem as both a threat and your salvation as you bounce back and forth between wanting to be "normal" and "genuine"

The only way you will be able to take care of yourself and others is to move toward living truthfully as finding and being that genuine person you know yourself to be.

It applies to gender,sexuality,relationships,work,ect...

You cannot live with a compromised soul.

It takes work and determination made up of thousands of small steps mixed with lots of tears but it can be done.

[Sue Too]

Sara, You have a difficult road to follow. I suggest you find a therapist to help you through the bumps you will be encountering. You need someone to talk to that is not involved with the family. Don't walk this road alone if you don't have to.

Susan in Phoenix

[Sara82]

thanks for the kind words and reassurance that im not the only one ever to deal with this!!. actually just writing this post was some what therapuetic alone.

i have begun therapy and my second session will be tomorrow. i'm ready to get back on track with my life.

what i find amazing in all of this is how powerful the human mind can be but also how unforgiven it can be as well. The last 3 years i've been able to suppress a lot of feelings and create myself what i like to call "distractions" to keep my mind occupied on other things. But sure enough some event or some thought allowed the flood gates to re-open and it literally cripples you. I can say denial is not a healthy thing.

I realize that i can't continue living the way I am, and i need to reach out for help as well as begin my journey of self-discovery. For too long I have hid away from it! I dont see this journey being easy or without pain and my fear and own self image issues are only going to make things harder.Hopefully through trial and error I will rebuild my confidence, thicken my skin and grow.

I feel like i have a new life and a new beginning just waiting! exciting yet scary!!

[Barbara Ella]

Sarah, yes, distractions can work for awhile, but eventually they cease to be a distraction anymore, and are not felt as such, and the true self once again takes over. Sorry your wife could not remain a part of this. My distraction is working so very hard to keep my wife with me as i transition, no matter how slowly. We are together now, and I an on HRT, and undergoing full facial electrolysis (at 68, some things just can't be dragged out). One day it may end as i go one step too far, (oldest GRS I have heard is 77, so who knows....) but nevertheless, it will be a step that i must do, just as now you have steps you must do. I wish you all the best as you continue to rediscover and move on.

Barbara

[DebbieL]

Your story brings back some painful memories. I knew I was transsexual from a very young age, and had always wanted to be a girl, but even when I got married, transition wasn't a viable option. What little information was available was usually through adult literature (aka porn) and even this was very limited. I told my wife I was a cross-dresser, and she asked me to keep it in the bedroom and private.

8 years and two kids later, we finally ended up in couple's counseling. I initiated it because we hadn't had sex in over 2 years, but she started our first session by bringing up my "wardrobe problem". Eventually, he realized that I was type 6 transsexual, he was actually surprised that I was still alive at 30 years old. Most of those with my severity didn't live that long unless they transitioned. But then he pointed out that my wife was not a lesbian, not even bisexual. We had to go our separate ways. She had an affair, then her lover decided he wanted to marry her. We separated when she maxed out my credit cards buying him stereo and furniture, and I asked for the cards back.

A good therapist was critical during this period, and I also had the advantage of a 12 step program (AA/NA) and a really good sponsor. I was able to confront my fear and face reality. I did have to leave my job as well. I moved to a larger city met a woman who LOVED Debbie, and wanted to support me in my transition, and I got a job with a company who knew I was transgender and had a supportive corporate culture - the company was run by mostly women.

It was only when my ex-wife threatened to have my visitation revoked while not reducing my child support that I was forced to abort transition. It almost killed me. I went from 160 lbs to over 330 lbs, had a heart attack and a stroke, and stopped caring. Eventually, I went back to gender therapy counseling and was given more and better information about my condition and my options.

Today, I have a job I love, a woman I love, and a life I love, AS Debbie. In fact those who knew me as Rex and Debbie like Debbie so much better.

There are so many defenses and barriers we erect to protect ourselves emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Many of them are things we created when we were kids or teen-agers to survive a world that was often brutal, violent, and terrifying to people like us. Often, confronted with an unacceptable situation, we turn to drugs, alcohol, and sex to numb the pain, to provide moments of comfort and make life tolerable. Some of us get help from professionals who aren't qualified to deal with our dysphoria.. Somehow, we managed to beat the odds and survived long enough to become adults.

I wish I could be 20 in 2014, and could transition while I was still young and healthy, but as it is I have to play the hand I was dealt. When I told my parents the first time, I was 6 years old. My parents tried to get help and were told by a psychiatrist that the "cure" was shock, torture, and lobotomy. Mom had been through shock and torture herself, so she did everything she could to protect me. There was a covert support, but they made it very clear that I was to tell no one or something terrible would happen. I have often said it felt a bit like being a Jew in Nazi Europe. The only only chance of survival was to pretend to be something you aren't and pretend not to be what you are, and hope to God that nobody finds out.

Even in my early twenties, transition was barbaric. Nerves were severed, damage was done, and many girls had to turn to prostitution, drug dealing, or criminal con games to raise the money to pay for a surgical procedure that cost more than a 5 bedroom house. At the end of my marriage, I had heard of a "Trinidad Special". I lived less than 60 miles from a medical center famous for SRS operations.

The most important thing at this point is to have a therapist you trust who has experience with gender dysphoria. You will have to take many steps and make many changes, but with support from the therapist, you will learn how to create a support network that will support you in your transition. Depending on where you live, you may even be able to get referral to a doctor who will support your HRT and if you want it, SRS.

Sites like this are also a good source of support and encouragement. Seeing the experiences of others who went before me helped me realize that my life-long dream was possible, and that I could live an authentic life if I was willing to take the appropriate committed action.

[Starling]

Sara, you're both brave and lucky. Brave, because you did the hardest thing and came clean, and lucky because you're still young. Don't wait any longer! I loaded my life with responsibilities and relationships--most of them worthy and fulfilling, in themselves--which have paralyzed me in my tracks. I've known for years now that I'm transsexual, and finally had the guts to lay it all out for my wife (after many years of her knowing I dressed), only to retreat in the face of her total and complete intolerance and rejection. At my age, and with my baggage, I knew I couldn't start over unless it came down to transition or death--and I have just barely enough to live for to prefer half a life (with home and family) to none at all (alone, in poor health and living in poverty at retirement age). But it's still torture, every day; the longing, the hurt, the stress.

You'll get through this current painful time, but you're on your way. Don't backtrack!

One who knows,
Lallie

[chelseababy]

Really feel for you

I think that things are looking good at the minute for my wife and I, but for a little while there it definitely wasn't. We discussed splitting up and staying in the same house though so not quite as bad as your situation.

I'm not sure I can give any advice for you on how to deal with this, but its just something that needs to be done and will benefit everyone in the long term. What made my mind up was that all of my denial/deliberation was only going to damage my relationship with my wife and children. I just decided one day that if it had to be that way I would rather split up and remain friends, than put it off for any longer and have her hate me for wasting another 5-10 years of her life.

The bright side about this for you and your family is that the denial is over and a decision has been made now, as transition becomes more certain, and baby steps are being taken towards it your mood will improve and the only way is up from here.

GL, the right decisions aren't always the easiest to make or follow through on...but they have to be made and life will go on eventually x