Feelings of detachment after euphoria

[Helena Gwyn]

Hi

After I saw myself with wig and make-up for the first time earlier this week, I was full of joy and happiness. I was amazed by how I looked and my beautician and aunt confirmed my growing femininity that showed itself more and more spontaneously.
But after that huge amount of euphoria, I woke up yesterday feeling detached and numb. When I look back at my life, I realize I've always been more or less numb to my own feelings, like a zombie, like I never really let myself feel me. Since I accepted my desire to CD'ing, that changed. I felt like a flower that was finally growing.
But after the positive shock of my feminine reflection, I somehow feel that my mind woke up and closed the lid on my true feelings again. "Don't feel, because it's unexplainable" "Don't feel, because the confrontation is to hard" "Don't feel, because no-one will understand." "Don't feel ..." It's like looking from the back of your head. There's a world out there, but you don't feel part of it, you're absent.
When I look at my clothes, I know I feel great in them, different but nice, and then there's this small spark of joy, but it's instantly crushed.

I've had a few big changes in my life recently. I know, being me, I always need a lot of time and peace of mind to settle these changes within myself, but is this recognizable to anyone? It's like I'm suddenly doubting everything I ever felt, afraid of loosing myself, just now when I am (or was) really starting to feel me for the first time.

[Jackie7]

Yes those feelings are familiar to me, as a recollection from the past, when I first had to confront the reality of myself en femme. I loved how I looked and felt (still do), and at the same time I was horrified that this actually was me, and as you report, I shut down unable to feel anything. I suppose the professionals would call it cognitive dissonance. It took a while to work through (I'm recalling events from 15 years ago), and I found myself simultaneously unable to not dress pretty, and unable to not be disturbed in equal measure to my elation. After a while, with a lot of encouragement and approval from my GG mentor and guide (and a lot of discouragement from my then-wife), I found my feelings slowly sliding into alignment with my femme self. The short answer is, for me, it took some time getting used to. But I was on the journey and unable to step off and today I feel quite aligned and pleased in my femme as well as in my guy. Hope you find your way to a good place, and meanwhile, please just give yourself some time and allow yourself to bask in whatever feelings bubble up from within - including the bleak and empty. For me, that included some heavy bouts of tears, I guess a kind of mourning for the smug guy that used to be me.

[Nikki A.]

Changes do create turbulence. But eventually things will settle down. Take it slow and enjoy the feelings.

[Alice Torn]

Helena, You sound a lot like me. I came from a harsh family, where some of the rules, were, "Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel." Guilt and shame, never have heart to heart talk with anyone, so feelings are frozen, denied. Religion also causes us to numb out. Fighting a battle within always. Joy is quickly put out, chronic trauma is the norm. Getting dressed up and beautiful, is fun, and rewarding, but, after ward, numb again, or if sexual release, more guilt and shame. Acceptance does not come easy for some of us. I am still, at 60, having to help care for my 94yo toxic controlling, god playing "father". This has bothered me deeply, makes me feel cursed, and he may well live to 100 or more. He has lived damn well long enough to damage and ruin all his adult kids. I don't know what to tell you, but others are having emotional/mental battles too.Maybe write down your thoughts and feelings,and talk to a therapist, or friend, or learn to accept this side of you, as i am working to do. One day, or minute at a time.

[Isabella Ross]

I think you answered your own question, Helena. If not, several others have answered it for you. Time is our friend when it comes to healing and health, physical or mental. Have to give things time to heal and the implications of your self-discovery to settle and become clear.

[Kate Simmons]

Sometimes when we try to de-program ourselves from what Society has put in us, it's hard at first to adjust. Getting to know yourself and understanding your feelings is the key to real living. No one ever said it was easy doing that but it is well worth the effort.

[Katey888]

Helena, you're fine - and you will be fine..

Give yourself a little time to absorb these feelings and get to a more settled state... what I think you're experiencing is seeing is yourself for the first time in a quite different form: one that you wanted and will grow to enjoy, but one that you are simply not familiar with... But it's still all you!

Just give yourself a little space from this and the time to review what you have done and how it felt and I believe those feelings will stabilise and you will feel better... It probably happens to many of us - I'd expect you'll want to do it again, and the bad and confusing feelings will subside and before very long you'll just be thinking: "How can I do this more - and how can I change my eye makeup..." and other, joyful experimentation...

Go and do something 'normal' for a while - you'll start enjoying those memories very quickly, I'm sure...

And you look great, btw - and very, very happily satisfied...

Katey x

[Beverley Sims]

Helena,
A normal reaction you just feel a little let down for now.

Wait till next time.

[Teresa]

Helena,
Sometimes we overload or overwhelm our senses and it's just your brain readjusting to more normal feelings ! If some of us recall the first time you fully dressed, and remember how your body trembled and afterwards the strange feeling of detachment thinking did that really happen to me ? When you finally do wig and makeup the guy disappears, Helena has finally come out ! Stepping back from that to guy mode will give the feelings you describe !

[sheilagirl]

Don't Worry. It will all be O.K...Let it soak in.

[Rachelakld]

Change often scares most people
As time goes, your self image will adjust it's self to the new (or both versions of) yourself and this will bring balance to your life

[docrobbysherry]

I believe there's much wisdom in the posts above, Helena. As men, we r trained from an early age that feelings r NOT good or acceptable. Men just do what they have to do and stuff any thots or feelings that mite make us question WHY u must do those male things?

Just take a deep breath and try not to over think your situation. Think of Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Like her, try to relax and be open to whatever happens next!

[Samantha_Smile]

Don't let yourself become overwhelmed.
If you can't keep a good balance you may put yourself in a slump and end up depressed - Step back, re-evaluate, re-calibrate and breathe deep.
You're denying yourself to feel, that's a warning sign of depression for me because it's how I ended up unwell myself.
Go and see some friends, having someone IRL to talk about this stuff is the key. Try a female friend.
Cups of tea help.

Be good to yourself.

[hope springs]

Your description sounds eerily like me. Fight that urge to retreat back into yourself. Vunerability is a good thing. It allows you to open up your heart. And when you express yourself from your heart others open up to you and the connections begin. I suspect your need to not feel is fear based ( im sure mine is). Those things you fear may sting for a moment, but pale in comparison to the rewards of blosoming.

[Helena Gwyn]

Thank you all, for your replies and private messages. It's being a big help that I'm not alone and that this contrast of feelings is normal. It's feels like hitting puberty again.

Last night, after working all day in my livingroom taping everything so I can starting painting the walls and ceilings, I went into the bathroom, put on some very basic make-up, got dressed and enjoyed reading a book as Helena on my bed. I liked it, the reflection in the mirror was friendly, beautiful, sweet and recognizable. Feeling-wise I'm not yet where I used to be a few days ago, it's like some said, it takes time to adjust when you see yourself for the first time, but I still like it like that.
I think maybe by seeing myself, I felt more of who I really am, but if that's me, that also means I'll have to come out of the closet some day, and I'm not there yet, the confrontations frightens me.

Tomorrow I'm going to have a lunchdate with a friend who knows and understands me, and on friday I have my next appointment at the psychologist. Lots to talk about .

[DebbieL]

These feelings are real and they are important.

I remember when I first came out and started going out in public. I'd reached the point where I was going to dances (AA & NA) or nightclubs. Almost from the moment I started my bath to shave my legs and get ready, through putting on my makeup, and finally getting dressed, I would be so alive, so alert, so happy. I had my fears, concerns, wishes. But I was ALIVE!

At the end of the night, I would come home. I would take off the wig and it was like I was dying as I watched the life, the joy, the vitality just drain, I'd see the reflection of it in the mirror.

By the time I got into bed, I wanted to cry. I felt like I was already dead. So much of this was because I was in a marriage to a woman who now hated Debbie, I worked for a company that had made it quite clear they didn't like Debbie. I knew I would have to give up my children to be Debbie. Every time I tried to go back to being Rex I wondered if I would be able to gather the strength to be Debbie again. I worried that I would never be able to transition, or that if I did, I'd fail so miserably that I wouldn't be able to live as Debbie or Rex. Debbie was so full of life and vitality, people liked her, and I liked them. Rex was a loner, sitting at his desk or cube all day long, barely speaking to anyone directly, coding and testing computer software for hours on end. When Rex went home, he barely spoke to his wife, would listen as she griped and complained about everything, often hurling painful jabs about my not being a "real man" and about "your thing" (Debbie).

Later, after a divorce, moving to a large city, and getting a job with a company run mostly by women, I met a woman who loved Debbie. She could see the difference as well. She often came to work to pick me up, took me straight home and told me "Get Dressed". She know that I would be so much happier once i was Debbie again. What happened after I changed to Debbie didn't seem to matter. I might cook dinner, I might read her son a story, or just hug him and watch a movie together, or we'd all just curl up on the couch. When her son went to bed, we would change into silky nighties, and I took my make-up off without removing the wig. I took it off in the bedroom and wouldn't look in the mirror after that.

She had lived with a transsexual roommate before she met me, and she knew that I was transsexual. She also knew that my ex-wife was doing everything she could to prevent me from transitioning, and visitation week-ends were often a challenge because even my kids could see Debbie coming out all the time (And they LIKED her). Sometimes Michelle would even forget and call me Debbie in front of the kids. Finances were tight due to child support and I hadn't found a gender therapists in the new city, but I was living all but my office hours as Debbie. I was happy. I even reached the point where i could look at myself in the mirror without going into the deep funk, because I could still see Debbie. I'd also been growing my hair longer.

At work, I was happier as well, and enjoying more time with people. I was more focused when I did work and better able to interact with other people. Sometimes women would notice the hint of nail polish I'd missed, or a spot of make-up I'd missed, and discretely notice it, and smile. I was safe and would be safe to transition if I wanted.

I am a transsexual, have been for my whole life. I never wanted to be a boy, didn't like playing with boys, and only joined the cub scouts because I liked the uniform (fashion statement). When I couldn't play with the girls, I'd read books, non-fiction because they didn't make me sad like reading books about girls did. I learned a little about car mechanics because that was the only way I would be able to get a car (fixed up my dad's car when he was about to sell it to the junk man for $25). Even then I hated getting dirty when I fixed it.

I could cook, sew, knit, crochet, did bead-work and leather work, and even won prizes in 4H club for my crafts. When it came to chores, I would volunteer to do the laundry, vacuum the rugs, and clean the bathroom. I hated doing yard-work.

Your description sounds like gender dysphoria. You're more than just a cross-dresser but may or may not be a full-blown transsexual. You should talk to a therapist to help you sort this out. Would you rather spend the next 20-30 years in this "funk", or would you like to start living your life fully, full of vitality, joy, love, and happiness? Take the first step.