Hi
After I saw myself with wig and make-up for the first time earlier this week, I was full of joy and happiness. I was amazed by how I looked and my beautician and aunt confirmed my growing femininity that showed itself more and more spontaneously.
But after that huge amount of euphoria, I woke up yesterday feeling detached and numb. When I look back at my life, I realize I've always been more or less numb to my own feelings, like a zombie, like I never really let myself feel me. Since I accepted my desire to CD'ing, that changed. I felt like a flower that was finally growing.
But after the positive shock of my feminine reflection, I somehow feel that my mind woke up and closed the lid on my true feelings again. "Don't feel, because it's unexplainable" "Don't feel, because the confrontation is to hard" "Don't feel, because no-one will understand." "Don't feel ..." It's like looking from the back of your head. There's a world out there, but you don't feel part of it, you're absent.
When I look at my clothes, I know I feel great in them, different but nice, and then there's this small spark of joy, but it's instantly crushed.
I've had a few big changes in my life recently. I know, being me, I always need a lot of time and peace of mind to settle these changes within myself, but is this recognizable to anyone? It's like I'm suddenly doubting everything I ever felt, afraid of loosing myself, just now when I am (or was) really starting to feel me for the first time.