Choose your struggle

[PretzelGirl]

As I have been coming out, I have gotten acceptance and some questions. No one has yet to wonder how being trans will affect me socially over the long haul.

So now I had an interesting experience today. My wife is in the hospital and is staying on a unit that can go to the cafeteria for meals if they choose. I joined that group for lunch and Nancy has introduced me to all of them as her wife. A lady is walking by and Nancy introduces me to her and she makes some comment like "Oh, you are lesbian" and walks away. The table is then all talking about how it could be tough being lesbian couple as some people won't understand and of course each has to recount how they have gay friends.

This struck me a little funny. Just hitting the full time point, I figured that being trans would be a subject of many discussions but they don't either see it in me or care. But being lesbian is worth wondering if we struggle with interacting with people. A little topsy turvy.

[Aubrey Skye]

I'm obviously not anywhere to full time yet. But I know what you mean. I feel like once to a point of full time and being accepted as a woman, if they becomes a lesbian struggle instead of trans. You go from the trans questions to the lesbian ones. Definitely an interesting discussion. It's one I've been going over in my head for sure

[Donna Joanne]

Sue,

We as trans always think "everyone knows". But sister, unless you have "I'm Transsexual" tattoo'ed on your forehead, no one will ever know that you are. You have reached the point that so many are striving for...being assumed to be a lesbian female when introduced by your wife as "her wife". So guess what? I don't know if it's a real promotion in the eyes of some, but's it's a huge one to me...YOU ARE NOW PROMOTED FROM TRANSSEXUAL 1ST CLASS to LESBIAN APPRENTICE! Enjoy your "new" status in public!

[Aubrey Skye]

Lesbian apprentice! I love it! Haha

[celeste26]

That is the single worst fear of my wife, being called lesbian. Why she insists that I not get SRS. Of course we traipse around town together like two women so far no one has brought up the 'L' word yet. But the fear remains.

[arbon]

Thats good, and you should get used to it if you are staying together.

We generally just expect people to think we are lesbians, even though neither of us really is. People do sometimes make an issue about us being lesbians living here.

[PretzelGirl]

I did expect those conversations, but much later. I figured trans would be the talk of the day. It threw me off a little.

[Jorja]

As you enter this new phase of your transition, you are going to find many situations you have never had to deal with. Yes, they are going to seem strange or even weird to you. That's ok, you have never been full time before and to many that alone is strange or weird. They will adjust to you. You will work your way through the situations and next week, next month, next year it will all seem perfectly natural to you. Strap in and enjoy the ride.

[Annaliese]

I hope Nancy is doing well, give her my love. That is good that they see you as a woman, and worried about the struggle you and Nancy will have as a lesbian couple.

[I Am Paula]

It took a long time for my wife to admit we were in a same sex marriage, but being called/calling herself lesbian is still a no fly zone.
Last week she surprised me twice when she referred to me as her wife. It is a big step for her.

[Brianna_H]

I went out dressed with my wife for the first time this week. We've been talking about exactly this issue. The fact is, she's pretty comfortable with me being a woman and if that means she's a lesbian, whatever! It's always been who I am as a person that really matters to her. It will be strange being labeled a lesbian couple, but it's not going to be a roadblock. Hey, we were gay married before it was legal!

[DeeDee1974]

My ex-wife and I would always hold hands when we were walking together. Sometimes we still do when we hang out. She had the best attitude about what others might think of her. She would always say "I probably won't ever see these people again who cares what they think"

Obviously it's not that simple for most of us, but a good way see it none the less.

[PretzelGirl]

Briana, my wife is the same. She told me today that when her mind wanders, she is now thinking of me as a woman instead of a man. I joked that we weren't legally married for about a month and a half but we are legal again!

Dee Dee, I like your quote and agree. It is a hard mind set to get into sometimes. But it does work!

[DebbieL]

Over the last year or so, there have been several times when Lee and I have spent an hour or more with
people we didn't know, having wonderful conversations, and generally being sociable.
When Lee calls me her wife, or I call her mine, they ask "How long have you been married?".
When we say 8 years, they look puzzled. "How is that possible, gay marriage wasn't legal until 2009"
That's when Lee leans in and said "At the wedding, he was my husband, now she's my wife".

Lee's main concern when I told her I wanted to go ahead and transition was "would our marriage still be legal?".
I found out that in most states, including ours (NJ), even before gay marriage, a marriage was still considered valid after transition.
I also found out that there were a few states where it would not considered legal. I'd have to sign limited power of attorney to have her treated as "family" at a hospital and to make medical decisions for me if I was no longer able. I try to avoid those states.

I've also had a few times when I have talked about Lee, then mentioned that she was my wife, and then shown them pictures of my kids and my Lee at my wedding. They look at the picture and say "so who's the fat guy with the beard? Is that your father?". That's when I finally realize that they had absolutely no clue that I was anything other than a woman. Most people think I'm a woman in my mid forties, I'm in my late fifties. Often, when they realize, they have all sorts of questions, and even after that, they have a hard time believing that I was ever able to pass as a guy. Sometimes I smile and say "What makes you think I did?".

[Cheryl123]

It is a little funny, and it's also a great compliment in that others see you as a woman, Sue. When we make our transitions, we don't usually change our sexual orientation. In my case hormones have pretty much destroyed my sex drive, which I am perfectly ok with, so instead of a sexual orientation (which at one time was purely hetero) I find in it's place an "emotional orientation" -- a desire to bond emotionally to another. I find myself attracted to other transwomen, not sexually but emotionally. So am I gay or lesbian or a "glesbian"? lol. These are just words. We are what we are.

[Angela Campbell]

ahhhh..........don't think about how "being trans" will effect you socially. think about how being a woman will be.

[PretzelGirl]

Cheryl - I have always said that the words for sexual orientation start to fail us as we transition. We are just attracted to who we want to be. Maybe the closest is Pansexual?

Beth - I have transitioned, although very recently. Like in the last week. So far the early results are my world is right side up and I have a full grip.

Angela - I agree and I think that will be part of the social transition part as it is at the top of my mind that as I start seeing everyone for the first time, the discussion will likely be about being trans. Once that settles, I need to switch my focus. I have been surprised at how many "Lady" discussions I have been in already.

[Teresa]

No matter where we are on the spectrum we are going to be given labels ! Some we may like and some not, if it's said out inocent ingorance you have to accept it but if it's said as if it left a bad taste in their mouth then I think you have a right to say something to correct the matter !
The way you describe what was said the lady made an off the cuff remark without thinking what she was saying, if it hurt you I think you should have been able to correct the lady to make her think before she speaks next time !!

I guess you're going to have to decide what you want your relationship with your wife to be called so you can correct people when it happens again.

[Sara Jessica]

Sue, your wife is an absolute sweetie and I hope she is doing OK. Please send her our love.

I just cracked up at "lesbian apprentice" but it kind of makes sense. People see what they expect to see. You were introduced as the wife, that is what people saw. No questions asked, no trans in the equation. Priceless!

[Thea Pauline]

Exactly.