Questions about therapy

[Secret Drawer]

Many give the (sensible) advice to see a (gender) therapist if you feel that gender issues are getting in the way of your daily life or you simply wish to sort out what this whole Cding thing is all about and where you need to go with it. The problem is, that while it is good advice, I, for one, can't do it.
Maybe it is my background, which relies on "fix it yourself," working class attitudes, my lack of willingness to take anti-(fill in the blank) drugs, fear of telling someone my deepest feelings (which by necessity must extend well past gender specific issues). Also, it seems that it would be an admittance that in fact I have a problem that I can't solve on my own. Which is no small thing!
My question is: Does anyone else feel this way, fearful of actually going to a therapist, even while logically believing it may help? Have those that have gone all feel that it helped? What experiences have people had?

[Kate Simmons]

I was too close to it(the dressing), so needed an objective person to act as a sounding board. I never had a problem with it myself but the reason I went was to figure out how to deal with family and friends who did have a problem. I came away with ideas on how to manage things. So, when it was over, I considered it time and money well spent.

[Teresa]

Yes Secret Drawer I think the attitude is very much the same for many in the UK ! It was suggested I gave it a try after I became suicidal but after a couple of sessions I stopped because the therapist wanted my wife to attend, she refused so he saw no point in continuing ! I had to accept taking Prozac long term to get me through !
Therapy does need an input from both partners otherwise it becomes wasted breath ! A member passed the comment that their partner said you need fixing not me !!
If your partner still won't talk about your therapy sessions your CDing or gender issues can't improve ! Staying in DADT is not an option !!

Even after the passing of twenty years of going through it I still have feelings of rejection and being unloved !!

[Andy66]

I feel the same way you do, Secret Drawer. Im suspicious of therapists, or anyone else I dont know well, who seems a little too curious about my personal business.

When I was about ten years old, some official at my school suggested to my parents that our family go to family counseling. To this day my mother says she doesnt know why they thought we needed it, and that it was a waste of time. I refused to talk to the counselor and told my little brother not to tell her anything either because I thought for sure if we complained or said anything wrong, she would run and tell Mom and Dad, and we would get in trouble.

Many years later, I tried couples counseling with my ex. The first one we went to completely took his side and couldnt figure out that he was lying and manipulating her. The second counselor was so much better. Hes the one who helped me realize, you cant control what others do. You can only control your reaction.

[tommi]

I had a long bought of not giving in but my wife said therapist or divorce
I did it and wished I had done it a lot earlier
May not be for every one but therapy has worked for me

[Amanda M]

Most people find that working with a therapist in a safe confidential partnership helps them a lot. Some times we just need a little help to see the wood from the trees!

Teresa, input from both partners is not always necessary - and can, in fact, be damaging to the outcome. Your therapist cannot work for both people on either side of a divide, and his/her focus should be on the needs of the primary client.

[melanie206]

I found to it be, overall, a worthwhile experience and would still be going if my therapist hadn't decided to move to Chicago. My therapist never suggested drugs or insisted on my wife attending. You lay out your reasons not to go in such an orderly way. It suggests to me that you want to go. A good therapist is non-judgmental and can give practical short term advice without necessarily going to your "deepest feelings".

[Marcelle]

Hi there. When Isha came crashing into my life a year ago it was very chaotic and confusing. Was I just a cross dresser? Did I want to be a woman? Was I somewhere in between? . . . As such I sought out a "gender identity therapist" and have been working with her for a year now to bring definition to who I am. It has worked for me but that is my experience and it is not always the same for everyone. Not all therapists are created equal and if you do plan to go to one, do your homework and ensure they are reputable and have experience dealing with TG issues. Inevitably though you only get what you put into therapy so if you are reticent to attend, have a distrust of therapists in general or believe there is nothing they can help you with . . . it will be a long haul with little to gain. However, if you go in with an open mind wishing to explore issues then you may be pleasantly surprised.

Hugs

Isha

[Jenny Elwood]

I read here one day there's two kinds of therapists: the one's we like and the one's our wives like (if like mine she's opposed to dressing). For some reason they tend to be mutually exclusive depending on what you want to hear. We went to pastoral therapists and I suffered. We went to secular therapists and my wife wasn't happy. Eventually we quit because it felt as if they were sending me down the TS route. I've had my struggles and doubts, but I don't think I'm TS. No more therapy, we fight and hash it out amongst ourselves.

[kimdl93]

Those are feelings not unique to CDrs. Many, many people have a difficult time accepting the idea that they may have a psychological problem that they can't handle by themselves, or being forced to address that problem with a professional. And because of that reluctance, people often suffer needlessly and endure lifelong problems with relationships, work and self medication with drugs or alcohol.

Therapy can open a window to understanding yourself. Equally important, therapy can help you unlearn mistaken beliefs and practice new and more effective ways to think about yourself and the world around you. Most important though, as my therapist once said, "the purpose of therapy is to help you accept reality".

[Teresa]

Amanda, I understand your point but knowing what may put you right is like banging your head against a brick wall if your partner doesn't want to know !

[Dana921]

One could offer the perspective that mental health professionals are simply tools in our box of life. You simply pick the right tool (person) that helps you ask yourself the questions that need to be asked so that you can make the most informed choice you can on your life's path. From my perspective there is value in having someone that will listen and ensure I ask myself the questions I need to think about or answer before choosing a course of action.

[NicoleScott]

Not to nit-pick about words, but here goes anyway:

Therapy is treatment for a disease or disorder. Do you consider your desire to crossdress a disorder that needs to be fixed? If you dress to conform to your feminine identity (a sex/gender mismatch), are you broken? It seems that most say that wearing women's clothes just feels normal to them. Most here say that crossdressing can't be "cured". So why go to therapy, except to help you deal with your angst over crossdressing? Ah, counseling.

Counseling is professional guidance in resolving personal conflicts and emotional problems. To me, it seems like a better approach.

[Marcelle]

Hi Nicole . . . I agree that counselling is a better descriptor but you are nit picking words. Therapy has a bend beyond trying to cure a mental disorder or disease in that it is a course of action to help someone undergoing mental anguish to better understand themselves . . . hence the term therapy. This will most likely devolve into counselling sessions with the therapist as the TG member tries to bring order to chaos. It is far easier to find a "Gender Identity Therapist" than a "Gender Identity Counsellor".

You are right in that if you don't consider yourself "broken" then a therapist is most likely not needed . . . "I am good being who I am so I don't need to speak to anyone". However if a TG person is so conflicted in their thoughts and emotions then counselling will be of no value until the chaos is resolved by therapy. Therapy in of itself is not synonymous with "disorders" or "disease".

Hugs

Isha

[Brianna_H]

It depends on how bad the problem is. Some guys don't want to see a doctor unless they're dying with blood pouring out of them. If you don't feel conflicted about your dressing, then don't see a therapist. But if you have concerns or feel like it is out of control, some counseling is a good idea.

For me, I am trying to find a happy place with my gender dysphoria. Am I a TS or just someone with a variant gender expression. For me, talking to an experienced therapist was the way to go to sort out these issues. I also started going to a doctor for my physical health concerns. Yes, it's a pain in the ass but it's a relief to know what's really going on and be on the right track to doing something about it. I could not say that when I was just "dealing with it on my own."

[Sometimes Steffi]

From personal experience, I can say that I am is favor of counselling, subject to the following proviso. The therapist must be cognizant of trans issues.

First of all, you need to get past the idea that you should only go to a counselor if you are mentally sick. That was definitely my dad's feeling, but even he went to a therapist when he was in his 60's to resolve a marital problem. Think of a therapist as a good friend who's a good listener, has experience with resolving life-style problems and won't rat you out (i.e., won't tell anyone else).

I've been to several therapists.

When my wife discovered about my CDing, she told me to get fixed, and she talked to our minister to get a recommendation for someone who would fix me. She was surprised to find out that the minister didn't think CDing was something that needed to be fixed. In some very real sense, he saved my marriage. He referred us to a pastoral (religiously based) counselor. My wife and I (either me, her or both of us) went to him weekly or about 6 months. Ultimately, we stopped going to him because he would never talk about CDing directly, referring to it as the elephant in the room. He did get us talking to each other and turned down the temperature on arguments.

Shortly thereafter, I went to a therapist on my own, to better understand what I got out of CDing, and how far I wanted to go. S. was a judgement-free zone. She neither encouraged or discouraged me from dressing for her sessions, but occasionally I went there dressed. I learned a lot about myself. Most importantly, I learned to accept myself as I was, and not to beat myself up over my CDing. I also learned that I couldn't will or control my wife's reactions. I had to make my own decisions based on what was important to me, and to a lesser extent, how my wife would react to it.

Then I went to a "new age" therapist who my wife had gone to. She actually encouraged me to dress, so I put together a different outfit for each weekly visit. But from the first visit, she told me that I was gay, but that bring gay was OK. She even told me to find a man. She had me really rattled, but like any good engineer, I conducted a test. I worked out 3 days a week and changed in the locker room. I assumed that if I was gay, I would find some man attractive. Nada. The thought grossed me out. So even though I only saw her for 2 months, she helped me determine that I wasn't gay. But it took about 2 year before I felt comfortable enough to tell my wife why I really stopped seeing her.

After a couple of years, I found another therapist who specialized in gender issues. I went to her because I wanted to go out with CD friends without concocting a fairy tale. Again, my wife and I saw her separately and together. We would often talk about our sessions that we had separately. After one particularly angry joint session, my wife had a breakthrough of sorts and she lets me go out dressed, with CD friends. I had hoped for another break through to get my wife to see me dressed and go out with me dressed, but that was just too out there for her to consider.

BTW, none of these therapists had the license to prescribe drugs. You have to be a medical doctor to prescribe drugs in the US.

So in short, find a good therapist. If the therapist is always taking your wife's side or is advocating that you do something, he/she's not a good therapist. A therapist should be neutral.

[docrobbysherry]

I have had a number of experiences with counselors or therapists. I believe both can give u long term therapy or short term help. I think many of u r afraid of finding out u have a real problem if u see someone. Kind of like fearing to see a doc about that dark spot because it mite be cancerous? Maybe u don't understand what seeing one is like. Here's my experiences:

#1. My GF wanted us to see one to find out what our "problem" was. She picked her. I don't know how. I'll admit I was nervous and didn't want to go, but I did. My GF began by explaining what our problem was. I was hesitating about discussing marriage. The therapist asked me directly, "Do u love her?" I answered truthfully, "No." The therapist spoke to my GF, "I believe that is the crux of your issues." Our session was over early and my GF broke up with me. I gained great respect for counselors that day!

#2. Went to see an experienced counselor when my ex and I were having serious problems. (Not about my dressing back then, tho). She picked her. After a couple of sessions dealing with my ex's many issues with me, the therapist suggesting alternative behaviors for me. Then, we began discussing my issues with my ex's behavior. To which she announced she had no intentions of changing or compromising ANY of her current behavior! She had been doing that for years and now it was my turn. The therapist announced on the spot that our couples sessions were over. I was impressed and continued to see her individually. She seemed to quickly zoom in on important issues and blow rite by the others. We discussed and she dismissed my dressing in under 15 minutes! It really wasn't a issue back then.

#3. My ex found a therapist to mediate issues between my 18 y/o daughter and myself. They got worse when she moved in with me full time 2 years ago. She didn't know about my dressing back then. I thot the counselor asked many general and pointless questions. After a few sessions I asked my daughter if she felt the counselor was helping? She said, "Yes, at first. But, not recently." My feelings exactly. We stopped seeing her.

No one needs to fear counselors/therapists. If u don't like their questions u won't answer properly and won't get help. Just leave and don't go back. If u don't feel like they're helping u? Leave and don't go back. If u r getting help or helpful advice? Keep going back as long u r. If not, don't go back. It's really just that simple!

[Gardener]

What you say sounds perfectly understandable and normal, but you know really that you are unlikely to sort out your feelings on your own and the chances are that the troubles will continue to circulate around your head. Maybe it would be easier if you thought of the therapist as someone willing to go in a journey with you, at your pace. Helping to interpret what you find on the way. Someone happy to let you lead but maybe sometimes asking questions to help clarify the position. I think therapy is about reaching a place of greater understanding of oneself, greater honesty with oneself and maybe others if that Is safe and appropriate. It is quite a good place to be once anyimagined negative thoughts about oneself are exposed for what they are. Good luck

[Secret Drawer]

A heartfelt thank you to everyone who replied!
Yes, I have considered this for quite some time, and from what I gather here, it should become a sensible course of action for me.
Isha, my suspicion is that I, like you had indicated here a while back, may actually anticipate questions or unconsiously (or consiously!) steer my answers to what I think is the "right" answer. So my issue isn't directly with a therapist, but lies within my ability to be open and SUBjective within myself and not make a robotic response to things.
Not sure if I will ever get spousal participation, but I have a feeling it ultimately is about me... I have been with similar thoughts and feelings for my entire life, so it isn't a selfish idea, more a solo journey.
Gardener, this just about nails it on the head for me.
It is so nice to know we are not alone on this crazy journey!

[Jackie7]

I have a lot of experience with therapists and counsellors, due to raising three rambunctious kids and struggling through perpetual "issues" with my first wife. Mostly they have been professional and helpful. The one bad experience I had was with a gender specialist at the time when my marriage was coming completely unstuck with my desire to dress taking a lot of the heat. The specialist decided I Was TS and that SRS was the only future for me. Her diagnosis felt increasingly uncomfortable, ultimately I realized that while I do have a degree of gender dysphoria I am not TS and will not be having gender reassignment. I left that therapist and have not felt a need to consult another. But in retrospect, it was her hurried and inaccurate diagnosis that forced me to work through the issues for myself and reach a correct conclusion about myself. So I would say go for it, but keep your own counsel as well and only accept what rings true for you on the inside.

[sometimes_miss]

The biggest problem I had with going to a therapist, was finding out that most of them knew less about the subject than I did. That was over 20 years ago. Today, there are specialists in the field of gender identity. But there are still questionable decisions being made. So, go, or don't, but be advised that having a second opinion of an experienced person will help you, rather than hinder you. Sure, you can figure it all out on your own, but speaking from experience, it took decades to do it that way. Did it help? Well, in the end it just confirmed what I had already learned and thought through. But it might have saved me those decades of confusion if I'd had someone else to discuss it with along the way. Much better to make use of all the help available to you.