Thoughts about Transition !!

[Teresa]

I have read comments by some members that many Cders are somewhere on the road to transition !!
I have had these thoughts twice in my life, the first was way back at about 9-10 years old when I was already a fully functioning male .
Not long after entering an all boys secondary school I found I was attracting an audiece when I exited the showers, the penny soon dropped that I was the only one in that year to have pubic hair ! Not long after during a biology lesson we were going through male and female differences and the reproductive cycle, reading through the text in the biology book it said that sexual development normally occurred in females before males ! To top it all at the end of the lesson our biology master produced from a drawer a scalpel and asked us to gather round he then announced, " A sex change in six easy cuts !!
and pointed to the text book with the scalpel where you would cut !! At the end of it most shuffled away not speaking but I was the last to leave and so asked him why would anyone want to do that ? He just replied that some may need to know that in the future ! ( I wonder if Mr. Watkins ever became Miss Watkins ). It had never occured to me that a man would want or need to become a woman ! The thought of developing breasts and turning into a woman took a long time to shake off, but all that happened was my sexual CDing just got stronger !

The second time I had the thoughts was when I came out to my wife some twenty years ago. A television drama about a CDer coming out tipped the balance for me ! I managed to get as far as saying I have something to tell you, when I broke down in tears, my wife sat on my knee and hugged me while I sobbed my heart out ! It all went down hill after that my wife accepted it but soon went into DADT the feeling of rejection pushed me to the point of suicide ! Some therapy and Prozac pulled me through it but at that point I thought instead of it all going round my head I should write my thoughts down .
Everytime I read it I convinced myself that I was affected more by a female side than a male , not only that but I wanted sex dressed but with women ! Part of me was a lesbian female ( * ) !
At this time there was far more media coverage of the whole subject of gender so trying to think logically did I want to be a woman ? I stood to lose a wife and mother of my children, my children, my business, my home and the rest of my family !
I risked becoming a semi functioning male or a semi functioning female and face the possibilty of not having a female partner and perhaps having to accept a male partner ( which I have no interest in !). To me it would be like stepping into no-man's-land !
Twenty years on again and the forum has enabled me to get things more in perspective , I should have joined sooner if I'd known an online forum could have been so helpful ! I'm more along the road of acceptance but far from being fully out ! Yes there are still good days and bad days but as many keep saying try and keep talking !

( * ) I had a couple of PMs with Reine, which I'm very grateful for and she suggested that I had the Autogynerphilia syndrome !
I checked it out and initially thought it was wrong because it only referred to Tss, reading on the next section described Transvestic Autogynerphilia which started to tick the boxes for me . It simply means, as I understand it that I crossdress because I love myself as a woman ! Other members may have this syndrome, so worth checking it out !

These are only my thoughts on Transition, I think the people that have done it are very brave and deserve every happiness !
Some still do it in their sixties to finally achieve what they always felt was right and finally get mind and body as one !
Personally I feel it is too late but I could be the one still making the mistake, I shall never know !!

[Kate Simmons]

Everyone is different. I previously thought i wanted to transition but have embraced all of my feelings and taken ownership of myself. What that means is that I can be whoever I choose to be, it's always me even though some feelings may be more highlighted than others at times. I concentrated on being a person more than a this, that or the other things and that seems to work better for myself. We all have to find our own niche.

[Katey888]

Teresa - notwithstanding that what you suspect about yourself may be true, and while I applaud your persistence in exploring and sharing these deep, gender dysphoric delvings and musings, I do think you can overthink these things just a bit too much sometimes...

Stating that we all might be on the road to transition has a lot more uncertainty about it than stating that we are all, most certainly, on the road to death... I have a fairly good idea which one will get me first, but either way, I intend to have a good time exploring this side of me before the grim reaper does his definitive duty..

Reading your other post about therapy, what really strikes me is how much emotional and internal conflict this is causing you... I'm so glad these discussions do help you come to terms and acceptance with this - I'm not sure the Blanchard theories are fully or adequately proven, but again, if they help you put things in perspective, all to the good!

Katey x

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Teresa, I see you have a couple years on me. I sure know the feelings you are experiencing. It's a bitch! I've gone all my life wishing and hoping there was a way. We grew up in the dark ages about gender dysphoria. I too broke down crying with my first wife after we had two children. Yes, it led to a divorce and I'm remarried to an awesome woman who allows me to be me. I'm sure you'd like to turn back the clock as i would. Today I make the best of it. BTW, your avatar shows you as being very attractive as a woman. You're one of the lucky ones. I'd need a lot of work. as far as physical attraction to someone, I can go either way. To me it's not the expected partner but about the person you can truly feel right with. I know now that I've been female in mind and spirit and could easily become attracted to a man or a woman.

PM me if you want and we could exchange phone numbers if you are comfortable. I can easily relate.

Cheryl

[Nadine Spirit]

So... this is just my opinion... right?

#1 - I do not think that every cross dresser is somewhere on the road to transition. I think that is absurd nonsense. Where is every cross dresser? Under the transgender umbrella. Being transgender does not necessarily mean that you want to become the opposite gender.

#2 - Autogynophilia supposedly explain why MtF's want to transition. Curiously though cisgendered women experience the exact same symptoms. http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/1...2#.VD2djPldWZI Thus I am not really sure how it explains anything for transgendered individuals.

[ReluctantDebutant]

I came across the term Autogynorphilia a few years ago. It did a lot to help me understand my cross-dressing. But I don't think it explains in anyway people who truly transition. I may be extremely curious about what it would be like to see myself as fully female. And these curiosities might invoke pleasure while pondering them. I never felt a desire or need to abandon my male body. I have never seriously thought about transition. The only time I came close was when I read an article about a man you had multiple SRSes allowing me to have the naïve notion of temporally dipping my toe in the female side of the pool. All such notions disappeared after meeting real trans-people online.

[JordanONeil]

I have been finding lately that I am coming to some kind of a crossroads as far as my feeling to my GM sexuality. I had since high school years had at-home CD fantasies with wearing intimates, and being overweight (5"11", 250-270 lbs since getting out of high school) I have usually been able to fill a B cup bra and satisfy my secret feelings as far as the 'girls' upstairs.

I used to stash the 'boys' out back just for a few hours around the house every so often. But lately I have been tucking and taping to go out and about almost every other or third day. I don't do this to let others see me as a woman, I still hide what I do in public, wearing men's clothes and acting in public like regular guy. But secretly I imagine that I really have a woman's private parts and have been trying different ways to tuck and tape so I can feel 'natural' when I sit on a toilet to pee, avoiding urinals when I don't tape almost entirely.

So yeah, while I know that to see someone crossdress doesn't mean that they want to change their gender, you might want to take a look at the regular guy you walk past, and think if perhaps he does. I'm still working out my feelings for myself on that one.

(And can imagine it would be a little difficult for a guy to undergo SRS while still outwardly presenting as a male)

(edit) Oh, and I am attracted to women, so that would me a closet lesbian or bisexual as well.

[weyburn]

I know for myself there has been an evolution process happening from the days of closet dressing to being completely out with it and feeling comfortable within myself
If I was younger I most certainly would go through the whole transgender process.As it is I have found a plastics surgeon that has me on a waitlist for early next year to have breast implants.Never have liked to settle for second best but I have to be realistic in this situation

[charlenesomeone]

Isn't this the same discussion about Gender[ whats between you ears} vs Sex{whats between your legs]?
From what I've read on this site, true women that transition do so because they are women in the wrong body.
Transgender is as Nadine said a spectrum that might end in a choice to transition to some extent. While I am not
a psychologist {even thought I stayed at a holiday inn last night} that is something the individual needs to work out
if they don't know for sure.
Char

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Teresa, we've spoken often here, and the similarities to my H with the sexual dressing are uncanny. I think he relates to the autogynephilia theory, too. Except the TS part. He has said he's never had these thoughts and I know him enough to know if he has, it's all part of the fantasy!

I doubt very much that you are and ever were destined to be a woman. This might rub some here up the wrong way who just love pushing this set path to transition. But honestly, I don't know that the stories here were ever particularly helpful to you, Teresa, as many here have found this forum because they've decided that what was once a harmless panty fetish many moons ago now needs a name and zip code and there's little desire to stifle any of it. This is the place crossdressers come to indulge and progress.

If you have any doubts about this, just read. The threads speak for themselves.

Anyway, it's up to you how you handle this part of your life. You can either give in to what has been a lifelong battle with a sexuality you haven't ever really understood or embraced, possibly losing your wife along the way but gaining incredible personal fulfilment, or you decide to let this dream die, the way of most dreams, and live your life as you always have in the safety of that which you've always known. I'd suggest equal numbers choose either path. Only you can decide which one is best for you.

Just know, neither is wrong.

[Teresa]

Katey thanks for your reply .
I'm thinking things through possibly too much but really don't know how to move foward at the moment ! I wrote down my thoughts on transition not because I would take that route but more talk it through with other members and get their thoughts.

I may put this all together in another thread possibly in loved ones if I reveal too many details, if that's acceptable !

I know I've amused members with some of my outed threads that's is really me but I'm being buried under all this closeted, DADT garbage !


Tinkerbell,
Thanks for you reply, I do appreciate it !
As you see from my OP these thoughts go back much further than my time on the forum, maybe I just aired them to finally get them out of my system ! The forum would not influence me into making a decision as final as that, there're too many real world issues in my life I stand to lose !!
As you know my Cding didn't start with a panty fetish but something deeper !

[Jenny Elwood]

Come now, Teresa. You own a maid's dress after all. That spells CROSSDRESSER to me!

Sometimes it's just hard to admit it may just be as simple as that. We get too caught up in the "being girly" thing (inspired by the forum as Tinkerbell rightly pointed out). I think your issues with your wife and not getting proper opportunities to get "IT" out of your system, is clouding your thinking (with a pink shade). It did mine and I'm sure will do it again in future. I'm just enjoying the clarity I have at the moment whilst I'm not concerned about dressing. Yes, I'm here (the forum) for social reasons currently (and lack of work) and I suppose a dearth of real-world friends!

[Teresa]

Jenny, I guess you're probably right but the experience at school took a long time to shake off ! Only to surface again when I came out to my wife, perhaps the trauma of that brought it all that back ! The therapist tried to quash those thoughts but being so scewed up at the time I took some convincing ! Also while I was going through this I couldn't take time off with stress, which was what therapist and doctor wanted me to do. I was self employed and had wedding bookings and other business commitments, but I was in a mess !!

I relate stress to blowing fuses in the brain, some get repaired and some don't, so the next time it hits, you have less power to fight it, till eventually you grind to a non-functioning halt !!

[Jenny Elwood]

Ok Teresa I can see that all of this is causing you a lot of anxiety. I'm sorry for sounding oafish in just dismissing your concerns off-hand. I have experienced my own troubles with questioning if I may be TS, so should really know better than to make light of something so serious. I've just pulled out of that infernal pink cloud for the last month or so myself and can certainly attest to the anxiety it causes. I only really started to dress properly earlier this year (after only underdressing in the two years preceding) and it lead to the onset of a massive pink cloud of epic proportions (I'm talking hurricane status here!) Some nights I would lie awake in bed and find my intestines cramped up at the thought of wanting to physically be a woman. I can only ascribe it to all the years of denial, repression, suppression, depression and what not, finally effecting it's revenge on me. It was bad, but I'm better now and I look forward to a better life ahead. Am I TS? I reluctantly say no. Why? I don't know yet but at this point I really DON'T want to be a woman. I'm a man, and happy for it. Will it change again? I suppose so, we'll see. I'm just going with it at the moment and will be the last one to cheer anyone on down the TS path. That includes you. Stay strong my friend I'm rooting for you to pull through.

On the other hand you need to get some of the pent up frustrations you seem to have built up over time out of your system. I know, I was there with a wife that could not be reasoned with. Maybe not for as long as you, but then I can understand how bad it must be to go through that for 20 years having gone through a third of that myself. Something has to give way here, it will either be her or you, like Jennifer(athome) has said before, a rubber band can only be stretched that far. I accepted my wife's word on this up to the start of this year. I may have been the leader in most other departments of our marriage, but she called the shots on this one. Because I felt guilt and shame (she was obviously right, wasn't she?) I let her dictate terms. When I could not take it any longer the bomb exploded. Right or wrong I could care less any more, if it continued the way it was I'd be in an asylum now. So I fought back. We've fought a lot this year. The cards are all out on the table now. We know where we stand with each other. And you know what, she respects me more for it. And we still love each other, I think more than we ever did before. If your wife loves you, she will listen. How you get her to listen is unfortunately not something I can advise you on. What worked for me may just explode in your face!

This is turning out to be my longest post ever. Think I need a rest now...

[Teresa]

Jenny,
Thats Ok, I've just checked your age and it's you about the same time it hit me, but don't forget I started thirty years before that !

I've just realised that I may have to correct a misunderstanding, in my OP I didn't make it clear that I never wanted to be a woman but I felt that more of me was female than male. I function very well as man and realise I would lose far too much in a transition, so it's more practical to stay male and live with it !
The syndrome I mentioned does tick all the boxes for me despite some condeming the author !

[MsVal]

Teresa,

I can feel your anxiety through your words. I cannot fathom how you can withstand it for so long.

We found this forum at about the same time, and I have followed your well written posts with great interest. This is far from the first time you've cried out, and I so wish there was something I could say that would ease the pain. The closest I can come is a ((hug)).

Whether you choose to repress or explore your feelings, know that you have friends here that care for you.

[LilSissyStevie]

There is only one reason to transition: It will improve your life or make it livable. Everything else is BS. If it won't, don't do it. By that standard, so-called autogynephilia is as good a reason as any other for transition. Even the guy who invented the term thought so. If I were tortured by my fetish so much that transition was my only chance for relief (I'm not btw) I wouldn't give a crap about the opinions of gender therapists, "true" TSs, nice ladies on the internet, or ideology.

The autogynephilia theory had a certain superficial appeal for me but it's not quite right. Where AGP is "arousal by the thought of being a woman" what is really going on with me is "arousal by association with symbols of emasculation" where "being a woman" is just the ultimate symbol of emasculation. That's a harder pill to swallow than the thought that I'm expressing a "feminine side" or my "inner woman" but it is what it is. The tip off for me was that I could also be aroused by other things like female domination (actually my primary fetish), the idea of being a submissive, effeminate gay male (autopansyphilia!?!?), or etc. that have little or nothing to do with "being a woman." I don't think I'm alone. For many years I didn't CD at all and my only outlet was TG fiction. If you read enough of this stuff you notice that a lot of fetishes which on the surface have nothing to do with TG seem to occur along side the purely "autogynephilic" stuff. Things like cuckoldry, male chastity, adult baby, femdom, forced gay, BDSM and etc. What do they all have in common? The theme of emasculation. So I'm inclined to view AGP as just a sub-set of a broader emasculation fetish. For some it's just AGP , for some it's AGP+ and for others it's some emasculating fetish(es) without AGP. In a sense I feel lucky to be in the AGP+ set because I have other (albeit freaky) outlets besides being consumed with AGP.

[Ressie]

Teresa, your post is a good one because you need to sort out your feelings, and it also may help others do the same. I also feel that I fall in the category of Transvestic Autogynephilia, which I also discovered on these forums.

I've never really wanted to transition, but I have thought about the possibility. It's pretty much all about women's clothing for me. I also imagine having a female body sometimes (wouldn't that be lovely?), but it's just a fantasy and will stay that way. YMMV

[Teresa]

LilSissyStevie,
I mentioned that Autogynerphilia refered to TSes, which may not be right for me but Transvestic Autogynerphilia does seem to tick all the boxes ! Also I said that some sites call it Crossdreaming, don't understand the title and also it doesn't appear to differentiate between TSes and CDers !
The author of the syndrome has had the theory questioned but the whole of the theory on gender is questioned by one group or another, it's very hard to prove or disprove anything 100% in this field !
I also take your point about the other syndromes you mention, quite a few members myself included admit to owning French Maid outfits because of the attached fantasies.

Ressie, despite it ticking all my boxes, I wasn't looking for or expecting any other label than CDer when I joined the forum, whatever labels we do have doesn't change our feelings or how we chose to be as CDers. The important question is how we live with it in context with our family and friends, they are not interested in our labels, it still comes down to the basics if we don't want to be women, why do we do it ? Or we must be gay !! Getting over those basic hurdles, to many proves hard enough !

[Beverley Sims]

Teresa,
I would have done it myself some years ago but lack f knowledge, marriage and a new family takes you down a far different route.
There is no likelihood of going in that direction as I have many other commitments.

Maybe it is that opportunity lost.
Two of my friends did take the snip and are living together as friends.
They date men and were very attractive until the ravages of age mae them a little less attractive.
I still see all girl in them and they do still enjoy life with absolutely no regrets.


I thought I replied t this thread outside of New Orleans but it may not have made it.
I do like your last paragraph and have quoted it again.

Teresa wrote,
These are only my thoughts on Transition, I think the people that have done it are very brave and deserve every happiness !
Some still do it in their sixties to finally achieve what they always felt was right and finally get mind and body as one !
Personally I feel it is too late but I could be the one still making the mistake, I shall never know !!

[Janine cd]

I once thought that if I were born a little later in life I might have had the courage and opportunity to transition.
I have never regretted choosing not to go that route. My only regret is that I never had the chance to share my crossdressing desires to my wife before we were married. It might have made life a little more bearable.

[PaulaQ]

( * ) I had a couple of PMs with Reine, which I'm very grateful for and she suggested that I had the Autogynerphilia syndrome !

Regarding Autogynephilia - this theory by Blanchard is not currently well regarded scientifically. There isn't really great scientific evidence to support it. Indeed, there's a lot of evidence to the contrary - FtM transsexuals, the disappearance of the sexualization of CDing in MtF's does not follow the course predicted by Blanchard, and his theory doesn't explain, at all, what's actually observed. (The typical drop off is actually quite sudden most of the time in transitioning MtF's.) It also doesn't explain straight trans* women who know they are trans before they are even aware that such a thing as sexual orientation exists for themselves. It doesn't really account for the really crippling gender dysphoria that some of us experience. I mean, after all, it basically asserts that gynephilic (i.e. straight) MtF's have fun and masturbate their way into becoming the woman of their dreams.

It's a really poor theory. A lot of us MtF's find it to be really offensive too.

I find it really ironic that so many here like to grasp on to this theory, with it's rather clear implication that lots of the CDs on this forum will transition. (Oh wait! I know! we can control and prevent transition by controlling the frequency of CDing! Good luck with that! )

I risked becoming a semi functioning male or a semi functioning female and face the possibilty of not having a female partner and perhaps having to accept a male partner ( which I have no interest in !). To me it would be like stepping into no-man's-land !

Actually your chances of finding a partner as a lesbian MtF trans are not so bad as long as you don't mind a relationship with another lesbian MtF. (Hey, we're women too!) Some bisexual genetic women will also accept us, as will a few heterosexual identified GG's.

It's actually a lot harder to find a long term relationship with a man.

Personally I feel it is too late but I could be the one still making the mistake, I shall never know !!

It's only ever too late to transition when you are dead.

[BarbDriscoll]

Having read a bit about Blanchard's rather sweeping assertions, I'm inclined to dismiss them as BS. But... Autogynephilia, separated out from the rest of it all, comes remarkably close to describing my own particular variant of CDing. YMMV, of course.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Blanchard and Money, never got their facts straight or right they had a barrow to push and thats all they did, and when they started on us and all the rubbish they propounded they should have been kicked out the door,

Male to Female= in the wrong body , Maybe yet one day its going to come out that, that is not quite right, we have the right body, or body,s its just we have a mismatch of a few organs and our hormones were instructed to work in a particula way that seems wrong ,

did you know that for some of us our hormones can change our bodys , again this too will be seen in a way that can be understood though i doubt it will be the case for a few more years, till then look at your bodys as they should be and accept that some changes can happen , and with the right hormones that we dont have as yet the changes will be able to help us in many ways that will make it possible for our bodys to be complete as we should be.

Oh well back to my cave........

...noeleena...

[flatlander_48]

Whenever I read a post like the one that started this thread, I am always reminded of the fact that even though there are some similarities, all our paths are different. There is no one size fit all here...