Exploring and embracing my Femininity

[cdtraveler]

Been working with a gender therapist to acknowledge personality and interest traits that have always come naturally to me but that I was taught to supress, hide and quite honestly feel shame and fear of being "discovered". Came up with a list of things I grew to self monitor for and have been challenged to take each one and start to work on embracing it as ok to let out. Have to say as a closeted cd this is hard for me! Fun part is two suggestions were to go get a facial and mani/pedi to acknowledge love of pampering! All of this had also got me thinking about those personality tests that are out there. Saw one today that suggested that if your index finger on your dominant hand is longer than your ring finger that this is a sign there was more estrogen in the womb than the big T. Humm turns out my index figure is quite a bit longer. Who knows if this is true or not but sure gets me thinking about maybe one key to being happier and more content is to just stay the hell with it. This is who I am people don't like it to bad! Doesn't mean I dress full time or progress in other ways but boy would I sure like to stop worrying and start being more wiling to cater to me needs even if some see them as fem.

Anyone else relate?

Amanda

[Kate Simmons]

It's a real adventure learning about ourselves. Embrace it my friend and make it your own.

[suchacutie]

Facial peels are fantastic, and many males have them done. I use the local office of a plastic surgeon who is involved with all manner of laser treatments and skin/body treatments. It really is great to take the better part of an hour and emerge with an incredible complexion!

Have a good time!

[Amanda L.]

As one Amanda to another I can relate to the acceptance of ones self and the embracing of this part of me. I love expressing my female self, she is so much nicer than male me.
Like many people here I have gone through the self loathing and denial, repressing and burying this part of me deep within my core.
Also like others we constantly want an answer to why we do it, frankly I don't give a toss about the why. I have wasted too much energy being frustrated over this question. I accept me for who I am and am comfortable with it. I am still in the closet though have been out and met other crossdressers and made life long friends through this common desire.
I have told my wife (post material but has been covered a million times) and we will see how that goes.
We are not freaks, we are not sick, we are not threats to anyone. We are who we are and sometimes we are our biggest enemy.
So all the power to you Amanda I wish you well. Your head is in the right space.
Luv
Amanda
X

[Leahann]

I don't know about a facial, but a mani/pedi with polish, even if just clear, for sure! The color will follow.

[Beverley Sims]

Well I am a failure my index finger is shorter than my ring finger.

[Jamie001]

I don't know about a facial, but a mani/pedi with polish, even if just clear, for sure! The color will follow.

I would also recommend the facial because they are really wonderful and you will really enjoy it. Aroma therapy facials are especially nice. Get color at least on the toes and clear on the fingers.

[Dorit]

Yes,I can completely relate to this as after many years of self condemnation I finally began to accept who I am. Yes, I have strong feminine traits in my personality that I am finally beginning to express. This expression of my true self has made me so much more loving and accepting of others, as it began with loving and accepting myself! People have noticed the change in me and tell me how much nicer and loving I have become in the last few years. So I would encourage you to let it out as your heart leads, there may be some that do not understand it, not only you but others also will benefit from your change. This has been my experience.

[sometimes_miss]

Saw one today that suggested that if your index finger on your dominant hand is longer than your ring finger that this is a sign there was more estrogen in the womb than the big T.

I thought it indicated genes from E.T.. Or is that only if the end of the finger glows?
I don't put much credence in pop personality tests or suggestions about finger lengths indicating gender behavior; they're usually written by someone who notices it in someone they knew, and all of a sudden they start looking for other people in genderland with the same physical traits, and ignore the fact that there are lots of other people for whom it doesn't mean anything at all.

Like you wrote, just be happy and content because it's the right thing to be, not because somebody else wrote something in a periodical somewhere.
Don't worry, be happy. Better words have never been written.

[Marcelle]

Hi Amanda,

IMHO the first form of acceptance is "self-acceptance" and that is what you are talking about. I have ceased caring or worrying what others think as I can not and do not want to go back to being that miserable/depressed person I was before I accepted Isha as part of me. No plans to transition either but I don't keep Isha on a leash and am very open with my friends, family and work colleagues. This has lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders and while I know some people may snigger behind my back at work (even when I am presenting male) that is their baggage not mine.

Great attitude for you to have.

Hugs

Isha

[DebbieL]

Amanda,

As far as the finger test, this has been widely researched and they gave found that the "finger test" is often an indicator of other characteristics of "feminine" or "masculine" traits including brain composition and structure (more white matter, smaller limbic system... if you have the larger index finger). Without testosterone or the ability to process testosterone effectively, especially during the first 8 weeks of pregnancy, the body will be feminine in bone structure and brain structure. The genitalia is formed later and requires less testosterone.

How these physiological differences manifest themselves vary depending on how the person was raised and other factors. However, if you have a substantially longer index finger, there is also a pretty good chance that your brain is more "female" as well.

In "Alpha Males", the brain has less white matter and a larger limbic system, making them more aggressive, competitive, angry, and violent. This was probably the result of several thousands of years where the strongest and most aggressive soldiers survived and weaker more feminine men were usually the first to die in battle, often during their first time in battle. Often, effeminate boys would stay with the women, learning how to use herbs, plants, and animal parts for healing - and poisons. They would become shaman, wizards, or witches. Just before Lady McBeth kills the king she says "Unsex me", witches were often suspected of being genderless or of ambiguous gender.

19th and 20th century warfare made killing at range much easier, and a percentage of the alpha male population was killed. In addition, the 1 in 100 babies born with gender ambiguity were corrected shortly after birth. In 1 in 10,000 births, both male and female organs are present. In some cases, there are even apparent males who have a uterus and pass their blood anally.

Even with all the biological markers indicating you are female, you were raised in a culture that forced you to be as male as possible, even if being "masculine" might not have been your nature.

When I was growing up, in elementary school, I had no clue how to hide my feminine nature. As a result, I was violently attacked by 10-15 boys (most of the boys in my class) two to three times a day. I was hospitalized pretty regularly for asthma aggravated by the violence and trauma. Often, I would go to the hospital and I would have to assure the doctors and nurses examining me that my parents weren't beating me, the boys at school were doing it. The often kept me in the hospital longer than necessary, to give the bruises and injuries a chance to heal.

In Jr high, the assumption shifted from my being a "girlie" or "Sissy" to assumptions that I was a "Faggot", "Fairy", "Queer", and other names for homosexual. It didn't help that I had to take showers and show my tiny boy parts, hairless body, and wide hips to 100 other boys in gym class. The walk from the shower to the locker was the worst, being whipped with rat-tail towels soaked in water, or belts, often belt buckles. Some of the scars remained until my 30s.

By high school, I enjoyed the protection of several "Butch" homosexuals who knew I wasn't gay, but knew that I knew other gays and could "fix them up" with dates and new friends. When I showed up at the school musical with a girl from another school, there were expressions of shock, until they talked to her and realized that she was a virgin and "saving herself" and I didn't have a problem with that - meaning I probably was gay. When someone explained that "If you are a guy and you fantasize having sex with a guy, you're gay". Well, since in my fantasies, I was a girl with a girl, I was a lesbian, but how to you tell ANYONE about hat.

So by the time I was 25, I had been through a dozen flavors of hell, I'd fallen in love a several times only to be dumped when the girl found out how feminine I was. Cross-dressing was something to be done very covertly, even though I did it pretty regularly. Mom encouraged me to be the family "housewife", letting me do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and teaching me how to knit, crochet, sew, and various crafts. But dressing was something we didn't discuss. I regularly slept in a slip, a teddy, or a nightie that I'd raided from the dirty clothes hamper or the "goodwill bag". And I know that my parents would see the spaghetti straps as they tucked me in when I was supposedly asleep. What I didn't know was they were trying to protect me from the "cure" used in the 1960s - electroshock, torture, and lobotomy.

When I finally moved in with Leslie, I realized I had to tell her about my dressing. She seemed OK with it, but wanted to keep it private and covert, in the bedroom, lingerie only, and only on "special occaisons". Of course, 2 days after we were married, she made it clear that she thought it was disgusting and threatened to tell my fundamentalist Christian grandparents about me if I didn't like it.

I was 35 by the time I realized the marriage was over. We had two kids, and the therapist we had gone to for couples counseling realized that I was a type six transsexual. Not only had I tried to castrate myself since my testes dropped down at age eleven, but I had also become very self destructive when I found out I was a bass, often attempting to overdose on drugs and alcohol on a weekly basis. Probably the only reason I had survived was because I had joined AA and NA when I was 21 and stopped drinking/drugging entirely by the time I was 24.

I started to transition at age 35 and was about to start hormones when my ex-wife made a credible threat to have my visitation entirely revoked while still being obligated to pay half my after-tax income in child support. Since there step-father was often abusive, I needed to be able to step in if necessary, so I aborted the transition. it was probably the wrong decision, since I barely got to see the kids and Leslie often made sure that no one was home when I tried to make my regularly scheduled weekly calls.

There is SO MUCH PRESSURE to conform to our assigned gender, often reinforced by violence, trauma, terror, loss of love, friendships, even family, and even loss of jobs and community memberships. In effect, everyone expects us to pretend to be something we aren't and deny who we are, and one of our few outlets is "dressing up" in the privacy of our own home. But when you share the home with a wife and family, even this last refuge is taken away. In a sense, we are expected to "Kill ourselves" who we really are, so we can be acceptable to the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally.

One of the things a gender therapist needs to do is try to determine how much of you is feminine and what it will take for you to be able to live a happy and healthy life. If all you need is the ability to dress up now and then, consider yourself lucky. On the other hand, by doing some feminine things that are not sexually linked, like a manicure, pedicure, and facial, you get a chance to explore your feminine side, and there is also the chance to let a bit of that feminine "leak out" in the form of manicured and polished (clear) nails.

When you start to do a few subtle feminine things, you can begin to reveal yourself in a way that is more socially acceptable. When a woman noticed my polished nails and complimented me on it, it was easy to say "I'm letting my feminine side out", and I got positive feedback. Later, it became quite easy to get compliments on my nails or hair or jewelry and be able to respond with "I'm transgendered and exploring my feminine side". Later it was "I'm transsexual and transitioning". Today, I have 38-D breasts and live full time as female, I'm happier, healthier, and more productive than ever.