For the last few weeks I have gone through what I would not wish on my worst enemy, an extrapolation to the rollercoaster ride that adds to it new dimensions from a new euphoric high to a dark and fearsome nadir.
Now my story does not differ from so many here, dressing as a child, stealing clothing from my sisters and dressing until puberty. This was followed by a hiatus of many decades, no urge, no compulsion from about age 13 to mid-forties. During that time I served in the army in the UK and here in Australia, eventually graduating from the Australian Royal Military College Duntroon in the mid-eighties as a commissioned officer, a Lieutenant in the Military Police.
Struggling through the worst outbreak of peace, I left in the mid-nineties to join the state police. I joined the Navy as a reserve Clearance Diver whilst waiting for the recruitment cycle serving in a Special Forces role serving for another 6 years… The last nearly twenty years have been spent in a law enforcement role, in several departments from the true outback trapping crocs and catching people smugglers to the major cities busting drug smugglers and others crims… I flew helicopters, bow hunted buffalo, dived shark infested waters over WW2 wrecks and so much more... I've really lived the boys own adventure. Stabbed three times and shot twice, I really enjoyed the dangers and excitement of my work. But all the time the gentle gnaw of ‘Donna’ was there, easily denied but there none the less.
About 2 years ago she ‘came out’ with a vengeance… The urge was strong and irresistible and it took only a short time to become enveloped in the pink fog. The conflicts started from those earliest days. Internally I questioned this is not me and what am I doing??? Why do I want to wear a dress, wear a bra, dress as a woman? I hid, I lied, I purged and replaced with alarming frequency. It ended up with me not talking to my wife but also not hiding my clothes whilst still dressing in secret. I let her find them and put it on her to initiate the discussion Once I did start to dress and confront her, I got a string on negative comments along the lines of ‘you look stupid in that!’, ‘you’re too fat’, etc. The bedroom door was my safety net.
Eventually I talked to the wife, discussed what was happening and we developed some boundaries. We discussed the need to communicate truthfully to hold no secrets from each other and to work together… I became so much more comfortable with what I was but with confidence comes the fog again and, amongst other faults I shopped to the extreme… Cue the involuntary purge!!!
Since then we have talked many times, we have discussed, we have argued but we compromised and I thought we had the ground rules developed… (I even ‘came out’ to work, the inevitable consequence of the type of work I do and the clearances I hold). But, and it was my fault, these rules, these ‘nevers’ kept being left in my wake.You know the ones like I never own a wig, I’ll never wear makeup, I’ll never post a picture on line, I’ll never go out dressed…..
I fought such an internal conflict with ‘dressing making me so happy’ versus ‘dressing being so wrong’ with the positive and pleasurable eventually defeating the negative. I wanted to explore the possibilities, to push the envelope and I did with this culminating in the Cross Dressers Ball in August this year. This gave me a whole new perspective…
Since then I had nothing to externally inhibit my dressing, I did what I wanted when I wanted. I went out, I shopped, I dressed in front of the family but I cared little for their concerns. I suppressed the negative feelings I had and enjoyed the positives. When Amanda came to visit I can honestly say I had never been happier, never really enjoyed myself until then. It was a true life changing experience, pure euphoria. However….
What the wife had been reticent to tell me, she readily told my colleagues and friends… The levels of her discomfort were discussed with other before she told me… I did not know this until cornered by ‘friends’ who told me, in no short terms, the concerns my wife had explained to them. What had happened to our talks, out plans to discuss and communicate our concerns? Naturally (for me anyway) I over reacted!!! Boy side took sole ownership. The ‘disgust’ I hold internally over the need to dress came to the fore. I bagged my stuff with the intention to do a 100% purge. I decided there and then that I would never dress again. I even contemplated leaving my wife and family.
I rapidly descended into a dark and self-destructive place. Inanimate objects suffered horrible at my hair trigger temper. I broke a toe kicking a wardrobe, smashed wine bottles (full of wine) and punched holes in plasterboard around my home… I became scary and very unpleasant to be around, but the urge to dress had completely disappeared… OK so I was dangerously suicidal, but….
So finally I had found the cure… All I had to do was become a total arsehole, alienate my family, jeopardise my career, have scant regard for my life and make even my closest friends desert me and I could survive without ‘frocking up’. What a dilemma, what a decision I was presented with …NOT!!!!
I am so grateful for a loving and forgiving family and some truly wonderful friends who have pulled me through… I’m climbing out of the dark and self-destructive death spiral!!! I’m booked in to talk to a psych in a few days and boy do I have lots to talk about. Donna is now back with all she owns hanging proudly in the wardrobe. I want to dress again and I will tonight. I even hugged the wife today for the first time in weeks…
I must admit I’m still conflicted over the need to dress. If there was a cure I’d take it now, a double dose just to be sure, but I am realising the strength of ‘her’ presence… Dressing is my happy place but for deeper psychological reasons that I can explain. I can fight hard, but she fights back harder, so much harder!!! I fear that I stop dressing, I fight the urge and I’ll soon be back in that spiral of self-destruction and incredible negativity. I hope the psych I’m seeing is a good one…
Sure sucks to be me!!!
I don't believe there is ANY universal tactic for dealing with how this affects each of us individually - in the same way as other serious things in life (relationships, kids, grief, death, etc...) sometimes we need some well-educated and experienced help to find our way through it... sounds like you're doing the right thing... 
) - I mean in a way that she never does things by halves... it's all 120% or nothing and woe betide anyone who gets left behind... Sometimes I think some of us find a way to pace things more naturally, and if you could just take your foot off that loud pedal a bit, you might find it a bit easier to go in the right direction... but I can understand how hard that can be if it's just not your nature...
), make it something soft! 
