I think I need some advice

[foxy bartender]

So, here's my dilemma... I'm 38, & probably been crossdressing since I was 7 or 8... I've always felt more of a kinship or sisterhood with girls, I always identified with female role models, & always had the desire to dress female & take the "traditional" female role (for lack of a better way to explain myself).
I've had feelings in the past that my body was the wrong gender, but was terrified of realizing it.
I recently started dressing again, I'm getting those feelings again, but now I know that I must realize who I was truly meant to be. My problem is two fold, & I know many of you have gone through both.
My SO is not a fan of my dressing. When I came out to her, she nearly crumbled, she tried to be supportive but found she couldn't. She directly asked if I wanted to live as a woman & at the time I said no... She kinda backed me into a corner & felt scared to be truthful...
I shared this part of me with her because she always loved drag queen shows, & watches rupaul's show regularly & is always talking about the girls on it & how great they look...
I know you'll all tell me to be honest with her, & have the difficult conversation, but I'm afraid...
My second problem is in regards to actually transitioning, is talking to a counsellor the best place to start? I've done a little research near where I live, & it seems that most counsellors don't take insurance for privacy reasons... I'll go broke if I pay out of pocket.. & she handles the finances, so I couldn't hide it...
How did you all know that there was no way to continue living as the wrong gender. Pretty much every day now I'm feeling that being a male is just wrong for me...
Am I just stuck in a pink fog?
Just hoping for some feedback from some of you who are wiser then I.. I'm lost & scared....

[Barati]

It looks to me like a basic choice between your marriage and transition/freedom. Trust your instinct and choose what will make you feel right. Only the time will show...

[Jorja]

Being transsexual and needing to transition is a lot more than just dressing in the cloths and thinking you might be a girl. For most of us there is a deep driven need to be female. It is not something we want or would like to do. It is something we MUST do. We do not have any control over this need. We have no choice in the matter. If you ask, most of us will tell you it was transition or die.

I would suggest starting with a gender therapist with experience in transsexual issues. They will help you understand better what is going on with you. It may be a pink fog or it may be that you do have gender dysphoria. A lot of them will have a sliding payment scale so you can afford their services. Talk with them and see what you can arrange.

[Rachel Smith]

What Jorja said. No one would ever CHOOSE this.

[kimdl93]

Personally, I think you're getting a ways ahead of yourself. There are probably 100 things for you to consider before you decide if transitioning is even right for you...and you're on number 7, to paraphrase Jim Lovell on Apollo Thirteen. Why not focus on meeting with a therapist to help you clarify your thinking. Therapy isn't meant to steer you one direction or another, but rather to help you think clearly and make better thought out decisions.

[Megan Thomas]

How did you all know that there was no way to continue living as the wrong gender.

You've had some good answers and advice. In my own case I had a massive life changing experience from which I decided I would rebuild myself in my true gender. For many of us it is the case of reaching a point where we cannot continue as we have done for so long. There is no single path, point, or reason which can be identified, for we are all different.

I appreciate the dilemma you face regarding counselling but you and your SO have a responsibility to each other and support is not a one way street. If you have to let your SO know about counselling in order to pay for it then do so. One thing I can pretty much guarantee is the transition road is fraught with pain and difficulty. Take small steps and don't even consider it unless you can handle everything you can imagine being thrown at you, plus a whole lot of the unimaginable too. I've often said it's ironic that in order to lose our "physical" balls we have to grow a pair "mentally". Also, don't imagine for a minute that transition starts and stops with surgery. It's an evolving process that continues for many years...

[KellyJameson]

There are many excellant writers who have written of their transition and struggles before,during and after.

Reading their stories really helped me see the similarities in my own life and gave me the words to understand my thoughts and feelings.

I also read about those who are identified as intersexed because of so many psychological aspects that are shared with transexuals.

I was never male in that I found it impossible to relate to men as being of their kind or one of them. I liked them but always experienced myself as something apart from them.

The two closes relationships I have ever had were actually with men "because they were men and I was not". It was them contrasted against me that made the relationship. A type of Yin and Yang experience.

I cannot have this Yin and Yang experience with women because they are to similar to me.

There minds (men) work differently from mine. It is what comes out of the male mind that has always been absent in me.

The "male" was missing in me. Nothing to do with being dominant or aggressive but more what would make me that way was different than what would make a man dominant or aggressive.

I can be anything a man can be emotionally but my reasons are completely different for being that way. I come from a completely different place than men do even if I'm expressing what they are.

Look at both your female and male relationships for self understanding.

Gender goes very deep into the psyche. The superficial stuff is just so much fluff made into gender roles.

The gender roles could cause confusion. Go beyond the roles because in my opinion they are meaningless.

[foxy bartender]

Thank you all so much... It seems you all agree I need to sit down & open up to a therapist no matter what. I'm going to have to work it out. I'm fairly certain it will cost me my SO... I guess if it is meant to happen that way, then it has to.
Kelly, I'd really like to know what writers helped you, so I can do some reading

[sandra-leigh]

For most of us there is a deep driven need to be female. It is not something we want or would like to do. It is something we MUST do. We do not have any control over this need. We have no choice in the matter. If you ask, most of us will tell you it was transition or die.

What Jorja said. No one would ever CHOOSE this.

When I was young and began cross-dressing, I might have chosen to change external sex. I did not, in those days, have any conscious "deep driven need" to be female. I was not even in the slightest feeling that I was female inside. But I grew up during the peak of second wave feminism, with news stories about feminism and marches and a mother and a sister who were interested in feminism, and I wondered what it was like to be female in the world, how did the differences feel, what was the "lived experience" of women. My cross-dressing was (at least in my mind) an attempt to explore that, to get the first approximation by examining how it felt to be "confined" in the supposedly-oppressive clothes. I was not doubting what I was hearing and reading, and I was not "glamorizing" the situation. But I wanted to try it myself so I could understand better and be better for it. I have long long understood that for me, there is no substitute for living an experience. So back then, if a Fairy Godmother had offered, I might have said YES, with worry mostly that it would hurt my mother and sister if I did so.

(Lately, the more I prod gently at the memories, I come to suspect that by the time I thought about the above, I was already grabbing discarded pantyhose and "trying them on" and, ah, "exciting myself", and that the decision to experiment about what it would be like was in part a rationalization, a "reason" why trying the things was "justified". Not that the extra layer of interpretation was not sincere once the idea formed.)

These memories of experimenting as a teen have troubled me to the present day. "How do I know" that I have a real need, vs "still experimenting" ? And then when I hesitate or pause for other reasons, doubts along these lines get triggered, that maybe it isn't "real". That, I suppose, perhaps my identity is not "sufficiently female" to be TG / TS, that it's all still "trying things out to see what it feels like".

Are there other reasons for me to feel TG/TS? Yes. I went through a very hard time about 5 years ago where I was positively "busting out", doing seemingly risky things to show my female identity to the world. I was not under control in that regards. I got to feeling really sick for not being able to "be myself" at work. Far far beyond what a neutral "observer" would experience. When I had water retention (or whatever) and spontaneously developed a B cup, I was so happy and would not consider "hiding" my bust; when the bust suddenly started going away again, I was badly thrown and distraught and thought about what was happening to me and came to the conclusion that I needed to start HRT. I have never regretted starting HRT. I regret the transitioning I am engaged in only to the extent that it has led to distancing between my mother and I.

I still think from time to time that "Maybe I don't need to go any further". "Maybe, now that I have been on HRT for years, I would be able to handle working as an apparent male". My inner response is consistently to shudder a bit and say, "NO, when I work again, at the very least it would have to be as a Transgender person, not as a male.". But that's a different matter than "going further".

Where am I... so perhaps I might have Chosen instead of Needing To. But the point became moot because it turns out that I Need To. But I still don't know yet that I Need To do SRS. Breast Augmentation, though, I think I am finding that I Need To.

[morgan pure]

Your problem is one that many of us have faced and are still facing in many cases. It is not cut and dry. Some women find that they can compromise and give you space to dress. As for transitioning and all that--whats the rush?

[Claire Cook]

I don't know about being wiser but I do know that we are all part of the TG spectrum. Even though I consider myself to be more female than male and am open about presenting as female, I am not considering transitioning or going 24/7. We all probably have situations that are in some sense unique. I'm very fortunate to have a wife who accepts and loves me as I am. I would definitely follow the advice of others and talk to a therapist who has worked with TG's. But I do think you need to discuss this with your SO. There are some of us who are content with our TG'ism and still maintain our male personas.

[foxy bartender]

I'm not feeling like I need to rush really, but my SO made it pretty clear that transition would be a deal breaker for her. When I tried talking to her about my feelings we started with my dressing & she was very clear that she wanted a man in her life, even though she clearly identifies as a bisexual woman. When we started dating she told me she was bi, & was infatuated with rupaul & drag queens so I figured she would be into the idea of being with a crossdresser...
Guess I was wrong. I don't want to hurt her, or drag this out if the end result is me becoming the woman i was meant to be, which will likely end our relationship & hurt her. I'm Very attracted to her, & love her so much, & was hopeful that we could continue our relationship as 2 women together, knowing that she is bi. We currently have an arrangement that she can see another girl, as long as she's up front about it & we all know about each other. I didn't even ask to be involved in any way. I'd even be willing to let her date boys after my transition if she wished as long as the same thing were true.
There is a young guy at her work, that she talks to all the time, & if I didn't trust her, I'd swear she was already dating him.
This is why I need to take all of y'all's advice & seek out a counselor & maybe have some sessions together.
I've known my truth for a very long time, I'm just feeling ready to realize it. I'm just too scared to go through it alone.
I'm afraid I couldn't survive without her... Emotionally or financially....

[Jorja]

#1. Marriages rarely survive transition. It takes two special people for it to work. As you have stated, "she was very clear that she wanted a man in her life".

#2. See #1

[DebbieL]

So, here's my dilemma... I'm 38, & probably been crossdressing since I was 7 or 8... I've always felt more of a kinship or sisterhood with girls, I always identified with female role models, & always had the desire to dress female & take the "traditional" female role (for lack of a better way to explain myself).
I've had feelings in the past that my body was the wrong gender, but was terrified of realizing it.

Sounds like you are, at minimum transgender. You haven't shared enough to indicate that you are transsexual or that you are a "must transition" transsexual.
Given the conflicted feelings you are going through right now, I'd say that would be expected.

Were you forced to hide your feminine nature?
Were you forced to hide the dressing?
Did you suffer in any way because of either the dressing or the feminine nature?

Often, if we are allowed to be feminine in behavior, the dressing takes on more significance. In my family, I was allowed to express my feminine side by doing "housewife" chores like cooking, laundry, ironing, cleaning (especially bathrooms) and dishes. On the other hand, I was not allowed to dress publicly or privately. My father didn't want to pay for clothes I couldn't even wear in public.

I always wanted to be a girl, and was terribly upset when they told me at school that I couldn't play with the girls anymore and had to play with the boys. Dressing was one of the last things I did as "one of the girls" and it was a way to bring back happy memories of a time when no one cared.

I recently started dressing again, I'm getting those feelings again, but now I know that I must realize who I was truly meant to be. My problem is two fold, & I know many of you have gone through both.

How much of your feminine side did you make public before the dressing started? How much after? Dressing can be a trigger for some strong emotional recall, similar to certain smells. You may be transsexual and dressing brings back happy memories, or you may be a cross-dresser and the feelings bring back memories and feelings of other women and girls in your life. Many cross-dressers are quite happy being guys, don't even try to "pass" and wouldn't give up being a guy for all the clothes in the world. Other cross-dressers are transsexuals who have tried to "settle" for dressing. Sometimes, especially after a period of abstinence, dressing opens the floodgates for the rest.

My SO is not a fan of my dressing. When I came out to her, she nearly crumbled, she tried to be supportive but found she couldn't. She directly asked if I wanted to live as a woman & at the time I said no... She kinda backed me into a corner & felt scared to be truthful...

Not that unusual. You love your wife, AND you like your wife. She's not just your lover and (mother of your children?), she is also your best friend. You've hated keeping your secret all these years, and when she acted upset you tried to do what you had to do to save the friendship, the love, and the marriage. You wouldn't be the first, you won't be the last.

I shared this part of me with her because she always loved drag queen shows, & watches rupaul's show regularly & is always talking about the girls on it & how great they look...
I know you'll all tell me to be honest with her, & have the difficult conversation, but I'm afraid...

You should talk to her about this. Keep in mind that if she has been watching these kinds of shows, she probably has no clue the difference between a transsexual and a drag queen and a cross-dresser. I've noticed that even though many of the contestants on Drag Race are effeminate, they don't try to hide their masculine side either.

The problem with your wife seeing a show like this and assuming that all transgenders are like drag queens is a bit like watching America's top model and thinking that all women are like the most witchy of all the models.

My second problem is in regards to actually transitioning, is talking to a counsellor the best place to start?

You should start talking to a counselor NOW, even before you start THINKING about transition.
The gender therapist is not going to wave a magic wand over your head and ***poof***, your a girl.

A good gender therapist will help you assess your past and current gender identity, the degree of gender dysphoria, and your past and current living situation - this will all be done one on one, and may take a while. He or she will usually want to meet the guy first, then the girl. Often, seeing you in both presentations will help her asses even more than interviews and questionnaires.

Then she will want to see you and your SO together.
Part of the task of the gender therapist is to help you identify the realities of what would have to change if you transition.
Would you have to leave your wife and/or children?
Would you have to find a new job or work for a different employer?
Would you have to give up relationships with siblings or parents?
Would you have problems with inlaws?
Do you have a network of people who could support you in transition?

Very often, we as transsexuals tend to imagine worst case scenarios, often including memories of childhood hurts and even violence experienced at the hands of other boys.
This has been a natural part of our self-preservation. If acting to "girlie" or dressing to "girlie" resulted in violence, loss of friendships, jobs, or lovers, our natural instinct is to avoid such negative possibilities by reinforcing the worst possible scenarios - which keeps the desire to transition in check. Much the same way that fears of punishment, violence, or even eternal suffering, will prevent a teen boy from engaging in premarital sex or criminal behaviors, even though the instinct and desire are natural and always present.

The next step for your therapist is to see how you are willing to engage with paying "the price". Many of us have had to give up things that would be unthinkable to other people. In 1990, I had to confront losing my job, losing my wife, losing my children, leaving the town I lived in, and having to pay half my after tax income to my ex-wife and her new husband, all of which I was willing to do. I moved from Colorado Springs to Denver, I left Federal Express and worked for an insurance company where most of the executives were women, I got divorced and met a wonderful woman who had a child, and we moved in together, and then she brought home a few girl-friends - to share.

It wasn't until my ex-wife presented me with a copy of a note from a social worker stating that my visitation was detrimental to the children and my visitation should be revoked without a reduction in my child support, that I finally caved and aborted the transition. Their new step-father was bipolar, had a nervous breakdown, and was taking a belt to my son. I wasn't going to give up the ability to protect my children, and take custody if necessary.

Even though both of my kids knew about Debbie, I had to wait until my youngest graduated from college before I could even think about transition again. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was not willing to pay the price of never being able to see them again, talk on the phone again, or even send them a letter.

It turned out to be a mistake. Leslie just wanted the money with no interference. When my sister found out they were still using a belt, and I confronted my ex, she refused to let my kids my sister or their cousins ever again. When I came to visit for a week, a trip I had planned for months in advance with her knowledge, Leslie managed to schedule them the entire week, with time for their grandmother, their uncle, family activities - but she could fit me in for an hour on Thursday, an hour on Saturday, and 30 minutes on Sunday (even though she knew I had to catch a plane. Had I known then what I know now, I would have completed the transition in 1993.

I've done a little research near where I live, & it seems that most counselors don't take insurance for privacy reasons... I'll go broke if I pay out of pocket.. & she handles the finances, so I couldn't hide it...

The first thing you want to do is call your employee assistance program from your work. Tell them you are suffering from gender disphoria and it's causing you to feel depressed and you'd like to talk to a counselor. Often, the counselor will be able to come up with a legitimate code that will be covered by your insurance. You should also find out if your employer has any sort of a "Diversity Program" and whether that program includes support for LGBT staff. Most employers, especially those who operate in all 50 states and/or Canada or the UK will have such programs because they are required to do business in many states.

Do NOT let your privacy concerns prevent you from getting the kind of help you need. Therapists are very creative at finding ways to meet the needs of their clients while protecting their confidentiality as much as possible. By law, they are required to report any indications that you are a danger to yourself or others, or a danger to children. You can tell your therapist that you have thought about suicide, but if you tell her that you are thinking about taking a specific set of actions in order to kill yourself, she will be required to have you put into a 72 hour hold for observation.

How did you all know that there was no way to continue living as the wrong gender.

At several times in my life, it reached a point here I didn't want to continue living period.
When I thought I had no choice but to live the rest of my life as a male, I did many stupid things. This was back in the 1960s, transition wasn't even available, Harry Benjamin hadn't even published his paper yet, there were no WPATH guidelines. The standard accepted treatment for "Gender Psychosis" (thinking you were a girl inside) was shock therapy, aversion therapy, and in extreme cases, lobotomy. Even back then, the suicide rate among transsexuals was so high that severe cases had to be committed or they would kill themselves.

When I discovered I had a bass singing voice, I felt like my life was over. I started hanging out with the "druggies", the "freaks", and taking combinations of booze, recreational drugs, prescription drugs, and over the counter drugs that should have killed me - every week. I usually ended up in a black-out, no memory of what I did. One minute I'm sitting in a chair too bashful to make eye contact with the girl across the room, the next minute I'm walking into my house and answering my parents questions about my evening. Often, my only knowledge of events was what my friends would tell me. It seemed that I had two versions of Debbie that came out. One was a **** who frequently ended up in the coat room, kneeling next to the bed, with my head between the legs of some girl who had worn' the skirt just for that purpose. The other was a B*tch who would emasculate men verbally until one of them would attack me, and I would open my legs wide so he could kick my balls in.

When I was 21 and my first fiance dumped me the day after she found out that I might enjoy wearing stockings or pantyhose, I went on another run of booze and drugs that ultimately led to a 72 hour hold, 3 months in a half-way house, 6 months of daily group therapy for 6 hours a day, and even then, I did something so stupid I sat in a room with 6 therapists, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist - facing lock-up, and when they asked "why did you do it", I told them "I want to be a girl". Their response was "we can't talk about that, not here, not in private, not in group, not ever". I promised not to do it again, and ended up getting clean and sober. I doubt' I would have made it to my 22nd birthday if I hadn't.

When had to abort transition to protect my kids, I started overeating. I went from 160 lbs to over 330 lbs. I had a heart attack and signed a DNR order. They cleared the blockage easily and I survived and thrived, but I did have to lose some weight or I would have lost my job (have to fasten a seat belt to fly).

When my current current wife told me she was not OK with my wanting to transition, I woke up every night at 3 AM with suicidal thoughts. Fortunately I didn't have a gun (I never trusted myself with one), and I didn't want to give up decades of clean time and sobriety, but the thoughts were so strong and intense that I finally told my doctor - and ended up in lock-up psych ward for about 8 hours.

You asked the right question, but you asked it the wrong way. The real question is "If you knew that you would have to spend the next 40-50 years - until you die, as a man, what would you do?". For far too many of us, over half, the action actually taken was an actual attempt at suicide. I've even heard of one girl whose therapist gave her the ultimatum, and then when she said "I'd kill myself", he gave her a bottle of colored water, told her that it would kill her in about 90 seconds, it would be painful, but it would be over before the ambulance could get there - she picked up the bottle and drank the entire contents. Fortunately, it was a bluff, and the therapist got her the therapist she needed - covered by her insurance.

There is a big difference between clinical depression and situational depression.

Clinical depression is a biochemical condition that impacts your metabolism, your hormonal levels, and triggers thought processes that can easily turn self destructive.
- for that, there are medications that can help stabilize those hormones and their production.

Situational depression is when you are experiencing a situation that is unacceptable or difficult to accept. Good examples are the loss of a loved one, a child, or a parent, a divorce, or a situation that you know cannot be resolved, such as a debilitating disease like ALS, MD, or cancer. To a transsexual, the prospect of being forced to spend the rest of our lives as men, is like telling us that we must spend the rest of our lives in solitary confinement, without the possibility of parole. How many convicts, given such a sentence, and left alone in a room with a hypodermic needle filled with a fatal overdose of heroine, could go more than a few weeks before using it?

Pretty much every day now I'm feeling that being a male is just wrong for me...

This is why you MUST start seeing a therapist who has at least SOME proper training in Gender Dysphoria and WPATH protocols. The APA has been offering workshops on GD for about 5 years, and they are widely attended. The APA has also stated that it is unethical for a therapist to try to tell a transsexual NOT to transition. Because of this, even if you just go to the EAP, they will HAVE to refer you to a therapist who is qualified to determine whether or not you are transsexual, and can then guide you through the very long maze called transition.

Am I just stuck in a pink fog?

You'll find that out when you are dressing every day or as much as possible. If you are putting on make-up every day, wearing a wig every day, doing your hair, wearing the clothes, wearing heels or feminine shoes, and generally doing everything you can to get REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE, you will find out pretty quickly whether it's "pink fog", a fantasy that would be fun for a few days, weeks, or even months, or if you really would be happier as a woman - for the rest of your life.

Just hoping for some feedback from some of you who are wiser then I.. I'm lost & scared....

[Ashley D.]

#1. Marriages rarely survive transition. It takes two special people for it to work. As you have stated, "she was very clear that she wanted a man in her life".

#2. See #1

This is so true. Transitioning is not easy. Add a spous and or kids and it's that much harder.
Take to heart everything that Jorja sayes. Take you time talk to a therapist.
If you do come to a point of transition. Go in ready to loss everything and everyone in you life.