Coming out to SO

[Kimberly Ann]

The main thing to remember is that everyone is different and each SO will react in different ways. I have a few thoughts on the subject that might be beneficial. Do not talk to your SO while you are dressed. There is something about seeing your husband dressed as a female for the first time that can be a little strange. Talk to her and then proceed slowly and with caution. I have read where some people thought it would be a good idea to come out by surprising their SO while dressed. I am pretty sure this is NEVER a good idea. I also think it's important to not beat around the bush and to be as honest and open as possible. For instance...don't just say you have a fetish. I was much more understanding when my husband and I talked through the fact that this is an expression of who he is on the inside. For some reason that piece resonated with me and I was much more understanding of his need versus it just being a fetish. Not sure if that makes sense, but it was like a switch was flipped in my brain as far as my level of understanding in regards to cross dressing. I also like to think about all of the things I love about my husband...his sensitivity...and ability to get me like I have never experienced in any other relationship. I value these attributes and feel like these reflect his inner girl. It also helped me to read the book "My Husband Betty". Not that everything in the book was relevant, but it really helped me understand cross dressing better. For me, it made the whole thing seem a lot less intimidating. The other thing to remember is that sometimes no matter what you do the other person may not be accepting of your cross dressing. I think this is a sad reality and it breaks my heart when I read other people's stories about being rejected. The flip side of that is you may not be able to live any longer in fear of being discovered or without acceptance. I wish you the best of luck and hope your SO is open to moving forward with you.

[Margot Emerson]

I told my wife all about my dressing about 20 years ago. But, that was only after about 17 years of marriage. Thing is, during those 17 years, I never dressed at all, though I wanted to and would fantasize about it. But, at that point, I knew I needed to start dressing again. I actually wrote a long letter to her with all the details carefully explained. That was back in the days when people actually wrote physical letters! I told her there was something that we needed to talk about, but that I felt I was able to best explain it in writing where I could choose just the right words. I gave her the letter in an envelope and told her that I'm going for a ride, which I did for a few hours.

When I came back, we hugged and had a talk about it. She's been nothing but very supportive since.

But, here's the thing. We always have had a very open-minded, honest relationship where we could talk frankly about any topic. So, even though it was scary for me to open myself up about such a sensitive issue, I really knew that we would work something out. I never felt like I would lose her. I think part of it was that I told her in the letter that if she positively could not live with it, that I would give it up. And I honestly think that I would have, because I basically did without for 17 years. I would be less happy and complete, but I think she knew I meant it, and I wasn't demanding anything

Main point is that, like others have mentioned, every marriage is different. So what worked for us, might be a disaster for someone else. But for what its worth, that's my story.

In the end, only you know how your relationship works. And to me, before you decide to tell her, maybe have in your mind what your deal breaker is, if you have any. Maybe take the time to ponder different outcomes, and what you can compromise on if you need to. Not so much because you need to have anything mapped out, but just so you'll be prepared to keep the conversation constructive.

Good luck!

[ClaraKay]

The one truth that no one will deny is that every couple's situation is different. In my case, I came out to my wife one year ago after struggling secretly with my transgender identity all my life. Surprisingly, I had not cross-dressed in all the 32 years that we were married. I coped with my sex-gender incongruence through fantasy which I relied on to ease my mental distress until it eventually descended into depression late in life. When I discovered that my condition was a consequence of being transgender and that it was an incurable medical condition, I sought to apply the now accepted diagnostic for confirming transgenderism, a trial period of taking estrogen. After only a few weeks on HRT, my anxiety and depressed mental state evaporated. I knew at that moment that I had to involve my wife into what was going to be a life changing period in our lives. I, too, wrote a long letter explaining myself and all that I had learned about my condition. When the day came, after months of hesitation, I put the letter aside and spoke from my heart. I was scared to death of the risk that I was taking. In a very emotional exchange, I laid bare the story of my struggle with my gender identity that had such a profound effect on my life since childhood, and asked for understanding and patience that we might find a way to work through this crisis and stay together. The initial response was discouraging, but eventually she came to accept and help me with what has progressed to a full gender transition. The key for us was establishing and maintaining trust and also managing the natural tendency to fear the consequences, real and imagined, that living as a trans couple brings about.

For us, it was vital that trust be established. I'm glad I found the courage to be honest with my wife; that I didn't destroy whatever trust existed by being 'found out' indirectly. Secondly, it was so important to discover and calm the fears she and I had about the consequences of my transgenderism. Being an older couple, in retirement, at the top of our list was the fear of our eventual breakup. It's unfortunate, that we are not always aware of what drives our fear. It can take months to discover the underlying causes so that it can be dealt with constructively.

[Marsha My Dear]

Hi Vickki, I came out to my to-be wife in a letter. I knew being a crossdresser would be revealed at sometime if we got serious. I didn't want her to go through the shock of finding my girly things, or worse, coming home to find me dressed up. When we talked, I calmed her fears that CD made me dangerous or crazy. But it would have been the deception on my part that would have put the dagger in the heart of our budding relationship. I hope this helps in some small way, and that it goes well when you reveal Vickki to your SO. Best of fortune, Marsha.

[CherylFlint]

For your own peace of mind and mental health, the sooner the better.