For most of my life, CDing seemed something I had to hide and deny, but despite a sense of guilt or shame, never was willing to fully abandon. I doubt I am unique in that respect. I was in my mid 40s when I finally understood that CDing wasn't a crime and that it wasn't going away.
Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.
Eleanor Roosevelt
As a teen and young adult I was shy and didn't have any satisfying relationships with the opposite sex. There was a sexual aspect to my CDing and I thought that if I had a good sexual relationship with a real woman maybe the need to crossdress would go away. After several purges I gradually came to accept that this was a permanent part of who I am and it would not go away. Now that I am happily married to a wonderful and accepting woman I know that the need to CD will always be there even though the sexual aspect of it is diminished.
Hi Adelaide, I have been dressing for over 67yrs. and I've never had any thoughts that this program would ever go away.
It's like the Mafia, You just can't quit it.
Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~...
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
When I needed to go shopping again after my third and final purge over twenty years ago.
When, after 3 1/2 years, my urge/need to CD returned with a vengeance and I accepted that there was nothing that needed fixing.
Aw, ya beat me to it. Yeah, one tick of the universal clock after i put on my first piece of lingerie.Originally Posted by paulaprimo
for me about one planck time or 12 altoseconds...
Without benefit of the internet it took me until my mid 40s to realize it wasn't going away and it took me a few more years to fully embraced it.
Last edited by Taylor186; 10-22-2014 at 09:09 AM.
I'd purged once, re-purchased, re-purged, re-purchased, joined here....
Was kind of around the time I admitted to myself "This is who I am".
Once you are happy with yourself, then you're not worried about it never going away.
To tell you the full truth, I'm more worried about it going away somehow, because I love it.
It's the other half of my whole that makes me.... well, me!
Samantha -x-
I've been through the denial / purge cycle a several times in my life. What changed it for me was growing older and developing a different attitude, as in I decided to live my life the way I wanted to, and worry less about the inner conflicts I was dealing with, also the internet and places like this where I learned that I was not alone, I have been given a boost just with that knowledge, and lastly an accepting spouse.
I never purged, but I never built much of a collection of clothing until after I came out to my wife and she accepted and began to support me in this. So that was around 2002 and I was in my early 50's. I had started to come to terms with it a few years earlier, not really accepting that it would be with me for the rest of my life, but acknowledging it was part of my personality and I'd better figure some things out or go nuts. So basically I spent my teens through my mid-40's dealing with something I didn't understand, couldn't control and never shared with anyone else. I'm amazed that I'm not terribly damaged and can't tell you to this day what really got me through.
Sarah
Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.
I never had the idea that it would ever go away but I always had the thought that when I had the chance I would embrace it more. I still feel that way.
Adelaide,
I've been a CDer from the age of 8-9 years and the realisation never hit me till I posted my opening thread on the forum and saw the replies and checked members ages !
At the time it felt like being hit with a sledgehammer, I'd lived with the shame and guilt all those years thinking at some point this is going to end, instead I took the step of accepting a name so I could register on the forum. In some respects it's probably the best thing I did, giving myself a real name that I could relate my CDing feelings to my female part of my brain. OK it's only chemistry if you read Confucious's explanations but it manifests itself in wanting to CD and look female and it is real not fantasy !
I try not to make claims that I can not substantiate, buuutttt, I started at 6-7, and have gathered and purged more times than I dare admit- more than anyone - I finally tried some sort of self analysis and decided in my late forties, that lots and lots of good money was being wasted replenishing Gina's wardrobe, but that in order to quit, I had to WANT to- and I still had enough hormones coursing through my veins to know that I never would want to, ssssoooooo, as nutty as it seems, I decided to marry the woman in me- silly right? and even after that ceremony, which I performed with as much sincerity as a girl can muster, I purged twice more. I have had my current wardrobe about three years now, and am always worried sick about being discovered. And I spend an inordinate amount of time and risk trying to dress, make this some normal part of my life that I can live with. But the truth is- I know now, at 57, that I am a CD for life!!!! And it only took me 40 hard years or so to figure it out.!!!!
For me, I began to realize this was not going away on my honeymoon in my early 20's. I explained to my new wife how I had tried to stop many times prior to meeting her, and would continue to try to stop. She actually fostered my dressing on our honeymoon by having me wear her lingerie. Things went smooth for a while, then i would step over some "line" and we would go cold over the issue. Often a few years would go by, and I would find some hobby to occupy my time, fishing, golf, coaching our children, etc. Finally, at about 50yrs. of age after a near split in our marriage, it finally became crystal clear. My stares at other women, my "flirting", my actions morning till night were driven by my neeed to crossdress. That was a real "lightbulb" moment for me.
I kinda figured it out after i got married unfortunately .Until then i still thought i could curb it .I finaly accepted it after my divorce so basically it took until i was in my 40,s
I have a hubcap diamond star halo
I was stubborn, and was determined to beat it. I finally gave up after about 30 years. That was nearly 2 years ago. I can't say life has been all roses since then, but I do overall feel better about myself. I no longer hate myself. I may be different than most, but I am as ok as any.
Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned
Sometime in my mid 20s I guess. I purged when I got married and didn't dress for several years after. Then the urge came back and I started dressing again. I knew it was for good once I started buying wigs and pads. At that point it had progressed passed a fetish and I was dressing for the enjoyment of dressing. Now at 34 I know it's for life.
Thank you ladies for your contributions to my question.
From my reading of the answers, a majority of the respondents the light bulb didn't click on until our 40's and 50s
Maybe we become more comfortable about ourselves and dressing when we reach the magical middle age?
I think it's greater maturity, but also having had enough personal interactions, positive and negative as well as business and private, to no longer base our self image on the perceptions of others and because we've had enough time to figure ourselves out. 35 or so was the time when I realized that although everyone is entitled to their opinion and has the right to voice it, I am also entitled not to give a damn about it.
I wonder if there's a generation component as well. The younger members grew up with the internet which allowed us to understand we weren't alone and better understand what we were dealing with. Whereas the older members didn't have the internet till much later in their lives and were forced to deal with their cding alone so it took them longer to come to terms with it. Just a thought.
Gradual, but early adult bookstore and internet readings especially Fictionmania, and then the book, "My Husband Wears My Clothes" by Peggy Rood. (Not in library; I had to order it at the bookstore).
And then again in my late fifties when a counselor convinced me to purge and promise my wife to never do it again. The urges cam back in 48 hours. Lucky, I didn't get rid of everything.
Having begun at about age 6 at first I thought it would fade away as I got into High School and dating. Wrong!!
Then when I began to seriously think about spending my life with a woman in college I was certain it would go away. Wrong!!
Then I married (and had purged about 3 times already) and I thought surely that would be the cue for it to disappear. Wrong!!
Then my wife "discovered" my secret. It was a very rough time and I went back into hiding and purging again. I felt certain it would leave me so that my marriage would grow. Wrong!!
Then I turned 50 and began to accept myself for who I really am, and for the woman who is so much a part of me. I came out to my wife and told her this is something that is me, not something I do. I need to express all of me in all my forms. After much discussion she began to accept and now is my staunchest supporter.
I have finally realized that this is most certainly going to end, once and for all, when I die!!
I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !
I also was 52 when I figured it was never going to stop. I can slow it down at times but never stop it.
GLENDA
I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN
My first interest in women's clothing was nylon slips. My mother use to hang laundry to dry in our apartment, either in the hallway or the sole bathroom. In order to get to my bedroom I had to negotiate through a maze of hanging laundry which included her full slips. I loved the feel of those nylon slips. The material was totally different than my cotton tee shirts, flannel shirts or dungarees which is what jeans were called in the 1950's. I use to caress the material. Finally I decided to put one on, and, i was hooked. Putting on a nylon slip strictly for the sensation of the fabric on the body is not really cross dressing. And, at that age there was nothing sexual about it. In my teen years for some unknown reason I went further and got into the lingerie draw and tried on panties, slips, girdles and stockings. Finally I added a sun dress. As I became aware of sexuality I felt self loathing. I felt I must be gay which was not accepted at all in the 1950's and 1960's. I backed off dressing and it left my life. I went through college and a brief military stint without any draw toward cross dressing.
Then I got married to a very attractive, sexy and adventurous woman. She looked great in nighties which were almost all nylon. Well, that rekindled my interest. We ended up shopping on occasion for nylon gowns, hosiery and a garter belt for me. This all occurred in the early 1970's. There was still a lot of self loathing involved in the dressing aspect. I came to terms with it. I realized cross dressing had absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality. I always was strictly into women. So, the end result is DADT with the recognition cross dressing is not going to go away. So the date I would say I realized all this in my mid 30's.
Another child of the olden days, I was born in the forties, grew up mostly in the fifties, when things like this where never talked about.
I discovered the thrill of dressing when I was around 6 or 7. I had the good sense to kept it to myself, I was only caught once and it was passed off as kids playing dress up. Although Dad made it clear guys don't dress like that, not even for play. When I got old enough to get interested in girls, I forgot about dressing, except on a few occasions when no one was home but me. After high school, I went into the service and didn't think about dressing until after I got out. Then during my first marriage, I was under a lot of pressure. and was spending a lot of my time stressed out. The old need to dress came swooping back, and I gave in to it. Being a somewhat honest person, I told my wife about it. a year latter I was single again. I buried the desire again, got a new job and started a new life. After my second marriage, and under stressful times again, I felt the need to start dressing again, and I was already in the middle of a marriage that was breaking down. I was around 29 at the time, and realized, this was not going away, and I couldn't hide in my own home, it just would not work for me. So we talked, and found that a lot of our problems where caused by that big secret I had been caring around all my life.
I made my wife understand that it wasn't going to go away, and if that was a deal breaker I understood, but she didn't see it as being as big a deal as I had. By my early thirties I had a very full wardrobe, and had become a very happy closeted dresser. Oh, and I'm another one that would fight to make sure it doesn't go away, it's to big a part of me.
Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.
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