Raising a child and crossdressing

[mandm40c]

We are trying to be objective in regards to this decision and not re-act off the fear of what if's. We feel telling our son and any future kids at a young age is better than waiting until they are too old and things become more confusing and hard to accept. However, we our concerned in regards to the potential bully ammunition, but also know it is just 1 thing of the many stupid reasons kids can be bullied. We started looking at a bunch of things kids could use to bully our kids in regards to our current situation that we find ridiculous, regardless if I am open about my dressing. We don't have a new car with every option known to man, so they will be bullied because that means we must be poor. I'm going to be a stay at home dad, while the wife makes the bacon, so I'm sure that is ammunition as well. My wife and I have brown hair and eyes, so if our kids have blond hair and blue eyes, that must mean they are adopted, so the bullying can commence. We plan on not giving our kids unlimited use cell phones when they are 5 years old, so my god, now they won't be cool and the bullying again can commence. My point is, should we stay behind closed doors because we are fearful of how our actions may cause our kids to be bullied? If that's the case, then we wouldn't let are kids out in public, because we will always give ammunition whether we do it intentional or not. So really, what is 1 more thing, if everything we do or provide has the potential to be used as ammunition.

[Dianne S]

I came out to my kids (aged 12, 16 and 20) back in April. They were all unfazed and accepting. The two older ones have told some friends who again were unfazed. However, this question is a serious case of YMMV. You have to consider the environment where you live, the rest of your family members, your friend and colleagues before making the decision to come out to your kids.

[carahawkwind]

We feel telling our son and any future kids at a young age is better than waiting until they are too old and things become more confusing and hard to accept. However, we our concerned in regards to the potential bully ammunition, but also know it is just 1 thing of the many stupid reasons kids can be bullied. We started looking at a bunch of things kids could use to bully our kids in regards to our current situation that we find ridiculous, regardless if I am open about my dressing. We don't have a new car with every option known to man, so they will be bullied because that means we must be poor. I'm going to be a stay at home dad, while the wife makes the bacon, so I'm sure that is ammunition as well. My wife and I have brown hair and eyes, so if our kids have blond hair and blue eyes, that must mean they are adopted, so the bullying can commence. We plan on not giving our kids unlimited use cell phones when they are 5 years old, so my god, now they won't be cool and the bullying again can commence. My point is, should we stay behind closed doors because we are fearful of how our actions may cause our kids to be bullied? If that's the case, then we wouldn't let are kids out in public, because we will always give ammunition whether we do it intentional or not. So really, what is 1 more thing, if everything we do or provide has the potential to be used as ammunition.

I mostly agree with this, kids find a million reasons to bully other kids, and being able to cope with bullying is pretty much an essential skill no matter who you are. I also think in the specific case of my daughter, she's going to have strong, unique personality, both of her parents do and that is even after years and years of them being encouraged to repress it, which we'll be trying not to do to her; at some point she'll likely be bullied no matter what, but ideally she'll also be clever enough, strong enough and have the support she needs to handle it.

[heatherdress]

If you tell your children, then you are passing on a burden from you that they will have to live with. It is naïve to think you are only teaching them acceptance of others, which certainly can be taught without crossdressing. You are going to subject them unnecessarily to teasing and uncomfortable questions and bullying and embarrassment - because you crossdress. It would be ideal if the world we live in was different, but others are narrow-minded and ignorant and mean. Most of us can figure out how to dress with discretion, if simply to protect our loved ones. It is different when they are older, perhaps, and they are more mature. But, as others have asked, "Why take this risk?" Especially when they are so young and vulnerable.

[swansong]

I don't know if that was taken the wrong way, but I don't think anyone telling their kids is a bad thing. There are indeed an endless amount of things a bully can use. I just don't think in my particular situation, that there is much of a need to tell them at this point. Maybe that will change as my CD'ing develops.

[Kate T]

My wife and I have 3 children, 13yr old girl, 7 yr old girl and 4 yrs old boy. They have known / I have dressed around them for probably close to 2 years. We go out with them when I am dressed as a family and also I have gone out with both the girls individually dressed.
The 13 yr old doesn't care. She's not obsessed but doesn't care how I dress when we go out. When her friends ask her who did her hair a certain way or did her makeup for some play or other she thinks it is quite amusing to inform whomever that her dad did it.
The 7 year old thinks it is great fun. She is our Princess. As far as she is concerned it is great, how much fun is it to go dress shopping with your dad when he is wearing a dress / skirt too! And then of course there is dress ups and makeup and bling and oh it never ends!
The 4 yr old couldn't give a toss. He quite happily will have dad paint his fingernails with yellow nail polish (at his request, his favourite colour is yellow) then quite emphatically declare he is NOT a girl. He just loves yellow
We really only have one rule. That is we NEVER contradict / try to cover up with some form of lie if they decide to tell someone / one of their teachers says "i'm sure Daddy wasn't wearing a dress" or similar. To our relatively constant amazement so far none of them has actually said anything to anyone as far as we are aware. The 13 yr old sure, probably has enough nouse to know that it isn't something most people will get, but the 7 and 4 yr old we were sure would have let something slip by now. Personally I suspect they regard it as such a non event and it just doesn't impact on their world so it just doesn't rate a mention.
So the short answer is I advocate not hiding it from children. Because yes I think they are likely to be more tolerant and thoughtful and accepting. If we keep on hiding from the people we love then when will society ever accept us?

[mandm40c]

Thanks Adina, that was well said and it highlights why we are leaning towards being open about cross dressing when it comes to our kids. Heather, it's not just about teaching them acceptance. How can we teach our kids it's ok to be whom ever they turn out to be, while we hide in the closest? We want to be able to lead our kids by example and that means being true to ones self.

[heatherdress]

I believed you intended to keep you crossdressing hidden from friends and neighbors when you said you were "not going to do anything embarrassing when they came over". I thought that meant you are hiding your dressing from others - but not your children. I was not sure what message that would send but I thought it would require your young children to hide your dressing too.

If you intend to be fully out, then I am misinterpreting your words and I am sorry.

But I still think that your young children might experience hurt, and anxiety, no matter how hard you work to train them and support them. Why risk it, especially at such a young age?

I also don't buy the "how can we teach our kids - if we hide in the closet" rationale. Sorry, but there are many things we shelter our children from, especially when they are young, because they do not have the maturity and wisdom and experience to handle them. Do you plan to tell them about your fears, your desires, your failures, disagreements you have with your spouse, mistakes their grandparents made, shortcomings of family and friends, illnesses you might have, worries, money problems, heinous crimes that are committed, the truth about Santa? As a parent, I always tried to set a good example and always tried to place my children's needs first - but that never meant I had to tell them everything. I believed it was often best to shelter them when they were little.

I appreciate all who have told their children as they grew older. There is not one right approach to raising our children. But you also shouldn't diminish those who remain discrete as not being true to one's self or not setting a good example.

I do commend your intent to raise your children to be open-minded and accepting - and hope it works well. Good luck, Mandm. Whatever you decide will be right for you.

[Kate T]

Nup, sorry, gonna disagree Heather

check out this link:

http://occupytheory.org/lgbt-homeless-youth-statistics/

Those stats are the reason I think that we need to educate and show children that LGBT expression is not something to be ashamed of or hide or to make fun of.

Please I don't intend to diminish you as a parent. I have no doubt that you love your children dearly and you do what you believe is best for them. I just think in this case you are wrong. I think the benefits of exposing and educating children about difference and tolerance and understanding far outweigh the possible adverse consequences.

[mandm40c]

I may not have been too clear. I cross dress every day in one way or another. Home - I can be found in a skirt or dress, stockings(pending weather) and heels or flats. Out - Can be found in female jeans and heels. So I do realize I can't speak from the point of view of dressing totally en femme. I won't wear my skirts when my kids friends are over and yes, I do realize it's not living fully open, as I will restrict that part of my dressing. However, we have no plans to advise our kids to keep anything a secret. My friends know I dress and again, I do wear out in front of everyone in some form or another. If they study my clothes long enough, give me a hug or look at my shoes or even listen to the click of my heels, they will know.

While I do agree there will be many things we will not share with our kids, to try and protect them, it just seems wrong to not share something that is part of you. I was born a man that is a cross dresser and that is a part of who I am. I don't want to hide that part of me, it would be like a blonde darkening her hair so people wouldn't think she is some dumb blond.

This is just my opinion, it is not meant to imply my way of thinking is better that anyone else's or diminish any one's self worth. For that, I do apologize to anybody I may have offended in regards to implying they are not setting a good example to their kids or in general. That is not what I was trying to convey.

[heatherdress]

Nup, sorry, gonna disagree Heather

check out this link:

http://occupytheory.org/lgbt-homeless-youth-statistics/

Those stats are the reason I think that we need to educate and show children that LGBT expression is not something to be ashamed of or hide or to make fun of.

Please I don't intend to diminish you as a parent. I have no doubt that you love your children dearly and you do what you believe is best for them. I just think in this case you are wrong. I think the benefits of exposing and educating children about difference and tolerance and understanding far outweigh the possible adverse consequences.

Hi Adina - I don't see what your sad article about homeless LGBT youths has to do with crossdressing openly in front of our young children.

You can educate your children about intolerance and understanding without crossdressing around them and subjecting them to possible unnecessary difficulties at such a young age which is the only concern I have as a parent. I believe there are risks to doing this.

Also, maybe judging and labeling people's beliefs as "wrong" as you are doing to my beliefs is more harmful to teaching our children tolerance and understanding and acceptance. No one should judge as right or wrong our differences of opinions, especially with our different beliefs and environments and backgrounds.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm with the spirit of post 11 from Mechamoose- if you exude confidence in yourself, if you demonstrate no signs of shame, if you are seen by your kids to be natural and yourself at all times, then you are setting them the best possible example, regardless of what clothes you choose to wear.

BUT this requires total acceptance from your SO, and probably from the majority of your friends and family. I suspect that Mechamoose has this, and if so, Mechamoose is a very lucky person! At least you have this from your SO, and that is a fantastic start.

What's sure is that your children's confidence in you (and by extension themselves) will be undermined if you aren't natural, aren't yourself. Would the best thing for their sakes be that you come out to your family and closest friends as quickly as possible, so that everyone has a chance to get used to the idea before your child becomes socially aware?

A risk for you, of course, but wow- think of the dividends- no more secrecy, and those who don't accept that side of you aren't really your friends, are they?

[Kate T]

Hi Adina - I don't see what your sad article about homeless LGBT youths has to do with crossdressing openly in front of our young children.

Because who is it that children look to first as their role models? Their parents, mother and father. And they will see someone who hides who they are and what they feel from those closest to them. If the child does have nonconventional gender identity or sexuality then what does this say to them? That it is something that must be hidden even from family? If the child has a conventional GI or sexuality then the implication is that again, anyone like this should be ashamed and certainly shouldn't display or express these feelings in public. I think this is the origin of the discrimination these young people experience.

I did not intend to judge you Heather. I was perhaps overzealous. It might be more accurate to say that I disagree with your belief / opinion on this matter. It is entirely plausible that I am wrong. The above is one of the principle reasons I feel this way. If we disagree that is fair enough, I respect your right to your opinion. I would never take any action or say anything deliberately to harm you or anyone else.