Did you ever question it?

[Aubrey Skye]

I know I'm really early into my stages of transgenerism/transsexualism and I've gone back and forth from thinking I'm a crossdresser or a transsexual. Right now I'm just utterly confused. I just started with a therapist so hopefully she can sort things out for me. But my question really is, did you ever question being transsexual? How did you truly know? I know a lot of you say it was basically down to transition or die. I was hoping for something along an answer not so drastic. A month ago, I was sure I was a transsexual and now I just really want a girlfriend (as a guy) but still like to dress. I hate my body, especially the hairiness and my nether regions, but I'm not like "dying" to become a woman. I dressed fully about 3 weeks ago and I haven't since. Is that a sign of a crossdresser or just that I'm too stressed and living at home with my nonsupporting parents is causing this? Ugh...I just wish I had all the answers...

[MonicaJean]

TRIGGER ALERT, CAUTION:

all the time hun, 1 month into HRT, not a day goes by where I don’t ask myself “What’s going on here, am I really female inside?” and “Why am I doing this?” and “I can’t really be TS! …or can I?”

Then I remember actually considering suicide a couple months ago when the depression became so unbearable that going on wasn’t possible. Then I remember not hardly sleeping a wink that night, or the next because I knew that I’d have to be honest with myself and the world if I wanted the terrible depression and dysphoria to ever vanish, even if it meant changing gender. Then I remember that day, looking into the bathroom mirror, when I made myself say out loud: “I am a trans gender. I am a trans gender”. I was my own witness. There was no going back. Then I made myself say: “I will now be able to finally lose all my weight which I struggled with for my entire life."

I was right, I’ve been losing weight without any issues. 20lbs so far! I ***KNEW*** burying my TS truth was holding back my permanent weight loss (I’m a good 75lbs over weight still). I ***KNEW*** that admitting I was a TS in that mirror would change everything. But I’m old enough to know that questioning would last for years…as would dealing with other issues…untangling the mess of our lives, one day at a time.

Questioning is good, just remember where you came from and what much larger plans there are for you in life down the road…as a female. Your star is shining ever brighter tonight!

[Emma Beth]

Aubrey, it's not too early to have those questions. I had my epiphany well over a year ago and I have had those WTF moments quite a few times now. In my case I have been married for over 15 years and it hasn't been easy to figure things out for me, especially since I'm in the middle of a move back home in a few hours and my wife and I haven't finished our big talk yet. I'm waiting on her to figure some things out first and we are right at the zero moment for the time limit she gave.

Anyway, I have learned that questioning this is a big part of the whole process of dealing with this. From what I have been able to figure out it helps us to know that we are as normal as we can be with this. Personally I think it is a kind of internal check, to make sure that this is really what we need to do.

All I can tell you is to hang in there and follow your heart. Only you can know what you need to do for your continued well being and listen to your therapist. Your therapist can help you untangle that web inside your head.

Michelle, congratulations! That is an impressive weight loss mile stone. Keep it up and it won't be long before you get to where you want to be.

Love,
Liz

[Nicole Erin]

For living at home with parents - that is never easy at any age. Ultimately though - YOU have to decide how you want to live. Your parents cannot decide that nor can some "therapist". Personally, I feel that so-called therapists are just running a scam.

Besides, transition isn't something you start and finish in a day. Even if you cannot afford or would not want body modifications, there is a social adjustment. Eventually you kind of decide "I need to do this" and you do it or not.

People always talk about how it is better to start young but they tend to forget that when you are young, you don't usually have the money, freedom, or confidence to do this. Yeah younger Ts look more convincing but they too will age just like the rest of the women out there.

So ask yourself, how do you want to live?

[PretzelGirl]

I understand your feelings. From a point about a year ago, I had what I called my "check-up" voice in the back of my head that kept saying "are you really....". It was what I used to talk with my therapist. It didn't take long that I was answering it back immediately with a yes. But it stayed there and now that I think about it, it disappeared right around going full time. Completely forgot about it.

Transition or die is probably the predominant thought process in our community. But it isn't the only one. I am thankfully not prone to depression and I wonder if it drives those thoughts. Someone else would probably have to weigh in one that. I had a good life before. I have a better, more complete life now and it is just beginning. I did the right thing but I didn't have to feel life was over without it to get here. Life just wasn't what it should be.

Take your time and walk it through and be certain. This is something you don't want to waffle on and have doubts. I know some that had never gone out before going full time. I believe that doing it for about 5-6 years was what helped my certainty and eased my transition. Outside of work and some family situations, I had already seen my future.

[Aubrey Skye]

Thank you everyone so far for the posts. It's helped ease my mind for sure on this. Knowing that we all go through the questioning stage and even somewhat still later on made me feel better. I think I'm just really scared and still holding on to a slight part of the male self, not wanting to fully accept myself for who I truly am. Thank you all! This forum means so much to me!

[kimdl93]

Aubrey, sorry, there's no half way here ? If it's not do or die, then transition should not be a serious consideration. In making a life altering decision, the key point is reaching clarity in understanding your needs, wants and aspirations. You are obviously not anywhere near that point. If you're not "like dying to be a woman" and you want a girlfriend as a guy, you have your answer. You are somewhere on the transgender spectrum, but you are not TS.

That's ok. Most CDrs are somewhere else. Most of us want and most have relationships with GGs, families and other conventionally male life activities. And some of us, myself included, do feel closer to the TS end of the spectrum, experience some lets call it discomfort in living a blended existence of male and female, but again, I would say that as long as the tension is bearable, then we are not TS. Some of my very best friends here live that life and manage to maintain that balance quite successfully. Some of my best friends here have opted, as mature adults, to live all or the majority of their lives as women, without HRT or surgeries. And some of my best friends here have lived 60+ years before they finally made the decision that transition was right and necessary for them.

My point here is two fold. 1). You're young, inexperienced and understandably confused by the absence of simple answers to your gender identity. Time, learning and life experience are the solution. Young people should try lifestyles to see what feels right. Your young mind is still maturing, so be suspicious of your judgements, particularly if your allowing yourself to be caught up in fantasies. 2) avoid black and white thinking. Your posts suggest to me that you are viewing the world and your life in terms of black and white, or either or options. Most of life is far less clear cut.

[I Am Paula]

All I can say- If you weren't having WTF moments, then you should be worrying.

[Jorja]

You are about to make a major life changing decision. If you are not questioning every little move you make then there is a problem. Discovering exactly what you need, discovering exactly how far you need to go, and discovering exactly what you can live with are what should be the most important things at this point.

[Angela Campbell]

All I can say is if you can get along with out transition then avoid it at all costs. It doesn't have to be do or die either. It isn't easy or fun, in fact it is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is not without rewards for the right person but it is no day in the park. I wasn't at the do or die stage but knew that I had to do it or I would get to that place. I just had to get over the fear of what might happen if I did.

Was it worth it to me? Yes. Did all the bad things i imagined take place? Not all but a few. Did it turn out like i expected? Hell no. Did I have wtf moments. .....every day.

[Rachel Smith]

I had doubts and WTF moments all along this path. When I started down it I didn't know how far I would go. What I did was take it one step at a time and if that step made me feel better, more whole, more complete, more confident, more congruent whatever you want to call it, I would take another and another........ In the end it took me 2 years and much therapy to fully transition but I am confident it was right for me. By doing it this way I could have stopped anywhere along the path I so desired.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I like what Rachel said...especially from a TS perspective there are lots of WTF moments.

If you are questioning your gender, it can be really hard work.
If you determine that you are transitioning, that is harder work.

Just based on your posts, i would say your best bet is to not worry about it and see what happens..

Just live your life, assume you are who you are. Enjoy having a girlfriend, enjoy dressing, enjoy being a man.

Trust me, life will conspire to let you know if that's gonna work out for you.

[Michelle789]

Hey Aubrey,

I've been through many of the same things myself. I started off thinking I was just a crossdresser, although I always wanted to transition, and I felt like a woman and not a man. Most CDers are men and do not identify as women nor want to be women. That is a huge difference to me. When I seriously started to consider transition two years ago I would go through phases of thinking that one day I am a transsexual, and the next that I am just a crossdresser. These phases would last for two years, and I would go back and forth between thinking I'm a CD or a TS. When I first joined the forum, my first post was Am I a crossdresser or a transsexual?

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...-a-transsexual

I also have always hated my body, beard, and hairy arms, legs, and chest. I really started yearning to be a woman in the last two years - in fact it got to the point where I was praying to God that I would die and be reincarnated as a woman in the very next life and all lifetimes thereafter - although the feelings have always been there all my life - my GD just progressed to a more serious place two years ago.

Stress can definitely make gender issues worse. Even if you are a CDer stress can make the desire to CD stronger. If you are TS stress can push the gender dysphoria to an extreme where you might want to commit suicide or need to transition. That is certainly what happened to me.

If you have Amazon Prime, watch episode 8 of Transparent. The concept of crossdresser vs transsexual is illustrated beautifully. Although I never actually went to a CDer retreat, I could totally identify with the feelings in that episode.

I have one question for you. Do you feel like you are a man who needs to express a feminine side occasionally, or do you feel like a woman, or wish to be a woman? You possibly may be dual gender too.

Btw I still have moments where I question myself? Especially since I wrote my coming out letter to my family. I spoke with my therapist and boyfriend, who is an FTM, and both of them told me this is completely normal. I am feeling this because I am scared of how my family is going to react. You might very well be trying to suppress this to please your family. I am on hormones for almost three months, living full-time as a woman, and I still question myself and have WTF moments. My family lives 3000 miles away so I don't see them except once per year, so I was able to do a lot of transition without being out to them. But I think I am questioning myself because I'm fearing how my family might react and preparing to people please them.

Please promise me one thing. If you do need to transition, please don't wait until it's transition or die? If you one day realize you're definitely trans and need to transition, then let nothing stop you.

[MonicaJean]

I'm coming out to my sister today, I've been asking myself "WTF am I doing?" since I woke up. Finally, that fear kicked in. But, I must temper all those negative fears and self-doubt with a good dose of common sense: she loves me, I love her. Give her time to process it all. That's it.

Just an example of the fears that can overtake our emotions and thoughts if we don't keep them in check with our own experiences and understanding of ourselves.

[Aubrey Skye]

Good luck Michelle! I hope it goes well for you!

[Dianne S]

Ever question it? Only constantly! I cannot believe there's a single transsexual who hasn't had doubts at some stage. Transition is such a huge step that I don't think you can be human unless you question it.

For me, it's not "transition or die". I've never had suicidal thoughts. However, the thought of *not* transitioning depresses me; while I probably could live out the rest of my life as a guy, I don't think I could be happy. And each baby step I make towards transition (growing out my hair, laser on my face, pierced ears, shaving body hair, starting spironolactone) reduces my doubts and fears bit by bit.

Nonsupporting parents is really, really hard. If you can, find yourself an environment where you have space and calmness to yourself and time to sort things out in your head.

[GabbiSophia]

Everyday for me is a new way my brain tries to rationalize this syndrome. No of them ever is actually me giving in a admitting the truth. Fear has a ton to do with this. I think you are not sane if you do not question it. It is such a huge and monstrous desion

[ChrissyW1]

I was right, I’ve been losing weight without any issues. 20lbs so far! I ***KNEW*** burying my TS truth was holding back my permanent weight loss (I’m a good 75lbs over weight still). I ***KNEW*** that admitting I was a TS in that mirror would change everything. But I’m old enough to know that questioning would last for years…as would dealing with other issues…untangling the mess of our lives, one day at a time.

I buried my trans* desires for over 30 years under a pile of excess weight. I came out to my wife about 7 months ago, finally started indulging myself, and bless her, she used it as a motivational technique. 6 months into the incentive program, I'm down about 45 lbs and almost out of the "obsese" BMI range and wearing HER old cast-offs.

But... topic! yeah, even this far in, I've decided I need to go see a counselor as I'm still not absolutely certain what my ultimate desire is...

[KellyJameson]

Did I ever question it? Yes and No

I had to identify what was making me suffer while refusing to accept the answer.

I was never suicidal yet I thought about suicide because I had no reason to live. The idea followed me like a shadow and I would run from it by trying to make myself happy but I could not find happiness even though from all appearances I had no reason to be unhappy. I had everything that others wanted for themselves that is usually defined as being able to live a good and prosperous life yet I did not value these things at all.

It was like I was locked out of feeling fulfilled. Some deep need and longing that I could not articulate but sensed. I call it an emptiness or feeling hollow. My insides were missing and everything was superficial.

Looking back on it the pull toward my actual gender identity was always there but I refused to give into it and fought it.

I always wanted to be seen as a woman because I knew I was one even when I did not from closing my mind to the awareness. I was afraid of what would happen if I made it real yet I kept doing things to make it real so it was like having two people inside me with opposite agendas.

I was pulled in two different directions at once. Being and creating the me that I knew I was and refusing to because I feared the consequences of what could/would happen if I did.

Gender dysphoria torments you and won't leave you alone.

In the end the only thing that slowed me down was my fears which clouded my mind leaving me not seeing things clearly "because I did not want to"

I had to be emotionally ready to accept my identity before I could see it.

You pay a very high price to transition and it is not only the money I refer to.

You transition to save yourself but by doing so you risk destroying yourself. It is a life or death process.

I cannot exactly call it a decision to transition as much as I relented into it and was carried by the need to.

I'm a rather cowardly person and hate hospitals from traumatic experiences the first three years of my life plus I'm extremely private along with being fearful and somewhat paranoid about the dangers of using hormones and a zillion other things related to becoming, being and living as a woman so I made a very poor candidate for transitioning.

Others were happy and excited but I was to worried about what could go wrong so it was messy emotionally for me and anyone who had to deal with me.

My fears made me fight against myself so I searched for ways to control it but in the end it just wears you down.

This wearing down is the closes I could say I came to being suicidal but really it was reaching a point where I stopped caring about what could go wrong because I was'nt really alive or living anyway.

I could not live with that hollow feeling any longer.

I questioned it in such a way that I hoped it would go away. I questioned it looking for a "cure" that did not mean becoming a woman by transitioning. I did not want to be a woman, it was forced onto me.

I questioned it hoping to prove myself wrong as to what my mind believed. I fought against myself.

I tried to kill my gender identity but in the end doing so was killing me, so I relented.

The hollowness is gone and so far I have survived so I can say now it was worth it, but I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy.

[sandra-leigh]

Aubrey, sorry, there's no half way here ? If it's not do or die, then transition should not be a serious consideration. In making a life altering decision, the key point is reaching clarity in understanding your needs, wants and aspirations. You are obviously not anywhere near that point. If you're not "like dying to be a woman" and you want a girlfriend as a guy, you have your answer. You are somewhere on the transgender spectrum, but you are not TS.

How far along the transgender spectrum do you need to be before transition should be a serious consideration?

I have drug-resistant Major Depressive Disorder. Some medications help me cope better, some do nothing for me, some make me worse. The "best" so far is still not competent enough to get a job. So we try a medication regime for a time. And then we tweak it, and try that for a time, and then we alter that. And so on. Sometimes I go through hopeless periods; there have been a couple of days that I felt literally just minutes away from asking to be taken to the psychiatric ward. But I put one minute in front of the other, spend a lot of time sleeping, and hoping that "tomorrow" my head might stop spinning, that "maybe next month" I will feel up to vacuuming the hallway. Minute seeps into years, and I just keep surviving. I've had this for nearly 12 years now. A few years ago with my situations at the time, the question from doctors and therapists wasn't why I felt bad: the question was why I wasn't worse, what was keeping me semi-functioning while living with four major stresses each one of which was enough to trigger depression in a fair number of people. I am coping less well these days. But "Days go by. And they just keep going by, endlessly into the future."

My officially diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder doesn't have me "handing in the towel", it has me crawling back to bed. And living off my savings (and my "severe poverty level" disability payments.) Maybe next year I'll get outside long enough to get a suntan; maybe the year after.

Likewise, not transitioning for my gender dysphoria would not be activating the "or die" forced choice. I can live, minute to minute, going back to bed, safe in my house, unable to work or socialize.

What do you advise people, that if they can struggle on from moment to moment, that they should not transition? That if they haven't prepared a suicide plan then they should stay as they are because they don't really need to transition?

I am going back to bed now.

[docrobbysherry]

Aubrey, I'm sorry to tell u this. But, what u r experiencing is normal for EVERYONE your age. And, most people have no gender or orientatiuon issues!

I haven't met one 23 y/o that knew who they were or what they really wanted to do with their life. Whatever u think is so important now will change. Maybe in just a few years?

Enjoy the ride and stop trying to guess the ending!

I'm 70 and started dressing 17 years ago. I didn't know trans or gay from peanut butter back then. Because I had never even thot of those things for 50+ years. But, I suddenly thot I wanted real breasts and maybe SRS. And, fantasized about being with men. I was very confused but not in a hurry to rush into anything too crazy.

I soon found out I hadn't turned gay. And, my fantasies of becoming a female finally evaporated. It took about 12 to find out I'm a straight CD.

Take your time. Relax and see how u feel after you've experienced more of life. Don't be in a hurry to jump down the rabbit hole!

[MarieTS]

- undoubtedly we all wodered at one time or anothter. :However, as with love, you just know :-)