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Thread: What do I do?

  1. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by NicoleScott View Post
    Before you go to joint counseling, agree on the objective. My first wife and I didn't, and it turned out to be a waste of time and money. Here's why: she went with the expectation that I could be "cured", and I went with the expectation of getting her acceptance. Both of us, it seems, were relying on the counselors (husband and wife team) to side with each of us and convincing the other that "I'm right, you're wrong". We divorced.
    Sometimes a good divorce is better than a bad marriage.
    I absolutely agree here. Jenna, it sounds like your wife has some serious preconceptions of what crossdressing is, and the problem with a lot of people who have already "made up their minds" is that it's almost impossible to get them to change - even a little. Some people grow up with the socialization that crossdressing is evil, and you can argue until you're blue in the face and present all the facts you want ("I have broken NO laws") and it won't make a bit of difference to people who are prejudiced.

    This won't end well for you and your wife, because you must know by now (all the purges, yes I did that too) that you cannot change - this is a part of you, and you can go on trying to deny it like we see others on this site do from time to time, or you can accept that is is a part of you and embrace it. I also tried denying it for a couple of years, it almost destroyed me.

    You're going to hate yourself if you keep denying who you really are, she's going to hate you for doing it.

    The difference is YOU are the one person you cannot get away from.

    So will you continue to hurt yourself? That's what it will come down to. I'm not going to try to sugar coat it one bit either.

    Break away quickly. It is much kinder than drawing this out.

    ~Melissa
    ~Linebacker Melissa

  2. #52
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Hi Jenna, I have a different suggestion for you to consider.

    Your wife is demanding very loudly that you act like a man. By hiding the real you, sneaking around late at night, feeling guilty, and acting like you're in the wrong when she 'catches' you, you are reinforcing your lack of manliness to her, as well as making yourself feel bad.

    Perhaps attack is the best form of defence? She sounds like a simple, old fashioned gal, so perhaps you should act like a simple old fashioned guy, who happens to like dressing as a woman from time to time. Wait for an opportunity when you can be certain you won't be interrupted by the kids- in fact if it's possible, take her away for a night to a nice little hotel somewhere beautiful. Be confident, be loving, be romantic- but be every inch a man. Take her out into nature, somewhere private; a big park, a lake, sit her down, then still in man-mode, tell her something like this- and don't let her talk over you- if necessary, beat your chest and roar; she wants strong- give her strong:

    "Honey, I've brought you here not only because I love you very, very much and we haven't had a break like this in way too long- but because you need to understand that by denying me something which is important to me, by calling me names and by forcing me to choose between what I feel in here (thumps chest dramatically) and the woman I love with all my heart, you're making my life impossible. No, don't interrupt, I haven't finished. Maybe you think I'm weird for what I do, maybe you're afraid I'm gonna change beyond recognition, maybe you think I'm a closet fag, maybe you're afraid I'm going to stop loving you- but none of those things are true, none of those things are going to happen. I'm with you, as I've always been with you, because I love you- nothing is going to change that. But from now on, no more hiding, no more guilt, no more sneaking around hoping for a few minutes to myself without being judged, juried, and treated like a criminal. If you can't accept this side of me- fair enough- you don't have to see it, I've never tried to make you see it, but you go out of your way to see it- to put me down, to insult me. But this is who I am- all I'm asking is that you ease up, cut me a little slack, accept that I can wear a skirt once in a while without it meaning I'm Hannibal Lecter. (Willy Nelson ringtone...) Don't even think about answering that! Now here's what I want, and here's what I'm willing to give. I want the freedom to spend a little time to myself once a week- a few hours is enough- I want you to quit the name-calling, the guilt tactics, the 'poor me' crap. If you don't like me wearing a skirt, that's your choice, but this is how I am, this is how I'm going to stay, and right now you're acting like someone who wants out of our marriage. Wait- now this is what I'm willing to give. Number one- my love. I love you (Patricia/Lucy/Brunhilde), as much now as I did 20 years ago. I've loved you since our 1st date, since our first kiss, and frankly right now I want to rip your clothes off and make love to you- I want to keep loving you, and I want to stay with you until one of us is carted off to the morgue. I give you my word, on everything I hold sacred, that my crossdressing does not, has not and will not, ever, involve being unfaithful to you or our family. You are more precious to me than I can say, and yes- this is not what you signed up for, I know- but if I mean anything at all to you still, if you can accept even a little that there's a side of me that seems strange, unexpected, then I'm here for you as I've always been here for you; heart, body and soul. OK, your turn...."

    This is her chance. If she uses it to say she wants a divorce, then there was never any hope in the first place and you've both been living a lie, both been avoiding the inevitable. And you'd better be prepared to follow through with the physical stuff and give her an afternoon of wild sex, or you're not going to pull this off, no sirree.

    My heart goes out to you- good luck Jenna, whatever you decide, but it's definitely decision time.

    Nikki
    Last edited by Katey888; 10-29-2014 at 05:52 PM. Reason: Please check rules on expletives and sexual content before you post again ... :)

  3. #53
    Aspiring Member MelanieAnne's Avatar
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    I could be wrong, but I think judging by your post, if it wasn't CDing, it would be something else. Your wife has some serious control issues.

  4. #54
    Happy to be me JennaDesire's Avatar
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    Update... My wife has told me tonight she wants a divorce. I guess there is no more questions... it is over. I never felt this lost. Not sure how this will play out. I have to figure out where to go as I cannot stay home anymore. Thanks everybody for the support and help. You have no idea how comforting it is.
    .

  5. #55
    Senior Member MsVal's Avatar
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    If you are doing nothing wrong but your wife cannot tolerate living with you then it seems reasonable that she should leave the house, not you.

  6. #56
    Aspiring Member MelanieAnne's Avatar
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    Why can't you stay home? My wife said "I'm not happy. I think you should leave". I said "This is my house. I'm not going anywhere. Let's try and work things out"! A couple weeks later, she said she just had to be free, and moved out, to live with her pot smoking boyfriend from work. My kids stayed with me, and I wound up with the kids, the house, and the dog. I've never understood why the guy always moves out. If it's your house, stay there till the divorce is final! If you move out, then you are the one who deserted her, and it will work against you.
    Divorce is always stressful and traumatic. But you will get over it, and be free to do with your life as you wish. And now you need to shift into self protection mode.
    Last edited by MelanieAnne; 10-30-2014 at 10:56 PM.

  7. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by MelanieAnne View Post
    Why can't you stay home? My wife said "I'm not happy. I think you should leave".
    Exactly. It's your house, you stay put. If she doesn't like being there with you, she needs to figure something out, not you. You're in an abusive relationship with someone who has a view of gender roles that is appropriate for 1960.

    Edit: Maybe she's waiting for you to stand up to her. That might be all the reassurance she needs.

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