I hate this feeling...

[Xrys]

I guess it has always been there, but it has been getting stronger more recently. It is almost a constant anymore, and I hate feeling this way about other people, but I just can't seem to shake it, and that feeling is always acompanied by a certain amount of guilt because I know I shouldn't feel this way. I just don't know how to deal with all this... jealousy.

I can't stand feeling jealous of someone, I hate feeling that way towards anyone, but it just always keeps cree ping into me. It is the reason I haven't been on the forums for a while.

I am still trying to get my finances sorted so when I transition I can actually enjoy my life, but having dropped out of college and racked up a sizable debt from a failed Internet business, I am doing good just to pay my bills. How in the blue hell am I supposed to pay for transition?

Then I read about how everyone else is progressing and adapting, and I want to be happy for them, and part of me is, but the other part is so jealous, and I can't stand that part of me. It says, how come they get to be happy, while I am stuck on this treadmill of doom? How come they get to per sue happy Ness while I am stuck in this cage of dollar bills and debt collectors? I know that is not the case, and they are having plentry of obstacles of their own, but that part of me always sees the grass greener in someone else's pasture. I don't want to be jealous, I don't want to feel this way about other people, but I do, and I just can't seem to shake it.

[KellyJameson]

You have an advantage concerning your jealousy because you at least admit to yourself and to others (which is often the harder part), that you are.

Jealousy is a human emotion everyone shares. The challenge is to not be defeated by it or allow it to be destructive in your life or in the lives of others.

Transitioning takes years and in some ways you never stop because it is a process of "undoing and recreating"

You are building a life that goes beyond just the physical body.

It touches your career and friendships. It touches your sexuality and intellectual development.

There will not be one corner of your life that is not affected.

Gender dysphoria can have a toxic affect on your life and many transexuals live on the fringes of society.

It can impoverish you. In my opinion a transexual must push themselves harder than others to overcome the handicap they are born into and I consider this part of the transitioning "out of the circumstances of birth"

There is much that can be done while acquiring the money for physical transition.

[Xrys]

thanks Kelly,

I know it is a long hard road we all travel. I want to make sure i set the right foundation before I move forward with this so I can enjoy my new life and not be in debt to my eyeballs like i am now. I know it takes time, and sometimes it is hard being patient, especially when i read stories on the internet about how much some people have spent on surgeries and stuff (not like just the regular ones but like the ones who have spent half a million on tons of surgeries to look ridiculous) and i cant help but wonder just how on earth they got that much money in the first place. But i am doing better, and i can look back and see progress.

On a brighter note, i finally was able to get a job interview to get back into a tech support job, and it pays 5/hr more than i make now with full time, full benefits, and weekends off. I am really excited, and with open enrollment coming up soon, i can switch plans and start therapy at the beginning of the year. I feel like i have finally gotten off this treadmill and have started actually moving forward.

I have also been looking at some past threads and am trying to figure out when the best time to mention my plans to transition to my employer would be. My first instinct is to get it out in the open from the begining so there are no surprises later. However another part of me is thinking it really isn't any of their business until i am ready to go full time, and since it will still be a little while before i can even start therapy, and wanting to get a few other things done prior to full time like facial hair removal, i am thinking it is better to wait and get a good track record with the company and be ready to go full time before i bring it up.

[Rachel Smith]

Secure the job first!!!!!! You are at least a year, most likely more so I would say nothing.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I feel you!

There is always something to be jealous about. It's an unpleasant feeling but being aware of it the way you are and admitting your feelings is a hugely positive thing as Kelly points out.

I am jealous of your youth and the possibilities of your life compared to transitioning at close to 50years old.
You are jealous that I had the money to do it..

I bet by the time you are 50 you will have decades of living as your true self under belt and more than likely the money to enjoy it!!

[PretzelGirl]

I think there are pluses to many of our situations. We just can't see what was good for ourselves because we see what we are missing in others.

I would wait quite a while before telling your employer as things change. No need to get them moving in a direction and then you have to hold them off. Also, as said, it doesn't hurt to have good time under your belt. I had 10 years of good work and relationship building and I think that is part of the acceptance equation. How much time you give them may vary a little depending on the company and if the HR is co-located, but roughly a month seems fine to me on average.

[Xrys]

Well, I didn't get the job. Guess it is back to aplications.

[Rianna Humble]

Sorry to read about the set-back , I think you are taking a sensible approach to the whole question and I agree with the advice not to tell a possible employer until they need to know.

[Rachel Smith]

Sorry to hear that

[Promethea]

Hun, we all have some feelings that may not seem very positive sometimes, don't beat yourself for it. Instead try to recognize those feelings, taking what is positive about them, giving them a hug and letting them go.

In this case, the positive aspect of that jealousy may be that it's not letting you get distracted from where you want to be. Use it to lay out a plan!

Oh, and I agree with the others, don't tell a potential employer until your job is safe, they're not interested in people they know will have to take planned medical leaves.

And you know what? Despite that I'm 24/7, you are still in a better position than me, because I have no way of getting enough money for srs in the foreseeable future. At least you know you will be able to do it after you pay off that debt, it's only time! So come on, point your finger at me and laugh like Nelson, I don't mind :P

[MarieTS]

Dear Xyrs, just know that from time to time most of us experience what you feel now and can relate to your concerns. Hang in there, We are all in this together. Just be glad you have your sorority of forum sisters to commiserate and share with.
Hugs!
Marie

[Xrys]

I want to thank you all for the support. I am thankful for you all, and for the fact that while I do not like my current job, I still have one, and while working as a security guard on construction sites is not exactly the ideal job for transitioning, it gives me plenty of time for research, and planning, and lots of exercise. I think sometimes I spend do much time trying to change my situation I forget to take advantage of the perks the one I am in offer. There will be other opportunities to improve my situation, but while I wait for those opportunities, I will make the most of what I have at the moment. Thanks again for your support.

To a better future for us all, no matter how long it takes,

Xrys