I was out and then it dragged me back

[Sarah Louise]

I've recently come back to dressing after a few years. One thing I've noticed is it's perhaps not as hard as say 20 years ago.

1. I can now buy girl clothes online instead of the embarrassment of buying in public.
2.When I go online I can go incognito so no other internet users can see what I'm up to.
3.I can pick up my online order for girl clothes from a local store in plain packaging rather than worry about other members of my family intercepting my delivery.
4. My credit card statement can only be viewed online by me as I choose not to receive paper statements in the mail.
5. I can access a wealth of information about cross dressing from sites like this one.

Now I'm not saying it's necessarily easy, but maybe if I couldn't have access to modern advantages like above, then maybe I would still be repressing my urges to cross dress.

[Janine cd]

I've never had the urge to dress go away. I suppressed it for a short time after marrying but the urge was still there.

[Allisa]

The urge never really went away but in my 20's until my30's I was following a different urge men have and being femme was for the girls I was engaging. Then in the 90's I found myself making big bucks and being single with little commitments I needed something to do soooo,the fog took over and I embraced it totally then came the questioning and I was back in denial for awhile but then my 50's hit and I embraced my femme again and now I'm loving it and not going back anytime soon. I guess as it has been said "T" levels may be to blame and I know I'm a man and now want to enjoy my femme self attitude.

[Christen]

I don't think the urge has ever disappeared (so you're not alone Ressie, and I doubt that we're in the minority here...) but it was never strong enough to get in the way of other 'life' stuff that was ultimately more important and absorbing. The nature of how we have been stigmatised in the past by society has a part to play for me in suppressing the desire, and more lately the fact that I have less to lose if outed (career, family impact, etc.) has opened the opportunity more. A better understanding of where this urge comes from has helped me come to more self-acceptance too: "I'm not a pervert after all! Yaaaay!!! (Well, not in this way at least... )

Katey x

Katey pretty much did my answer for me, thanks luv!
But I do have an analogy. Get a big bottle of coke and stand in the sun for years gently shaking it. Everything is fine for oh, so long but eventually the pressure gets to a certain point, and the cap weakens from the sun. And then Bang! it all comes flooding out.
So I think we just get sick and tired of denying ourselves this expression of a weird, but valid part of us.
And frankly I just don't want to right through my life without another living soul seeing the other me, or nor having been able to interact in person with others who deal with this little dilemma.

Christen x

[Michaelasfun]

I didn't get fully into it til after I had passed 50 a couple years ago, then it hit with a vengeance..kind of made it possible to redo myself completely which was exciting...

[LelaK]

I've always been single and usually always had opportunity to dress in my room, which I probably did a few days a month on average. I always wore panties, instead of men's underwear. I only had one or two skirts or dresses most of the time. But last year I got several more. But I'm still in limbo now, looking for an affordable room in this state. If I get settled down, I'll be free to dress again and feel better doing so.

To answer Tinkerbell, for me it's not being seen dressed that's important. It's being able to be comfortable dressed in the presence of others who are tolerant or understanding. Being in drab isn't as comfortable as being dressed and it's fun to be comfortably dressed and respected around others.

[Miss Interpretation]

I think it has a lot to do with experience and aging. At some point, you have accomplished most of what you have wanted and no longer care what society thinks about you. You decide to pursue what you've always wanted and now have the confidence and means to do it!

[Donnagirl]

I'm just curious why it moves from private dressing to public. What is it about middle age that has you wanting to 'be seen'?

Tink,

Speaking for myself only, dressing in public satisfies my need for that adrenalin rush, to enjoy the unexpected happiness I get from being out from what feels like a lifetime behind the bedroom door. In a way it's a big FU to conformity, to society. I'm doing what I want, what strangely feels right...

I reckon the buzz will eventually fade, but for now I can't seem to get enough! (Even though I would rather get this legal buzz some other way!!!)

Cheers,

Donna

[Gardener]

I am not wholly true that the description of the trait disappearing is accurate. I seem to remember a huge fascination in childhood focussed on my Mum's clothes. I am sure that initially it was quite innocent and based around dressing up games. However it impacted on me. Whether because of or as well as, I am unsure, but throughout adolescence and beyond I was affected by gender anxiety thoughts. I do not think any of this went away but it was buried as deeply as I could by work and all those responsibilities. It never went away. The burying was conscious no doubt. I know I felt I was doing bad things and it had to be hidden. Later in life a new direction took off and over a long time I learned to be kinder to myself and also that what I had buried was not bad, but the burial had left something toxic inside me. I told my wife, it did not go down well, but we survived. In my own low level way I can freely express that feminine part of myself. Probably not as much as I would like but that is my choice. What I would hope for my children and grandchildren is that they feel less pressured by societal attitudes so that they can express themselves without the fears I felt when I was building myself professionally and consequently allowed these unexpressed feelings to fester inside me.

[Amanda L.]

First of all thank you girls for contributing to this thread. Your comments and shared experiences illustrate what a great community we are.
Interesting to note the general agreeance that the urge never really goes away but while not being active is simmering below the surface. I can relate to this. Though seemingly "cured" of this childhood affliction every now and then something would spark a gentle reminder that there was something below the surface. But it does resurrect itself and almost everyone agrees it comes back stronger and longer and the guilt we may have once felt diminishes in an almost inverse proportion.
The internet has definitely made it easier for us to maintain anonymity and hide the anxiety of face to face purchase.
Then there's the hormone debate which may support the mid-life crisis/late bloomer situation but also coincides with greater free time (?), greater disposable income now the kids are off the hands and the fact that as we get older, what we may have held true by societal convention, we just don't give a flying fornication about now.
So what is it that also fuels our desire to get out into the public? Speaking from recent experiences getting out and about is a massive rush and is something that I long to do again. But how is it I (and I am sure many others) have moved away from being satisfied to sit in the safety of our homes and potentially put ourselves at risk? Have we done so much in our earlier years to drive our desire for excitement that this is the new 'Mt. Everest' or is it that we don't give a bugger what people think. I don't know and will leave this thought alone. Perhaps a topic for another thread.
One thing I have gleaned though is this thing we do isn't going away. We are in for the long haul. It is at the Core of who we are.
Do I wish there was a cure and would I take it?
No
There's nothing wrong with me.
Love to you all
Amanda

[Beverley Sims]

It subsides because of other interests in our lives that take on a more major role.

[Tina_gm]

It subsides because of other interests in our lives that take on a more major role.

That is likely a good reason. On any given moment, if we are at work, or with family or whatever, and there is no Cding involved of any kind, and we are busy with whatever we are busy with, it typically (at least for me) is not a driving thought. Not that it never crosses my mind during those times..... But say in your 20's and 30's, raising a family, moving up in jobs, buying homes and or re locating,, they take up a lot of time and energy, and are ultimately more important than how we are dressed.

As for me, the true desire never really waned. I could and did learn how to try real hard to repress it, deny it. Sometimes I could purge the desires and feminiity for many weeks, but it would in some way always return.

I truly do not know the exact reason for the point in which I felt I HAD to tell my wife. I know I felt I had to. My acceptance of myself was beginning to grow. Perhaps (a therapist suggested this) was a point of self healing from all of the internal conflict over the years. Rather than being at war with myself, I was coming to a point where I could like all of me, not just some of me.