A number of recent threads have touched on the topic of the differences in the psychological experience pre versus post hormones, wondering about obsession in one case, the continuation of GD in another. The pattern is early relief, followed by renewed psychological pressure. FWIW, the following is adapted from a note I sent to someone recently.
Superficially, the mental and emotional state before and after starting hormones may seem the same in several respects. After all, the inner dialogue continues to run. Depression may still rear its head. And even if you are not feeling driven by things like dressing, new "compulsions" seemingly take their place.
But it is not the same. The difference is that the inner drive and behavior turns to self actualization. It's useful to compare it to adolescence. People like to focus on aspects of awkwardness, emotional turmoil, and things like that. From another perspective, it is about the inborn drive to become – or fulfill – what you are. A boy struggles and fights to become a man, a girl a woman. The experience for many is excruciating, not just because of hormonal change, but because they are constantly fighting the change from what they were to what they must be. Such a teenager wants to have everything both ways. The security of childhood life. Support entitlement. The freedom of adulthood. The freedom to choose at will whether to play and ignore serious things or to buckle down. All the while, everything in life, internal as well as external, conspires to press them them down the path to adulthood.
What happens when a teen ignores the promptings of responsibility and mature relationships, the relentess pressure to adapt and change? Forget social consequences. What happens inside? When this happens because of clinging to childhood attitudes, roles and relationships, the result is rebellion and psychological fallout, including avoidance, brooding, and depression. Sound familiar?
For most of us, things converge to a happy ending as we gain enough experience under our new physicality and psychological state. It's useful to remember that it is impossible for anyone to suddenly become an adult. The process itself is essential. And so it is with gaining experience to a person transitioning. "The path" is analogous to the growth process. Ignore the path, neglect it, or step off it and pay the consequences. Stay on it sufficiently (as measured by the consequences or lack thereof) and you feel normal. This is one of the things that distinguishes this experience from adolescence, at least for a late transitioner. At least you have a clue what normal is like!
None of this means that you are somehow going to be instantly aware of the differences between normal development and obsession, of course. I became aware that normal development was in play when certain psychological patterns suddenly disappeared. I was thinking and reacting very differently and didn't know why. That is, until it dawned on me one day that I was making decisions in my best interests unthinkingly ... i.e., what the majority of population manages to do all the time, but which was completely foreign to me. Not only no obsessing over what to do, but no conscious thought about it. And when I DID think about it, the decision merely seemed obvious.
Sometimes I comment that the path is self-correcting. It validates those who need to stay on it. It disincents those who should not be on it from continuing. If you feel the need to press on, then press on. You will know when or if to stop. Don't try to predict the end point. Don't make promises you cannot keep. Continue to see what works and what does not. It is about that simple.
And, to another frequent topic of late, don't replace pre-hormones obsessions with new ones about day-to-day obserations about hormonal change!
Originally Posted by LeaP
