When does it start getting better?

[becky77]

I feel like I have had enough, on the outside my transition is going well most people are good with me and I've not had any bad moments when out, only misgendered by those close to me.
But I the happiness that was growing from being myself is dwindling fast, I don't know if I'm strong enough to continue being different all the time.
I saw the wedding photographers pictures the other day, I was in just one pretty much edited out which really hurts. The one I am in is just,because I happen to be dancing behind the bride. I look dreadful, not as in look as in blokey. Added onto that we had a Halloween party and every picture is awful, I'm realising that these pictures are how people see me and I hate it. I just can't get past the feeling like a freak, my whole life I just wanted to be normal, nothing special I don't think I can cope with being different, its just not me.
I have no doubt I'm a woman and that I should live my life as a woman. I'm full of doubts that I can't live as a woman. I feel broken and empty and unrepairable, I know I shouldn't mention this but I have thoughts of ending the pain and they are getting more serious, I have started planning it, where, how and who to tell to find me. I would normally be alarmed at these thoughts but right now I feel detached, I'm just so very tired all the time, mentally.
What is my future? Forever feeling inferior? Always being different? Having to delude myself that I fit in?
I will keep enduring but for what quality of life, I read about people having a much worse time than me, but that just makes me feel guilty, guilt is another emotion that sits heavy on me.
I'm sure I will be ok, I just needed to say how I'm feeling.

[Aprilrain]

For me transition has largely been achieved through changing my body with surgery. It sound superficial, even to me but that's what it is and that's what it took...for me. I don't know what I would have done if I wouldn't have been able to afford it all, I don't think I'd be in a very good place mentally.even with all the changes there are still things about my body that I don't like and I just have to accept them.
It's been a long difficult and expensive road.

[GabbiSophia]

I hear you on that becky. I am stuck even before stepping out. The mental mush is taxing on the spirit for sure. I hope things get better for you.

[Angela Campbell]

It is strange what works. You will discover what does for you. I had facial surgery, took hormones for a year, learned how to change my voice, worked out which clothes would work best, but the things that did it for me was something that was not related to looks. It was, surprisingly, getting my documentation changed. Especially the gender on my birth certificate.

Almost like a feeling that yes I am a girl, my birth certificate says so. Nutty but that did it for me.

It has been a hard road, but I am overall pretty comfortable with my life now. I still get the"feeling like a freak" every once in a while but not often.

[Emma Beth]

I can understand how you feel, Becky.

However; I had a look at your profile pic, and you look beautiful. I wish I could feel as beautiful as you look.

Try to keep in mind, how you see yourself is not how others will see you. Everyone sees the world through different eyes and they view things differently as a result.

If it will help you out of your dark place, here's a warm hug. I will be thinking about you and hoping you feel better soon.

Love and Hugs,
Liz

[kimdl93]

Hi Becky. I've been through deep depression...related, but not identical origins...and I can relate to the feelings of despair, the planning. I came very close to the edge. Fortunately, I didn't have the energy to follow through. I worked really hard in therapy, not to gain happy thoughts, but to learn to accept and deal with my life situation. That is the key...accepting that none of us is exactly who, what or where we want to be at this moment, but as April and Angela illustrate, there are steps you can take, and by taking control you'll relieve the depressive mood while moving ever closer to where you want to be.

[PretzelGirl]

We keep commenting on how great you look, so this does tell us something. You have to be comfortable with yourself. So are you wishing to have FFS? Or will the passage of time while on HRT provide you with enough changes to be happy? Following Angela's train of thought, I had a boost at the name change and then again at the first day of work. But that is how I am wired in that I don't like waiting for something but when I am at the moment in time, good or bad, I can then take care of it. So have you figured out how you are "wired"? If you aren't still in therapy, it might be a good thing to start up again so that you can work through you thoughts. Like you say, things are going well, so it is about exploring your thoughts so you can determine how to move forward.

[Janice Ashton]

Hi Becky

I understand how you feel as I am also finding it hard to move forward as Janice but I have been given some advice which is starting to make a difference for me and it is rather simple really. Who am I? if you feel you don't look good in the photo's you see of yourself does it really matter? We can change our facial feature through surgery, we can take HRT which again helps with changes, we can have the operation to remove bodily male parts, we can change our name and so on and on. But all of this may help us look (as we think) better but the real question for me is how do I feel inside? Most of us know those gender feelings we have had for so many years biting away at us? For me it's about how I am with myself more so than how I look. Yes it's wonderful to look fabulous but it is only the outside, I am sure an awful lot of people that look good on the outside are like us? But do they feel like that on the inside. So being at one with yourself first and changing the outside second may be the way forward. Concetrating from within to the out may help in what you are seeking. I am finding this helps me, I Hope it may help you?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

"it" getting better is going to be mostly up to you..

looking backwards I am surprised in my own transition how little has changed...(not true for everybody)..

I did a lot of what april said...I spent my money on ffs and it was the best decision I made in my transition...if I had to choose ffs or srs, I would have picked ffs...I wanted to appear to others as a woman and I accomplished that..
and becky you have a habit of thinking you are not looking good when in fact you are looking very attractive...my daughter does the same stuff...she looks at an adorable picture and its "ugghhhh I'm so disgusting..."..anyway..

although i'm sure my own transition is unique like all of them, I do think what is the same for successful transitioners is that all the terrible buzzing and self talk goes away...its obliterated... I look at myself and I don't have any feelings other than "normalcy"...the quiet disgust and acceptance of my male body is no longer something I must endure.....the feeling of looking at other women with a pathetic impossible longing to "be them" is gone... the non stop buzzing and obsessive thoughts that filled my brain are gone...I wake up to coffee and my dog

to me IF NOTHING ELSE GOT BETTER, that is enough... I urge people to consider that if you want to be happy and transition, you must accept that maybe nothing else will happen outside of eliminating gender dysphoria and all its trappings...

I feel inferior to other women sometimes...as far as I can tell lots of women feel this way... I feel guilty about transition, as far as I can tell lots of people feel guilty about all kinds of things....on and on it goes...

this is not to say things don't or won't get lots and lots better... they did for me...and even 5 years in things are happening that will hopefully improve my quality of life as a woman...but if they don't , then like ANY OTHER WOMAN, I will hopefully deal with things and move on..

[docrobbysherry]

Becky, I think u r wrong! U r assuming things about what others think of u. In my experience, if u truly want to know what others think, u must ask them! If u do? I think you'll be surprised by their answers. I always am.

However, u seem to be caught up in a negative spiral. That is unhealthy and dangerous. U should seek out an experienced gender therapist immediately. U may have no idea of the options available to help u feel better about yourself. But, a good therapist will after he/she learns what is bothering u.

Please do not feel things r hopeless and that you're stuck. They're NOT and you're NOT! It just feels that way sometimes.

[Megan Thomas]

Becky, from one Essex lass to another, have you considered you're not photogenic? Not everyone is, I'm certainly not which is why I opted to stay behind the camera rather than in front of it. There are some people for whom the camera is a positive curse because it truly can distort the appearance. The real gauge of how people see you is out and about in public. Misgendering by those close to us also happens. I have a very good friend who always calls me by my name but often refers to me in the masculine to others. It's unintentional and I let it go.

Thoughts of suicide are more serious and also a path I have trodden - further than I care to admit to. It solves nothing and leaves unimaginable pain behind if successful. Situational depression is easier to resolve and it sounds like in your case it is the situation which torments you. I can only suggest you speak to a medical practitioner in this respect and perhaps gain some comfort that as your situation develops it's likely to improve.

Transition is a fluid state. I'm at the end of mine yet I feel in many ways I am still learning, still transitioning. It gets easier the longer we undergo it. I've always told people ironically in order to lose your balls you have to grow a pair and become resilient to the negativity we will either endure or inflict upon ourselves. Stay with the programme and discount thoughts of other people's transition. Everyone's journey is unique. Wobbles are inevitable.

[Dianne S]

Becky, if you seriously contemplate suicide, get help right away. Suicide is a permanent "solution" to a temporary problem and it's not a decision you can undo.

Many (most?) women have body image issues. Congratulations! You're a woman and you have body image issues. Don't be hard on yourself. You've made a decision to live authentically and you can celebrate the fact that you have the courage to do it.

[Chari]

Many of us become dissatisfied Becky, with our face, form, or where we are in life, but it is IMO up to the individual to find what is acceptable and how to change those things we find offensive. Consider making a plan of attack - one issue at a time, and find some one or service to put a positive change to that issue. You may not see yourself as attractive, but with a professional makeup artist, the results will be fantastic! Take a look at your fashions and what is "fashionable" today. Adding or subtracting an item can/does change the appearance too. The most difficult part may be to accept yourself as a special unique individual that is different from all others! Enjoy.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Becky... There's not much I can add or provide in the way of guidance. But just know that you are one of a number of girls here that represent a guide to me and my path forward. I know that transition is not a red carpet and that there are many hurdles and challenges. You've done so well. You look great. You have what I can only believe is a good support structure around you including your family. I know we all hit points where we question our choices but don't let a few events cloud your bigger goals and if you feel the need for help reach out you are not alone.

all my best... Jennifer.

[Jorja]

But I the happiness that was growing from being myself is dwindling fast, I don't know if I'm strong enough to continue being different all the time.

Then don't be different all the time. Just be yourself! Just be Becky and let the chips fall where they may. As mentioned, create a plan for your future and execute it. If you see yourself as unattractive find an image consultant to help you change your look. Need to go back and talk with a therapist, make the call. Need a new line of employment, go get the education you need and make the change.

Sitting around crying and feeling guilty isn't going to do a thing for you except make you feel bad. You have gotten the second chance in life that many do not get. Don't waste the opportunity.

[LeaP]

Becky, the biggest red flag in your OP is your feeling of detachment. I'm all too familiar with it myself, including the suicide ideation. I scare myself at times, because when I get like that, it feels like I can go ahead with it almost arbitrarily ... as if on a whim. I've been like that a lot lately. In my case, time to re-address the anti-depressants. If you are not getting some support with depression, I seriously suggest seeing someone. Having been on both sides of the divide, I at least know it is possible to feel better.

[Aprilrain]

I have to agree with Lea, depression is no joke. It's best to seek professional help. I also need antidepressants to help me control my depression. I'm not saying you do, that's just what I needed.

[Jannis]

This is my 100th post. I have been holding back waiting to respond to a thread that I had a real strong feeling about and this is the one. I have had all the feelings mentioned by the all the girls here and have sought professional help and tried all the meds and still vacillated from one end of the tg spectrum to the other. I have been cd'ing since I was 5 yrs old. Since age 50 or so, I have become more aware of my need to transition, but have not had the support or financial means.
I am presently married to my third wife. She knows some of my feelings and is sometimes encouraging about various feminizing traits I don't try to hide. I underdress, get my nails done, wear my hair long and have a hairless body. I wear quite a few androgynous outfits without criticism. However, she is disapproving of my openly dressing or expressing my true self. She wants a man, not something else. OK. Why is this meaningful to me. Despite my many years of developing my CD persona, I still feel I look like a man in a dress and I hate that feeling. My inner self is 65 per cent femme and growing, but frequently, I want to stop everything I am doing and then I go into deep depression where I want to possibly harm myself. I know all the cliches about permanent solution to a temp problem, but it is not a temporary problem any longer. It is over 60 years of living with this feeling and the total inability to accept myself and just be happy with who I am. I doubt I have the courage to do anything, but I am still looking for a way to be myself without destroying all I have done with my life. Writing this is my first attempt in a long time to expose my feelings to anyone other than a therapist. I am thankful for this forum as I see so many different sides to all my issues and it does help to know I am not always alone. I love you all.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sometimes separating out depression and gender issues is really difficult

When in doubt, deal with the depression. It doesn't matter if they are related for now

If you discover in time that the gender and depression are related that can be dealt with as you come out of your depressed state. The only decision one should make while clinically depressed is to deal with the depression as a medical issue

Jannis maybe you could start another thread and post the same type of message so you can get responses directly aimed at your situation

[KellyJameson]

As transsexual women I think we have a much more fragile hold on "feeling like a woman" than other women do. It can be taken away from us and you go into that feeling "of being different" which is exhausting and depressing and comes with so many negative emotions.

Most woman have this struggle because so much of being a woman is about what is on the outside. So much of being a woman is about the body and face and overall appearance which makes all women vulnerable to losing there sense of being a woman.

I have recently become friends with a woman at work who is a breast cancer survivor and had a mastectomy and how she had to go into therapy because she no longer felt like a woman any longer. Losing a breast attacked her identity and self esteem.

So much of a womans identity is wrapped up in her body and appearance and this is the world we attempt to enter.

Our identities are intimately linked to the vessel we reside in. It identifies us as to who we are so how we will be treated and much of this is done automatically.

You are what is seen. This is a burden women have been fighting against for sometime because they realize the costs that come with this.

In general men are not defined nearly as much by their bodies as women are. Men are defined by what they do and women by what they are.

Your words could have been spoken by any woman, transexual or otherwise.

Your words and feelings are very very common to the experiences of many woman but you do not see it because you are coming at it from the perspective of a transexual woman.

You are suffering the consequences of being a woman (any woman) as much as you are suffering the consequences of being a transexual woman. They are one and the same thing and only the intensity is different.

One of the reasons I knew I was a woman is because of "how I suffer" and "why" because I always shared this with other women.

When you realize this about yourself it may make it easier to bear the burden of being one.

[becky77]

Thank you for all the replies, it helps to hear from those in the know.
Two points really stick out, I need a plan and I need to address the issue.
I think April went straight to the heart of my problem, I need FFS for me.
Maybe others don't think I do, but for me I think I need it.
Money is a major issue and I know its unproductive thinking, but I can't help be annoyed that it costs me so much, financially and mentally and in all the other ways, just to try and have what most people take for granted.
Anyway, I made myself go out yesterday me and my wife/friend went to an English heritage site, I maybe struggling but I can't hide from it.

I think I struggle to admit I might not be coping too well, there are other issues adding to my stress also, but that's life.

I don't know how or if I can achieve raising the necessary money but I have to try.
It is pretty immense what we take on, its hard taking it one step at a time when they are all related.

I'm not one to ask for help but I guess I need to go speak to my Dr and maybe look into a support group?
Although I failed to find one before.

I have a few weeks off over Christmas, hoping to relax but I'm not great on my own lately. So I probably need to make plans to be active and see family etc.

I think too much.

[jaleecd]

Becky, I can identify with the urge to do away with myself. I felt that source of my pain would feel real bad if i offed myself. All that is done is to cause your loved ones a great empty hole on this old world where you used to be. I learned that depression is usually anger turned inward. I soon identified that I really had targets that caused that anger, and i was not the one that I was angry at. It also helped that I didn't have a good excuse for God on why I was presenting Myself so many years befoe my warrenty had expired. You have much to offer, if only the foot prints you leave for the next woman to be, on Her struggles to gain agreement between who her inner being says She is and getting the body modified in agreement if only within Her own mind.We all see the distance you have already traveled and are cheering for you to finish the race and the victory of wholeness internally.

[Aprilrain]

About 4 years ago I tried an OTC depression remedy at my therapists suggestion but found it ineffective. I finally broke down and went to see a psychiatrist about anti-depressants. It took a lot of suffering for me to admit that I couldn't get myself out of the depression hole unaided. It felt like a huge defeat but I was tired of crying all the time and feeling so awful about myself. I hated the idea of taking drugs to fix my depression but I just was at the end of my rope.

[Judith96a]

Becky,
Obviously I haven't seen the photos of yourself to which you refer but when I look at your profile pic and your avatar I see a very attractive woman. And I'm not the only one to have said so! I'd be over the moon if I could look half as good as you.
Some of us just aren't photogenic and flash is VERY unforgiving. So please cut yourself a little slack and, as Jorga suggested, if you're unhappy with your look then find a friendly image consultant (or even just an honest friend whom you trust to gently tell you if you appear 'blokey').
Re the depression - don't mess around with that. It will colour your perception of everything. OTC offerings may help you to cope but only counselling will do anything about the cause. Talk to your GP and get referred to someone who will listen and help you to figure out a way through all of this.
Best wishes
Judith

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Please listen to those of us that have dealt with depression.

By all means try to make progress right now to improve your frame of mind, anything you can do in this moment to feel better is helpful.
But its important to be evaluated by a psychiatrist that can explore options for therapy and/or medicine that is focused on mental health.

Pls remember and hopefully feel motivated by the fact that your transition is going to be influenced by your mental health.
That's why I would put it ahead of gender for now. Improving your mental health by any means necessary is part of your likely successful transition.

I agree with you btw that if you feel ffs is necessary , then its necessary. I believe its conforming surgery similar to SRS for many of us.

However, I've told you before that based on pics (even the ones you find horrible), I have not seen many ts women that have as naturally female looking features as you do.

You should explore your options seriously with real FFS surgeons before getting emotional..FFS is not one size fits all.
If you cant travel take pictures from all angles, pull your hair back, etc....

Send those pics to Dr Meltzer, Dr Osterhaut, and Dr Speigel in the US, and whatever international doctors you feel are acceptable to you
..see if you can get feedback from them around recommendations specifically tailored to YOU.

One reason I say this is that you may find that they recommend surgeries to make your face more female but are less invasive and less expensive to what others "need"

You can do this!!!