When does it start getting better?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm not comfortable with my look, its subtle but its there, that masculine edge that in photos and the mirror still bullies my soul.

This rings false to me- and I don't mean any offense by that Becky, but it reminds me of a young girl looking at herself in the mirror, seeing an overweight reflection, and starving herself, while those around her see a thin, pretty girl with an eating disorder.

None of us is Grace Kelly- Kate Moss isn't half the beauty she was, in fact KM's face is an odd mish-mash of shapes, lopsided, poor complexion- but she pulls it off because those features well made up and under good lighting, please the camera. I don't imagine I'm ever going to be Grace Kelly, but do you? Just how perfect do you want to be? If what you are now isn't good enough, perhaps it isn't a minutely different jawline and eyebrows that you need, or better skin, or stronger nails- perhaps it's to quit being so hard on yourself and start feeling the beauty of what you already have, because it's a lot more than many girls have- frankly I think you're rather blessed.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You have no idea what you are talking about.

[becky77]

This rings false to me

Different perspectives.

My dream/goal is this:
In a few years time (so my forties and I am looking at the long road, despite the frustration of it all) i'm being lazy and still in bed when the Postman knocks with a package. I quickly get up and throw on a dressing gown and answer the door.....without being misgendered.

Am I wrong in thinking that is an achievable ambition with a little help from surgery?

It's about authenticity not perfection. My hair is a wig currently as I need a hair transplant, my face without make-up isn't female enough and I still have a long way to go on hair removal.
So right now to answer that Postman I need to have a shave, put on a wig and make-up. I'm not asking to be Grace Kelly, i'm asking to be a woman without the need for all the falsities, just me.
Not pretty or stunning, just a woman.

[Jorja]

Becky, your goal is achievable. I do it every day. It takes time and money. Plenty of money. In the mean time you will just have to learn to live with your perceived faults just like any other woman. You will learn the meaning of the old saying, patients is a virtue.

[Launa]

I haven't read any of the other comments but I must say you look pretty darn good in your profile pic. If you are going in for some FFS then that will chisel off any of those small remaining male features you think you have. Those surgeons can perform absolute miracles with a face already like yours.

[Angela Campbell]

there is something to be said for being able to just get up and answer that door. It can be done but it will take time and money. a few things like the facial hair removal will do a lot, but it takes a long time. I'm at 158 hrs of electrolysis (18 months) and no longer need to shave, plus I had permanent makeup done for my brows and minimal FFS - no bone work. costs so far are around $20K

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Angela I have seen the change in your avatar...its fantastic...

I share your thoughts...I repeat ....its conforming surgery... the same way srs is.... folks that get srs and don't get ffs might raise an eyebrow, but I know folks that got ffs and feel no need for srs!!!..... so to each their own...

saying you look cute in a picture is just fundamentally missing the whole point...

we don't control our feelings around what makes us male and what maleness has to be obliterated...if we could, I would have controlled my feelings and kept my male life...I didn't want to "need" FFS....

it seems to me Becky even in your positive responses you can't help but keeping a seed of a downbeat and that's the issue in my mind... because I know from looking at you that you should function easily in female mode, I think you have to take the time to get your mental health act together, get going with the GIC, and start executing on your plan....you should accept that you are gonna get this done, but its going to take time.
Patience will be rewarded

[Trishpdxcd2]

Becky,

Please seek help, a transgender therapist, as soon as you can. You need to be treated for depression. Your self image is out of line with reality. Most of us would love to look as good as you do. I just see this beautiful young woman when I look at you so please get help to deal with your depression.

[Angela Campbell]

It takes a while to get comfortable in your skin once you go full time. Feeling this way is quite normal Becky since you are at the point of being unable to hide. But it does get easier, much easier.

And yeah I do still need srs, maybe more so than ever before.

[Megan Thomas]

Becky, i think I get where you are. Take off the wig and the make up and what stares back at you is unmistakably male. The question is will FFS make that any different or will you just see a more effeminate face with male baldness?

[becky77]

Well I had my first appointment at GIC yesterday and it went pretty well, better than expected.
She already consults with the private gender specialist I have been seeing, so going to him has helped things, they have all his notes and GIC will take over my Hormone monitoring.
They are going to seek funding for speech therapy and some free sessions of hair removal to help with costs. And probably to the relief of some they will give me counselling for my confidence issues.
She said I didn't see myself as others see me and I need help with that now as it could impact on my life after GRS/SRS. I guess you would call it a comorbidity?
It isn't related to my gender issues but is impacting on my Transition so will be treated in unison.

The rest was just assessment. Next appointment is June 10th fair way off but i'm hoping to be fulltime by then.

I discussed FFS and she seemed concerned that it might not be the right thing and I should do the counselling first.

[Rianna Humble]

All sounds very positive to me, Becky. I think that they are right to suggest they address the confidence issues and suggest you wait for a bit more counseling before making a final decision on FFS.

It is your decision to make, but the extra counseling could help you to see more clearly what you want.

[becky77]

I've been thinking things over recently and without doubt my top of the list hang-up is my hair. Taking off a wig and seeing the change is demoralising, so I have looked into it and I am now booked in for a Hair transplant at the beginning of February, I have sorted out funds and I can't quite believe this may happen. It will take years to grow out but I have this new dream in my head of a few years time and what I can achieve, keeping the end target in mind has somehow helped and I have relaxed a bit more, I was defo putting too much pressure on myself.

On another positive note, remember I changed job roles? Well I sailed through my probationary period and have been given a brand new car to replace the Van, can't say how much this has cheered me up, the van really knocked my confidense. Anyway that wasn't the point, I work closely with another guy that is responsible for the client I work with. I told him yesterday and he couldn't have been more supportive and positive. His energy was really surprising and I feel more positive now, I think he will go out of his way to make it go well for me and he is very influencial in the company. I tell HR in January and this has taken a bit more worry away.

[Jorja]

Keep fighting the demons and slaying the dragons, Becky. It won't be long before you are the Queen of the land.

[PretzelGirl]

Each of us have our own hang-ups. I am glad you are able to attack yours even if the result will take some time. Every step is progress!