I feel like I have had enough, on the outside my transition is going well most people are good with me and I've not had any bad moments when out, only misgendered by those close to me.
But I the happiness that was growing from being myself is dwindling fast, I don't know if I'm strong enough to continue being different all the time.
I saw the wedding photographers pictures the other day, I was in just one pretty much edited out which really hurts. The one I am in is just,because I happen to be dancing behind the bride. I look dreadful, not as in look as in blokey. Added onto that we had a Halloween party and every picture is awful, I'm realising that these pictures are how people see me and I hate it. I just can't get past the feeling like a freak, my whole life I just wanted to be normal, nothing special I don't think I can cope with being different, its just not me.
I have no doubt I'm a woman and that I should live my life as a woman. I'm full of doubts that I can't live as a woman. I feel broken and empty and unrepairable, I know I shouldn't mention this but I have thoughts of ending the pain and they are getting more serious, I have started planning it, where, how and who to tell to find me. I would normally be alarmed at these thoughts but right now I feel detached, I'm just so very tired all the time, mentally.
What is my future? Forever feeling inferior? Always being different? Having to delude myself that I fit in?
I will keep enduring but for what quality of life, I read about people having a much worse time than me, but that just makes me feel guilty, guilt is another emotion that sits heavy on me.
I'm sure I will be ok, I just needed to say how I'm feeling.