When does it start getting better?

[Jorja]

I agree, if you feel FFS is necessary then it is necessary. I don't know the process there in the UK but try to get a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Find out just what they can do for you. Also try to get an estimate on price. This way you will have an actual amount to set as a goal. Try everything available to meet that goal. I don't know if it works or not but it can't hurt, try crowd funding to raise part of the money needed.

I also agree that if you are having depression problems get help ASAP. Depression is nothing to mess with. It could also be a case of too much idle time. Have you ever heard of the old saying, idle hands are the devils workshop? The same holds true of the mind and gender dysphoria. Too much time to think can reek havoc on our thinking process. Find a way to keep your mind busy and thinking of things other than your gender problems.

[DebbieL]

Becky,
I hope you are discussing these feelings with your therapist, they are important and may be part of issues that won't be resolved by transition.

From the pictures in your profile and avatar, you are a beautiful young girl. You have a very feminine face, and shape.

You really need to think about what your ultimate goal is, and what is realistic. You won't look like the model's in the ads in Cosmo. Even those models don't look like that in real life. Knowing how to pose, how to prep for the shot, which angles work, and a good photographer are all needed to create 30 to 100 shots - the best of which shows up in the ad.

People who know you and loved you as male will often see you that way no matter what you do. Many will have to go through a grieving process, letting the boy "die" and then getting to know, and hopefully love the girl.

If you are in a 12 step program, or have any personal transformation programs, this is a good time for those as well. I've had good results from the Landmark Forum.

Many of the feelings are normal HUMAN feelings - we all have them, we just learn to stop comparing our insides to everyone else's outsides. Furthermore, many of the strategies that worked as a guy don't work as a girl. Do you have a GG mentor? This could also be helpful.

[Nigella]

Whilst the support of your peers here is admirable and most of the advice is sound, the best piece of advice you can get right now is, TALK TO YOUR LEAD CLINICIAN AT THE GIC. They will have seen and heard all this before and will direct you to the best place to go to help you get yourself back on track.

[becky77]

My peers have been more helpful than GIC, who I am still awaiting my first appt. with.
I started with the NHS over 2 Years ago and still await there help. Last I heard I'm likely to get my first door into GIC in March 2015, yes very helpful that.
So far everything I have done including councilling has been on my own, maybe GIC are good when you finally get there but inbetween there has been no help except to be referred to as crazy by one Dr.
"Speak to a therapist" isn't always the right answer, I feel April and Kaitlyn understand just what I'm feeling, and that understanding makes me feel less alone in this. That's way more helpful than another few hours bitching to a therapist. In my opinion.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I believe I do understand what you are feeling Becky. However please allow me to push back a bit

I can't speak to UK medical system issues, but my time in therapy (both psych and therapist) were much much more than bitching.
that is not what therapy is about...

in fact, my psychiatrist did so much for me its incredible...she was highly intelligent and thoughtful...I met her through my gender therapist, but my gender issues were barely discussed.
....she analyzed what I talked about and made some suggestions about what she called my "thought habits" and my state of mind that were revelatory to me.
She suggested some medicine that I had never heard of that she felt specifically addressed my specific issues and that was 6 years ago
I am a high functioning person, and I was very concerned about meds but they worked for me
...my only depressive/panic/obsession/cycling(LOL...) episode happened when I became inconsistent in taking that medicine...

Like you, I was very skeptical about psychiatry...I had bad experiences with general practice doctors that gave me paxil and lorazapam simply because I mentioned I had been feeling anxious and maybe depressed (of course in the back of mind I was hoping some pills might cure my gender thinking), so I didn't like the idea of a psychiatrist either.

I agree with you that sometimes its hard for people to say much more than "go to a therapist" and it falls flat. And I also agree that feeling other people truly understand you is a wonderful feeling that can mitigate alot of bad feelings...(even if its sad/bad things they understand and even on the internet), but if you buy that I understand how you are doing, then you need to buy that even with the difficulties and waiting on GIC that you've mentioned, your situation absolutely calls for a psychiatrist that can listen to your "bitching" but also provide you with feedback and treatment ideas that could really improve your quality of life...

if you suffer from depression, ffs is not going to heal you... and if you are waiting forever for GIC, I believe successfully dealing with mental health issues is a huge factor in a healthy and successful transition...you may find you are not in fact depressed...that would be a huge relief...

like I said, you can do this!! but you have to move out of your "i'll do it all myself" comfort zone

[LeaP]

So many common threads in this thread…

Like many, I fought dealing with depression my entire life. My therapist told me (2 years later) that I was severely clinically depressed when I first came in. The funny thing is, I felt the same way I had all my life! In some ways, I was a high functioning depressive in that I could get through life. As I have often said, if you're forced to walk on the bottom of the ocean, you get pretty good at it after a while. In other ways, of course, it was destroying my life and my relationships. Like my mother, I'm bipolar. Because of what I saw her go through with psychiatrists, drugs, and hospitals, I wanted no part of it.

My therapist talked me into antidepressants step by step. The only reason I agreed at all was because she insisted on sorting it out before addressing my gender concerns. She ramped me up over the next year, starting me with the lowest available dosage on the market. I still fight it. My dosage is still quite low. I put up with some depression without thinking about it a lot because it is so familiar anyway.

But it's getting bad again. Still, the relief I have experienced from the antidepressants is so deep and unmistakable that I can't imagine not readdressing them. Be aware that some people experience a lessening – or even a cessation - of gender issues when their depression is addressed. My therapist was looking to see if that would happen and was very upfront about it. In my case I found that the issues not only persisted, they strengthened and clarified. In the end, all of the background in this response is to get to that point. Depression masks and confuses gender in many ways. It prevents you from moving, feeds fear, and it makes you second-guess the things you have and are doing. It keeps you from feeling your true self and it prevents others seeing you, too. It interferes with the validations that you are seeking and that you need. And while all depression is bad, the life-changing, situational aspects of transsexualism can slide you into a type of hopelessness from which it is difficult to escape.

Go see someone ASAP.

[Cheyenne Skye]

I know I am a little late here but I just wanted to say that I sympathize with you Becky. When I started transition, I was of course depressed. I saw a psychiatrist who put me on anti depressants. My moods leveled out after a while. Then when I finally came out at work and got my legal name change, I finally felt some happiness. So I had the doc wean me off the anti depressants. I was okay for a few months but I had a bit of a financial crisis and started feeling down again. I worked my way out of the hole (literally and figuratively). And now I find myself contemplating my future as a woman. How far do I need to go? FFS? GRS? I had thought before that the most important part was just to have others see me as female. But maybe it's not that simple. And maybe they don't see me that way either. Especially my coworkers. I've been at my job for over 11 years and only came out 6 months ago. And it's a very male dominated job. So even new hires see me as another one of the guys (also thanks to a drab ugly uniform). But I'm still not completely financially solvent yet, far less being able to save the thousands required for any surgery. I keep remembering the words my doctor put on my letter to the DMV for getting my gender marker changed, "...and she will get the surgery when she can afford it." But I wonder if that will ever be a real possibility. And if not, how will I cope with my dysphoria for the rest of my life. I'm still going to therapy but not as often as I would like either. I keep hanging in there but often wonder why I should even bother since I don't seem to have even a glimmer of hope for my future. It's tough. My heart goes out to you. If you can find a way to get what you need, don't let anything stop you.

[kimdl93]

Becky, part of depressive behavior in my case as well, was ruminating endlessly over the things in my life that had seemingly gone out of control. It consumed my thoughts. The only break I got during the worst of it was when friends and family literally dragged me out into the world.

I also know the frustration of waiting. I was on a waiting list for therapy when I came to a crisis, and went to the ER after an abortive impulsive attempt at escape. Fortunately, that imminent risk set wheels in motion and I was into a competent psychologist and psychiatrist within a few days.

Have you confided in your GP about your feelings? If he/she understands fully they may be able to grease the wheels a bit for you.

[becky77]

Ok bitching was a daft thing to say, my therapist did help me get to where I am now.
Haven't seen her for ages though, too costly I just end up worrying about the cost effectiveness of it until it becomes more stressful than helpful.

I think I'm one of those people that doesn't like to pop pills. Apart from hormones I only take pain killers when a migraine is coming.
One of my issues is that my Mum was/is a major hypercondriact, suffered almost bipolar depression and was always so negative. Going back to another thread all my grandparents either died horribly or went mad, my two uncles were unpleasant and my Dad didn't like me.
No one ever gave me a hug or told me they loved me and it took a long time before I was ok with being touched by someone. So there probably lies both my non-acceptance of depression (won't be like Mum) and probably why I cant see good in myself.

I pretty much know my flaws and I'm no longer putting my problems down to gender all the time. I know I'm damaged from parents influence (classic blame the parents)!.
Right now I'm comfortable in who I am but I'm not comfortable with my look, its subtle but its there, that masculine edge that in photos and the mirror still bullies my soul. I need to feed my energy into taking that away

I told my Mum this stuff she wasn't best pleased. Said I'm pretty and surgery isn't the answer. But your talking about someone that still wants to cling onto 'her son' her bias means she can't see what I see, although she did admit the Adams apple had to go.
On the plus side her and Dad said they can now see how I was always this way and its who I should have been. I think that's pretty major for parents, I still hold onto resentment at how they raised me but they have come good now, see that's positive for me isn't it?

The point about not being photogenic I need to ponder on.

I find it so hard to go to the Doctors. I asked for help before and was sent to a cognitive behavior therapist, they said they couldn't help me.
I was also put on anti-depressants early last year, it had no effect at all.

I think Lea made a valid point regarding walking under the Ocean. I have been this way my whole life, only ever known to hide my emotions and keep to myself.
Problem with transition is it awakens hope, when before you resigned yourself to your lot in life.
After that things are like that line from James? song "If I'd never seen such riches, I could live with being poor".
The bad times now hit harder because you have seen a chance of the good times.

I've been recommended to a place in Marbelle, Spain. There reputation is good but I will look into options in the US too, need a passport first though.
Getting a plan suits my personality, channeling my mind. Idle thinking time is deadly.

Oh, and I like to be in control, waiting for someone else to do something or not being able to do something drives me crazy. I can be patient and calm on the outside, yet in a complete whirl on the inside. Very much a Gemini if you believe in that stuff.

[LeaP]

One Gemini to another - what could be more ironic than to be trans?

[Nicole Erin]

What if you got FFS and then found something else to feel bad about?
Look at how many TS get surgeries and then find out life is still not perfect.

Being born male, we are at a huge disadvantage for living as women.
It starts getting better when you stop giving a damn and decide to do the best you can.
Like me, I know I look like crap but I do not obsess over it. I was born male, am close to 40, and decided I can either accept myself or not. And, life is pretty much normal now.

[becky77]

It's a strange world. Had a call from GIC today, due to cancellations can I attend an appt. 18th November!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Wow!!!

Its funny Becky, this morning I sat down and thought of you and was going to check in with a note that basically was going to ask if things are any better!!!

Sounds like something really really really got better!!

Now get to taking those pictures and sending them out to FFS docs...remember it doesn't cost you anything to ask their advice in the context of evaluating whether you will use them...in other words, they don't have to know that its unlikely you are getting FFS with them!!

[GabbiSophia]

That is great news becky.!! Anything to ease the mind to catch a break is a blessing. Good luck with the meeting but I am sure you do not need it.

[PretzelGirl]

Sometimes we really get looked after. I hope this brings a smile around and you can start being happy for the future. It will be good!

[becky77]

Oh yes, a much needed boost. Things might be moving forward again.

Any recommendations for tried and tested surgeons, any outside of US too as I'm from the UK?
This is the place that was recommended to me http://facialteam.eu/

At Nicole.
Maybe, but I see it that I have to give myself every chance of finding that happiness.
The same question could be put to everyone that has surgery.

[Nigella]

Glad to hear that you have finally got an appointment at a GIC

[Rianna Humble]

That's great news! I got my second appointment early due to a cancellation and it was a real relief.

When you go, just be yourself. As you are in Essex, would that be Charing Cross?

[gonegirl]

At Nicole.
Maybe, but I see it that I have to give myself every chance of finding that happiness.
The same question could be put to everyone that has surgery.

Absolutely! This is about quality of life. Modifying your body (using hormone therapy, surgery, body sculpturing though exercise and diet) to look more feminine can be a very effective way to gain acceptance as being female. I say can be because there are other important factors such as a feminine voice, and feminine energy. These things, when combined, will undoubtedly improve your quality of life, assuming of course that you are a woman. (I make no distinction between TS women, or otherwise)

Becky- I highly recommend Dr Meltzer in AZ, USA for the surgery you seek.

[Promethea]

Becky, surgery can be great for you, but don't disregard seeing a therapist as well as getting surgery. They will help you deal not with how you look, but with how you see yourself and how you think others see you, which can be the worst.

If only those close to you misgender you, it means they aren't doing it because you actually look blokey, but because they are used to seeing you as a man because that's what you presented for so many years. And do you know who else is used to that? I'll give you a clue. Her name starts with a B. And it ends with an ecky. Both you and them need time. NoHRMPHingbody else sees anything blokey about you.

Nobody likes their own pictures, and that is even more true for us. It's normal. And in the case of that photo, keep in mind that the fauxtographer wasn't trying to make the lady in the background look good, but the bride. Some wedding fauxtographers don't really know what they are doing, they just spray and pray, and later spend hours choosing the pictures that happen to not look terrible (and often they suck at doing that too). Sometimes they can leave out important people from the album, and instead have too many pictures of the groom's sister's nephew's maid's uncle's second cousin twice removed. It's their fault (and loss) that they didn't take a good photo of you.

It's good to know you're feeling better.

Hugs!

PS: I almost forgot, I wanted to recommend you getting massages as well. Some types of massage can do wonders for self esteem as well, and help you with accepting feelings of love.

[becky77]

As you are in Essex, would that be Charing Cross?

Yes it is, not sure if that is a good thing though. It's a pain to get to!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Of course its a good thing!!!
Progress is a good thing...
People in the US drive 3 hours to get to a therapy session if they find the right therapist!!!
I drove 90 minutes each way for years because my therapist was excellent (now I use Skype!! hehe)

[becky77]

Just meant it's a pain because of London transport, not the distance.

I have contacted some FFS surgeons via email and booked a consultation with a guy in Belgium. He had a London slot end of this month but due to my indecision and hesitancy I missed it, so only one available now is February 14th 2015. I really annoy myself sometimes!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Becky,

When I looked at your avatar, and looked again more closely, the more sure I was that you are a woman. Then I read your post. I looked at your profile pic- again I only thought of you as anything other than a very attractive woman because of your written words.

I'm way out of my league in offering advice, so I'm not even going to try, but I do wonder if the party pics which so dismayed you are a very poor yardstick to measure your appearance by. How many women like themselves in photos at the best of times, never mind rosy-cheeked from drink and dancing; hair coming adrift; overly-ambitious dress sizing, and simple insecurity? I'd be willing to bet that fewer than 10% of the women at those parties truly feel good about the pics that emerged, and that 10% are probably all over 60 and less self-critical. My mother at 83 is still obsessed with how she looks, and regularly howls with anguish when she sees pictures of herself, but I think she's kind of extreme.

This doesn't detract from the pain of feeling you have been airbrushed out, and I can't help you with that- you just have to grit your teeth and move on towards your goal- but in terms of self-image, give yourself a break. Even if the pics here are you looking your best, and you probably feel they are, you are pretty enough to make many women jealous, and to make many men sit up and take notice- as I did.

You may feel broken, you may feel empty, but those are states which can be overcome; repairable - and worthy of repair - you most certainly are.

Nikki

[Heather_Shirly]

Becky,

I just read your post and I don't know how to help you with your inner feelings of guilt and feeling like you are inferior save for two things that I hope help.

1) You look amazing. I am almost jealous of how beautiful you look. You have great hair and a gorgeous face. You look 100% like the women that you are. I think anyone here will agree wiht me.
2) You are not inferior. You are clearly showing a strength of will to be who you really feel you are. You say that it is getting harder and that you don't know if you can keep it up but i think you can and will.

I guess self image is the hardest thing to get over. Sometimes when we are depressed we look at ourselves in a poor way and want to pick at every little flaw until we make it a big deal. Your avatar and the picture in your profile show a very pretty young women and that is how i see you and others see you as well. Never feel guilty. Guilt is there only because of what society says about how you should feel. You are hurting no one and only helping yourself be who you are. Why should you feel bad about that in anyway?

You remark about being different.... You are. I am as well in fact we all here are. EVERYONE on this planet is DIFFERENT in some way. It is the truth but it isn't bad to be different. For years i thought that being different made me an outcast and in some ways it does. But along with that there are so many great things about being different. Just look at how you have let yourself be who you are and be what you are. You might be different but just think about how horrible things would be for you if you kept it all inside and didn't let yourself be who you truly are.

I hope that helps in someway. You are strong and you will get stronger and yes it will get better as you get more comfortable with yourself. I wish i had half the courage you have. You are an inspiration to us all.

Believe me you have nothing to worry about .