A little scared....

[Ktaylor]

Hi all,
So I have come out to all my close friends and family. Three ladies (two wives of close friends and a very close lady friend) have been very supportive and willing to help. I am now divorced, was pretty brutal as my best girlfriend who supplied all my clothes ended up having an affair with my wife who didn't want to participate in the crossdressing in any way including finding dirty female clothes in the hamper, but life goes on... my children don't know but I would like to normalize it with them while keeping it a secret from greater society but kids say the darnedest things (two girls ages 5 and 7). So my problem, I really enjoy this thing and it is starting to take on a life of its own (by that I am questioning is it more than just dressing?) I mean don't get me wrong, I like my male parts and I have no interest in guys, LOVE WOMEN!! but sometimes I think, wouldn't it be nice to not have to shave anything! or have breasts and longer eyelashes, not be going bald.... and then I think but I don't want to do that all the time! Frankly I am a bit scared and the fact that I used to just think this is something I do to feel better, less stressed, happier, more powerful (joyous, aware, in control), but it seems that I want more. Recently I went to a Halloween party with over 500 people and one of my close friends. Women came up to me and asked me where I got my dress as it was so pretty but then they asked me what my costume was and until I talked they had no idea I was a girl. YAHOO!!! I really enjoyed that. What I didn't enjoy was being hit on by a lot of drunk guys. So to stop rambling and get to the point.... in my quest to accept myself for who I am I have to say I am a bit lost.... Any help, suggestions, advice? Yes I am seeing a therapist and we are discussing a lot of things but I wanted to open it up to the larger community.

Be well all! Life is a process, you are not at the end when you are unhappy with the result because you still have to accept the result!!
Kendra

[Andy66]

Stop and take a deep breath, Kendra. Just my opinion, it sounds like you have a whole lot on your plate right now, and youre doing this...

Maybe you can break things down into parts, work on the most important parts right now until you become more sure of things. Maybe make a list or start a journal.

One thing I would NOT do is dress fully around kids that young unless you are prepared for the world to know. Kids DO say the darndest things. Dont worry, its going to be okay.

[Rachelakld]

Hi Kendra,
I'm in the same boat in many ways.
My wife knew before we got married - when I'm grumpy she tells me to go and have some girl time.
Over here, kids do Sex Ed at 13, which includes the different "flavours" that people come in.
At this age they also learn about bullies & harassment for the slightest thing, so they know what not to talk about with friends.
It was at this stage I slowly introduced them to my other self.
Some told their friends, who attitude was "so what"
I tend to wear tights (leggings in the US) at home and around the house, and occasionally skirts or dresses unless we have visitors

Yes I would like to be hair free, and while having boobs could be fun, I prefer to have a good efficient mans body that will last 100+ years.
Really it's my body and I'm happy with it even when my blue beard shows through my foundation, because I am who I am

[MsVal]

Welcome to the finest message board of it's kind anywhere on the 'net. The amount of information and support available here is amazing.

Accepting yourself can be a liberating experience, but it can also be scary when you discover you're on a journey to a place unknown, without a map, and with very little control.

I am working with a therapist that has a great deal of experience with gender issues. Through her guidance, and with the aid of some medicine, I have learned how to accept myself and enjoy the ride, though that last part is still a work in progress. Hopefully you will be at that point very soon.

As for the kids, I urge you to be cautious and consider what could happen to them when their classmates learn of your crossdressing. Adult CDs worry about what will happen when others find out, and they are much better equipped to handle the consequences than your little ones.

Best wishes
MsVal

[docrobbysherry]

U may have answered your own question, Kendra:

"Life is a process, you are not at the end when you are unhappy with the result because you still have to accept the result!!"

Let me add that u seem to be far from the end. So, u have plenty of time to amend your "results"!

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Kendra,
Oh the all consuming thoughts of CDing......."Pink Fog"?
Saying your still fond of your male side, says it all! Finding a way to
balance your femme and male sides is the key.
I've felt the same way in the past, and am still struggling with my balance.
Just realizing (and remembering!) there needs to be balance will help.
Divorced with kids, are they with you?
What is your free time (dress time) availability?
Is it possible to set your schedule for Kendra time?
I know the confusion your feeling, try doing a split day, guy stuff in the morning,
and Kendra gets the evening.
There are no rules, but if your not considering a 24/7 lifestyle, and just confused by your feelings about wanting, desiring, needing to be dressed, and thinking your more than a CDer, Im willing to bet that each and every one of us affirmed CDer's have had this thought. We all find a way to make it work, and you will too!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Beverley Sims]

Kendra,
I can only say don't tell the children, they do not need to know and this episode may mix them up more at this time.

[Marcelle]

Hi Kendra,

The feelings you are having are very common place and while it can be confusing it is just your psyche trying to make sense of things. Heck, you like to dress in women's clothing so it is not odd that your internal mind might question as to why that might be. Give it time, explore a bit and you might find things will normalize once you make sense of things. I note you are seeing a therapist and that might help a bit so long as that therapist is experienced with gender identity issues. A good therapist will lead you to a conclusion and would not normally tell you who you are so be cognizant of that. Specifically, they should act as a guide on this journey, make you questions things and help you to discovery. So be honest and straightforward with her/him.

Hugs

Isha

[Ktaylor]

Hell-o Kendra,

Divorced with kids, are they with you?
What is your free time (dress time) availability?
Is it possible to set your schedule for Kendra time?
Much Love,
Kristyn

Thanks Kristyn, The kids are with me quite a bit. My ex fought for me to only get weekends every other week but I fought for more as they have always been "Daddy's Girls" so I now have them every other weekend, Tuesday, Thursday and every Sunday Morning. Plus there are a lot of times that my ex doesn't want them so I will get a call in the morning asking if I can take them, which for the most part I do... as for dress time availability.... when the kids aren't around I tend to wear lingerie under my drab clothes and I sleep in women's pajamas almost always (SOMA cool nights pajamas that the kids can't tell). I like the idea of setting my schedule for Kendra time... but I don't want to do it only by myself, what I am afraid of is being a burden to my accepting friends.


I also want to say thank you to all that have posted on this string. It is really great to have such wonderful support!

Kendra.

[Annaliese]

Kendra, like it ready been said, take a deep breath, the first part of your story, you have some friends that are supportive and then your best friend and your wife. Take it slow, I am glad you are seeing therapist, try to make peace with your ex and your ex best friend. That will help you with telling your kids, if you and your ex are getting along.

[Maria 60]

Well considering this is your second post, you sure are coming in here with a flurry. I am not a expert but I could tell you what I do when I start getting a little out of control. The first thing I do is take a step back and breath and most of all try not to loss focus, and think everything through clearly. Through out the years the dressing has had it's ups and downs, and sometime feeling as if it really makes a difference depending on what's going on in my male life. This year was the strongest it ever was, I actually went out fully dressed driving around In daylight a few times, and I by no way pass as a women. I thought I was happy in the closet, and then out of nowhere it just stops, and have never went out again until Halloween. You have to find where it is you want to be with it, I mostly love having a few times a week to dress and I am usually happy with that, and then there's weeks when I want to run outside and scream out to everyone that I am a crossdresser and love it. But most of all I know the obvious. I love being a man, I am not gay, I don't want to be with another man, and I enjoy being and dressing like a women a few times a week. I am usually OK with this and that's what keeps my sanity, and a few times a year I want to take it further and take bigger chances, and then on the other hand a few times a year I stop for months. What I am trying to say is, you have to find where you stand, and maybe a therapist will help or you may teach him something, either way only you can ask yourself and answer the real questions. Hope I helped you and hope I didn't confuse you more. You have all the time in the world there's nothing to rush about, just relax, take it easy and make the decision that makes you happy . After all it is all about you at the end of the day isn't it.

[Suzanne F]

Kendra
Welcome, you are in the right place. I came out on the other side of this. I realized I was TS as dressing occasionally just wasn't enough. I am not saying that is true for you. It is just my story. I have come out to all my family and friends. My children all know. It is tough. If you can find balance between male and female, do it! There are many here that have figured out over time how to achieve balance and have wonderful lives. It sounds like this is a good time to take your time and really look at yourself and determine who you are. Good luck and we will be here!
Hugs
Suzanne

[DebbieL]

Kendra,
I understand that this is a hard time in your life. It's hard letting go of so many things that held fond memories and reminded you of a time when you felt loved. The good news is that you have cleared a space to become who you want to be.

Reading your posts, I would also suggest that you visit the transsexual forum, you are now at the point where you could make any choice you want.

As for your children, if they don't know already, there is a good chance they will know soon. Little girls are ridiculously perceptive and daughters are not very judgmental. They are upset that you and their mommy aren't together anymore, but even if they haven't figured it out, there is a good chance your ex will tell them, to try and get them to hate you. Fortunately, that usually backfires, especially with kids that age.

You've also had a taste of what it's like to be a girl, and you liked it. This group is a good place to get feedback and support, and to help others. It's also a good place to find out more about other help and support resources.

[Ktaylor]

Thank you all so very much! I agree with all of your posts. I have come here in a flurry. I tend to do things that way but usually don't just come and go. More steady flurry once I am in a place. I have done a lot of reading of other posts as well and I just want to say this is quite a great group of people!

So I am seeing a therapist, My x wife and oldest daughter are too. I have reached out to my eldest's therapist and filled her in. My x and I are going to have a meeting to work through next steps that we both as parents agree upon. At this point I am not going to tell them right away although they are very perceptive so I will continue to be careful. I just refuse to hide and sneak around. I will plan for the times I am with my children and when I am not I won't be hiding.

As for my life. I really need to find the balance. The question is where is that balance? Women's things are just so wonderful. C'est la vie... Will just keep trying till I find the right mix.

Thanks again for everyone's support and I am always open to more advice!

Take care,
Kendra

[Katey888]

Kendra - good advice here already...

Can't add to it other than to emphasise that this is not likely to be a sprint race... slow and steady would be my recommendation, and balance, harmony and prudence would be three important words in my lexicon of coping with this weird passion...

Therapy should help you understand where this is is taking you - but be wary of advice that seems to point you down a particular track.. (it can happen..)

Other than that, enjoy it - and Keep Calm & Carry On!

Katey x.

[MelanieAnne]

Crossdressing is a lifelong thing for most. Do not tell children!! And it is progressive, as we refine our mannerisms, dress, expand our wardrobes, and perfect our makeup. But numerous studies suggest most crossdressers are heterosexual. And for me, there were numerous periods when I would let my body hair grow out, and get into guy mode, when I had my eye on some woman I wanted to go out with. But I always came back to crossdressing, between girlfriends. And when you finally retire and live alone, you attain the purple belt in crossdressing!

[Sarina Curtis]

Hey Kendra,

I'm in a similar boat with 2 girls ages 3 and 6. I intend to keep things discreet until they're old enough to understand that some things shouldn't be shared with just anyone. If my wife has her way that'll be around the time they move out of the house but I'm just going to bide my time, enjoy the occasional days alone that I get and wait for the time that's right for them because this could have a big impact on them too.