I came out to my family this weekend. On Saturday, November 1, 2014, at 10:00 am, I sent my coming out letter via email to my dad and brother. My mom does not have access to email, so she did not receive the email. I instructed them in the letter to tell Mom, or to at least let me read it myself to Mom.
My brother at first seemed to react fine. He said that he will support me in my transition, and that I am in a good place for LGBT people in California. He asked me lots of questions about how I felt with respect to my body and identity, and about how I am modifying my body to become female. He asked me about electrolysis, laser, hormones, waxing, shaving, eyebrows, legal name change, how I dress, am I out at work, and questions about the past as well. He said it will take him time to get used to the change, but he will eventually be able to accept me as a woman and that technically I am his sister.
He also said that it explains a lot of things. He, my mom, and my dad, all thought I was gay. He and my mom both noticed that my behavior and mannerisms was always on the feminine side since I was little.
He said my dad was not very happy and that they haven't told my mom yet.
Yesterday afternoon, I spoke with my father over the phone. He was completely outraged by this. He said a barrage of nasty things to me, and was not only transphobic but showing his typical emotional abusive behavioral pattern. Here are a few of the things he said.
1. That I should look for a better job, and look outside of the L.A. area. He has given me four such lectures in the past, including one three weeks ago.
2. That I am going down a path of self-destruction. Sex change to him is a path of self-destruction.
3. That psychologists are liberals and only say what you want to hear. Psychologists never try to challenge you.
4. That the LGBT community people aren't my friends, and that the only ones who care about me are him, my mom, and my brother.
Btw, this one really smacks of his emotional abuse pattern.
5. That people who really love you will give you tough love and not encouragement.
6. That I am only thinking myself into being trans because I somehow felt inadequate as a man.
7. That I should start taking male hormones and go for reverse therapy to become a better man.
8. He emphasized the word "man" a lot.
9. That I should stop taking female hormones and stop my transition.
10. That he will never call me Michelle.
Btw, I bet he now hates that name.
11. That I will always be his son, and he will never recognize me as his daughter.
12. That I am not welcome at his funeral if I continue down this path.
13. That I am to never tell any relatives.
14. That I am to never visit them dressed as a woman, and that I will never visit that town dressed as a woman. He is afraid that word will get around and that people will think of us in a terrible way.
15. He asked me how tall I am, and I said 6 foot. He told me that as a 6 foot woman that I will never pass, and always be read as trans.
16. That as a 6 foot tall woman, that only bigger men will ever date me, and they will beat the shit out of me and make my life miserable.
17. That I am experiencing some kind of smoke right now in my head.
18. He will not disown me or stop talking to me, but he does not accept me being trans.
19. He never noticed anything feminine about me, and never thought I was gay.
Btw, what a lie. 12 years ago, he threatened to disown me if I was gay.
After we hung up the phone, a few minutes later, he left me another nasty message, and this one really pissed me off and smacks of his emotional abuse.
He told me that I am to never tell my mother. He is afraid that she will verbally assault him every day for the rest of his life if she knows, and he is afraid that she will blab this to the whole town and everyone will know.
Several hours later I spoke with my brother, who urged me to consider the male hormone treatment. He also said that dad is wrong about not telling mom, and that we should definitely tell mom. He is very much in a quandry about what to do about this.
I saw my therapist this morning, and told her all about this. She was very outraged at the words of my father. We both agreed that my dad is an emotional abuser. I also spoke about how my dad beat my mom 7 times in the past, from about 2000 to 2006. My dad also instills fear verbally and will sometimes talk in a manner where he won't hit anyone but looks like he is about to assault someone.
My mom does not yet know about this, and I would like to tell her within the next few days. I will be reading the letter to her myself over the phone, with my brother hopefully in the room to comfort her, without dad present.
I have also made a decision that I am disowning my father, and will never speak to him again. I am done with him. Because he is transphobic. Because he doesn't accept me as Michelle. Because he is an emotional abuser who instills fear in all of us. Because he has perpetrated domestic violence in the past.
I am fortunate to live 3000 miles away from them so I don't see them in person very often. My brother and mom aren't so lucky. I honestly believe my father should have gone to jail years ago for domestic violence.
Originally Posted by Krisi
Rachel Smith May 2017
