I came out to my family, and it was the biggest fiasco

[Nicole Erin]

So once again folks, we witness it happening - family reacting to our "coming out" the same ways they react to everything.
Apparently Michelle's dad has always been (not so nice) so this is no different. He sounds pretty insecure really.

For disowning - why bother talking to him anyways? I mean if he is always such a shit about everything, why waste time talking to him?

As far as the funeral, he is flattering himself. I mean who is gonna travel 3,000 miles to attend a funeral of someone they don't get along with?

[Kimberly Kael]

As far as the funeral, he is flattering himself. I mean who is gonna travel 3,000 miles to attend a funeral of someone they don't get along with?

To provide emotional support to others who will be in attendance? A funeral isn't held for the deceased.

[MonicaJean]

Michelle, HUGS. How are you doing this morning? Are you doing OK?

[Brooklyn]

So sorry... I imagine everyone in your family is pretty darn upset in their own way. Gather yourself, do what you need to do, and gracefully help them through this change if possible. If some family members don't come 'round, that's on them and not your doing.

[Eryn]

To provide emotional support to others who will be in attendance? A funeral isn't held for the deceased.

At that point in time it will be a moot point. The deceased is in no position to dictate who may not attend.

[PaulaQ]

I hope that coming out to your mom goes well, Michelle. I agree wholeheartedly that you should do this yourself - and do it quickly, before your brother or father ruin it for you by telling her some terrible thing that bears only passing resemblance to the truth of the matter. Seriously - you get one chance to tell your story. If someone else does it for you - you get NO chance to ever really tell it.

I'm really sorry about your father. Then again, from everything you've ever said about him, maybe disowning you would be the best thing he's ever done for you? (I'm only partly joking here...)

[Teresa]

Michelle,
Try and say and do what I did with my father ! If I say and do the opposite to him I will be a good and honest person !
Try to be your own person no matter what road you take and don't be ruled by others !

I lost my father at 53 and not one person misses him ! I would hate to end up like that !

[becky77]

Any news on telling your Mum Michelle? I Hope things are ok, you've gone silent on us.

[flatlander_48]

It is truly unfortunate that things have gone the way that they have so far. However, I would guess that your father's reaction should not have been unanticipated (at least in concept, aside from the degree of vehemence).

Regarding the spectrum of transgender people, we cannot make people like us and accept us. We can only give them the information about what's going on and how we feel. But, we cannot create understanding for them. Everybody has to reconcile this for themselves and there will be those who will never understand. That's the sad truth of it.

The key here is that you are talking about YOUR Life. You sound relatively young, so you have many years in which you need to be happy and comfortable within yourself. If not, it will be a life of struggle and misery and that should just not happen. Above all, you must do what is right for you.

Regarding coming out in an E-mail, there are ways in which that can be very helpful. If you tell someone in person, what starts out of a conversation can quickly devolve into a arguement. That doesn't do anyone any good and may reduce the chances that all the topics you wanted to present will get talked about. If you read a message and then talk about it at some later point, the person has some time to process the message in the E-mail or letter. It may avoid a lot of the knee jerk reaction...

[Michelle789]

Hi everyone, I'm back. Sorry I haven't been on the boards the past week. I've been very busy with my boyfriend, with AA, recovering from a cold, and resting from emotional stress. I'm over my cold now.

It has been an emotionally challenging week to say the least. I would say more emotionally draining. And having to fight both a bad cold and the stress of my father's reaction made it really difficult to stay happy and made recovery very difficult. I ended up being off work all last week and yesterday, and I finally returned to work today. Yay, I'm so glad to be back at work after nearly two weeks off of work.

I finally came out to my mom on Friday afternoon. She handled it much better than my father. She wasn't surprised that I was transgender, and she seemed to be totally okay with it. I still wonder how she will hold up over the next several weeks, but at least her initial reaction was better than my father's. She has seen people come out as gay or transgender over the news, and believes it is better to live as who you really are rather than to live in misery or commit suicide over it. She is aware that people do commit suicide over gender dysphoria.

I don't think the full implications of me being trans has sunk in yet with my mom. I'm sure it will take some time. I definitely want to do a follow up with her and just to see how she is feeling.

Unfortunately, when I tried to call my mom, my dad answered the phone, and talked with me for a few minutes. He said that he wanted to speak to me on Sunday and offer an "alternative theory" behind what happened. I really dreaded even speaking to him and I didn't talk to him on Sunday. On Sunday night, he sent me an email asking why I called on a Friday afternoon, and quickly jumped to the conclusion that I lost my job. He then said that he was worried about me bankrupting the family financially. Geez, I really don't know how this is possible. I am 34. I am financially independent of him. I don't see how this is even possible. At the end of the email, he says that if I lose my job, that I am welcome to return home as a guy, and he would fully financially support me while living at home. He even wrote my male name in ALL CAPS. I honestly refuse to detransition for him, and even if he let me come home as a woman, I still wouldn't want to live there given all of his emotional abuse and negativity.

I had a long talk with my therapist about my father, my relationship with him, and his past abuse. She wants me to do a write up, similar to my coming out letter, writing down everything about how I really feel about my father, but not to send it to him, and we'll work on in therapy. She also wants me to not contact my father for at least the next few months, which I agree with. So for now we are working on how to handle my father.

My therapist also said that the amount of bullying my father is doing with regards to my transition is at the extreme levels. Lots of fathers might not approve and some might disown you for being trans. They might not let you show up as a woman to holidays and family functions, and they might mis-gender you. But the bullying he has been doing is to the extreme, and is at levels that are more common with the wives of transsexuals. Many wives out of scorn try to bully their former husbands from transitioning, but usually the fathers don't do this -- although she has seen it a few times in the past.

This is why I am needing to put a distance between me and my father, and on top of that he also is an emotional abuser about issues not related to being trans. Because my father sees his children and wife as his property. Because he is a crazy man. I think they should have gatekeeping towards who can and cannot have kids, the way they have gatekeeping towards who can and cannot transition. Right, our society says it's okay to get married, have kids, and to physically or emotionally abuse your children, but it's not okay to be transgender even though you're harming no one. No wonder our world is so screwed up. I think patriarchy thrives on seeing emotionally traumatized children.

The joys of having both dysphoria and emotional trauma from my father, oh and alcoholism too. Yay. Lucky me!!!! I am royally screwed up in the head. It's a miracle anyone would date me!!! Well, Cody understands what it is like to be trans and have had a royally dysfunctional family too!!! I now see we really are a perfect match. We truly understand each other

[flatlander_48]

M:

Remember that we define ourselves. We should never let anyone else do that for us. I think you have a pretty good idea of what needs to happen and it's a very positive thing that you are working through stuff with a therapist. However, you didn't arrive at this point in time in short order. Therefore, don't expect the benefits of therapy to happen overnight. It will happen, but try not to be discouraged with the pace of things.

In the mean time, treat yourself well. Do some things that just make YOU feel good: maybe talk a walk someplace senic, go see a good movie, have a good talk with a friend, think of something that you don't know and research it and learn about it, etc. Whatever it is, do it just for you. You deserve to have a good time just like anyone else...

[PaulaQ]

Twenty four years ago, I stopped having anything to do with my father. He died without me saying another word to him years later. (He died young - he didn't take care of himself.) I couldn't deal with his ongoing alcoholism - he was just a really toxic person. I spent a month with him at a treatment center where he'd been sent to deal with his alcoholism. At the end of that month, I realized we'd spent more time together than the combined total of our time together before. He returned to drinking within about a week of checking out. I'd tried to go to AA with him - he just went back to drinking instead.

I felt like that at that point, I'd done more for him than he'd ever done for me, and so from my perspective, my side of the street was clean. The relationship didn't work, so I ended it. It was the only thing I could do for my own safety and sobriety.

Sometimes that's just how it goes. I hope that isn't the case for you, Michelle, but it does happen, and it sure isn't much fun.

I'm really happy your mom is supportive, at least so far.

[KaceyR]

Am glad your mom's good with it Michelle.
My talk to my mom just occurred last night thru this morning actually...
I got down here to moms place last Wed, but with a lot of other things, along with my own bit of reluctance (and over imagination of bad scenarios) I didn't talk it up till last night(tues).
While I had a (too long really) letter set and did gave it to her, in the end just ended up talking it all out more, and mom was pretty understanding about it all. I think she actually did some investigation on some things even before this 'outing' as she'd cut out a couple articles from the paper regarding "transgender" topics to give to me. So she'd had it on her mind.
Gotta say, she's a cool Mom.

It is too bad on your dad...although I could likely see the same thing as yours if mine was still around.

I kind of feel bad and guilty at times for _not_ running into much resistance or issues like so many others report.
I just figure in the end, good or bad outcomes with family/friends, we have to do what we can to take care of ourselves with the issues we face. It's something we have to do to survive (transitioning) and if they don't want to support or be a part of our new lives, it's ultimately _their_ loss for not living with their heart instead of ego/closed-mindedness.

[Bria]

Michelle, I'm sorry to hear how your father has reacted and glad that your mom has reacted much better. Stay strong, it sounds like your therapist has a good plan. Good luck with it, I'll remember you and your family in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Jorja]

Ok, you have one against and one for or at least open to it anyhow. Now it is your responsibility to make them see it. Show them how much happier you are. Show them (at least let them see) how much more productive you are. For some people you have to literally paint the picture for them. Finish getting that college degree with good grades. Always show them that smile even when you really don't want too. Dress conservative when around them. You don't want them thinking you are some kind of street trash or something. Make them think that your transition is the best thing that could have ever happened in this world. It was wasn't it? Don't make it a lie but you have to win them over if you want them to accept and respect you.

[Michelle789]

Thank you all for the love and support. I live 3000 miles away from them and my dad refuses to let me visit them dressed as a woman. However, there are ways I can show them that I am better off as a result of my transition.

1. I can start with a Skype video chat and they can get a chance to read my face and see that I appear more relaxed.

2. I can visit them in NYC and let them see me in person for a few days and see how much happier I am.

3. I can tell them the facts, that are indisputable. The facts are that other people around me can sense the difference.

* Friends from AA see that I am way happier, more relaxed, and the most myself that they have ever seen since I have come out and started living authentically.
* My co-workers tell me that I seem more focused and that I have better coping skills for when trouble arises than I used to.
* My chiropractor noticed the difference too.
* At least two friends who live far away (one in Long Beach, one in Virginia) from here said they notice the difference in my voice, that from my voice I sound way happier than I used to.

None of these are part of any LGBT group. They are from different parts of my life, and from groups who don't know each other.

4. I can show them by getting my best salary ever as a woman, and doing my best performance at work as a woman. And yes, I will achieve all of this in Los Angeles.

5. I already have my first ever relationship since I started living as a woman. I just haven't told them yet. But I would like to eventually tell them about Cody.


Update:

1. I tried calling my mom after work this evening. She didn't answer the phone, and then my dad left me a message saying that he heard my mom's phone ring. He told me, in a very frantic and nasty tone of voice, that I am to never tell my mom about this. Surprise, she already knows. Oh, and he told me that if any of your LGBT friends are advising you to tell my mom, that "they're not your friends, they are our enemies, friends don't do this."

Omg, he is freakin crazy. I only wish I could upload a copy of this message, and the one he left me a week and a half ago, onto the forum so you could hear the insanity.


2. I spoke with my brother earlier this afternoon. He told me a number of things that really disturbed me. I asked if mom contacted Dr. M (my mom's therapist) yet, and he said no, they haven’t even made the appointment yet. I asked him if he spoke with Dr. K (my brother's therapist) yet, and he said yes. Dad went with him to see Dr. K. I already don’t like that Dad, who is clearly opposed to my transition, had to go with my brother to influence their thinking.

My brother is upset with the fact that I did not discuss this matter with my family first. I asked him why does my family need to weigh in on this, and he said “because we’re your family and this affects all of us.” He told me that I never come to any of them when I have a personal problem. I told him that maybe there is a reason why I don’t. I told him why I felt uncomfortable talking with them, and then he told me that I have always been like that and “In that sense you’re just like Dad, you just do things without consulting us first.”

He also asked me if my therapist asked me if I had discussed this with my family. I told him that you asked me that on our very first session, and I told you why I never said anything to my family or to AA.

My brother also said that Dr. K believes that I should have talked with my family first. my brother also said that Dr. K thinks I should fly out to Connecticut for a month and see a gender specialist at Yale that Dr. K knows. I told my brother that I would not do this. I refuse to go home for a whole month, or even for a day, dressed as a guy. Even if they let me dress as a girl I wouldn’t want to go home and turn my power over to my family.

Also, why the **** should I fly 3000 miles to see a gender specialist when I am already seeing one locally? My brother believes I should get a second opinion. Oh yeah, my brother told me I should see a gender specialist, and I told him that I am already seeing one. He obviously seems to think that a therapist at neither the LGBT Center nor the L.A. Gender Center counts.

Even if I really wanted a second opinion, why not just see someone else out here in L.A? Why fly 3000 miles and take a whole month off from work? Like seriously, my brother, and my father who I believe is really behind the whole thing, who is soooo concerned about my career, would actually let me take a whole month off from work to fly out to get counseling in Connecticut? Oh, because the truth is they really want me to be at home as part of their dysfunctional puppet show.

This is completely absurd. I am an adult woman, and they have no right to weigh in on any of this. Seriously, have you heard of any other families trying to talk their adult child out of transition like this, or try to go to extreme lengths to try to stop the transition? Transwomen who are self-supporting adults. Dr. K also wants to speak with me over the phone some time about this.

I finally asked about Mom, and he said that mom was very shocked by this and very worried about my wellbeing. I then later called my mom, and asked her if any of this was true, and she said no. She told me that she is not shocked by this. She said that she fully supports me, and her only concern was if some transphobe sees me and tries to do something. So I suspect my brother may be putting words into my mom’s mouth.

I’m not sure if Dr. K actually said any of that or that is my brother trying to put words into his mouth.

Finally, my brother said that I will always be read as obviously male in public.