Not happy that I can't mix my friends

[Launa]

Hi all, for those that know me I'm out and about en femme on some weekends and also tend to social functions that are not necessarily run by the gay community. I try to go to mainstream places as much as I can, I don't pass or blend and my outfits are "very out there"....Anyway to the point, I have friends on my ultra male side and good friends on my female side of life but I don't mix the two sides, I'm not out of the closet to my male world and it makes me mad that I have to keep the 2 lives separate.

For example if I throw a dinner party for my "male side", I couldn't invite over my good friend that has now decided to transition. I want so bad to be able to do that. You know to have everybody come together at a social function and if someone doesn't like it then they can get lost is what I would like do and say.
It busts me up that I have to keep my transitioning friends away from coming around at any given time. One day this world will change.

[Sonya]

I can relate to this, it is also frustrating for me to have two different social circles. Keeping two lives separate takes a lot of effort and cause stress. I can't stop wondering how it will be to be out to everyone but then the thoughts of negative effects on my overall life make me stop doing anything about it.

[bridget thronton]

It is hard to have to maintain two separate groups of contacts

[Teresa]

Launa,
I think at your age and assume most of your friends are the same age they are old enough and adult enough to mix !
Who knows you could have the best dinner party ever and if it's a disaster don't do it again ! We shouldn't feel embarrassed or guilty of our friends ! If someone takes exception to the situation then maybe they're not the friends you thought they were !

[Marcelle]

Hi Launa,

Yes maintaining two separate lives can be quite stressful but manageable if that is best for you. The stress of two lives was one of the reasons I decided to out myself to my male world and integrate the two. Lost a few friends but gained a few more.

Hugs

Isha

[Kate Simmons]

Seems to me it's up to you to correct this. We are only limited by our own limitations. That's one of the main things I have realized.

[Beverley Sims]

I have always kept mine separate, works for me.

[kimdl93]

Every one moves between a variety of social circles-family, work, school, church perhaps, political affiliations. For any individual , the little mixing that occurs is their own interaction between these circles. In all my life there's been relatively cross over from one to another because the people's interests and even proximities didn't allow it. I don't feel it's wise or necessary to force intermingling of people who have little in common.

[Tracii G]

Same thing here I have two social lives.I have no problem with it really.
I was with my guy friends and ran into one of my trans friends at a restaurant one evening.
I saw my Trans friend so I excused my self and went over to say hi to her.We hugged after our hello and I said see you on Sat (which was out next meeting).
Nothing was said by my guy friends.
I met one of our sisters from here one night.She came to a gig at a club the band was playing in her area.
The band members were cool with her.These were my first two experiences with mixing the two friend groups.

[Cheryl T]

It's not that you have to maintain the two separate areas, but in most cases it's best. Unless your male side buds could accept your femme side (doubtful for me I'm sure) then it's best to only "Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's" and let sleeping dogs lie...

[Eryn]

I keep my worlds separate in time and space but there is always overlap. For example I recently attended a concert in a location that is normally Eryn territory. However, I knew that some work colleagues would be there so I was in drab. Also in our block of seats was a TG friend so she was introduced to my colleagues. She's quite passable so there was no problem with this.

Still, any overlap requires caution as thing get complicated fast. I wouldn't do it with anyone who would possibly cause me trouble if they found me out.

[Alana Lucerne]

On the face of it this seems a simple one, but when I thought about it, it left me a bit uncomfortable.

I am not calling anyone out on this, I can see both sides and whichever side one choses I can understand. Some have replied that it is up to us to change it. Others have said they are fine with it. Okay.

Let's do a thought experiment. What if the groups involved were something else. How about if we think about racial groups? How would we feel if we said we wouldn't invite our native american friends over at the same time as our african american friends, or caucasian friends. I think if we were worried about that situation we might be reconsidering who we call friend. But use any groups you like. Quilting bee friends and embroidery friends. If we are worried that one group might not like the other and that would reflect on us, then I think we have chosen the wrong friends.

When I consider a dinner party, I often think of inviting people from different circles just so they can meet someone they've never met before. Who knows what new friendships might ensue between them.

So in this case, if we invite someone who is transitioning and some of our mainstream "male" friends, who knows, there might be some surprises. We might find out one of our "male side" friends is gay but has been afraid to mention it. Wow, who knew? On the other hand, if someone stomps out in disgust, well, we've learned something about them. Wow, who knew?

So, as I say, I am not laying blame or disrespecting your opinions, I am just saying that this opens up some interesting possibilities that we can consider.

Alana

[Dianne S]

Oh, yes! I hear you.

My mother says: "What did you do on Halloween?" and I say: "Oh, I wore a dress and went with my friends to a Halloween party at a lesbian bar downtown."

My coworkers say: "What did you do on Halloween?" and I say: "Oh, not much. You?"

However, I plan on going full-time eventually at which point I will coalesce the two different circles and watch the reaction.

[Ceera]

Yeah, I do hate it that the only person in my 'male side's' circle of friends that I can tell about my 'en-femme' activities is my daughter. Trying to remain in the closet with your old friends while gaining new friends as a female really sucks.

Halloween weekend, on Friday I had a blast as Ceera, going to a local gay club and entering the costume contest in a really cute 'School Girl' outfit. The next nite, on Saturday, I went to the club on my normal night, and Ceera again and I had a very memorable and fun evening. (My first real 'date' while en-femme!) But then on Sunday, I had a bunch of my male side's friends over - people who don't know about my cross dressing, and that, despite being long term and really good friends, I just don't think I could come out of the closet with. It was frustrating as all get out not to be able to chat with them about what a fun time I had at the club the prior two nights!

[bobbimo]

I feel your worry Launa!
I sooooo want to wake up some Monday morning, do my makeup and hair don my dress and never ever think about the Bob person.
Everyday I try to add one more little piece of Bobbi into my day and love it, but at the end of the day, I'm still left in between.
I discussed this with my life coach and he told me to do whats comfortable for me but be aware of the ramifications.
So this evil word haunts me and i am sure it does most of us.
Bobbi

[Launa]

Seems to me it's up to you to correct this. We are only limited by our own limitations. That's one of the main things I have realized.

Kate, if it was that easy then I would have done it by now. I have come a long way in 3 years of starting out on this venture but this is not easy.

Every one moves between a variety of social circles-family, work, school, church perhaps, political affiliations. For any individual , the little mixing that occurs is their own interaction between these circles. In all my life there's been relatively cross over from one to another because the people's interests and even proximities didn't allow it. I don't feel it's wise or necessary to force intermingling of people who have little in common.

Kim, its not even that I need folks to necessarily mingle.... Let me give you a better example. If one of my transitioning or CD friends dropped in to say hi for a half hour and then someone else called to say they needed to stop by for an hour too then my friends would obviously have to meet each other. I HATE to say it but I don't have full confidence in myself to say I don't care and let everyone meet. Depending on who it is I might tell the person that called me to not come by right now as its not a good time to do so and that I find is cowardice. That's all

It's not that you have to maintain the two separate areas, but in most cases it's best. Unless your male side buds could accept your femme side (doubtful for me I'm sure) then it's best to only "Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's" and let sleeping dogs lie...

Cheryl, this is true and wise but I am so torn on things like this that I feel like waking the sleeping dogs and if they want to be my friends then great. If the sleeping dogs decide they want to bite me then I need to shoot them. LOL