I was such a d💀@k!!!

[Donnagirl]

I've been a d💀@k....I have been in quite the purge and fight mood, up and down from Saturday last week, grumpy and argumentative... Basically very nasty and unpleasant to live with so I had a 'chat' with a former work colleague, trained relationship counsellor and co-incidentally the HR rep I 'came out' to at work. She was far more effective than the professional counsellor my work paid for previously!!

To summarise our little 'chat':

She really put my mood swinging, over reacting nonsense into perspective. Made me really examine and question why I bottle up the emotions, explored my apparent fear of true enjoyment, looked at what scares me about 'dressing' and the impact of my current (poor) choice of dealing with it.

Again came the reinforcement that while 'frocking up' may be socially embarrassing (to some), it's not illegal, it's not harmful, but to me it is beneficial to embrace and very harmful and stressful to suppress.

I have to accept that dressing brings me pleasure and a level of emotional released I cannot achieve any other way... It is not something to express guilt or shame over. So much more will be gained by exploiting the advantages. I need to get a little selfish and do what I like to do and appreciate the positive effect that it can have and does have on me (and directly or indirectly on those around me, especially my poor suffering family!) Contrast that to the negative influences.... (And red wine is no substitute, either as a drink or cross room missile!!!)

I have to accept I'm not going to shake this... It is there, will always be there and will not be effectively suppressed, hidden, denied or ignored. I need to gain control (foot off the loud pedal perhaps Katey!) and not go at it 110%...

I am to enjoy and embrace the happiness it provides. Not fear the future, live for and enjoy today. Live a lot more for me, what I really want, what I know I really want and not for my idea of what the right public perception is.

I have an enviable work, social and family support network so acting like I was is not only purile and idiotic, it's unforgivable... And finally, I must stop being a grumpy, bad tempered idiot...

So from here it's going to be a new start.... I'm going to really listen to the good advice I get and I'm going to act on it... Between what I have gotten from today's talk, all the support from you gals and the common sense that so many have tried to thump into me, I really think I've turned the page. No excuses for sliding back into the abyss again... (It's all yours Bob Ballard!!!)

If I waver, bump this post back and rub my nose in it...

Thanks to all... I'm baaaaaack!!!

Hugs,

Donna

[Jenny Elwood]

Yay! Donna's back! ...and you thought you could escape this mud pool?

[Marcelle]

Hey Donna . . . you weren't a d$#k you were just confused as to where all this is leading . . . as I said in response to your last post . . . I can relate. You perception is correct in that this will not go away and the best thing you can do is embrace it and learn to control it on your terms and integrate it into your life. You have a supportive and lovely wife who can help you along the way and your work seems to not be too concerned by Donna's appearance so you are in a good spot. I think you will find that Donna will equalize in your life once you get rid of the shame and guilt you have been feeling.

Glad to see you back.

Hugs

Isha

[Teresa]

Donna ,
It's a great backup when you know you have professional support close at hand, and you've now decided to use it and implement it !
I hope now Donna is back on track and you're on the upward slope again !

The one plus point is you have a wife that supports you after the rocky stage you had, you can tell her what has been suggested to change your attitude to CDing ! I don't have that support, therapy may help me but if you can't share it , it feels like a wasted exercise !

Most of the her advice is common sense once you accepted you're a CDer , the forum is full of information and help, not at professional level but spoken out of years of living with something different in our brains !

[charlenesomeone]

Donna, big hug, so happy for you reading your post.

[Katey888]

Donna dear...

You're not a d#@k... although from what you say, you probably were behaving like one sometimes - but who amongst us doesn't!?!

Understanding and coping with this TG thing has to be one of the toughest and screwiest things of all - accepting that something grips the manliest of men and makes them want to emulate the girliest of girls...?? Well, that would have been a ticket to an asylum not so long ago... and it's still hard today with the gender structure that exists and proliferates in society... sadly...

You'll be fine Donna - and if you get the chance (or if you know it already) try and think of this song when you're having a yo-yo moment... I know it's all about boys, but that's still a lot of who we are and a good deal of what drives our 110% side...



Boy, boy, crazy boy!
Stay loose, boy!
Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it.
Turn off the juice, boy!
Go man, go,
But not like a yo-yo schoolboy.
Just play it cool, boy,
Real cool!

Just play it cool Donna... <click> <click><click><click>

Katey x

[Jenny Elwood]

And no Donna, you are not a duck... a swan maybe, but not a duck...

[kimdl93]

No words of wisdom to offer at the moment. I'm glad you've found your way through that dark patch and have learned a few things to help you through the next one.

[Christen]

Donna, I'm so glad you had that little chat and have been able to get a better perspective on things. Looks like you are ready to accept the person that you are. Sounds easy, but for us, me anyway, it took a very long time to get to that point. But when you get there what a difference it makes! Everything says you have a very wonderful family, which also means you are a wonderful person. I'm sure they'll all be happy to see a person who is at peace with their being.

Don't waste wine, it's a sin.

Christen x

[Eringirl]

Hi Donna, Yah, you are back! Great that you were able to talk this out. I was/am in the same boat. My therapy conversations are around the same issue. This is not going away, embrace it and do what you can to assimilate the feelings.

"Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated !" (to coin a phrase....)

There is nothing illegal, or anything to be ashamed of. It is who you are, embrace all the positive aspects of it and how it helps to centre your being. Now, I realize easier said than done, but I am finding that as I am a work in progress, little steps seem to work best. And celebrate the little successes along the way, i.e., feeling good about yourself in a given situation etc.

It's all good, we are all here for each other...

Nice to see your smiling face once again !

Erin

[MsVal]

You are an accomplished fighter. Alas, you were only fighting yourself. It's difficult to say who won those fights, but easy to see that you lost.

Please embrace Donna for all her delightful qualities and learn to choose your fights wisely.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Tina B.]

Donna, as my wife used to tell me when I got in a mood like yours, "just go put on a dress!".

[Julie Denier]

Donna, so glad to see you back and more at ease

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi Donna.

Enough of the flippant remarks.

I too (still) struggle with acceptance. From your post it sounds as if you (like me) came to some form of begrudging acceptance for now. My advice: Go with it for now, no use in keeping on hitting your head against the wall, it will only lead to serious injury or make you an even dumber Aussie (sorry, had to get a jibe in). Maybe we will still one day, when the time is ripe, escape this crossdressing mudpool and soar like eagles.

[Donnagirl]

Thanks gals, didn't think I was alone in these conflict / acceptance troubles.

Hey Jenny,

It's good to have aspirational goals, but let's face it, we're just a pair of mud ducks and here we're gonna stay... Find the positives I'm told, and thinking about it, having a mud pool to bury my head in everytime I hear the cricket scores might be a good thing.

Hugs,

Donna

[melanie206]

Donna, some of your statements could be turned into the Crossdressers Creed. These are affirmative statements that can give us the right perspective when we are feeling not so good about ourselves. Thanks so much.

[Ceera]

Go for it, girl! I'm so glad you found a good counselor to chat with!

[Sarah Doepner]

Donna, your post is one that covers a lot of ground in not much space, and it's positive as well. I'm going to copy and print it so I can read it from time to time. I was pretty darn comfortable and accepting of my crossdressing not all that long ago and there is something about it that is bothering me these days. Maybe it's the self-acceptance withering away or maybe it's wanting to share it more, I don't know. But it seems that, if nothing else, you have provided an excellent recommendation on behalf of professional counseling. Maybe that's where I need to head next. In the meantime, posts like yours show there is a calm harbor to be found if we just seek it out. Best of luck on keeping your resolve and don't wait to go back and talk once again with that counselor should things slide off track even a little.

[justmetoo]

Good to hear you're back. What you wrote is all very true. Good things to keep in mind. Best wishes on your continued journey!

[Tina_gm]

I know this sounds overly simplified.... but maybe if when we are struggling, or just in general, we should look at ourselves more as a person who crossdresses, rather than a crossdresser.....