Why is it so hard to make"her" go away?

[Sarah Doepner]

Being retired and widowed, I probably have too much free time. There are a lot of things that need to be done but no pressure to get any of it done quickly, so I can and do dress quite often. While I'm dressed I don't get much accomplished in the house reorganization or garage cleaning; I'd get that skirt dirty, tear that top, snag my hose or chip a nail and we don't want any of that to happen. And since I am not out to my family who live nearby I jump at each car door I hear. So there are a variety of negatives that evidently aren't even close to balancing out the benefit I must get from the time spent crossdressed. And although I've accepted my crossdressing and realize it's not going away, I'm still not sure what those benefits are by the way.

Eventually I realize that I need to change and get out in the yard or garage or go to the store or do something else either important or required. So I begin to change, but it can take for ever. There are still outfit options I need to look at, different shoes or something becomes more important than what I've decided to attend to. I'm feeling trapped since I'm not out, but I'm also feeling trapped once I'm dressed because I don't want the experience to be finished. Who else has this kind of difficulty getting "her" to go away so you can get about your daily life? How do you overcome it, or do you?

[AllieSF]

To me, those benefits are when I am out and about as Allie having fun, and when I am out in male or female mode shopping for Allie. I think that the CD/TG Gods make it difficult to help us better appreciate those special moments when everything comes together and works, and we end up with one of those wonderful endorphin highs.

Regarding those slamming car door sounds, make sure that all your doors are locked, principal window coverings are closed and you friends and family are told to call before "popping" by. Just be consistent and you can hopefully avoid those embarrassing and maybe very difficult moments when the fear endorphins seem to take over.

[Kate Simmons]

Thirty years ago back in the days of Betamax, I bought a Beta camera and took videos of myself dancing en femme to popular songs. I watched those when I was unable to dress for whatever reason. This kept my spirit somewhat satisfied and it kept me on track for my primary focus, caring for my family. Now, being retired like yourself it's not really an issue as my free time is my own. I love going to the club and dancing en femme all night. I currently started a scrap book of female models and others. This keeps me in tune with things even when I'm not actively dressing. What it boils down to for me is just being myself in either mode and enjoying that.

[Leslie Langford]

On one level, I sympathize with you, Sarah, and many of us share your on-going love/hate relationship with "the girl". While "she" can often provide us with immense pleasure on the one hand, she sure can complicate our lives at other times as well.

But to be honest, for those of us who are deep in the closet or else subject to a difficult or unfulfilling DADT type of relationship with our wives or SO's, yours does sound a lot like one of those proverbial "First World problems"...

[Janine cd]

I've discovered that going out shopping for my feminine things is a real help in overcoming that nagging desire to remain dressed all day. I keep wearing all of my female attire under my male clothes, except for the blouse and skirt. Being here with the group also helps me cope.

[franlee]

I can relate on the situation your in to a degree, my life was in a turmoil when I was widowed and was on leave for a while.

The only thing I see from your thread is maybe to much time on your hands and still not comfortable in your life's situation. I think you may want to rethink your wardrobe to fit the needs of the day and maybe more natural for the same needs a housewife in your situation would wear. Then enjoy it without the worry or messing it up.

And I think you described the same feelings that any and all of us have when we are enjoying and actually receiving/experiencing positive sensations from the illusion by CDing. I hate to change back too but then I think of how much I will enjoy the next time and just carry on from there.

[Beverley Sims]

Sarah,
It is something you learn to live with in my opinion.
Share your life with "her".

[MelanieAnne]

My situation exactly. Retired, single, and live alone. Don't get much done anymore. Every day this summer that was sunny and nice, I headed out in the woods, to go for long walks in a sundress and sandals. I enjoyed it a lot, the feel of the breeze all over. Sometimes I laid out au natural in a clearing in the sun, to get my ration of vitamin D. Well, summers over, the leaves are down, and it's cold now. And I'm thinking about all the things I didn't do. Didn't take the boat out once. Didn't take the kayak out either. Didn't go fishing. Didn't take my usual road trip up north, or anywhere. I enjoyed what I did do. But I regret all the things I didn't do.

"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off indefinately"

[kimdl93]

Honestly, as a mature, widowed person this is all up to you. It's been a few years since I first realized that I didn't want to change back to make mode for every chore. You can, as I have, choose to dress in very causal feminine attire to work in the yard, walk the dogs or wash the windows. The world didn't come to a halt. Since then, I've dressed as annoy woman would to perform such routine tasks, even to tshirt and shorts for painting and minor remodeling.

In other words, I do t try to push this part of myself aside. But it's your choice.

[ReineD]

Well, summers over, the leaves are down, and it's cold now. And I'm thinking about all the things I didn't do. Didn't take the boat out once. Didn't take the kayak out either. Didn't go fishing. Didn't take my usual road trip up north, or anywhere. I enjoyed what I did do. But I regret all the things I didn't do.

That's too bad. I understand the need to dress but when it gets in the way of other things you like to do, then I think there is an issue.

I was involved in an activity that kept me from doing the things I needed to do for myself and my psychological health. I don't want to get into it, but let's just say that I have an addictive personality. It got to the point where I felt empty when I was not engaged in this activity. My world narrowed considerably. So I think I know how you feel.

It took me a long time to climb out of it and it was not easy, but worth it. I feel alive again now.

There are people on this board for whom the dressing is an expression of their identity, but I should think that if this is the case, presenting as a woman would serve to enhance all the other things they enjoy doing, and not replace them. If this makes sense. Anyway, I hope that you and Sarah will eventually sort it all out.

[Tania75]

I very much understand where you are coming from ReineD. There are a lot of things I never ended up doing, and found it so hard to explain to my friends, why not?.
As for dressing, now I take part in all activities, and just dress for the occasion, hardly ever a Tania.
I always set aside an amount of "me" time when I am dressed, which includes being on this forum, and have found a happy balance of living a real life, and my ideal life.

[Teresa]

Sarah,
In your situation and also at the age you are, you should be able to dress when you like, you should come first you have far less to lose !

Your situation does sound familiar but I have a wife and also a family nearby ! I just underdress and accept half way house !

[charlenesomeone]

Sarah,
Go to a thrift store and get a cheap outfit to work in. Get some coveralls to do a quick cover up if visitors come.
Outdoors, maybe some lady jeans that are plain? Plain ladies T, and flats.
I know it seems consuming sometimes, taking off the forms is the down for me, but must be done.

[Katey888]

I can sympathise Sarah...

I have to plan my time very carefully and then only get a few hours of peace, but I do think about it at other times... it works for me because it is partitioned, and it needs to be. I'm not ready or able to be open, so I have my two clearly defined modes.

Sounds to me that you're struggling with a partitioned life when what you desire (and probably could achieve easily on your terms) is an open life... I don't think there's any easy answer to this - Allie's advice is good if you want to strengthen your 'partitioning', but is that really what you want? Perhaps you need to answer that question first..? And think clearly about those benefits... I'm sure they are there...

Katey x

[Maria 60]

O yea I know exactly what your talking about. My best day is Sunday to get dressed and usually I fully dressed. Well once I am dresses I am now restricted to the inside of the house which there isn't much to do inside. So kind of dressed and now where to go. By the time I am satisfied with the dressing and wash up and clean up, at that point I really don't feel like cleaning the yard. By this time last year my yard was packed up and I was winter ready and this year I have been working Saturdays and Sundays have been for the dressing so nothing is being done around the house, and I know the feeling if I the sound of a door closing on a car and having to jump and see who it is. I also enjoy my time dressed but also must admit it is very stressful to be a closet dresser.

[PretzelGirl]

Been there, done that. Was even told I was avoiding family. I wasn't, but it gained that appearance and caused a little self evaluation. I agree with getting clothes that you are okay with doing chores in. Just a way to maximize the time even if you may not be as dressy as you would like. I had to start dedicating time to the chores or my alone time and then end it on time. If ending it is difficult, make the chores be first and the private time second. Then you get the "reward" after doing the daily chores. Or you can go full time.....

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sarah, Your two sides are so intertwined that it's hard to separate them.

[Krisi]

I am retired as well but have a loving wife who accepts or at least tolerates my crossdressing. She goes to the gym every morning and I get up and transform into Krisi. So like you, I'm putting off things that I should be doing. I do have the ability though to change back quickly if necessary and I am able to put Krisi aside to do things with my wife.

It's really all in your mind. You need to be able to put Sarah in the closet and do your "man" things when necessary. When crossdressing takes over our lives is when it becomes a problem.

[Sarah Louise]

Your situation has similarities with mine except I'm not retitred and not on my own. At the moment I have three days off work. I have promised that I will do some painting for the first two, giving me a chance to dress on the third. The only problem is I've just bought a new dress and couldn't wait to try it on. So painting is currently on hold and I'm currently dressed up!

My wife's gone to work and my son's at school but like you i'm listening for every car door in case someone comes home early. I've even strategically placed some male clothes in the garage, just in case I get caught out while downstairs. I can rush in there and quickly get changed. I even practice taking clothes off quickly!

[HollyTV]

I think that everyone one of us here can relate to your situation. Since most of us are not "out" fulltime, that means we often don't get to dress when or as often as we would like to, so that when we do have a chance, that becomes our priority and we lose our focus on everything else except for our "girl time". Of course this means that we aren't doing the other things that we probably should be doing. From my perspective it is a common problem and I know that I deal with this as well.

Why is this the case? I recently read a study that said that as we get older, our testosterone levels drop, which of course means that we feel the effects of any estrogen we have in our system much stronger than we would have earlier in our lives (whether we've taken hormones, or just feel the natural level that all humans have), which may explain some of why that desire seems to be stronger as we age. However, those of us who have crossdressed most of our lives know that in other ways, this is just part of the dual nature of being a crossdresser, the ying-yang, binge-purge, up-down cycles that we go through.

[Sarah Doepner]

Thanks for all the comments and discussion. I'm trying to incorporate most of the good suggestions into a daily routine and we can see where I go from here. I've been working on building my confidence and owning my crossdressing more but occasionally I discover I'm not ready to move beyond where I am. That realization that I'm still reluctant and afraid to share tends to put me in a bit of a funk and that, as much as anything else, is what is happening here. I'm crawling back up the slope once again and will hope to make a little more progress, you know two steps forward and 1 1/2 steps back. But I'm not going to set time frames, they invite disappointment if not met and it seems I'm just a little too receptive to disappointment. I may not be able to avoid failure, but if I do things with the proper level of expectation I shouldn't become a drama queen with the next reminder that I'm not all who I wish to be just yet.

Thanks again.

[Tina B.]

Sarah, I feel your story, heck I live a good part of it. I'm married with a supporting partner, but closeted to the rest of the world. Being old and retired, I don't get a lot done on any given day away, I just don't move as fast, and go as long as when I was younger. Add to that a cute out fit, make up to play with and wigs to style, it all takes up so much time. But I've found especially in the winter, I'm not going to open the garage door to the cold, and there for the neighbors view will remain obstructed, so a pair of skinny jean, or other women's pants an old blouse, and a pair of flats, and the garage can be as much fun as the house. I also have built a yard that gives me a lot of privacy in it, so I have a pretty good out door area I can work and play in. As far as family to close, and jumping out of your skin, I can't help you there. I've trained my clan to call before you show up, or you might have wasted a trip. Out for a walk, in the shower, taking a nap, didn't hear the door bell, and I'm good.

[marsha leanne]

wow!this hits so close to home! I am in a very similar situation, i am retired, the wife goes to her volunteer job 3-4 times a week, so i have a huge amount of time to dress. I find i jump every chance i get to let Marsha out, and end up getting nothing done around the house.
My yard is not winter ready, in fact it is out of control! My garage projects are still waiting and all the promices i made myself when i retired (projects) are still undone.
this thread has been a great wake up for me. thanks to all the answers and suggestions, I need to claw out of the fog and get things re balanced! thank you sarah for posting this!

[Annaliese]

Sarah you are not alone in this, When I am out in the garden dunning the summer, I put on an old top, enhancers then an old shirt over that, I feel so great to be out there, I have a part fenced yard, this summer one of my neighbors come over, and as we were talking, my shirt was opened and they could see my top. I did not realize it, till after they had left. Nothing change with them, so get the old grubs out, I still feel the same, but get the feeling as well.

[Cheryl T]

"She" never goes away...she just wears different clothes...

Try wearing more casual things, like jeans and t-shirts with sneakers or flats. There's no reason to ruin your good things just to accomplish something about the house.