The post reveal talk reality

[samantha rogers]

Hey Mel,

First I am really sorry for what you are going through. I know. Been there. Went through an almost identical scenario last January. It was hell.
But here is the possibly good news.
My wife and I are still together. And we are still good friends. And honey I am transitioning. No, I cannot say everything is perfect. She no longer sees me as a man (neither do I, of course), and it is still possible she will throw in the towel and leave. I live with that.
But...
...nine months and counting....we are still together.
Every day I take as good news.
And...get this...your wife agreed to counseling!
Mine wont do that. Wont read a book. Wont talk to a therapist, or look at this forum.
Id say, comparing situations, you are in a hopeful place, and better off than I was those months ago, and yet my marriage, though undeniably shaky...lol...is still standing.
I wish you all the best.
Day by day, sister, day by day.
Hugs
Sammie

[I Am Paula]

In the come out/stay in question, there is absolutely no way to predict the outcome. You may think you know everything about your spouses tolerance, and thoughts on life, love, and gender, then this happens. It proves that in all the threads about the pros and cons of total honesty, there is no right answer. I'm sorry that yours came out this way, and I hope councelling, and time will heal your marriage.

[Isabella Ross]

Mel, I know every situation is different. Regardless, two points. I came out to my wife about seven years ago. My wife, similar to Trisha's, has found comfort knowing that I am still the same person she met almost 30 years ago, and the same person she married 24 years ago--she just didn't have the complete picture at those points. Second, it's all about time. Two weeks after my reveal, my wife was still processing, and probably remained processing for a couple of years, let alone weeks. The place that she finally arrived at is a great one...supportive and participating, as long as I keep the balance. I recognize every day that I'm one of the lucky ones. Best wishes as you both move forward.

[Sarasometimes]

Sorry to hear how difficult things have become after your reveal. Finding the right therapist for the two of you is critical. I think allowing her to choose has merit but they need really understand gender expression and gender Identity issues. I went to 5 or 6 therapists who claimed to know and they really didn't. he good new is she wishes to give that a try.
I think that by you sharing such a difficult experience with this forum that others here can learn from your misfortune and consider it when they look to cross the same bridge.

The idea of suggesting this forum to your wife I feel, is a very poor suggestion at best. I don't see how anything good could come of it at this time.

[Di]

Very sorry but just remember you had yrs to get to this point of acceptance of yourself and she just now found out something she had no idea about.
Please try to get her to understand it is a part of you and it was always a part of you....just she now knows. Do not agree to things you can not do and be honest with her questions. I think her wanting to go to counseling is wonderful and please try to find someone that understands being tg.

I hope she might want to join Fab where she can talk freely and if there is anything I can do pm me.

I also think you telling her was for the best....it is for the most part far worse her finding out by accident.

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Mel, since you told me the reveal went badly I have been thinking of you daily and how difficult it must be for you as your deep love and concern for your wife has been obvious as we have communicated with each other about our CD’ing. It deeply saddens me that your wife has reacted so severely and I can only hope that with time she will begin to understand and gain some level of acceptance.

What you did in telling her was a true act of love in that you felt the need to be totally honest in your marriage and not keep such an important part of you from her. I know it took a lot of courage on your part and you deserve credit for doing the right thing despite what has now happened.

Many people seem to think that CD’ing is so odd but I tend to think it odd that so many people have such a difficult time accepting it for what it is. I think not accepting diversity in other people, especially in those that you love, is a result of some people’s difficulty in dealing with the real world around them as opposed to the artificial world they construct in their mind.

The best thing you can do now is to be strong and steady in your love for your wife and the belief in your marriage by giving her lots of time to accept. But at the same time be strong in caring for Mel and don’t deny that part of yourself that you know will never go away. It is a very good sign if she is willing to go to counselling.

Tears and Hugs,
Steph

[MsVal]

Dear Mel,

In your excellent preparation for the disclosure you read many accounts; mine may have been among them. They share some similarities.

I did not want to risk accidental disclosure, nor was I comfortable keeping secrets from my wife, and the anxiety was killing me. With the aid of many resources, including this fine forum, I felt prepared to help her understand my condition and my needs. I waited until her seasonal job was done, we had the house to ourselves, it was a nice sunny day, and everything seemed to be right. It was AWFUL. Our marriage of nearly 30 years was shaken to its core.

No amount of preparation would have been adequate. She needed (and still needs) time to process this information and become comfortable. If it were not for the underlying strength of our marriage, I doubt it would have survived. If I played any part in the understanding, it was through complete honesty (even when it made me look VERY bad), being the best husband I could be, and keeping the discussion open.

My wife has become remarkably understanding since that time. Yours may too.

Perhaps like yours, my wife had, and still has health issues. I have always been attentive to her desires and needs. This may play a part in her being sensitive to mine.

The first couple of months were VERY tense. The next couple of months, strangely, brought us closer together. Our relationship has continued to grow, and we are closer than before. Four months after the disclosure, she was helping me select clothes. Six months after the disclosure we could go through our normal morning activities (breakfast, talking, playing a board game) any day of the week, while I was dressed. It has been seven months now, and dressing is a non-issue. We can now talk about it calmly, and she even suggests times, places, and things I can do dressed. This does not mean that I flaunt it, my clothes are in our shared closet, but I am in drab nearly all the time. I respect her request to keep this between us and not disclose to family, friends, or neighbors.

Will my wife one day change her mind? Perhaps - perhaps not - I'll deal with it if it happens.


This is a really big deal for your marriage. It is hard to say what the future will bring, but two things that it won't bring are an accidental disclosure and secrecy.

I am very saddened to read of your plight but hold out hope that, given time and love, it will greatly improve.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Annaliese]

She did not ask for this, but neither did you, you are just trying to be your self, find a therapist that has understanding that this not a chose. That the problem with so may people is they think this is a chose and it is not, my wife thinks this way, and will not accept any thing else. I am great full she is tolerant but it will never get past that.

[Teresa]

Melissa,
You have given many words of encouragement with our situations now you face your own difficult challenges !
I know you have always said that you couldn't come out to your wife while she was ill and were waiting for the right time , sadly there wasn't a right time and now she's taken it badly !
She may not be the sole owner of the key you are still the same person, a caring loving husband, she hasn't lost that !
You're blaming yourself too much for something inside you can do nothing about, it's a part of you !
I hope you can resolve the situation with counselling and your marriage can get back on track but obviously not where it once was !

[Lorileah]

The idea of suggesting this forum to your wife I feel, is a very poor suggestion at best. I don't see how anything good could come of it at this time.

Even half good information is better than the wrong or none. She needs support, and what is better support than the women who are here as part of the GG forum? I am strange that way, when I need information I like to go where the experts or the people who are involved go. When you come out, you should suggest places where the other person can get support or information. I would recommend here over at least two other forums she is going to find surfing buy herself

[Jenniferathome]

.....

The idea of suggesting this forum to your wife I feel, is a very poor suggestion at best. I don't see how anything good could come of it at this time.

I completely disagree. Several women who have joined recently came here dazed and disheartened only to come to an understanding they can live with in their relationship. While Mel's wife may not be ready for this forum yet, she can find answers here from women in her exact circumstance.

[samantha rogers]

Agreed on this point. There are forums out there just filled with bile, hatred and bitterness toward TG.

[MatildaJ.]

Just another voice for giving each other time. You're stressed by her reaction; she's stressed by this new information about you. Just try to get back to living together with your normal patterns for a few weeks. If I were you, I would follow her lead, for a few weeks. Therapy for each of you and both of you does sound like a good idea, if you can manage it.

But I think the fact that you volunteered this information should be helpful in the long run, whether in reestablishing her confidence that she can trust you to tell her the truth, or in shoring up your own self-confidence that you are a good person and if this relationship ends, you will find other people who will appreciate you.

Also, I am personally very grateful for this forum and the GG subgroup. In the 15 months since I learned about my husband's crossdressing and joined the forum, it has been a life-saver and a marriage-saver for me.

[Beverley Sims]

Nowthat your wife knows and the relationship is soured a bit, you need to go slowly, very slowly so as she can see that you are not different, dirty or unacceptable to her.
Try not to get into arguments and keep the dressing side away from her as much as possible.
There will be a time that she becomes curious, reads up on it and finds out facts for herself.
Thenyou know that things are starting to heal.
It is hard abstaining from dressing, but you do want the marriage to work.
I wish you well with your torment.

[MelanieAnne]

The biggest problem for us, is that so little is known about crossdressing by the average person. And most people think crossdressers are gay, despite numerous studies showing they aren't. And when you come out to someone, the first thing they think, is that you are gay. And anyone thinking about coming out, needs to keep that in mind.

[Marcelle]

Hi Melissa,

Firstly I am so sorry about how the "reveal" went. It is unfortunate that we can never truly know how it will go with any more accuracy than the flip of a coin. The reveal will only lead to two possible outcomes (1) acceptance on some level; or (2) dissolution of the relationship.

While it may seem very dark right now, the one slight glimpse of light is that she has not left and is willing to examine counselling as a way ahead. As others have said, this is a lot to digest and it has most likely shaken the core of her understanding of your relationship/marriage. There is a lot of disinformation out there about being TG (e.g., we all want to transition, we are gay) and this could be feeding into her angst. She needs time to absorb, process and integrate and hopefully counselling will provide that venue. As others have said, ensure the counsellor is knowledgeable about gender identity and relationships. Be honest in your counselling and build trust. As things begin to unfold continue to show your wife you are the same man she married. Will she ever completely accept? I really don't have that answer and I don't think anyone but your wife can answer that particular question. Go slow, go to counselling and just build up from where you are now.

I wish you all the best during this trying time.

Hugs (and an extra one)

Isha

[Michelle (Oz)]

Mel, the outcome of your talk is almost exactly the same as mine some 2 1/2 years ago, right down to my wife calling crossdressing 'abhorrent'. Reine's advice at #12 is good. At the time, I made no promises to stop dressing but reassured her of my love. She threatened suicide on the basis that she couldn't live with me and couldn't live without me. She stayed in bed crying for 2 days.

I want to share my story to give you hope.

Over the next 9 months there were several repeat incidents where she, for example, discovered me cleaning large female shoes. Each time put her into decline again but each occasion was less dramatic. I realised that what I thought to be conditional love on her part, was indeed unconditional - just her dealing with something that to her was abhorrent.

We now have a very workable DADT arrangement and I'm out dressed some 4 days a week. She knows where my clothes are but keeps out of the bedroom. We enjoy talking about fashion (love how the weather girls dress). She values my advice when she is clothes shopping. I don't have the emotional roller coaster that comes with a wife who is involved in the dressing.

I suspect that her fears haven't eventuated and she is more relaxed. I don't dress at home at all. She has her husband and I have space to dress. Our relationship is very strong but I still can't help but wonder if it could have really stayed wrong.

Mel, it has taken time and considerable effort by both of us to heal. My wife is a special woman.

[Rebekah_uk]

Hi Mel

I am so sorry to hear that your talk with your wife didn't go well

As somebody who recently had the same talk with my wife, all i can say is listen to the sound advise given by the ladies here. The advice i received has helped my wife and i get to where we are today. Don't put a time scale on anything especially given her reaction, take time to show her that you are still the man she married.

Hope everything goes well
Rebekah_uk

[TinaZ]

Hi Mel:

Hang in there!

Some of the advice here has been fantastic. I tried reassuring my wife by underscoring how this has always been part of me. I told her I was a crossdresser long before we met. I told her if we had never met, I'd still be a crossdresser. If I had married someone else, I'd still be a crossdresser. If I had become a priest, I'd be a crossdressing priest. If I were stranded on a tropical island alone, the first thing I'd do is fashion a skirt from palm fronds. For most of us, this is as ingrained as being left or right handed.

There's the verb of cross dressing. And there's the noun of being a crossdresser. It's not something I do; it's something I am.

My wife's a smart cookie and this helped her. My mission now is to assure her she's the real beauty in this relationship. I can paint it on, but from her, it glows at all times.

Good luck!

[Samantha_Smile]

I'm honestly truly sorry that it isn't going well for you. For you both.
I think all SO/Wives have this reaction to some extent. Some have it as a phase, a passing state of mind. For others this is the last stop on the road to 'dealing with it', this becomes her opinion based on feelings.
It may sound pretty arrogant on me to say this but, an opinion based on 'feelings', and because this change is within the context of a relationship it's hard to escape feelings.
However, I think feelings can only ever be half the full picture in an opinion, you must also have information to make a choice or action.
I know it's hard, but you need to keep the lines of communication open. It's all very well saying that your wife holds the key, but you made that choice to tell her, and you did it for the right reasons, but just a bit late in the game perhaps.
So she needs to respect where you're coming from too. You can't allow either of you to dominate what happens next and what direction you move in.
You need to keep talking.

It's worth noting the above. But I think it's also worth noting that your title suggests that your reality is the reality. When it's really just one reality.
I know this because I am living one of them. There are many realities of your wife/SO being 'in on it', this isn't the end.
There are many skews and tangents that this can take.

The reason I rarely post anything about dressing and it's acceptance in the context of the relationship with my Mrs, is that it changes, and her acceptance will change with your relationship.
You will be allowed more/less freedom to dress, her ability to talk about it will increase/decrease, your guilt will rise/fall. And all this can wax and wain as frequently as a couple of months in my experience.

You're on truthful turf now, despite how long it's been left, It was difficult to do, but ultimately it was the right thing to do, and that has to earn a little respect.

I wish you both luck.

[JamieG]

We all feel for you, Melissa. And there's been lots of great advice here. Your story reminds me of my own. Over ten years ago I came out to my wife, and the following month was the darkest period in our marriage. I was not sure it would survive. There was plenty of screaming and crying from both us. Somehow, we managed to start talking, and then we were sharing the same bed, and eventually entered into a DADT relationship. I truly believe that surviving that has made us stronger as couple and brought us closer together. Obviously, I can't guarantee the same for you, but I certainly hope it will happen too. Keep talking and try to resume some of the "normalcy" of your pre-reveal lives.

[Tina_gm]

Wow, this thread shows exactly why this is such a great place for people who are in this situation we are in. Wonderful heartfelt advice from so many. And many similar stories as well. I would add mine as well, not all that different. Michelle @42, I am at a similar place and got there in somewhat of the same manner as you. It wasn't as difficult in the very beginning perhaps, but it had some rough moments.

One thing I want to add, and my wife has reminded me of this, and I have read this several times from GG's on this board. It isn't all about the dressing/femininity that is causing your wife difficulty. Some of it, perhaps a lot of it is about broken trust. There is several levels of issues your wife is dealing with, dressing/femininity only being some of it. (not that it is easy by any means)

You didn't tell her everything about you, hiding something very major that she feels entitled to know in order to make a decision about making you her life partner, and marrying. Maybe yes, maybe no on whether she would or not, but it was a major factor she was not able to work through. She now feels that she is married to someone she does not know. (my wife really felt this a lot just after the talk) My wife was also concerned that there could be perhaps much more I was not disclosing about myself, not necessarily CDing wise, and even of what I told her, she was weary of how truthful I was.

Then there is simply the basic idea of change, brought on her without any feeling of control on her part. Add in all of the elements of society not being overly accepting of this..... But, I can also say that after almost two years, my marriage has survived, and just last night, my wife told me she loved me and wants to stay together forever. I of course reciprocated the same. It was merely her and I reaffirming to each other our love and commitment, and not brought out by any specific argument or issue that moment.

I have a Do not show arrangement. CDing and my gender issues are talked about, sometimes even joked about from time to time. I also have to remember that it took me nearly 30 years for me to accept myself, I should not expect my wife or anyone else to do so in less time. With exception to actual participation, my wife has come a long long way in her acceptance of me. This is coming from a woman who was raised on a dairy farm in a ultra conservative religious background, with her ex husband or any prior BF not being in any way remotely feminine. I can say considering all of the complexities of my situation I am very lucky. It has taken the two years more or less to get to where she and I are today. Overall slow and steady progress in her acceptance and comfort level of me overall, and yes, a lot of ups and downs along the way, on both our parts.
I wish you the best.

[Tiffany B.]

Hi Mel,

I was (partially) discovered this morning by accident... I lied through my teeth and disregarded the enquiry by a family member. However I soooooo wanted to have that "reveal" talk with them and be able to take one more step out of the closet. Except I was too riddled with guilt and couldnt bring myself to it. All day long I've ping ponged inside my head how the talk would go... half of me said it would be met with acceptance.. the other half said it would come as a shock, surprise and down right losing all respect in me.

I came on here just now to share my concerns and problem, but after reading your thread, it put it all into perspective for me.

As much as I feel badly for you, I have to thank you for sharing your experience and letting us all know what we can lose if the other person doesnt accept it like we do. I have nothing but the absolute best wishes for you and yours.. and also wanted to let you know that you're not alone..

Thank you !

[Stephanie Morgan]

Melissa
My heart goes out to both you and your wife. I hope everything works out for you as you would like and I wish you all the best.

hugs
Stephanie

[Madilyn A.]

Hello Mel,

I am so sorry the "talk" didn't work out. Sometimes one has to take a step back to move forward. This often is the case in relationships unfortunately. Your wife needs time to sort things out. Hopefully she will come to realize that Mel is you as much as the man she married. Without Mel, your personality would have been different and you would not be the same person who attracted her in the first place. I do hope this works out for you. Something tells me it will.....Madilyn