10 things I'd wish I'd known sooner about crossdressing

[Eringirl]

Nice List Jennifer! Good to have all of this info gathered together in one post. "sticky" any one ?

I agree with the make up journal. When I had my first make over at Sephora, they made notes for me and have a really need "teaching" aid of a women's face and they were able to apply the make up to the photo to show you how and where to apply etc. I still reference that to this day. I can go from Drab to "Fab" in 30 minutes now. But I like your journal idea for sure! will help when I try new things.

And yes, talk to people!! Last month when I was in a store in the mall, the was a new mom holding a new born. I couldn't resist. She was thrilled to receive compliments on how good she look having recently given birth and how cute her baby was. You are correct, she didn't even notice me that much, we were focused on the baby.

Erin

[kimdl93]

All good stuff.

[binair10]

Hi Ressie, I have always gone into`ladies shops`dressed in drab. Never had any trouble. I have 2 shops that I visit every week and the SAs know that what I buy is for myself. I made that clear to them when I first started to shop there. Never had any problems,
as they are there to serve not criticise. I must say that I have never had a problem wherever I go or whatever I buy. Also, if the shop is not a well known high street name (small privately run shops) you can normally get a better service. Asking the SA what else they have on sale (but not on show)has worked for me in the past. I have brought some beautiful underwear that was hidden away in the back of the shop.

Julie.

[CONSUELO]

Some useful advice. I particularly like #1. It does not go away and what is more discomforting, it changes in intensity and expression with time. I was not prepared for the latter.

[Isabella Ross]

Excellent list. Perhaps you could get it on Letterman before he retires?

[Lexi Moralas]

Great post thank you for sharing your experience !

[Michelle 78]

Thanks Jen, great post!

[Kate Simmons]

Good list Hon but since there exists no "Crossdressing 101", "Crossdressing for Dummies" or "How to" books, we usually have to "wing it" and/or make it up as we go along. Such is life.

[Tracy Hazel Lee]

I even have an alternate 'blingy' phone case. WHY NOT?

[audreyinalbany]

on #7…I'm not sure I would want to "pass out" in town….

[aly01]

Good thread jenn. # 4 is very good

[Kim_Bitzflick]

Jennifer,

This is a great list. The only thing I would add is that famous quote "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." We are our own worst enemy.

[AnneC]

This is a wonderful list, full of great observations. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[Kallyope]

Thank you so much for putting this list together, and I couldn't agree more.

Particularly on the fact that it does definitely not go away. And mainly because of that I so wish I had been born a girl.

[Ally 2112]

Have to agree this is a good list

[Christen]

I'm seconding the nomination for 'Post of the Year'!
Thanks Jennifer!

Christen x

[liz.thomas]

Maybe it should be a sticky thread? Great post!

Liz

[justmetoo]

You make a number of good points! (this one goes to 11)

[Sometimes Steffi]

I'm assuming that #3 you're shopping in guy mode, but in #5 you're in fem mode. I've never shopped en femme, but either way it seems better to start a nice conversation with the SA. Many will think you're weird when they see you come back a few times buying more female clothing, so I've only admitted that I'm shopping for myself a couple of times. But if there's no dialog, there's a bigger chance they'll think negatively. For me, it's a difficult step to come clean.

Regarding Shopping in Guy Mode (#3), if I've shopped without an SA and just bring my purchases to the cashier, I neither confirm nor deny.

Cashier: I'm sure she'll love that.

Me: Yes, I'm sure she will.

Regarding Starting a Conversation (#5), it works great in guy mode too.

Me: I really love that perfume.

Me: I hope you don't mind me saying it, but those shoes are really cute.

I even helped a GG pick out jewelry to match a dress she was buying

[Janine cd]

' impressed by your advice. I ,too, have purged too many times and have come to realize that crossdressing is a lifetime commitment. As for the makeup guide and accessories, I am concentrating on these same objectives as we speak.

[Babbs]

Excellent list Jennifer...I wish I knew those things years ago as well. I particularly like #11. A few girls on here recommended Florence's Fashions to me. (also in Mass) Once I went and met the owner Barbara, you couldn't keep me out of her store. I've learned so much from her and she gives me so much confidence to venture out in public en femme. I've learned what works and doesn't work for CD'ers from her. If you can find someone like that, especially if you are closeted it makes all the difference in the world with your "en femme" lifestyle.

[Donnagirl]

So I've finally learnt (accepted) that number one is true... Only took forever to learn that.

The rest I whole heartedly agree with, especially talk, find support, find friends and do everything you can to meet them. There is no better way to come to terms. Ok I'm a freak, but I'm not a unique freak!!

[DebbieL]

Some more that I would add to that top 10 to make it top 20

12 - Talk to someone, anyone - many of us keep our secret too well, which can be very lonely. Often our self esteem suffers as well.

13 - Learn to BLEND - You don't want to be the prettiest, sexiest, or most feminine girl in the room. Dress appropriate to you age, weight and situation and you should blend in so well you won't even be noticed - you'll just be another woman.

14 - It's not a beauty pageant - human nature is to compare our insides - with all our self doubts, fears, insecurities, and secrets, to others' outsides, the best face they have created to make everyone think they are superior. Even the girl on the cover of Cosmo doesn't look like the girl on Cosmo. When you see a woman who looks too good to be true, it's probably because she is. Often, for a photo shoot, the model will literally be sown into a dress or pants to make them look unnaturally skin tight, they use boob tape to maximize the cleavage, and the blouse is pinned to the bra so that the bra is just barely hidden. The model works out 4-5 hours a day - dance, yoga, and weights to sculpt her body, then knows how to pose for the camera so that the photographer can get 50-60 good shots, only 2-3 of which are great shots, and only one of those will be on the cover. If you look better than half the women in the building, and not as good as the other half - you are doing very well indeed.

15 - Don't assume you're being read. When you are walking in a crowded place, look at other women, especially older women and heavier women, imagine that they are actually guys rather than girls. That way when someone in a crowd shouts "oh my god, she's a guy" you won't be looking for who said it, making others think it's one of those other women.

16 - Body language speaks volumes - one that gave me away all the time was the head nod. Men regularly nod to each other as they pass each other on the street, it's a very informal version of the bow - a show of respect for the other man. We do it instinctively because at one time in our lives, not giving the nod could result in open and even violent confrontation. Women don't look the approaching man directly in the eye and nod, they look to the side and slowly tilt to the side and down, an informal version of the curtsy. Sit with your knees together, when you bend to pick something up, cross your legs slightly so your knees don't spread and put on a show. Study how women move differently. If possible, have a woman coach you - 4 hours with a woman who knows the differences (and most women do), can eliminate hundreds of "tells".

17 - Learn to move - motion is a big tell. Taking ballet or modern dance is a good way to learn the same kinds of gentle fluid motion that women spend years learning - often starting as young an 4-5 years old. Wear a long necklace with a pendant on the end, when you can walk down the street at a brisk pace without moving the pendant, your hips are moving correctly. Many genetic girls practice with a book on their head - often in "finishing school" modeling courses, or in a dance program. At one time, this was a practical skill, the mother would carry a water jar on her head while carrying a baby in one hand and some food from the market in the other. Not having a head that was reliable could mean two trips.

18 - Think about what you really want. If you knew when you were 6 that you wanted to be a girl, and you've wanted to be one ever since, you shouldn't tell someone you're a cross-dresser - just to try and keep them from freaking out. Each time you deny what you really want, it's a form of suicide. If your heart, mind, and soul are female, and you keep trying to deny it, you are killing the real you in order to keep the "Facade You" respectable. Ultimately, it will come out and you will seem even more dishonest and untrustworthy.

19 - Separate the boy and the girl - No matter where you are on the transgender spectrum, you want to try and think about your male and female as two separate personalities. Each has different strategies for survival, each has different likes and dislikes, each has different experiences of life. As a boy, you were told "Boys don't cry" - remember Tom Hanks saying "There's no crying in baseball". Alpha males are bread and raised to be soldiers, to go into combat, and if taken prisoner, to avoid showing any weakness to their captors or jailers and fellow inmates. They have also been raised to exploit weakness in others. The Alpha male wants to be "top dog" and will fight to stay on top, no matter who gets hurt.

A traditional girl on the other hand, is trained to be a mother, to nurture, to be more submissive. Feminism has changed that, and more women are learning to adapt the skills of motherhood to the workplace, very effectively. They are much better at forming teams and keeping them cohesive, and are good at making sure that everyone who contributes to the effort feels valued and appreciated. Many women lead volunteer organizations or groups while raising the children, those skills translate very effectively into leadership roles.

20 - Who are you?

- By looking at what you like about being a male, and what you like about being a female, what you don't like about each, what you would like to try in each, you can begin to define both your male and female roles, identify your male and female strategies. What about the boy irritates the daylights out of people? What about the girl do people like? For example, my wife notice that Rex tends to "motor-mouth", talking non-stop for 30 minutes to an hour or even 2 without stopping, while not expressing anything personal or important. Often, it would turn into a "factoid dump filibuster" - which I eventually realized was designed to help me avoid painful or unpleasant subjects. Debbie on the other hand, would really listen, and then share her real feelings, sometimes crying as someone told her a story that expressed pain, and cried even more when moved, touched, and inspired. Take a look at when and where you use the "girl talents" even when you are in the suit.

[JenniferYager]

The NOD! I noticed I did it today quite by mistake and the guy looked back at me in confusion. SO TRUE!

[Beverley Sims]

Jennifer,
Just experienced all those things you mentioned in San Franisco.
Even had to walk after the power failed to the cable car museum.
That.... keeps you trim taut and terrific.

Have to look up tg fashions now are they in the Boston area?

A bit colder here than San Francisco though.