Growth vs. Happiness

[Rachel Smith]

The quotes here are from Sara's post here http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...25#post3632925 I just didn't want to hijack the OP by Promethea.

I am not the most articulate person here but I will try my best to explain what I meant in Promethea's thread.

I don't know about the whole "just-live-your-life-and-be-happy" philosophy because I don't believe that is possible and a person's goal in life shouldn't be to seek "happiness". I do what I do because I feel that it will help me grow and putting my life on hold for my mother/family was impeding my growth. I believe a person's goal in life should be to seek "understanding of oneself". And people like us will never understand our true selves and potential if we were held back for whatever reasons. But understanding oneself is an arduous process and there's no guarantee of happiness at the end of the tunnel, hence many people chose "happiness" over "understanding".

I spent most of my life depressed and sad with a head full of lightning bolt thoughts diagnosed with ADD. No matter what I did, where I lived, whether I was in a relationship or alone. There was no happiness thus no personal growth. I felt I didn't feel I fit in no matter where I was or what I was doing thus no happiness and no personal growth. In your use of happiness, as I see it from your post, if I choose happiness over understanding I would have stayed as I was. That would have made them happy but not me. When I understood myself the happiness just happened. If I just wanted to be happy I would have continued to abuse drugs and alcohol, didn't make me happy but I didn't care either. I no longer take my ADD meds and I am a much more focused person.

I wouldn't subscribe to the fallacy that humans are born to be happy so I don't expect myself to be happy, at least not all the time. Humans wade through ups and downs in order to find meaning for themselves. It is one the existential questions all humans ask ie "what is my purpose in life?".

I don't feel you are "born to be happy" but through growth and understanding oneself you can be. No one is happy all the time and that is not the happiness I refer to. There is life along with it's daily problems. The happiness I refer to I would equate to satisfaction. When I lay my head on the pillow at night I am happy/satisfied with my lot in life.

What is my purpose in life? Hell I still can't say what that is but perhaps part of my purpose is to show others that there are many ways to get through life and maybe showing others that me being TS and having to get through life differently then others born in a male body is part of that purpose.

I get this feeling that you wanted your family involved but was afraid of causing more harm than good. However, you did not mention "why" you wanted your family involved. Is this related to "happiness" or "personal growth"? Happiness is not always synonymous with growth.

Who are you afraid of harming them or you? Living a my life as a lie was harming me. When I made the decision to live what I felt the mental anguish that was harming me left. I may have hurt some people close to me but I certainly didn't harm one of them.

I have experienced much personal growth while going down this path and so have most of my family members and some friends. Those that didn't want to grow with me don't talk to me anymore and I am OK with that. On the other hand those that have have told me many times they have never seen me this happy/satisfied in my entire life. They now know the real me and are glad they do.

I don't feel you can go through this experience and not come out more happy/satisfied w/o a ton of personal growth. It is about personal growth and self-discovery those two things alone will make you a happier/satisfied person.

[Rogina B]

That is the "type of happy" that I speak of. Goes with "satisfaction"..How we get there is individual..Life has many paths to choose from. Great post!

[CarlaWestin]

IMHO, happiness and personal growth are just desirable byproducts of going through the chosen or encountered gates of life's progression. After years of trying to figure out the meaning of life, it dawned on me. It has nothing to do with me. The meaning of life is to create new life. Everything else is just superfluous. Life is a continuous mountain climb with occasional plateaus where we rest and assess our state of happiness, personal growth, etc..... We can choose the path we take. But, that choice is only one fork in the road at a time, with a fuzzy vision of the future we desire.

[Jorja]

For me Growth and Happiness go hand in hand. I must grow to be happy, I must be Happy to Grow. Happiness is future oriented and it puts all its eggs in someone elses basket. It is dependent on outside situations, people, or events to align with your expectations so that the end result is your happiness.

Each personality type has a different idea of what it means to be successful. Self-knowledge is one common goal that will help everyone achieve personal success. So many people are hung up on somebody else's idea of what it means to be successful, and they are unaware of what is truly important to them. This is completely normal. We all have important role-models and influencers in our lives who may have basic values that are quite different from our own. If this is the case, it's important to recognize that the discrepancy between what we have been taught is truly important and what we personally believe to be truly important is due to a difference in perspective. If we spend our time and effort trying to meet somebody else's idea of success, and ignore or belittle any conflicting messages from our own psyche, then we will find ourselves exhausted and unhappy. Realizing what is truly important to us is a major step towards achieving personal success and happiness.

While all this is good, happiness is not Joy which I think is what we all are really looking for. Happiness is not Joy because joy is not external, it can't be bought and it is not conditional on someone else's behavior. In fact, joy is not contingent on anything in order to exist. Joy is a spiritual quality that is internal. Joy comes when you make peace with who you are, where you are, why you are, and who you are not with. When you need nothing more than your truth and to be at peace with that truth then you have settled into the abiding joy that is not rocked by anything.

[KellyJameson]

Happiness is a state that comes out of another. A content child with an ice creme cone is in a state of bliss.

They are fully immersed in the "sensual moment" of the experience without concern for yesterday or tomorrow.

My own personal opinion is being born misaligned with your body (GD) comes with consequences that take on the appearance of mental illness early in life that prevent knowing the experience of the "ice creme cone"

You cannot experience "bliss" and everything is "dulled"

Anxiety is one of them and I have seen how this anxiety can be misdiagnosed as ADD but it is actually the GD.

GD (misaligned) is a "state" that defines how happiness can be known and experienced.

Because of our natures (circumstances and state) we have a different relationship to happiness and on an existential level we are prevented from the possibilities available to those who are not transexual.

GD is "crazy making" instead of "you have GD because you are crazy" from the "unnatural limits" imposed on you.

The power of identity and the need to live it decides the experience of "happiness"

You cannot know happiness in all its forms without being in "physical possession" of your identity.

A person can spend a lifetime denying this fact but they will always come back to the beginning from their unhappiness being perpetual by not living their actual identity.

We must always move toward our truth as an act of self discovery and actualization.

Life is movement and the dead are very still indeed.

[DebbieL]

I'm sure it's been said before - "Those who seek happiness can never find it, those who don't find it everywhere".

I was practically cursed from the beginning, my mother suffered from acute depression, was probably bipolar, and my father was a bit transgender and I was a type-6 transsexual - all of this known before I was 7 years old. But my mother had survived scarlet fever and polio (and could walk without assistance), my father had survived asthma. I had asthma as well. It would be hard to imagine how I could be happy.

On the other hand, because of all this, I learned that there was no shame in asking for help when it was needed. I saw therapists, I did 12 steps in both AA and NA, I got connected to Landmark Education where I not only took their courses, but also assisted in them.

The first thing I had to learn with each of these programs was that there were things that I couldn't just "will" away, in fact, "will" was often part of the problem. I had to figure out that I wasn't the center of the universe, even my own, and that I should listen to and support others.

First thing is believing that it CAN get better. You don't have to know how, you don't even need evidence. The main question is "are you willing to do what it takes to make the change?

The second thing is to put the past in the past. Writing often helps, especially when we tell the same sob story over and over, as the good reasons why we STILL haven't changed it. Who hurt us? What did they do? How did we feel threatened (Self Esteem, Security, Ambitions, Friendship, Love and/or Sex are good places to start). Then we begin to cross examine? Where did WE react poorly, did we argue, retaliate, express our anger, gossip...
Then we try to imagine how they might have felt threatened by our actions (same areas), the story doesn't have to be true, only something we believe could be true. We can look at how we have made them wrong, how we have invalidated them, how we have harmed them.

We also need to look at our fears, there are so many fears that were created by a 6 year old, a teenager who doesn't belong, or someone who realizes they are on their own for the very first time. Fears created when we were too small to know how to change things. The problem is that we are now grown up, we are adults, we will never have to endure the kind of pain we experienced as a 6 year old, but we need to remember it as something that happened, in the past, and won't happen again, because we are older, bigger, and the rules are different. The other thing we can begin to be aware of is that others have exactly the same kinds of fears that we have. They are doing their best to hide their fears from us. We begin to have compassion for them, and think of how we can help them not be so afraid, of us at least.

Finally we want to look our love and sex lives. This is where we can begin to see how selfish, dishonest, and self-seeking we can be, some of us have kept secrets for decades, there are even some of us who have kept secrets from our own spouses for decades. So much of this deception is to hide feelings of shame, guilt, and despair, not at the secret itself, be it cross-dressing, transgender, or other "kinks", even normal men have desires for things they are terrified to ask for. No, the real suffering comes from the dishonesty, and all of the fear and selfishness that keeps it in place. We are masters at imagining the worst case scenarios if we were to be honest. If we were honest, would she leave? Would I get beat up? Would my kids hate me? Would I go back to those worst years when things were so bleak? Would I become self destructive (again?)? In my worst case scenario, I imagined ending up losing my job, living in a shelter, never seeing my children again, never falling in love again, and getting harassed or even violently attacked by grown men.

The next question, and the hardest one - am I willing to let go of what has been, for what could be? Am I willing to take the committed actions, to make promises to myself and others, to keep those promises, to actually live consistent with something bigger than myself? Am I willing to clean up the messes I've made, doing what is needed to make it right?

Next, comes the process of actually talking to those in our past, cleaning OUR side of the street, being 100% responsible for everything that went wrong, and giving them 100% of the credit, and gratitude for the things that went right? Can we do that with parents, spouses, bosses, coworkers, even our own children?

Sometimes, there is loss, necessary loss. We can try to avoid it, but it only prolongs the pain. But once we have let go of the past, including the people, places, and things that bring back painful memories, we create the opening to create a new future. We begin to experience coincidences, because we are being authentic, all those things we thought could never happen, start showing up and are offered to us as if it would be a gift to them to accept it. We sometimes find ourselves overwhelmed by all of the different opportunities that are available.

Even more important, we begin to experience the joy of helping and serving others. This is the domain of true happiness, taking the coaching and support others give us and excepting it as their way of saying "I love you", and finding ways to help others, to be of maximum service to our families, our friends, our community, our companies, our industries, our world. We begin to inspire others, and they begin taking that inspiration to do things that even we ourselves thought to be impossible.

LGBT people have done extraordinary things, partly because they have such a bigger perspective. Alan Turing created the computer that cracked Hitler's Enigma code, Elanor Roosevelt started the end of segregation in the armed services, and planted the seeds for the end of segregation, she also helped establish the United Nations. There were a dozen cross-dressers, transgender, and transsexual people who have played critical roles in the creation of the personal computer, the internet, and most of the technology we use today. Many are deliberately anonymous, because they knew that too much fame would make their transgender expression nearly impossible. Many become more well-known after they have transitioned, but even then, not always as transsexuals.

Happiness is found in the pursuit of worthy goals. Not even the achieving of them is as exciting as the active pursuit and the smaller successes along the way to turning the impossible into the possible, and the possible into reality. And no one knows better how to do that than a transsexual.

Debbie

[sarahcsc]

I don't feel you can go through this experience and not come out more happy/satisfied w/o a ton of personal growth. It is about personal growth and self-discovery those two things alone will make you a happier/satisfied person.

Mm... Its all relative isn't it?

We are happier in the end, but only relative to what we experienced before. We can only say to ourselves (and to others) that we are happier than before, but the sadness must remain.

I see myself as a much happier person today, but not without a price. On good day, I tend to focus more on the former, but on a bad day...

Growth has taught me that happiness exists alongside sadness. You must have been through a lot to arrive at who you are today, you must have paid a price, so did every one here.

I don't believe in miracles. I don't believe families will just suddenly come to accept transsexual folks without doing the work (ie. communicating, reflecting, educating themselves etc). And most of all, I don't believe human beings are capable of unconditional love. Everything has a price. Even a mother's love. I talk to mothers who don't want their children for a living so I know.

The only question is, what is the price are you willing to pay?

Bear in mind that we probably represent the minority of TGs/TSs/CDs folk, and there are probably many others who are still biting the bullet and hoping to carry their secret to their graves. Maybe the price of coming out was too high for these people.

Who knows?

Love,
Sarah

[PretzelGirl]

Sarah,
I am sorry that something has come to make you think the love of a family member has a price. Part of being a family is unconditional love. Families should grow close and support each other without long explanations. Maybe we want to learn more once things slow down enough, but that shouldn't stop the initial love and support.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

"personal growth" is a euphemism for improving your quality of life..

happiness, peace, fulfillment, etc...these are all things that anybody can strive for...but there are no guarantees, and many people start way behind or ahead of others in this regard..

Money can't buy happiness, and neither can transition.

Saying we can only be happier relative to how we felt before doesn't move the ball. Of course this is the case! How could it ever be different? Everything is relative to everything else.

[Bria]

Jorga's post is very well thought out and I agree wholehearted, but I would add that I think happiness can not be a constant state. Life always throws us some lemons and we will experience periods of sadness, but then as happiness returns to our life we can see the contrast. Another way of looking at it might be to think of an average of sadness/happiness. If your periods of sadness are relatively short and periods of happiness long then the average happiness.

I personally am happy when I'm learning new things (personal growth) and am satisfied with my life in general, so I think all of the terms work together as we assess our own place/status in the continuum of life.

My 2 cents!

Hugs, Bria

[Carlene]

A very philosophical thread.

Happinness, I believe, can be defined in many ways on several levels. Furthermore, listening to and understanding the clearest of definitions is still subject to each person's intuitive belief system. Can we be happy without growth? I think some can. Can we grow without finding happiness? Once again, I think some can.

Thank you Rachel, for a thought provoking thread.

[Annaliese]

Growth in accepting your self, is the first step in learning to be happy. Looking at your picture, your smile there is happiness there.

[Kimberly Kael]

As with all matters philosophical, I don't think you'll get widespread agreement. I'm not even sure I'd agree with myself given some time to contemplate my own position! The closest I've come to a durable outlook on the subject is "the meaning of life is to give your life meaning."

For me there's definitely an element of growth that is essential to feeling truly fulfilled. Part of what makes it hard is that maximizing for short-term happiness and long-term are often entirely at odds. Avoiding a confrontation, or indulging in a mindless activity instead of tackling a big project are obvious examples of short-term reward with long-term cost. They're tricial examples, though, compared to thinking through bigger life decisions. Will coming out make me happier in the long run? Changing jobs? Getting married? To complicate things further the answer to all of the above depends on how I go about it. A great opportunity can easily be sabotaged by a poor decision.

All in all, I tend to find that I've been most fulfilled, happiest, and at peace when I've successfully navigated a tricky challenge in my life. I've been the most disappointed when I fail to live up to my own expectations. So my life is a balancing act of knowing what to take on to pursue the next emotional high, and how not to dwell on the inevitable lows but rather to accept that I can learn from them and improve my odds for the next big decision to come my way.

YMMV

[Kaitlyn Michele]

There is a huge difference between "being happy" and finding happiness and fulfillment in accomplishing something..its a good distinction....or in our case in reaching whatever gendered goal we set for ourselves...

way to many people say they are not happy because their lives didn't turn out as planned but they cannot articulate exactly what they had planned for their lives...

sometimes its also helpful to use feelings of happiness and accomplishment (vs feelings of emptiness and is that all there is type of thinking) to make decisions over what to do next...

although some things are permanent , they are not always final...and making tough choices and executing on tough decisions is life for everyone not just transsexuals...

[LeaP]

T

There is a huge difference between "being happy" and finding happiness and fulfillment in accomplishing something..its a good distinction....

It's a BIG distinction. It's possible to be happy and quite empty at the same time.

[Rianna Humble]

the meaning of life is to give your life meaning."

Since we seem to be on a philosophical bent, I always thought that that was 42

[Kaitlyn Michele]

T

It's a BIG distinction. It's possible to be happy and quite empty at the same time.

Ganja ganja ganja

[mbmeen12]

I don't feel you can go through this experience and not come out more happy/satisfied w/o a ton of personal growth. It is about personal growth and self-discovery those two things alone will make you a happier/satisfied person.

I was speaking to my wife the other night about this same subject but the conversation turned to soul mates who help each achieve said Growth vs. Happiness.
Thank you all xox Kara

[noeleena]

Hi,

Being happy ....and Growing ....

As a kid i was known as the happy kid who was allways smiling .

Yet underneath that was some details that had you known, you would wonder why , why am i happy, i ran away from home there was abuse in the home and i,v touched on this before ,

Being so close to being killed by yea well ....a ...father and that would have been my Mom and i so we flee to stay alive, so no father ,and im still happy yes i know im weird, and 67 years later im still happy i wonder why ,

Growth ,

okay , yes i have grown and matured as a female should and have become a mature woman in the process and to grow in to who i am , i sure had to learn a few things and i did from many friends and Mom Yet it was Jos who helped me so much Jos was my wife, yeap you got it right and she gave birth to our children 4 of because i was not able to ( only one did not make it , )

maybe because of things that happened to Mom and I , i was quite mature and grown up for my age and that came from one Head master at school gee they actualy took notice of me ,
funny that ,plus i was a bit serious and quiet a lot of the time
,so for myself am i happy because i,v grown up or am i grown up and become happy , or maybe i dont really know because i,v allways been happy

...noeleena...

[LeaP]

Ganja ganja ganja

Waaaaaayyyyyy too far back in the past, Kaitlyn!!!