Can't support my BFF.

[I Am Paula]

I wrote a few months ago about my BFF, and leaving a suicide note on Facebook. She resurfaced a few days later, apologized for putting me thru hell, and had a pretty stable couple of months.

She is under employed, and on the verge of losing her apartment. It is safe to say that transition has been devastating to her.

Today she sent me a PM that simply said 'Don't worry, a friend has taken me to hospital, I can't take this any more'. No mention of what hospital, if she has harmed herself, or any other detail. Of course, her phone rings, and rings.

I shall now jump in my car, and go find her. Again.

Here is the crux of my problem. I buy Em's groceries, fix her car, and 'lend' her rent money. I love her dearly, but I don't need a fifty three year old dependent. I'm well off enough that this hasn't been too much of a burden. I don't know how to break free from her, nor do I want to, but something has to give. I will forever 'support' her, but I've got to stop 'supporting' her.

Please, suggestions. I will always keep Em as my best friend, and I don't want to seem like a schmuck, but the gravy train has to stop somewhere.

[melissakozak]

Paula,

You can support your friend, but you must also establish healthy boundaries as to how much you are going to help her. You and I both know for some of us, transition up ends life in a huge way. Obviously this is the case with her too. Your friend still has obligations, and if you decide to help her out, get stuff down in writing in front of a notary public. I loaned a friend nearly 1,000 dollars a couple of years ago. I got back $60, nothing was in writing, and then this so called friend stole some diamond rings and had them hocked at a pawn shop. Needless to say, I did get my rings back after involving the police, but that 1 grand is toast now because I have no proof. You are obviously compassionate and care a great deal, but save yourself emotionally by setting up some limits and realize she has some responsibilities regardless of how bad things are....

[Aprilrain]

That's a tough situation Paula, I've been through it myself with a roommate when I was in my mid twenties. Unlike you though, I was fine with cutting ties with this person as they had started using meth and become very eradic.

My only suggestion for you is to find the strength to let her go, it's not your responsibility whether she sinks or swims, lives or dies. That doesn't mean you can't spend time with her or be her friend but it does mean you have to stop running around after her cleaning up her messes, emotional or otherwise, and put your wallet back in your purse!

By the way, it seems very passive aggressive and manipulative of her to send you a message saying she's in the hospital but not telling you why or where or what condition she is in! It's as if she is testing to see if you will jump through the hoops to find her!

[vicky_cd99_2]

When we help people we help them. When it is continual we are enabling them. I had a similar situation with a family member. I love my family and would do anything for them. But there comes a time when you keep helping them financially it becomes expected. When they don't do things to change their situation and conditions you have to stop giving to them. I tell them now that I am tapped. If it wasn't family and was my friend it would test their loyalty when I cut off the funds. If they stayed my friend then they truly are my friend. If they get mad and stop being my friend then they never really were my friend.

[Kathryn Martin]

We all get into situations where we enable behavior that is both unhealthy to the one that we are supporting and the for us as well. Sometimes we need to take a step back and understand that making our friends dependent on us is no support at all in the end. It sems to me that the message sent by her is also loaded with words that are designed to create guilt in you. She subtly makes you feel that somehow you failed her by not being sufficiently aware that she was having a hard time.

Not every failure is external. Maybe you need to support her by supporting her supporting herself.

[Frances]

Alliterations aside, what Kathryn said.

[I Am Paula]

Thanks all for the mostly unanimous advice. This is of course the feelings I've had for some time, cut the tether, and see how she floats. This is also so much more difficult than it sounds. One thing is that if she were cisgender, it would be easier. I understand, and empathize with her situation, not to mention, a soft spot for trans people. How could I watch as she goes into a shelter? I'm sure these are not nice places.
Once again, I'm sure I will wait til she resurfaces, and take her food shopping. It's tough to take the hard line.

[Suzanne F]

Paula
I have been in this situation many times when working with other alcoholics. I have a suggestion. Make any future help based on actions by her. If she isn't actually making steps to become healthy and independent then you can't help her. Make these boundaries clear and stick to them strictly. I applaud you for helping her!
Suzanne

[KellyJameson]

Reflecting back over my childhood, teens and twenties I realize I was one of those people who was always rescuing others.

It is interesting that transitioning removed this psychological need from me and I wonder how much of the GD contributed to these boundary issues and subsequent co-dependency.

I could not rescue myself so I rescued others and I'm sure part of me thought I was not worth rescuing or maybe I thought by doing so I would earn the rescue (love) I needed.

Part of it comes out of being sensitive to the suffering of others from being naturally empathetic along with the loyalty of loving someone but to often it has a darkside.

It is a difficult balance to find and achieve between how much we do for others versus meeting our own needs and we must question these needs to see if they have a healthy basis.

Good people are vulnerable to the manipulations of those who may not be good but are good at pretending to be if not "good" than worthy of "rescue" as a claim on your own goodness.

Being desperate can make us cunning and bring out the worst but also the best of being human.

Now I only help those who are willing to help themselves. There must be enough love inside them "for themselves" to stop the self destructive behavior

There are large amounts of self loathing in the transexual experience that prevent the emotional stability necessary to heal a broken life by the thousands of small steps required and the patience to see it all the way to the end.

We are all huddled against this storm.

Be sure you do not freeze to death trying to help someone else become warm when they are not willing or able to make the effort themselves or you will both freeze to death.

Boundaries support life.

[Tracii G]

She needs to know she is the reason for her problems and needs to take control.
You need to let her know you are there for her emotionally not paying her bills.

[Eringirl]

Hi Paula:

Sorry that you are in this situation, it has to be tough. Feeling tugged between wanting to support, but also not wanting to be caught in the whirlwind that is her life. I agree with others....you have to take care of yourself and be careful not to be an enabler by "rescuing" her all the time. When I have experienced this, I point them in the direction of professional help, make sure they are in the right space, and let it go from there. Also, I only give money to a friend or family member that I can afford to never see again. I would like to get it back, but don't really expect it, so I go cautiously on that front. It seems like some negative attention seeking behaviour with that last PM stating that "a friend has taken me to the hospital".

I hope it all works out. But she needs professional help. Take care of you.

Erin

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Paula I am really sorry about the position you find yourself in.

Kelly said "boundaries support life"...brilliant...

You have a responsibility to yourself first, and like all of us, a responsibility to help others in need....IF POSSIBLE...

You need to set boundaries.. your help must become conditional....its not complicated.... you set the rules...if they don't follow your rules, you are out..that's how you do it...
you have to accept the reality of the situation...you are being used.

++++++++++++
I have been in this position..i was in a position of helping a struggling person(ts)...she called me totally wasted, and threatening to kill herself by jumping in a river... she was not out to much of her family... what could I do?? I asked where she was and she mumbled something about hiding and how they will never find her body...I begged her to call her therapist or call 911...
After 10 minutes of this, I said I can't help you if I don't know where you are...she just kept saying "the river..."...finally I hung up the phone and called a fireman friend in the area that knew her... I handed the issue off...I felt horrible all night...but I did the only thing I could, and they did finally find her passed out and she spent a week in the hospital with some frostbite and drying out... she doesn't even remember the call..

now god forbid she died....to be honest, I think I could live with it... that's cold... but I have a responsibility to myself, and I didn't do anything to her, she did something to me.... in trying to harm herself, she couldn't give a crap about me..and the same goes for your friend...

[marsha leanne]

paula, i was/still am in a similar situation. Mine is a family though. dad is a skilled worker, but VERY high maitenence on the job. he doesn't understand that his reputation is the cause of his unemployment. a dui and now no license, he had to have his wife drive him around. mom, was more concerned about her acrylic nails than her own family, so she lost her license and just blames dad. daughter has to deal with this and is an easily crushed 18 yr old. no boyfriend, no license, no job. home schooled since she cant cope with school. i have been hit up for all kinds of stuff from rent money, to groceries, to fixing the car.

finally i just stopped. i had to, i was getting pulled into their black vortex and all consuming woe. i will never get the money back, each time i see them, i push to see if they have gotten work. any work. they are now living with her mom. While it hurts to see them like this, they made the choices, they made the their own direction. I will cheer for them when they do right, be quiet when they do wrong.

but i need to keep me healthy.

I think the advise of all these great ladies is spot on. keep her at a distance, support her emotionally, but stand back, and let them steer their own boat with out your hand on the tiller.

[docrobbysherry]

Paula, there r no easy answers or solutions to co dependancy issues. They take years to develop. And, nearly every long term close relationship becomes co dependant to some degree, more or less.

Since they take so long to develop, cutting them off isn't very practical unless you're ready to cut that person out of your life.

I suggest gradually cutting back on the ways u see your friend taking advantage of u. Over time, she will not depend on u rescuing her as much and u won't feel as guilty/resentful when u have contact with her.

[MsMargaret]

Paula, I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but you have to know your limits.

While not quite the same situation, my siblings and I underwent a similar problem with our youngest sister. She was unemployable, and more than a little unwell (she'd hear voices and argue with them). She refused to believe anything was wrong, even though she'd been in the hospital for two one-week stints, and released. She would never say any details, but I researched one medication she was taking, and it was an anti-psychotic. She wasn't really that bad, but she had her moments. She never lived away from home, so she was able to take care of them when they fell ill. They eventually died within six months of each other, and she was in the home, but we had to pay the bills for her. There was a line of credit she abused, and she never sought work, thinking that money would come from somewhere.

After several years of us barely supporting her, we had to evict her, because we couldn't keep doing it. The bills were piling up, and there were back taxes due. When that happened, we finally went about trying to settle the estate. We even found her a place to stay, but refused to leave. What we didn't know was that the house was damaged from Hurricane Sandy and essentially just a step away from being condemned. In the end, we "broke even" by selling a shell of a house, which paid off the back taxes, the equity loan, and we were repaid for our supporting her, but just barely.

If we had cut her off sooner (one or two years sooner), We'd have been better off. Guilt kept us from doing that. I guess I'm saying that you have to know when to say when. To us, we were well past that point.

[Amy Lynn3]

I love the advise Suzanne gave you. Little by little let her stand on her own two feet. Hard to do, but it must be done for her sake. Good luck with this issue.

[mechamoose]

You, as a 'person who cares', has areas where you could and should step in.

If the person you are trying to help isn't helping themselves, then your response and responsibility is limited. If throwing that life preserver has the risk of bringing you down too? Then don't throw it. It is the firefighter's conundrum. "I can help THESE people, but if I fail, I die." Then you can't help anyone else, ever.

"The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few"

You could spend all you have to save that one person, or you could save yourself and save many more.

<3

- MM

[I Am Paula]

My friend Em checked herself into the psych center on Friday night, after leaving me a distressing note. On Saturday I tracked her down to emerg. but they wouldn't let me see her.
My Dad took a terrible turn for the worse, and I had to leave town to see him. When I got back last night I called the hospital, and Em has been discharged. They didn't know in whose care, or where she went. Whereabouts unknown.
The worst part is how guilty I feel. I'm not, but somehow I feel responsible. I've appealed to Facebook friends, as our friends list is similar, and I hope to find her soon.

[Veronica_Jean]

Paula,

Close friends and even though you feel a strong connection with are not the same as your Dad. You followed what I feel is a very responsible set of priorities... family first.

Had you not left town and it turned out poorly for your Dad, then you would have a reason to feel guilty. You have gone much further to support Em thatn most people will do for their own family members. I for one am very proud of the effort you have been making and see no reason for you to badly of yourself for it.

hugs

Veronica

[lingerieLiz]

There are many that need help. Unfortunately many continue on the road of dependence. As long as you provide they will accept handouts rather than accepting a solution. I like to donate to people who I know are desperate for help rather than some charities. While I give money or assistance I refuse to provide long term crutches that will never help them.

Your buying food may be a godsend. BUT, continuing it may enable your friend may encourage them to not seek a solution.