The reveal trap

[Tina_gm]

Many of us on this board have been or are still in it. The reveal trap. You meet someone, and it is going great. You don't want it to end, so you don't reveal. Time goes on, you get closer and closer, then perhaps married, kids....

It is kind of like seeing a pretty balloon and grabbing it. Only it has a lot of lifting power and begins to pull you up. If you let go immediately, you lose the balloon but you land on the ground, on your feet. Hang on a little longer, you land harder. Keep hanging on and now if you let go you are going to fall a good ways and it is going to hurt when you land, cause injury and will take time to recover. The longer you hang on, the harder it becomes to let go. But also, the harder it gets to hang on as well....

It happened to me as well, i did not reveal until several months after I got married. It was about 3 and a half years after my wife and I got together. What would have happened had I told her right in the beginning?? I am not certain, nor is she, but I can tell you what would not have happened, pain and injury. And likely for me because of the not revealing until after marriage, the possibility that my wife may never be comfortable enough with it to be with me when I am dressed.

For some, perhaps they have passed a point of no return, and can only hope they can hang on or never get discovered. I am responsible for the troubles that CDing has caused. Not that my wife and I haven't overcome most of it, but it took time away from a relationship that was healthy and growing. It stopped growing for a while and had to mend. But, there are scars.

If you see the marriages and other relationships which are in good shape overall and the CDing is not a major factor in any problems or issues, you will notice that generally they are the ones which had an immediate or early reveal. Ones where a reveal took place many years after, they may get there, but generally it took many years, perhaps as many as it took for the reveal to happen to get there, if it ever does, and it often doesn't.

I boxed myself in somewhat. Considering how my wife was raised and her life before me, for her to accept me as much as she has, I can only imagine how much easier if could have been for the both of us had I revealed early on. It likely would have altered the getting to know process, may have slowed it down, perhaps taken longer to get to where we were ready to marry, who knows. And yes, possibly she would have chosen different. I believe now though that I could have played my cards right, been truthful in the beginning and both of us would have avoided the tough times after the reveal, and she would be more comfortable, and there would be less in the way of compromise we both feel we have to make.

I am not going to tell anyone what they should do. It is your life to live. I know personally I feel that the earlier the reveal, the better things will be for you and for your partner.

[Jenniferathome]

I agree with your final point. Earlier is better even though I came out more than two decades after I was married. I think of all the years of stress simply because I was afraid.

That stated, don't assume that the longer the hiding the longer it takes to accept. My wife was surprised and adjusted to it in days. For me, the key dependency is the trust in the relationship. Hiding this violates a trust. But it if your relationship is solid in every other way, it's one that can be adjusted to fairly easily. The caveat is that cross dressng can't be all consuming. If it is just a piece in your life, it would s easily manageable.

[Sara Jessica]

There is no easy answer. I'm grateful that my reveal happened merely months into my relationship but I cannot fathom how I managed to do so then instead of years into marriage like so many in these pages. I have no clue what made me go against the hiding grain.

Opinions on whether to reveal (one should) are nice to take into consideration but largely irrelevant in the big picture because the revealer has to live with the fallout for better or for worse.

[Marcelle]

. . . Opinions on whether to reveal (one should) are nice to take into consideration but largely irrelevant in the big picture because the revealer has to live with the fallout for better or for worse.

I could not agree more Sara and well said. Each of us has to make our own decision and nobody can say "Hey give it a go because it is the right thing to do" or "Hey, hide it as it is no biggie" because none of us has to live the consequences of that person's decision.

Hugs

Isha

[Cheryl T]

I felt the earlier the better...ONCE....
Then I told her and she turned her back and walked away.

When I met my wife I vowed not to let that happen, to stay in the closet and hide and put on a good face. All was well until one stupid little mistake and then she found out. After lot of crying and talking I went back to that darkness swearing to her I quit (knowing I had to hide better) until I couldn't take it any longer and came clean. I was one of the lucky ones that was in the right place at the right time. She's fully accepting and that elephant has left the room forever.

Every situation is different, as we are all different. There's no one size fits all in this world for us.

[Stephanie Julianna]

After 43 years married I can tell you that the "early" reveal has only had a spotty benefit. In an argument about my crossdressing I have always been able to say, "I told you years before we married." "You used to play with my dress up games." For years she let me hang with the girls at Connecticut Outreach Society and even let me Go to Fantasia and First Event. In a spirit of trying to do right I purged and went back into the closet until last year. When I came out she was not as forgiving. It was like I had failed her. I have to try and find compromise because she will be retiring soon and my weekly dressing at home could be seriously curtailed. I don't think I could suffer not being myself every now and then. However, with 3 children, 7 grandchildren and a 43 year marriage on the line, I do not want to make this the line in the sand. There has to be a compromise somewhere.

[Teresa]

Stephanie,
That sounds familiar, apart from being fully out !
Forty years of marriage, two children and three grandchildren and wife due to retire in about two years time !
We have to sit down and really talk it through, I can't keep hiding behind curtains any more !

[PaulaQ]

There are really only a couple of reasons to be out and thus tell a partner early on:
1. A life in the closet is a life that is fundamentally a lie. I'm not talking about to other people - they helped create this mess. The hell with them. No, what matters is we lie to ourselves. We don't live authentic lives in the closet. We can't be ourselves, and that robs us of our lives! THEY don't get to live your life - they have no say in it. Why do you give them such power over you? They don't deserve or appreciate it.

2. Being out as trans is hard sometimes. I won't lie about that. Indeed, those of us who are out get murdered or commit suicide in truly alarming numbers. A lot of us will hold vigils over the next week for those trans who were slaughtered by a cruel and uncaring world. But - the more we hide, the easier it is for others to view us as subhuman and worthy targets of violence. The consequences of being out keep many of you in hiding. And yet, if you don't stand up and fight for your right to simply be whom you are, no one else will fight for you either.

Look - I don't have to be out. My voice is pretty good, I look fairly passable now, and I'll look better in the coming couple of years. I could go stealth, and return back to the closet. I choose to be out because I'd rather die while living life on my terms than exist in the horrible living death that characterized my life before. My life is fuller and richer now than ever before. Yeah, I lost stuff. A lot of stuff. Relationships, material possessions, friendships. Yeah, it hurt like hell, and I know I'm one of the lucky ones. Still, I've gained more than I ever lost - because what I have in my life now is REAL.

[S. Lisa Smith]

I agree with your final point. Earlier is better even though I came out more than two decades after I was married. I think of all the years of stress simply because I was afraid.

That stated, don't assume that the longer the hiding the longer it takes to accept. My wife was surprised and adjusted to it in days. For me, the key dependency is the trust in the relationship. Hiding this violates a trust. But it if your relationship is solid in every other way, it's one that can be adjusted to fairly easily. The caveat is that cross dressng can't be all consuming. If it is just a piece in your life, it would s easily manageable.

I told my wife about twenty years in as well. She was surprised as well. Perhaps she realized that the cross dressing was a part of who I am, the person she loved and without it, I would be a different person. I'll ask.

[ChrissyW1]

Personally, while I repressed and concealed all through my first marriage, my second is much better -- I opened up to her (in terms of "I'd like to ....") about 2 years in, and it's been frankly pretty great. While she's ambivalent about it (occasionally buys me little femme gifts, supports me dressing in the house a couple times a week, but is horribly worried about going out...) it's let me open up and do something I repressed a desire for for 35 years.

[Anna H]

i also believe it to be very reasonable that many of us
would think it would go away. no problems then!

when i was about 7-8 or so, that's when i first heard
of Christine Jorgensen. That was when i knew for sure
i'd be a girl one day.....it was actually possible.

but, information was very lacking....to say the least...
during most of my life. there was no place to read or ask
questions. no one to talk to.

so, getting involved with girlfriends and long relationships,
there were times i thought it had gone away. it didn't matter
anymore and was a past secret that needn't be mentioned.

but, it'd always come back sooner or later. sometimes it'd
take years.

when we got the internet, i was honestly a bit surprised to
see so many saying it always comes back. i wouldn't think there's
any real way anyone could know that. but for me, at least, it was
very true. it always did.

the only reason i have my wife of now 25 years, and she has
absolutely no problem with it at all, is that i'd reached the point
where i intended to be out of any more long relationships and
be single from then on.

we were just friends, so i really didn't care if she knew....i'd just
move on if it became any kind of problem.

but, i was able to be more open than i'd ever been with anyone by
not thinking of, or pursuing any intimate relationship with her. so we
became so close that we ended up trusting each other a true and
full 100%. there were no secrets.....so it just happened slowly and
naturally. i had never met a person that i could trust absolutely.

i could have ended up with DADT a few times, but keeping my secret
probably made me a pain to get along with. it's very painful and highly
frustrating to never be able to trust someone enough to reveal such
a deep part of oneself.

it worked out for me because i didn't want a relationship. i just wanted
one real friend....and we became close because we weren't hiding parts
of ourselves for fear of ruining a potential relationship. we were just
fully open and straightforwardly honest with each other, so we became
protective and very loving of each other in time.

i always feel terribly and honestly for those who have to hide. i could
still be there myself. i sure do know how it is....i've been there a few times.
i always wish there were something useful i could contribute.

♥

[suchacutie]

I only have one data point. My wife and I found Tina together after being married for many years. It was a tremendous surprise for both of us, but since it was both of us there was never a trust issue. We started asking each other questions. Some we could answer and some responses were simply, "I don't know".

Had I been in the position to understand my feminine side at an early age, at a time where the whole idea of transgenderism was completely in the closet, I can see where it would have been hard to present that side of me if I had had poor experiences with prior discoveries. I don't envy anyone who was put down or abused early in life because of their feminine selves, and then have to try to deal with being open with a potential mate. It was hard enough to try to come to grips with Tina when I had a very supportive wife! Doing it alone boggles my mind.

[Erica Marie]

I am so on board with ,sooner is better. I married and she found out and that did not work so well. A few later we divorced for more reasons than that. Years down the road was in another serious relationship, this time I came clean a few years in and again didnt work out so well. Now I vowed I will never start another relationship without her knowing right from the beginning. Its not fair to the other person or yourself to keep it hidden. No one will be happy in the end and that is the reason why we enter a relationship to find happiness.

[Melanie Z]

Personally, I felt I owed it to my fiance to tell her before we get married, but I absolutely understand those who just can't make the reveal. I still feel a sense of dread when I think about anyone else finding out. I knew she wouldn't be happy about it, but I was 99% sure she would accept me no matter what, as she had already stuck with me through worse. It was three years into the relationship, and I had been doing things to try and soften the blow, like "joking" about trying things on when I'd go shopping with her (something that stopped after the reveal, unfortunatley), talking about being curious how it felt to be female, and taking one opportunity to correct her belief about crossdressing meaning you're gay.

[Mink]

I vowed I will never start another relationship without her knowing right from the beginning. Its not fair to the other person or yourself to keep it hidden. No one will be happy in the end and that is the reason why we enter a relationship to find happiness.

I guess with this it's hard to see in telling in the very begin why a woman would stay when she has next to no investment in you at that point? over before it starts!

and it KILLS me often to think that if you didn't tell a GF or Wifey you could have many years or a whole LIFE of happiness and such that would be ruined by one thing that you can't control...?

madness!

so is one to accept a life of sadness and being alone if it just never works out... ?

I wouldn't want to feel like at the end of my life (not getting a wife!) thinking Well crossdressing really screwed my life over! what a damn waste

it's damn complicated!

[Stephanie Morgan]

My wife and I dated for 4 years before we married. My cross dressing had been non existent for about 14 years so the first year and a half of our dating, I didn't even think of it. Then the pink fog showed back up. Out of nowhere. For quite awhile, I fought it and kept the secret to myself (like I always did before). Another year went by and the urge to dress up was still there. I was so scared of loosing my girlfriend as we had gotten quite serious by this time. But at the same time, I felt like I owed it to her to be honest about everything. Heck, she knew all my other secrets. This was the only one she didn't know. So, we had the talk. Lots of questions and lots of time. She did what she always does with things she does not understand, she researches them. Long story short, we have just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary and she is very accepting and very encouraging. No one can tell how things will turn out when they tell someone, but I am certainly a believer in the earlier the better. But everyone must choose for themselves what is right for their own situation.

Stephanie M.

[LelaK]

The honest thing for some is to say: I have one or more minor embarrassing secrets that I'm afraid to reveal until some future time, when our love reduces my fear.

[Jenniferathome]

Kind of like saying, "Honey, you just drank poison. I know the antidote for it, but I need to use the can first and maybe read a book. You might not die while I do that. You're cool with that, right?"

And what the wife hears is, "I have some really, really serious issue(s) about me that will impact you in deep and unknown ways, but ignore that for now. You're cool, right?"

[MichelleDevon]

So much written here chimes with my own history... Married in 1975 and I knew the I loved hosiery and lingerie but it was a guilty secret, it's just me. Back then it was in the bad old days even before homosexual activity was made legal between consenting adults. It certainly wasn't something I was going to own up to in a hurry. For years I continued to dabble, wearing my wife's clothes when she was out and if her parents were away and their cats needed feeding there was the attraction of my mother-in-law's large collection of nylon and satin lingerie to explore after the cats were done.

And so it might have continued but for the advent of the internet. This led me to the realisation that far from it being "just me" there were thousands out there...wow! That was an outstanding revelation to me. And in talking to others on the web I realised I needed to "come clean". I waited months for an opportunity - it came almost 26 years into the marriage and, as I have described elsewhere, that revelation was a disaster. Whilst it may have salved my conscience it did absolutely nothing to make it easier or more acceptable. A further 5 years on with no significant progress a number of factors came together and, for me, the whole fabric of the marriage tumbled. That was encouraged by a "love at first sight" meeting with a lovely young lady who was left in no doubt whatsoever about my proclivity for dressing in womenswear - she knew from our first date.

Sadly, it went wrong and partly because my ladylove, who lacked self-confidence, felt threatened by the other woman in me, even though that was before I really explored it in depth - and well before Michelle. Now she is much more comfortable with it and we still see each other occasionally - sometimes I am Stephen , sometimes Michelle - and we both have regrets.

I am back with my wife now, she tolerates Michelle, sometimes joins in with clothes selection but is not turned on by it at all. I try to moderate my activities but I love my home alone time when she is away. I have two daughters who both found out at the time I left - I had wanted to tell them back in 2001 when I came clean but my wife was adamant that they shouldn't know. One is comfortable with it but she lives in California - a mere 6000 miles away with my little grandson who has met his Granny Michelle several times on Skype. The other is not comfortable with it and now lives 20 miles away with my two granddaughters who have as much chance of meeting Michelle as they have of meeting Father Christmas.

We celebrate 40 years next year (aside from the 2 years off for bad behaviour!) and with impending retirements I am really not sure how it is all going to pan out - I will not purge, nor will I willingly give up Michelle. I don't yet know how/what compromise we will get to but there needs to be one.

I have left once though and I would, potentially, do so again but that could seriously threaten my relationship with the granddaughters. Wht I do know for certain is that I would never embark on a relationship without CDing being out in the open from day 1.

Michelle
xxx

[CONSUELO]

I am a strong believer in revealing all early in the relationship and well before marriage. Also, there needs to be a complete understanding of how cross dressing desires can change and intensify with time. The cross dressing desires that one feels at the age of 20 for example are not necessarily the same as what one would feel at 30.
Before I married I revealed that I was a transvestite. That seemed acceptable and the marriage went ahead but the reality was hard to accept and tensions rose. I thought that what I "had" was more of a fetish for lingerie and I was not prepared for the change in my desires and the growing need to dress completely and be more and more feminine.
With the Internet and sites such as this one the resources that were pretty thin just a couple of decades ago are now very rich and should be used. In particular the experiences of people on this site and their stories of how they found their feelings change and intensify over time are very useful. I know it can be expensive but I would recommend good professional counseling for all couples where cross dressing is concerned. Yes, it would be a terrible blow if the relationship falls apart with the news but how much worse would it be to find out later.

Reveal early and reveal all would be my vote.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

I have read all of the thread responses & from my current uncomfortable reveal position, the best response was ' one size does not fit all". Two weeks ago I had the reveal talk: married 25 years with the cd monster unearthed last year. Timing was essential and I thought the time was right. My wife is still devastated , cannot hold / look at me as "her man " & counseling can't come soon enough!! It has been hell for both of us...

My thoughts are : 1) keeping cding a secret might be your best option if a nuclear bomb should explode after the reveal, 2) the cd reveal is a monumental set back for wives regardless of their future acceptance , 3) be so thankful if you have an accepting wife & 4) stop bitching about your wife's lack of understanding about moving a boundary IF you have an existing understanding / accepting spouse. Those with understanding spouses have little idea as to how blessed they are. The alternative is hell for both spouses.

[Lorileah]

is hell for both spouses better than one spouse with twice as much hell?

Revealing is a personal thing. I don't like keeping it a secret (can't now anyway). How important is your being trans to you? Is it a once in a while thing you can live without for awhile? Then why tell? Actually once again, I don't like secrets between mates because it wears away the foundation of the relationship even a little if it effects the SO in ANY way. Trust me, I am no angel so I know about trust issues. But the thing is, if it will not effect the spouse then you might keep it to yourself.

However, it rarely stays private. Things have a habit of growing. I met a CD the other day. She was beautiful and I know she could attract men. In fact that is what she did. She was on the sly behind her SO's back meeting men. What could happen right? You think explaining transgenderism to your wife is dangerous, try explaining a STD...especially a non curable one. Or explaining why you have marks (hopefully with permission) on your body. Or why you need your spouse to come to the hospital, jail, hotel, to get you. So if you aren't telling and staying home totally, it could work. Home totally, no mailbox runs. No walking after midnight. No driving around the block. Because she will find out. I like the idea of being in control personally. To know when the secret will come out instead of having to play defense. What are the odds?

Your life, your choice. You know your SO but don't believe you know her better than she knows herself. That is a fatal mistake. You making her decisions can be dangerous. How did Harry Callahan say it? "Do you feel lucky?"

[Tina_gm]

Thank you everyone for your responses. It is a touchy subject for many. Myself included. I wish I had the courage to be myself and not put myself or my wife through this.

For Melissa and Teresa especially, After a long time and then a reveal, or a long time without any communication on it, it is obviously so difficult. I would only remind you both, that she hasn't packed her bags because of it.....

It isn't just our wives that need counseling! We do to, or at least some way for us to get help in our own acceptance, or in learning how to deal and live in a life where this is no longer just our own little secret. HOW to compromise, how to accept our partner's limitations with this, how to express to them what we need and desire in a way which does not cause relationship harm.

It is only further obvious to me with those who talk of difficulties after many years of a non reveal, and even of ones who have early on of the trap. How we CDers get pulled into it. By our wish to be non CDers and or TG.... to the thought that we could control it. (we are told we can if we want to or try hard enough, it is a mental sickness after all) ( or so we are told)

To the later revealers, there is more than just your dressing and or your now disclosed femininity that your partner is now dealing with. While we CDers have an increased fem side, Most of us cannot truly get inside a GG's brain and understand how a lie or an omission effects them, myself included. Even if we get it somewhat, what a woman feels from this goes so far beyond the dressing. And the dressing alone is a major challenge besides. They are being hit with two bricks to the head at once, although I truly believe the one about the non disclosure hits harder.

To those who have lived many decades without revealing, I am not going to advise you at this time to disclose. Although if you truly feel the need you should. perhaps it is just time for you. To just do so because it is the "right" thing to do, no, I do not feel this way, personally. I was set to take my secret to my grave when I asked my wife to marry me. That may be the case for some of you. Although I chose to out myself, my choice to accept her difficulties, and the compromises of less dressing time, for her to not participate in it are my way of acknowledging my mistake, my fear I had and my unfairness of not disclosing. She didn't know all about me. But, I want to stay with her so I will adapt. Not even adapt really, but to maintain much of my life as it had always been anyway. Now, I actually have more than I did before.

[Amy Fakley]

the reveal isn't the trap.
when you're in this situation of being married with this fearsome secret, you're already in the trap.

The reveal is the exit. Like one of these:

Attachment 235959

There is one way out. No matter what happens, if you take it, there is going to be substantial damage.
You might get lucky, and it might not be all that bad, but there is going to be a cost to taking that exit.

Only you can decide if that cost is justifiable. If being on the outside of your closet (at least to your spouse), is going to be worth it (for the both of you).

Everyone's situation is different, but one thing is constant: it's always one hell of a situation we find ourselves in.

When I told, I blew all 4 tires for sure. But to extend the metaphor, the old tires were worn out anyhow. Together, we bolted new tires onto our marriage, and things are far better now than they ever were before. I wish I'd told sooner, but that's life. Everything's clear in hindsight, and who knows how it would have been if I'd told 10 or 20 years ago? We were both in very different places then. Decisions were made. I can't say they were the right ones or the wrong ones, but they were made nonetheless.

To quote one of my favorite Bon Iver songs "what might have been lost don't bother me".

... but you can't really extrapolate that to your own experience.
Only you can know for yourself, and even then, it's still a roll of the dice.

Don't let anyone ever tell you what "the right thing" to do is. Only you can know that, and even then you might not be right. But it's your decision to make and no one else's.

Best of luck to everyone in this situation, you have my respect no matter what decision you make, or if you never make one.

[Teresa]

Gendermutt,
There are several problems with the early reveal !
First we don't realise it's a problem until we get a partner that doesn't accept !
Second some get a gap after marrying and think it's gone away ! Also some think that being married will cure them of CDing ! Some are late starters and may be years into their marriage before the problem surfaces !

I fell into the first trap of having an accepting GF before I married, so I assumed women wouldn't have a problem with it ! OK I was a young naive twenty year old !
Basically CDing isn't a problem if your partner accepts it ! The non acceptance tends to get worse with time ! I've gone full circle and wondering at my age why is there a problem ?