The reveal trap

[Tina_gm]

Many of us on this board have been or are still in it. The reveal trap. You meet someone, and it is going great. You don't want it to end, so you don't reveal. Time goes on, you get closer and closer, then perhaps married, kids....

It is kind of like seeing a pretty balloon and grabbing it. Only it has a lot of lifting power and begins to pull you up. If you let go immediately, you lose the balloon but you land on the ground, on your feet. Hang on a little longer, you land harder. Keep hanging on and now if you let go you are going to fall a good ways and it is going to hurt when you land, cause injury and will take time to recover. The longer you hang on, the harder it becomes to let go. But also, the harder it gets to hang on as well....

It happened to me as well, i did not reveal until several months after I got married. It was about 3 and a half years after my wife and I got together. What would have happened had I told her right in the beginning?? I am not certain, nor is she, but I can tell you what would not have happened, pain and injury. And likely for me because of the not revealing until after marriage, the possibility that my wife may never be comfortable enough with it to be with me when I am dressed.

For some, perhaps they have passed a point of no return, and can only hope they can hang on or never get discovered. I am responsible for the troubles that CDing has caused. Not that my wife and I haven't overcome most of it, but it took time away from a relationship that was healthy and growing. It stopped growing for a while and had to mend. But, there are scars.

If you see the marriages and other relationships which are in good shape overall and the CDing is not a major factor in any problems or issues, you will notice that generally they are the ones which had an immediate or early reveal. Ones where a reveal took place many years after, they may get there, but generally it took many years, perhaps as many as it took for the reveal to happen to get there, if it ever does, and it often doesn't.

I boxed myself in somewhat. Considering how my wife was raised and her life before me, for her to accept me as much as she has, I can only imagine how much easier if could have been for the both of us had I revealed early on. It likely would have altered the getting to know process, may have slowed it down, perhaps taken longer to get to where we were ready to marry, who knows. And yes, possibly she would have chosen different. I believe now though that I could have played my cards right, been truthful in the beginning and both of us would have avoided the tough times after the reveal, and she would be more comfortable, and there would be less in the way of compromise we both feel we have to make.

I am not going to tell anyone what they should do. It is your life to live. I know personally I feel that the earlier the reveal, the better things will be for you and for your partner.

[Jenniferathome]

I agree with your final point. Earlier is better even though I came out more than two decades after I was married. I think of all the years of stress simply because I was afraid.

That stated, don't assume that the longer the hiding the longer it takes to accept. My wife was surprised and adjusted to it in days. For me, the key dependency is the trust in the relationship. Hiding this violates a trust. But it if your relationship is solid in every other way, it's one that can be adjusted to fairly easily. The caveat is that cross dressng can't be all consuming. If it is just a piece in your life, it would s easily manageable.

[Sara Jessica]

There is no easy answer. I'm grateful that my reveal happened merely months into my relationship but I cannot fathom how I managed to do so then instead of years into marriage like so many in these pages. I have no clue what made me go against the hiding grain.

Opinions on whether to reveal (one should) are nice to take into consideration but largely irrelevant in the big picture because the revealer has to live with the fallout for better or for worse.

[ChrissyW1]

Personally, while I repressed and concealed all through my first marriage, my second is much better -- I opened up to her (in terms of "I'd like to ....") about 2 years in, and it's been frankly pretty great. While she's ambivalent about it (occasionally buys me little femme gifts, supports me dressing in the house a couple times a week, but is horribly worried about going out...) it's let me open up and do something I repressed a desire for for 35 years.

[Anna H]

i also believe it to be very reasonable that many of us
would think it would go away. no problems then!

when i was about 7-8 or so, that's when i first heard
of Christine Jorgensen. That was when i knew for sure
i'd be a girl one day.....it was actually possible.

but, information was very lacking....to say the least...
during most of my life. there was no place to read or ask
questions. no one to talk to.

so, getting involved with girlfriends and long relationships,
there were times i thought it had gone away. it didn't matter
anymore and was a past secret that needn't be mentioned.

but, it'd always come back sooner or later. sometimes it'd
take years.

when we got the internet, i was honestly a bit surprised to
see so many saying it always comes back. i wouldn't think there's
any real way anyone could know that. but for me, at least, it was
very true. it always did.

the only reason i have my wife of now 25 years, and she has
absolutely no problem with it at all, is that i'd reached the point
where i intended to be out of any more long relationships and
be single from then on.

we were just friends, so i really didn't care if she knew....i'd just
move on if it became any kind of problem.

but, i was able to be more open than i'd ever been with anyone by
not thinking of, or pursuing any intimate relationship with her. so we
became so close that we ended up trusting each other a true and
full 100%. there were no secrets.....so it just happened slowly and
naturally. i had never met a person that i could trust absolutely.

i could have ended up with DADT a few times, but keeping my secret
probably made me a pain to get along with. it's very painful and highly
frustrating to never be able to trust someone enough to reveal such
a deep part of oneself.

it worked out for me because i didn't want a relationship. i just wanted
one real friend....and we became close because we weren't hiding parts
of ourselves for fear of ruining a potential relationship. we were just
fully open and straightforwardly honest with each other, so we became
protective and very loving of each other in time.

i always feel terribly and honestly for those who have to hide. i could
still be there myself. i sure do know how it is....i've been there a few times.
i always wish there were something useful i could contribute.

♥

[suchacutie]

I only have one data point. My wife and I found Tina together after being married for many years. It was a tremendous surprise for both of us, but since it was both of us there was never a trust issue. We started asking each other questions. Some we could answer and some responses were simply, "I don't know".

Had I been in the position to understand my feminine side at an early age, at a time where the whole idea of transgenderism was completely in the closet, I can see where it would have been hard to present that side of me if I had had poor experiences with prior discoveries. I don't envy anyone who was put down or abused early in life because of their feminine selves, and then have to try to deal with being open with a potential mate. It was hard enough to try to come to grips with Tina when I had a very supportive wife! Doing it alone boggles my mind.

[Erica Marie]

I am so on board with ,sooner is better. I married and she found out and that did not work so well. A few later we divorced for more reasons than that. Years down the road was in another serious relationship, this time I came clean a few years in and again didnt work out so well. Now I vowed I will never start another relationship without her knowing right from the beginning. Its not fair to the other person or yourself to keep it hidden. No one will be happy in the end and that is the reason why we enter a relationship to find happiness.

[Melanie Z]

Personally, I felt I owed it to my fiance to tell her before we get married, but I absolutely understand those who just can't make the reveal. I still feel a sense of dread when I think about anyone else finding out. I knew she wouldn't be happy about it, but I was 99% sure she would accept me no matter what, as she had already stuck with me through worse. It was three years into the relationship, and I had been doing things to try and soften the blow, like "joking" about trying things on when I'd go shopping with her (something that stopped after the reveal, unfortunatley), talking about being curious how it felt to be female, and taking one opportunity to correct her belief about crossdressing meaning you're gay.

[Stephanie Morgan]

My wife and I dated for 4 years before we married. My cross dressing had been non existent for about 14 years so the first year and a half of our dating, I didn't even think of it. Then the pink fog showed back up. Out of nowhere. For quite awhile, I fought it and kept the secret to myself (like I always did before). Another year went by and the urge to dress up was still there. I was so scared of loosing my girlfriend as we had gotten quite serious by this time. But at the same time, I felt like I owed it to her to be honest about everything. Heck, she knew all my other secrets. This was the only one she didn't know. So, we had the talk. Lots of questions and lots of time. She did what she always does with things she does not understand, she researches them. Long story short, we have just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary and she is very accepting and very encouraging. No one can tell how things will turn out when they tell someone, but I am certainly a believer in the earlier the better. But everyone must choose for themselves what is right for their own situation.

Stephanie M.

[LelaK]

The honest thing for some is to say: I have one or more minor embarrassing secrets that I'm afraid to reveal until some future time, when our love reduces my fear.

[Jenniferathome]

Kind of like saying, "Honey, you just drank poison. I know the antidote for it, but I need to use the can first and maybe read a book. You might not die while I do that. You're cool with that, right?"

And what the wife hears is, "I have some really, really serious issue(s) about me that will impact you in deep and unknown ways, but ignore that for now. You're cool, right?"

[Mink]

I vowed I will never start another relationship without her knowing right from the beginning. Its not fair to the other person or yourself to keep it hidden. No one will be happy in the end and that is the reason why we enter a relationship to find happiness.

I guess with this it's hard to see in telling in the very begin why a woman would stay when she has next to no investment in you at that point? over before it starts!

and it KILLS me often to think that if you didn't tell a GF or Wifey you could have many years or a whole LIFE of happiness and such that would be ruined by one thing that you can't control...?

madness!

so is one to accept a life of sadness and being alone if it just never works out... ?

I wouldn't want to feel like at the end of my life (not getting a wife!) thinking Well crossdressing really screwed my life over! what a damn waste

it's damn complicated!

[PaulaQ]

I certainly fell into this trap. Had I revealed my gender issues early in the relationship, my wife would never have married me. I have no doubt of this.

It's an impossible situation when the world demands we lie about who we really are.

[Marcelle]

. . . Opinions on whether to reveal (one should) are nice to take into consideration but largely irrelevant in the big picture because the revealer has to live with the fallout for better or for worse.

I could not agree more Sara and well said. Each of us has to make our own decision and nobody can say "Hey give it a go because it is the right thing to do" or "Hey, hide it as it is no biggie" because none of us has to live the consequences of that person's decision.

Hugs

Isha

[Cheryl T]

I felt the earlier the better...ONCE....
Then I told her and she turned her back and walked away.

When I met my wife I vowed not to let that happen, to stay in the closet and hide and put on a good face. All was well until one stupid little mistake and then she found out. After lot of crying and talking I went back to that darkness swearing to her I quit (knowing I had to hide better) until I couldn't take it any longer and came clean. I was one of the lucky ones that was in the right place at the right time. She's fully accepting and that elephant has left the room forever.

Every situation is different, as we are all different. There's no one size fits all in this world for us.

[Erica Marie]

I guess with this it's hard to see in telling in the very begin why a woman would stay when she has next to no investment in you at that point? over before it starts!



it's damn complicated!

It is darn complicated, and why make it worse. Is it right to give someone false expectations. Would you want the girl you fell in love with, to come along 3 yrs later and tell you that she was really not who you expected. Now here hope you like it because you are stuck with me. People dont like to be fooled. I want someone to love me for who I truly am and if I dont find that person, then I guess this is the way it was meant to be.

[Maria 60]

Well in my opinion, it's seems a little easier these days with internet and finding information about anything. A lot more things are more out in the open these day, compared to let's say twenty years ago. A few days before I was getting married I threw everything out, thinking I was never going to wear women's cloths again. The first week back from our honeymoon there I was trying on her pantyhose, and for some reason I just felt so fed up with the hiding and didn't think I could live the rest of my life hiding as a fugitive. That same night when she came home from work I took the biggest chance I ever would take, mostly knowing she was a traditional Italian girl and it wasn't going to sit to well with her, and almost thirty years ago there wasn't as much info as now, but I realized the dressing wasn't going away and that I didn't want this life again. I sat her down and told her everything, from the first time I could remember trying on women's clothing, to that same morning that I put on her pantyhose. Surprising she asked me if I was gay and if I wanted to be a women and if I would be happy with being in the closet and this was our secret. I told her yes to all three questions, and then told me she didn't want me to stretch her things and that we needed to buy me my own pantyhose and panties and her closet was open to me when ever I wanted. WOW! What a weight off my shoulders and thirty years later she believes we have a strong relationship because of the dressing, and to be honest before this site I believed every wife would be OK with it, maybe because my wife was so accepting, and I was kind of shocked that so many women are so against it and even divorce over it. I believe she was accepting because she seen how hard it was to tell her,but she was also flattered when she found out that she was the only one I trusted to tell and she was the only one who knew about it, our secret that we share together. I believed it would haven't went as well three or four years later, but then again who knows, I guess you just have to take a chance, and see what comes out of it. But would believe it would be more complicated years later because of not being totally honest and what else are we hiding. Everyone knows there wife or girlfriend and maybe have an idea how there going to take it. For me I would have never imagined it was going to go like that.

[angelfire]

I told my girlfriend somewhere in our first 4 or 5 dates. I don't regret telling her when I did. Things still haven't been easy or smooth sailing, but it was better that it was on the table from almost the start. We have been together for just over 4 years now.

[Tina B.]

I'm one of the lucky ones, I lost a marriage mostly because of cross dressing, after that the urge left me, so years latter when I found myself in a new relationship I didn't even think about those old bad days of dressing and guilt. Then after five years of marriage, the need to dress came back, and as everyone knows, when it does, it can be fierce.
I fought the urge for a long time, refusing to give into it. I feel into a real bad funk, and began to take my mood out on anyone around me. I was unbearable, I can see that now. We separated, and where apart for a week and had gotten together to talk about where we where going to go from there. There was talk about giving it one more try, but at that point I knew nothing was going to be different, unless I did something different. I was ready to be single if that is what it was going to take, but I was never going back in to hiding and lying in my own home again.
So I told her all about Tina, how she had been with me since early childhood, and no matter how hard I had tried, I was stuck with her.
I was ready to pack it in at that point, figured she would go running from the room or something dramatic. But instead, all she said was is that all this has been about. And then she said lets go shopping, she bought me my first wig, 2 dresses, a pair of shoes, matching bra panties, garter belt, and half slip and camisole, plus earring to match both dresses. The scariest part was she insisted on a fashion show when we got home with it all, I wasn't ready for that, but with that kind of acceptance, you put on you big girl panties, and show off your new outfits.
That was almost 40 years ago, and life has been good every since. I don't know if she would have married me if she had known before hand, But after dating for a year and a half, plus five years of married life, I sure was glad I told her when I did it has giving me a lot of freedom to just be me, no matter who I am on any given day.

[CONSUELO]

I am a strong believer in revealing all early in the relationship and well before marriage. Also, there needs to be a complete understanding of how cross dressing desires can change and intensify with time. The cross dressing desires that one feels at the age of 20 for example are not necessarily the same as what one would feel at 30.
Before I married I revealed that I was a transvestite. That seemed acceptable and the marriage went ahead but the reality was hard to accept and tensions rose. I thought that what I "had" was more of a fetish for lingerie and I was not prepared for the change in my desires and the growing need to dress completely and be more and more feminine.
With the Internet and sites such as this one the resources that were pretty thin just a couple of decades ago are now very rich and should be used. In particular the experiences of people on this site and their stories of how they found their feelings change and intensify over time are very useful. I know it can be expensive but I would recommend good professional counseling for all couples where cross dressing is concerned. Yes, it would be a terrible blow if the relationship falls apart with the news but how much worse would it be to find out later.

Reveal early and reveal all would be my vote.

[Lorileah]

Surprising she asked me if I was gay and if I wanted to be a women and if I would be happy with being in the closet and this was our secret. I told her yes to all three questions,

This is one of those things where ONE word can change the whole meaning. Are you gay and wanting to be a woman?

Everyone knows MY story. Married, didn't tell right away but she figured it out quickly and bought me things with the only caveat "don't embarrass me" Near the end of her life when I was stressed she would say "go put on a skirt". together 32 years total. Had a girlfriend who I communicate on the internet with for a long time who didn't know. When she said she was coming from LA to visit I sent her photos and her response was "Who is that?" I said me She said "cool" and we went a lot together with me dressed. Just before she died she was wondering why I didn't dress more often (I thought it was easier for her if I didn't but she liked Lori).

Point to my story? Two relationships. Both revealed early on and both women stayed. In my opinion this is how LOVE goes. All too often I think marriages are built of falsehoods. There is an old saw that says "One partner marries thinking that they can change the other and the other marries hoping the first partner will never change" Usually both are in for a surprise. But the MORE information you supply early on, the better they can decide and that means you both can be happy. If she says "no" then figure if that was enough for her to leave over, leaving early is a lot better than leaving later because of material goods, money and/or children would be involved. It can get bloody then.

But I know that sometimes insecurities win. You think this is the ONLY one. But is it? I think when the right one(s) come along you know it. If there is any question, you should really think about it. If you can't live with changes down the road, you shouldn't get married, because it will change. And you have to learn to live with, tolerate, accept, or ignore those changes. If you can't do the above, you need to get out.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

I have read all of the thread responses & from my current uncomfortable reveal position, the best response was ' one size does not fit all". Two weeks ago I had the reveal talk: married 25 years with the cd monster unearthed last year. Timing was essential and I thought the time was right. My wife is still devastated , cannot hold / look at me as "her man " & counseling can't come soon enough!! It has been hell for both of us...

My thoughts are : 1) keeping cding a secret might be your best option if a nuclear bomb should explode after the reveal, 2) the cd reveal is a monumental set back for wives regardless of their future acceptance , 3) be so thankful if you have an accepting wife & 4) stop bitching about your wife's lack of understanding about moving a boundary IF you have an existing understanding / accepting spouse. Those with understanding spouses have little idea as to how blessed they are. The alternative is hell for both spouses.

[Lorileah]

is hell for both spouses better than one spouse with twice as much hell?

Revealing is a personal thing. I don't like keeping it a secret (can't now anyway). How important is your being trans to you? Is it a once in a while thing you can live without for awhile? Then why tell? Actually once again, I don't like secrets between mates because it wears away the foundation of the relationship even a little if it effects the SO in ANY way. Trust me, I am no angel so I know about trust issues. But the thing is, if it will not effect the spouse then you might keep it to yourself.

However, it rarely stays private. Things have a habit of growing. I met a CD the other day. She was beautiful and I know she could attract men. In fact that is what she did. She was on the sly behind her SO's back meeting men. What could happen right? You think explaining transgenderism to your wife is dangerous, try explaining a STD...especially a non curable one. Or explaining why you have marks (hopefully with permission) on your body. Or why you need your spouse to come to the hospital, jail, hotel, to get you. So if you aren't telling and staying home totally, it could work. Home totally, no mailbox runs. No walking after midnight. No driving around the block. Because she will find out. I like the idea of being in control personally. To know when the secret will come out instead of having to play defense. What are the odds?

Your life, your choice. You know your SO but don't believe you know her better than she knows herself. That is a fatal mistake. You making her decisions can be dangerous. How did Harry Callahan say it? "Do you feel lucky?"

[Amy Fakley]

the reveal isn't the trap.
when you're in this situation of being married with this fearsome secret, you're already in the trap.

The reveal is the exit. Like one of these:

Attachment 235959

There is one way out. No matter what happens, if you take it, there is going to be substantial damage.
You might get lucky, and it might not be all that bad, but there is going to be a cost to taking that exit.

Only you can decide if that cost is justifiable. If being on the outside of your closet (at least to your spouse), is going to be worth it (for the both of you).

Everyone's situation is different, but one thing is constant: it's always one hell of a situation we find ourselves in.

When I told, I blew all 4 tires for sure. But to extend the metaphor, the old tires were worn out anyhow. Together, we bolted new tires onto our marriage, and things are far better now than they ever were before. I wish I'd told sooner, but that's life. Everything's clear in hindsight, and who knows how it would have been if I'd told 10 or 20 years ago? We were both in very different places then. Decisions were made. I can't say they were the right ones or the wrong ones, but they were made nonetheless.

To quote one of my favorite Bon Iver songs "what might have been lost don't bother me".

... but you can't really extrapolate that to your own experience.
Only you can know for yourself, and even then, it's still a roll of the dice.

Don't let anyone ever tell you what "the right thing" to do is. Only you can know that, and even then you might not be right. But it's your decision to make and no one else's.

Best of luck to everyone in this situation, you have my respect no matter what decision you make, or if you never make one.

[Teresa]

Gendermutt,
There are several problems with the early reveal !
First we don't realise it's a problem until we get a partner that doesn't accept !
Second some get a gap after marrying and think it's gone away ! Also some think that being married will cure them of CDing ! Some are late starters and may be years into their marriage before the problem surfaces !

I fell into the first trap of having an accepting GF before I married, so I assumed women wouldn't have a problem with it ! OK I was a young naive twenty year old !
Basically CDing isn't a problem if your partner accepts it ! The non acceptance tends to get worse with time ! I've gone full circle and wondering at my age why is there a problem ?