First of all, I really do hope I'm in the right spot for this, and if not, I do sincerely apologize, but, there has been a lot on my mind and I am requesting some much needed insight. Also, please forgive the length of the post as I suspect it will be a LONG one.
For a good portion of my life, I have been a cross dresser, although fairly secretive about it. The list of people who know about it is steadily growing, and I am making progress in building up the self confidence I need to start going out more frequently.
The problem that I keep finding myself running in to is that I'm not sure whether or not I am trans. There are many times, especially when I start feeling depressed (which I seem very prone to) I start wondering if I wouldn't be happier as a woman. That's not to say that in general, I'm unhappy as a man, but the thoughts of possibly being happier as a woman are becoming more and more frequent.
These thoughts have been happening for quite a while, but only within about the past year have they become persistent enough to become an issue.
I also frequently find myself seeing a beautiful woman and not only admiring her beauty, but also getting jealous and wishing I had a figure like hers, and in many cases, also wishing that I could find her outfit in my size.
I'm general, I also find myself jealous of many of the secondary characteristics associated with females: softer, smoother skin, softer smell, breasts, etc.
There are also many times, especially during my adolescence where many, many of my fantasies would include varying degrees of gender reassignment and crossdressing.
Going out more often, possibly even full time dressed is definitely a goal that I have, even to work (which does have policies in place to protect its LGBT employees) despite the fact that I live in a very conservative area (Texas).
However that idea does concern me as even though it has these policies, I do worry that despite them, such activities may still prevent me from being able to advance at my job.
The situation boils down to the fact that many times (not all the time, but still frequently enough) it feels like I'm hiding behind a mask. This mask is the me that I put on in front of everyone, the me that is expected to conform to the gender norms and expectations of my birth gender, both in my personal and professional lives. Then there is the part of me that is hiding behind the mask, who is getting tired and wearing me out, both emotionally and physically because it is sick of the hiding and maintain the facade, and wants to be free to be itself, but is also scared of the socio-political, personal, and professional ramifications of being free to do its thing.
I have told my wife about many of these feelings, and she genuinely surprised me when she said that she had been expecting the conversation a lot sooner. She has been supportive thus far, and is encouraging me to seek out a gender therapist when the financial situation(s) allow for such a thing.
I agree with her that a therapist is going to have to be the very first step that I take in this journey, but as I said before, I would also like some insight as far as some other opinions, and possibly experiences, as well as knowing whether or not anyone else does or has felt this way.
Again, I hope this is in the correct section of the forum, and if not, I sincerely apologize. There is a bit more I could write about, but I am becoming pressed for time. Any help that you folks would be willing to offer would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
Skylance