Any books that helped you with the transition decision?

[Karren J]

Hello everyone,

Did any of you find any books that helped with knowing you had to transition?

the reason I ask is my psychologist gave me a book to read, "My new gender workbook" by Kate Bornstien. I have read it and found it to be of no value at all for me, it seems geared towards a younger audience. It is full of snappy quizzes with answers like "I love to make people scratch their heads about what gender I really am!". This hasn't help a lot with the simple question, is transition right for me? None the less I like the idea having something to read through that might help.

I'm currently in a bit of a low period, my mind isn't screaming for change it's more like background noise right now. I've told her (the psychologist) as much and from the past I know this is cyclical for me. Back on topic, are there any books or other suggestions anyone has found that helped answer 'is this the right thing to do?'. Thank you all.

[steftoday]

Evolution's Rainbow and Whipping Girl were two that my therapist recommended.

[LeaP]

I read a lot of books. My therapist assigned a few. I did a lot of research and reading on my own. It helped, especially in the beginning, to see patterns and commonalities. That was reassuring in itself. But I find the idea that a book would help with the transition decision to be very strange. If that need doesn't come from within in a driving, fundamental way, I can't imagine why anyone would transition. There is a decision to make, of course. But that is not one that is made on the basis of criteria you find in books.

[steftoday]

just to clarify; they were recommended reading for me, but they weren't/aren't guides for transitioning. They're good reads, and parts of Whipping Girl are scary... in the sense that "transitioning" is serious shit.

[MonicaJean]

I can recommend a few....

I found Lisa Salazar's story in Transparently a moving account of her life, challenges of transition and life in general. I also found some of her life experiences help me more properly define my own. A good read for sure.

The Transgender Guidebook is a how-to sort of manual, good, but lots of review for us who have been digging around the internet for a while already.

Transgender Complete by Joanne Borden is really good. I bookmarked many pages in these first 3 books.

I just started reading Transgender Christians in Chains by Bobbi Lang, no review yet, still on chapter 1.

Lastly, another book I'll dive into soon is Stuck in the Middle With You by Jenny Boylan.

[Karren J]

Thank you for all the suggestions, I'm going to see what I can get on my e-reader. LeaP you sort of defined my problem and the reason why I'm asking about guidance. I'm living a good life right now with a loving wife, a great career doing important work that I love to do. I have the respect of my friends and co-workers, I make a good wage and I am comfortable financially. In short I have everything a person could need for a happy successful life.

That is part of my problem, I would be risking so much. I'm not at the transition or die stage but I feel like an actor playing a familiar role over and over again. I do it perfectly and it's as natural as breathing but it's not the real me. I think I could play this life out as I am but when I'm old nearing the end I know I will look back and see a long string of failures. I just don't know what to do.

I don't want to lose my love, but I know marriages that survive a transition are almost unheard of. I don't want to cause her pain. I don't want to risk my job. there are policies to protect a person from any backlash from a transition but it's still very much a boys club and potential for being gently eased out is real.

LeaP I envy you and the others for your certainty and resolve, at least you know and went forward to make yourself better, I don't even have that. I see that failure and pain is everywhere around me for myself and the ones I love, and right now the holding pattern I'm in is the "best" thing to do even though it will lead to regret down the road.

I began to see my psychologist when I admitted to my self that transition was a real possibility and I need help to figure out what to do, That's why the call for books, I still don't know what to do and I learn best from reading. After reading about those who absolutely knew they had to change and know that I don't have that certainty makes me more lost. I believe everyone who has written that transition is the absolute last resort and it is a path full of difficulty, pain and heartache even if it goes well. I just don't know 100% without a doubt that transition is my best choice, and my real problem is I don't know how to find out.

I'm going to get those books, I'm going to read and try to find out how to find out. All of you are wonderful I don't know where I would be without this forum to ask these question and get advice from people who know.

thanks for the replies.

Kelly

[CostaRicaRachel]

I may be different than everyone else, but the books that had the most affect on
my decision to transition or not were
"Men trapped in Men's bodies" and "The Man who would be Queen"

[LeaP]

I'm a serial analyzer. I consume information for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I just submitted a mind map-based analysis, of all things, as a case study response for an interview. Like you, I'm successful and happily married. Nonetheless, the hardest lesson for me to learn was that I could not think my way through (or out of) this. In fact, reason, as a coping mechanism, is part of the problem. Refining your understanding and adjusting your thinking has its place, even here, but the problem lies beneath conscious thought. The thinking response is what leads to over-compensation (e.g., hyper-male behavior) as well as overshooting the mark at the other end (transitioning unnecessarily).

So go ahead and read. But experiment. It will accomplish more, faster, than anything else.

I referred earlier to transition need coming from within. You referred to the transition or die meme. I was not one who consciously felt transition pressure through life. Rather, I was a miserable psychological mess. I arrived at the transition or die point nonetheless - and am feeling that pressure now. Why? Because once the problem is apparent, once what you've buried emerges, the prospect of going back becomes intolerable. But the prospect of transition itself also changes. It exists as a sort of psychological flirtation for many. As it becomes a real possibility and personal, it can start to look like an appalling gulf. That not only eased for me psychologically and emotionally, it became obvious, for lack of a better way to put it. But be forewarned - the gulf behind looks more appalling than the one you used to see in front of you.

How many marriages survive transition? I don't really know. The conventional wisdom is certainly that most do not, but my therapist, who has had a gender practice for over 25 years, says that most of her clients' marriages do survive. So far, mine is holding. But I also have a good friend who is going through a transition-triggered divorce right now. And her marriage was good and strong. Another bit of advice that you are going to hear over and over in different contexts: forget the statistics. Statistics apply to populations. You are not a population.

[Nicole Erin]

I have read several books about TG stuff but never found any of them that interesting or informative.
Except for a few fun-read TG books, most of them tend to ramble.
For the serious tone TG books, if you have read one, you have read them all.

I might be different though because I never read too much into "why do I feel this way?" My questiion was, "How do I accomplish this?" whatever "This" was at any given stage. And suckily enough, even the TG books about how to accomplish whatever goal were never that good.

[LeaP]

There is undoubtably a killing to be made here in self-help books, Erin, what, with the millions and millions of transsexuals out there. Here's a few titles:

"Managing The One Minute Transition"

"Crossdress For Success"

"Men Are From Mars And Apparently A Few Women Are Too"

"He's Just Not That In You"

And, of course… "The Hitchhikers Guide To The Spectrum"

[Marleena]

Seriously though, the GD decided for me that I needed to start HRT even though I'm broke. I HAD to do something. When I first started posting in here I knew very little about the TS condition, I just wanted some quality of life back. I found information from a credible source, a renowned TS gender therapist and author, Anne Vitale. She has experience at treating 100's of TS patients.

[MatildaJ.]

it's as natural as breathing but it's not the real me...I don't want to lose my love, but I know marriages that survive a transition are almost unheard of. I don't want to cause her pain.

Speaking as a wife, I think you should let your wife know once you're considering transition, just as you would if you had a disease that is usually progressive. I don't think all CDers must tell their wives, but if you know you're playing a role ("it's not the real me"), you should let your wife know. Let her share this journey with you as long as she will, rather than bottling it up inside and then springing it on her after you've made the decision to transition. You don't have control of whether your marriage ends, but if you treat her with respect and give her the truth as you figure it out, that's your best chance to stay friends over the coming decades.

[Contessa]

I might believe that anyone who is looking for a book to tell them it isn't the thing for them has this problem. They can't find a way out. Try this take off your clothes to take a shower. Now naked who are you? Which clothes can you never put on again. Why do they have to go, no matter which ones they are. It really isn't about them it is about you. For what ever reason. It is your life, can you accept not doing it. How far would you go on a high wire before you say I have to turn back. Good luck to anyone can do it.

Tess

[KellyJameson]

You may like "She's not there" by Jennifer Finney Boylan. She came out of similar circumstances as you and the comment of being an actor resonates with her story. I thought the book was excellant and found it helpful.

I think many transsexuals go through a period where they repress their actual gender identity. I always felt "mentally ill" from having this other persona that insisted on being expressed and when not feeling mental, I felt like an actor "pretending to be a man" which was exactly what I was doing.

I lived somewhere between thinking I must be crazy because of this quiet complusion to "change myself " without admittting to myself what I was trying to change myself "into" or feeling like a phony/fake/actor.

I will never understand why I identify as a woman. I really have no clue to where this identity came from or what has sustained it but it is rock solid.

Once this identity came to the forefront of my consciousness where it was undeniable the need to transition took on a life of its own. The genie was out of the bottle and not going back in so I could no long suppress my identity. (ignore/deny what I was)

Thats when things turned dangerous and I experienced depression like I have never experienced it before.

One of the reasons for suppressing my gender identity was I sensed things would get much worse before they got better, and they did.

On some level there is something to be said for living dishonestly even if it means unfulfilled but yet I say that but do not believe it, nor was I able to do it and still experience psychological wellbeing.

[Dianne S]

I read "She's Not There" by Jennifer Finney Boylan. It was a positive book, though I find Boylan a touch self-satisfied. A much more raw account is Joy Ladin's "Through the Door of Life: A Jewish Journey between Genders". Ladin had a much tougher time of it than Boylan, but the book overall is uplifting.

[Anne Elizabeth]

"Trans-gendered" by Justin Tanis and "Transition and Beyond" by Reid Vanderburgh. Both are mtf and I have read and re-read then they are starting to fall apart. As others have recomended Boylans' books are both great I would read "She's Not There" first though.

"Trans-gendered" deals with Theology, ministry and Communities of Faith If you have any spiriatual questions about transitioning this is the go to book for me anyhow.

Vanderburgh has a MA and is a licensed Marriage and Famuily Therapist. This explains just about everything you night want to know.

Donna Rose has a great book also. "Wrapped in Blue"

Both Boylan and Rose and mtf.

In my opinion all those are great reads and I have shed many tears reading all of those.

[MarieTS]

Try Carolyn Cossey's bio. She became a Bond Girl! Then there is a more recent story called Luna about a teen transition.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I read "She's Not There" by Jennifer Finney Boylan. It was a positive book, though I find Boylan a touch self-satisfied. A much more raw account is Joy Ladin's "Through the Door of Life: A Jewish Journey between Genders". Ladin had a much tougher time of it than Boylan, but the book overall is uplifting.

I am so glad you said this!! I read Boylan's book and it was very readable but it made me think transition was like a soft delicious dark chocolate caramel candy. Hehe..... Prose, humor, good nature A+ Realistic view of transition F- ok kidding...D
In your position i bet the book will drive you crazy.

In any case, get all the info you can. Lots of the books raised here are excellent. Keep in mind this is a hugely personal thing. Your situation isn't exactly like others.
We(and you) all have to deal with our life circumstance and our mental processes that helped us cope with living with all this in your head. Search the books for stories that resonate and give you ideas of what you can do to feel better.

Reading your OP< i wonder if reading about alot of transitions will make the background noise grow louder(perhaps that's what you really want..)