So it’s been a week, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about it since then, but here I go.
A week ago, I went out en femme for the first time ever.
For quite a long time, I was perfectly fine in the closet, but since last summer, I had been thinking about going out for a walk fully dressed. For me, it was some kind of a milestone. During all those past years, I was kind of making sure I wouldn’t do something like that. For some reason, this was a line I wasn’t willing to cross. You know: I always had a bit of trouble fully accepting that part of myself, and although I tend to think that I do accept that I am Calliope as much as my birth gender, the truth is that I don’t accept her as fully as I’d like.
But since last summer, for some reason, I had been thinking more and more about getting out of the house, so I decided to finally get a wig, breast forms, the whole shebang.
So… finally a week ago, being alone for a few days, and having everything I needed to entirely be Calliope, I got dressed with a nice long brown skirt with matching top, cute suede boots. I didn’t get too fancy on the makeup. A long jean jacket, a purse, I was ready to go.
It was a bit late, and because I didn’t want to walk around the neighbourhood, I knew I would have to drive some place else. I took a deep breath, a quick glance in the mirror, I opened the door, no one in sight and yet: I almost ran to the car.
I was thinking: that’s ok Callie, it’s dark, no one will see you. Except it wasn’t dark in the car. So I just turned on the ignition, and drove away. And I thought: “well well, there is no turning back now and there is no safety net either: I’m in the open, here goes nothing!”
First time driving in heels: it took a few minutes to get used to it, and then I was driving in heels as if I had done that my entire life. Then I arrived at a red light. Another car was next to mine, and I was like: “What if he sees me? What if he sees right through me?” So I kept looking at the traffic light, quickly realizing that the other driver was probably doing the same thing and not paying attention to me whatsoever.
I finally arrived to that very nice neighbourhood with big houses, mansions, where I was sure I wouldn’t be either recognized, and the only persons I would run into where people walking their dogs. I stepped out of the car, locked it, and off I was.
There was a bit of rain, very light, and I was actually somehow relieved to be able to hide myself under the umbrella.
One thing that quickly surprised me was how noisy heels can be when everything else is so quiet. The other thing was how very different it is to walk in heels in the street as opposed to a very predictable hardwood floor at home. I was walking, short steps, but soon realized how fast I was going. I came to a full stop, took a deep breath. What was the rush? The car was now far behind me, and I had certainly didn’t come that far to feel anxious or scared. The rain had stopped. I folded the umbrella, looked up: the night was young and it was all mine. I resumed walking, this time at a much slower pace, a relaxed pace, actually enjoying the sound of my heels on the pavement. I smiled, and all of a sudden I felt so right. In my head, I was even forgetting that I was dressed: I was just being myself, and I was having a nice evening walk outside.
Then I froze. There was somebody not too far away from me. A man. But the man didn’t bother to even look my way: he kept walking on the other side of the street, seemingly deep in his thoughts, he entered his home, and I kept on walking.
Curiously, although I had been scared of being caught by a stranger just a minute earlier, in a way I was disappointed that he didn’t look my way. Somehow all of a sudden I realized I wanted to be seen… so I kept on walking a bit more, eventually got back to the car, then home without anybody laying eyes on me.
So that was something. It didn’t go wrong. I really really enjoyed it. And I am definitely looking forward to doing this again as soon as I can
) back in. Congratulations on finally having reached that momentous milestone! And being a former Montrealer myself, I found your compelling story to be particularly relatable. Quebecers love their "travestis", and if you're old enough, maybe you will remember Guilda (Jean Guida), who was one of the top "vedetttes" back in the day and used to appear regularly on French-language television. 
Originally Posted by Leslie Langford
Into the car and on my way - how did I stop shaking enough to drive smoothly...not sure I did! I arrived. Where was my friend? I had rung her to tell her I was arriving - ah, there. She came hurrying over to greet me - it was the first time she had met Michelle too. OMG, am I really doing this, I thought. Here I am first time "out" about to walk into a hotel room with 20 complete strangers to make polite, intelligent conversation - I must be totally utterly barking! No backing out now...Rach led the way with me towering over her - she is only 5'4' - I am 6'4' and I had my 4" heels on. She loved my hair and my shoes and my boobs - or at least she said she did, maybe to give my flagging courage a boost.
We had a good laugh and have been great friends since. One of them even gave me my first little black dress 