Cross dressing time - Rather first impressions

[Alice-V]

My wife and I didn't have a plan for last Friday eve, so she suggested we do what each of us would want to. After giving it some thought, I've asked for some time alone to dress up. That's cool. She took our children and went to our friend's for dinner and I've finally had my second dress up (or the first one with wig and make up).

Now I'm sure m oust of you can relate to the process, which in fact was my favorite part of the evening. However, despite the many thoughts of "that looks nice", "this could use a little help", and " how am I supposed to do that?!", the most important thing was - how's this affecting my wife and I.

We've been somewhat cold the last few weeks, likely because of unresolved problems (mainly my want to crossdress), so the following days were rather plenty of thought and talk. Well, relatively anyway.

My wife's quite liberal to all that, but in her own words "I would not give a hoot if it were anyone else, but you." and that the whole thing is a turn off to her. We're not yet sure of how exactly we feel about it yet. We're talking about it. Though some things are a bit clearer to me:

1. I have enjoyed dressing up and definitely want to do that again;
2. It worries me of what it does to our relationship;
3. I still want my wife to like and love me as a man.

Oh, and 4. Eyeliner is so hard to clean off!!


So these are my impressions so far. From a newbie, so to speak, crossdresser.

[Nadine Spirit]

Hmm... Interesting read, thanks for sharing.

My marriage has survived and thrived with my cross dressing and I think it has much to do with balance. I do dress fully a few times per month, but I do gender non-conforming things 100% of the time, so there is no escaping it for my wife. So how does she cope? Well for one she has always known, but for another despite all of my blurring of the gender stereotypes, she does not want for a "man in her life." She gets plenty of that from me.

My point? balance. Strive for some sort of balance between both of your needs. If you meet her needs in a mate then she will be more willing with yours.

[Katey888]

Hi Alice,

I think your first impressions are probably very accurate regarding the impact of CDing on relationships... Being still closeted as far as my wife goes, I can only counsel great caution as to how far and fast you push this new pastime of yours... You ultimately will need to decide to what extent you can go without damaging your relationship - and she will need to decide how much she truly can tolerate such 'abnormal' behaviour in someone she is intimate with... There are plenty of examples here of both successes and disasters if you take the time to read a lot..

Oh - and if you must use eyeliner (I'd suggest black eyeshadow for starters, it is a lot easier to get off!) one of the cream cleaners or olive oil works well...

Katey x

[kimdl93]

I think you're handling this as well as you can. First of all, you're being honest with her about it. And she was being honest with you. you're communicating. Give it time. Patience and openness can work wonders.

[CherylFlint]

"She took our children and went to our friend's".
Put it on hold until your kids leave home.
The stability of your family comes before any ego trip.
Kids need a father, not a CD.
That's just the way it is. Face it.
After the kids leave home, you can play "dress-up" 24-7.

[Sierra_juliette]

#1. DON'T put it on hold until the kids grow up, they deserve a HAPPY father more than a non CD father. Your choice of clothing has zero impact on your ability to father them! Period.
#2. I agree with Nadine, my husbands ability to be all the man I could ever need is key, if he couldn't do that, I may have an issue with CD.
#3. Take the time to find the right balance, remember not everyone can grasp and understand it and if you truly love each other, you can find common ground and compromise that works for BOTH of you.

[LelaK]

My advice is don't listen to me, because I know nothing about this. Instead, listen to the smart ones here who know much. Oh, and ignore my advice in sentence #1 as it applies to sentence #2. Then solve all your problems and live happily before and after. I was just telling someone today that Norman Cousins claimed that watching a lot of comedy acts cured him of cancer. But I don't know if it can cure relationship problems much. Does anyone? Is humor a remedy? Is there a humorist in the house? Maybe you could hire a clown act to come to your house to see if it may help your relationship. Maybe CD clowns. Do any of them look attractive?

[suchacutie]

Makeup remover, olive oil, or baby shampoo will whisk that eyeliner off

As to your wife, I can only relate how my wife handles it, and has from day 1: Tina is her girlfriend.

When I make the transition, her husband disappears for that time. It helps that Tina is a completely different personality and her interests are very much NOT what my male self is interested in. As you might imagine, this arrangement lets my wife keep our husband/wife relationship as it was, unperturbed. In this way, she enjoys Tina's "visits" and the two of them do things that we would never do as husband and wife. It's really fascinating to see the change in both of us during this process, and it is just so much fun!

It works for us, and if any part of it works for you, that would be terrific!

Best,

[Rachael Leigh]

I echo others here that balance is the key and from experience it's not easy. Once you get the feeling that putting on that dress or skirt just feels right it gets tough, but your wife married you a man not the girl in you.
She needs her man time with you and most likely will always want that way more than your girl side.
I'm still learning as we all are.

[DebbieL]

Communication is key

You wife probably has a few concerns

1 - is he transsexual?
2 - will he want me with him?
3 - what if (family, friends, school, your coworkers or employer...) finds out.
4 - Is he gay - will he want guys?
5 - Is he lesbian - will he want a lesbian girl?

She may have some issues she is struggling with as well
1 - If I find him attractive - am I Bi?
2 - Do I want to be with him?
3 - Will he leave me?
4 - How can she compete with the other woman, when YOU'RE the other woman.
5 - What if he's prettier than I am?

Factors to be considered
1 - if you were a bit femme before - it might be more obvious now - even if others don't read it - she'll worry about it.
2 - if you were alpha male masculine - she might feel you are too deceptive - how can she trust you?
3 - if the marriage was already borderline - this could be a tipping point.
4 - how long you kept the secret could make it feel more like a betrayal.
5 - how stable is your economic situation - does your employer have a diversity program? Are they LGBT friendly?
6 - How would your communities react? Would friends, family, community be supportive or shut you out?
7 - How often would you REALLY like to dress?
8 - What is the minimum dressing you could accept?

Go through these questions yourself and with your wife?
Anyone else have some others?

[Alice-V]

Thank you for your replies. I'll have a lot to ponder about. And talk.

[Melanie B]

Kohl pencil is a lot easier to get off than liquid or gel eyeliner.
You can get special wipes for removing eye make-up -- they are a bit thicker but much smaller than normal face wipes, but they really do work (at least, the ones I've tried do)
I can't really help with your main question, other than to echo the comment that your kids need a happy father, rather than a non-CD father. It's only since I came out to my family that I have been able to start repairing the damage done by having been such a miserable, grumpy old **** during all the years I suppressed my femme side. But a lot will depend on the ages and genders of your kids.

[MichelleDevon]

The real issue is communication between the two of you. It is not easy for either party. In my own marriage it had been my guilty secret for almost 26 years. When I told her she went through the "gay" thing, the doubt about whether I would start going to dodgy clubs, would I leave her, the stigma of people knowing, etc. As rather a control freak this was very hard for her - it was entirely outside her experience and knowledge and, more importantly, it was outside her control. For me, it was a great release - no longer the guilty secret; for her it was a complete unknown and she didn't know how to deal with it. So she tried to shut it out and pretend, at least outwardly, that it wasn't there.

Needless to say, that didn't work - if you find something unpleasant and leave it unattended it festers. I tried many times to take it forward in a variety of ways but eventually hitting my head on that wall was too much and I found an escape route and left. The crossdressing was not the only consideration involved but it was a major contributory factor. Two years later with time to contemplate and some couples counselling and the goalposts had moved.

She had some understanding of why I couldn't/hadn't told her about it way back in the 70s before we got married, she had come to realise that her approach of ignoring it had been counterproductive. So, as part of the counselling process, we talked about it and it became apparent that there was enough left that we felt we should try again - she preferred to have me there with Michelle rather not have me there at all. So my CDing is tolerated - I wouldn't say it goes further than that.

So where do you go, Alice? Keep talking, encourage your wife to talk to others who have been here before. Maybe find a support group and suggest that you go together (I tried that with my wife but there was always an excuse - now I have given over trying and often take a work colleague with me) - I don't know if such groups exist in US, here in the UK many are organised under the auspices of The Beaumont Society, which like this site, has special areas for partners/SOs.

And as others have said, look for compromise solutions - it isn't all one-way and no relationship works on that basis. If you want to stay together then you have to find a way to achieve a balance that satisfies each of you. Your wife will need reassurance about you and what your future ideas are - and that, in itself, is difficult because you have now opened that Pandora's Box of dressing - how much or how little will you want? If you can incorporate it into your relationship as some others respondents have done then that seems to me to be the best outcome - your wife retains her husband (which is the guy she agreed to marry) but she also acquires a girly friend too (who patently is NOT the person she agreed to marry). it's tough for her, she has a lot of doubts, a lot of unanswered (and probably unasked) questions. It is relatively easy for you - you've always known about this part of you and you are probably feeling more comfortable because it is now out in the open but the opposite is true for your wife.

Communication is key, compromise is essential and a willingness in both of you to make it work. And be under no illusions, it isn't easy. What do you tell the kids? Anything, something, nothing, everything? My wife was adamant the children should NOT know - in hindsight they would have helped her through it, particularly the elder one. Crossdressing is so much more out in the open these days that everyone is aware of it and at one level it is "only clothes" - your wife wears trousers, why shouldn't you wear a skirt or dress? Yes, I know, it is far more than that and none of us here believes it is "only clothes". But that might be a start around the house, even with your children there - you are still their dad whatever you are wearing.

Questions, choices, solutions...there are many here who have trodden this path before you - if your wife will talk and ask and listen then if the will is there you can make it work for both of you.

Good luck, ALice

Michelle
xxx

[Teresa]

Alice,
One question, did your wife know about your CDing ? It seems strange that out of the blue you announce you want to dress up ! Then she calmly takes the children out for the evening !
I have the feeling your wife hasn't let all sink in yet ! She doesn't care a hoot but it's a total turn off to her ! She is going to gravitate one way or the other so take it slow until you know !

[charlenesomeone]

Alice, baby oil works great. Use a cotton ball and follow up with makeup remover cloths.
Glad you had time to yourself and enjoyed it. So many different opinions and outcomes here.
Only you know how yours is going, but like others said, go slow.

[angelfire]

"I would not give a hoot if it were anyone else, but you."

This sentence is what really struck me, because it is basically the same thing my girlfriend said to me shortly after I told her. I said "aren't partners supposed to be best friends? And you say you would support a friend who was a crossdresser." She said it was different. We are still working on things, but that was just how that sentence kind of made me feel.

Oh, and 4. Eyeliner is so hard to clean off!!

I still have trouble getting all of it off. And I've been doing this for years.

[Alice-V]

Well, it wasn't just out of the blue. I've only started looking into cross dressing a few months ago and I didn't take long to let my wife know I'd like to do that.

Our children are little still (four and one year olds), but I suppose I'll have to tell them eventually. I want them to grow up open-minded and liberal, though most of all I want them to think for themselves and decide what's what not because someone tells them so. We'll see how it goes.

Michelle, that was a very insightful post. Thank you. And it's a comfort knowing there's people with same struggles, Angelfire, I hope it's working out fine for you.

And eyeliner's a must for me. I've ever adored deep black eye make-up and I really enjoy how it looks on me. I use pencil eyeliner. Thank you all for the tips!

[Beverley Sims]

Alice,
At least you are aware of your wife's feelings.
I do suggest advance slowly and let your wife get used to you dressed.
Never try topush the issue, if you dress and she shows interest just take it as it comes, don't go overboard and get all gushy.
If she shows some uneasiness, back off quietly until you can find the right level.
At least she is talking to you and you have a good dialogue going so don't spoil it as you may never regain it should you lose her respect.

[DebbieL]

Bev points out some great things.

Keep the communication lines open both ways.
Since you are new to cross-dressing, it may not be such a big deal and you can grow and evolve together.
You can take "selfies" an let her see your best shots - when she asks. You can mention that you have them, but don't push it.

Don't be one of those "It's all about me" girls. Your wife has probably known a few of these type of GGs, selfish, self-centered, vain, self obsessed, and want to be the center of attention all the time. Nothing wrong with being your version of Cinderella once in a while, but you want to keep affirming and acknowledging your wife's feelings.

Listen keenly for what she wants. Not just about the dressing either. Often, when we reveal this secret need, our partners will reveal their own secret needs or concerns. Respect them and treat them as if they were even more important than your dressing - because they are.

Let your wife play with your girl WITHOUT your dressing. Watch the mushy romance aka "Chick Flick" and keep the tissues handy. Let her talk and share her feelings without trying to fix anything. If she wants you to fix something or wants your advice, wait until she asks you. Let her just vent and process the way she does with other women. Even ask "how do you feel about that?", and let her share those feelings while you just look her in the eye and think about how you love her and how wonderful she is.

Many of these things won't come natural, because you are a cross-dresser, not transsexual. As a guy, you don't complain unless you want somebody to do something or help you do something. You might talk about how you are angry, but that's about the limit of "feelings" with the boys. You play "can you top this?" rather than "was that something like when I did x?" with men it's competition, with women, it's empathy and support.

Look her, and every other woman, in the eye. Dropping eyes to chest for ANY woman is a "typical guy thing" to women. It's annoying.

What does Alice bring to the party? To the Marriage? Lee found out that Debbie was more organized and neater, and often would do a bit of cleaning when she showed up. Soon it was "Debbie should come around more often!".

What does Alice leave behind? Are you calmer, more serene, more patient than in boy mode? Are you more supportive?

If Alice has nothing to offer but a messy bathroom, more laundry, and more work for her, she will NOT be welcome.

If you spend an afternoon or evening as Alice and then spend the rest of the next day being "typical guy" drinking beer, eating bad food, watching the ball game, and making a mess for your wife to clean up, Alice probably WON'T be welcome.

Even if it's all about the dressing for you, she wants to know whether she is getting a friend and supporter, or another b*tch to clean up after.

[angelfire]

Many of these things won't come natural, because you are a cross-dresser, not transsexual.

I have come to realize recently, that the distinction isn't "transsexual" or "crossdresser". Transgender is a spectrum in which both fall on, but they aren't the only 2 options. And certainly, I am sure many people here fall somewhere else on the spectrum. Myself included. And if she is just discovering this side, who knows where she falls? Only she will be able to know the answer, and whatever that answer is, is perfectly fine.