feeling at odds with myself

[ashleymasters]

So I've taken the chance to dress a few times and I have enjoyed the time I got. I'm between jobs right now so I have a little more free time to play with. I just keep thinking "who would you like to be today? J or Ashley?" "would you rather wear your favorite tennis shoes and leather jacket or heels and a dress?" Sometimes I pick one and quickly wish for the other. Sometimes dressing in femme or drab feel great sometimes they feel empty. When I'm Ashley I don't stop being J. when I'm J I don't stop being Ashley. J doesn't like being encumbered with long nails, hair that gets in the way and an itchy bra. Ashley hates plain looking clothes and how dirty my hands get when I work outside. J loves that he's just the right height so his wife's head fits under his chin when they hug and Ashley hates when she feels like a giant and how big her shoe size is. I have so much fun being one or the other but I can only be one OR the other at once. The things J loves depress Ashley and vice versa. Sometimes I wish I could split into two different people. J and Ashley separate. J will be happy in Jeans and t-shirts everyday and Ashley can wear cute clothes and be girly 24/7. Ashley won't ever have to be silent because at the moment she looks like a man and no one would understand if she said the things on her mind. J won't ever feel his patience tested because he's trying to let Ashley enjoy the little time she gets. Even my wife would be happy. J won't ever have to hear the argument about his legs being shaved and stand there feeling very male in the moment and even agreeing that there's no reason to bother shaving but, knowing somewhere behind a closed door in this conflicted head Ashley feels very attacked and betrayed because she needs to be smooth and feminine. J won't have to divide his spare cash between tools and make up. Ashley won't have to prioritize every second because her time is so scarce. Normally I love my own duality but, now it just feels like a weight on me.

[Beverley Sims]

I feel that as times change you will find more time for Ashley.
Just be patient.

[Teresa]

Ashley,
If you don't under dress you may find if you do it will even out the feeling between Ashley and J ! If the mood swings one way or the other just dress accordingly !

[kimdl93]

Being between jobs is stress enough in life. Once that's behind you, there will be plenty of time to work on your wife's objections and to allow Ashley some time.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Ashley, thanks for writing this as it was incredibly enlightening. I've had conversations with my H in the past, after he's dressed and can't stand to be reminded that he's a CDer because his usual guy self finds the whole thing weird, and I've asked him if he ever finds it exhausting. He actually paused and said that yes, he does get tired of balancing things, and your post really described that weightful feeling really well.

My H is a sexual dresser though, so there's little chance he can blend this facet into his everyday life without becoming one of those lifestyle fetishists that he is adamant he doesn't want to be. I don't blame him...I always think of large gatherings of people dressed in leather and gimp masks, lol. He only dresses occasionally anyway and doesnt identify as female so compartmentalising CDing is how he's happiest.

I'm not sure your reasons for dressing but if you're not purely an erotic dresser, then maybe you can work on blending A and J's traits together and lift some of that weight? And I'm not talking clothing, but why not let J say what Ashley is thinking? The more men reject this idea that a softer disposition is only for women, the better the world will be for us all.

[Yoshisaur]

I would say if the whole duality deal is becoming a source of stress then maybe let Ashley hang back for a bit until you have more free time.

[Janine cd]

I,too, have often felt a growing conflict between my male self and Janine. I've come to the conclusion that the two of us must live together as sister and brother. When the overwhelming desire to be Janine resurfaces again, I will surrender and do the best that I can.

[charlenesomeone]

Underdressing is a big help. It ties things together. So sometimes it 100 percent fem, sometimes 75
sometimes 50, and sometimes just 10.
Enjoy how you dress but if needs are deeper, maybe counseling can help. Not a doctor but
stayed at a holiday inn last night. lol

[Marcelle]

Hi Ashely and J,

It is apparent from your post that the duality of two separate lives is weighing you as it is hard to reconcile the two into one existence. I had similar issues at first but found that integration and coexistence is the only way to deal with this. I am guy when I need to be guy and girl when I need to be girl. I know because when I spend time as one gender over the other I get to a saturation point and my other gender needs to express her/himself. I truly believe that by embracing both genders into your life, you will find balance of sorts.

Hugs

Isha

[Claire Cook]

Hi Ashley,

Like others I've been where you are. There was a long period when I'd dress, not be satisfied either with my look or whatever, and take it all off. Some of this was probably mixed in with guilt feelings. When I finally just accepted the fact that I am a CD and found that people would accept me as me, I broke out of that mold. Now like Isha when I need to be in guy mode I am, and let Claire be Claire when she can. And like Teresa and Charlene said, underdressing helps me; my bras and panties are just underwear I wear all of the time.

Maybe it just takes time to sort it all out ... if we ever do.

[natcrys]

Wow Ashley! What you wrote is are thoughts that have (for the most part) also been going on in my head!

What helped for me was telling my friends and my siblings. That way, I could always express how I feel without worrying what part of the duality I was supposed to present. It doesn't really take away the practical struggles like wanting to have long nails for Tassia.. and short nails for the boy doing karate.

But it helps in me being me all the time regardless of which part of me is surfacing at any given moment.... and this in turn makes the rest a bit easier.

I truly believe that by embracing both genders into your life, you will find balance of sorts.

And @Isha, you're completely right (at least for me you are)!

[donnalee]

Quite interesting; I've never had that mindset, I've always thought of myself as one person with a number of different facets, gender just being 2 of them.
As to the shaved leg issue, it's never come up; genetically I never had leg hair, so it's a non-issue. The only one who ever discussed it was my sister, who did have it and was envious.

[MichelleDevon]

Interesting topic...I'm more with donnalee on this one. I don't think I really have this duality issue. I love my Michelle time and I miss it more the longer I have to go without - holidays are always an issue as M never gets to go away. But I tend to think of there being two aspects of the same persona rather than two different personae. It's complicated for sure and there are friends who would say I am different depending on whether I am Stephen or Michelle.

I do feel more relaxed as Michelle and it certainly reduces my stress levels. There are aspects of being Michelle that used to give Stephen cause for concern - shaved legs and body, painted nails but I have learned to live with that and if someone says something then, depending on where I am and who I'm talking to, I am quite likely to talk about my alter ego and show them some supporting pictures on my smartphone. A side-effect of the medication I am on for my enlarged prostate is that it may cause growth of "man boobs" - as I said to the specialist nurse who prescribed it, Well, that won't be a problem". Sadly, there doesn't seem to be any significant change - do I need to increase the dose?!!!!!!!! Would be nice to have my own real boobs and it wouldn't be an issue for Stephen...

My wife used to love my hairy legs (and, in truth, I was always quite proud to have the hairiest legs on the beach) but she has accepted that they are a thing of the past - Michelle would no way let them be hairy again. Having said that though, I did find the lack of hair on both legs and body to be significant in winter months - a pair of stockings or pantyhose is absolutely no substitute for a good crop of leg hair! And it still amazes me, 7 years on from first wearing a wig, how much insulation is provided by hair on your head - it is so long since I had any quantity of my own...I sometimes wonder if Stephen should have a wig too! - can't easily share Michelle's - the style would not really work!

No, I don't feel I have a problem, Michelle and Stephen just co-exist as different parts of me.

Michelle
xx

[ashleymasters]

Thank you ladies for the responses. Each perspective offers something unique.

I have been especially frustrated lately. a few years ago my wife thought i was having an affair. I felt it was finally time to come out to her. I told her about the dressing and immediately she freaked out. She begged me to purge everything and swear off dressing, even delete all my photo's of Ashley. mistakenly I said i would. later that year she offered to explore the issue but, sensed that the offer was a test and partly rooted in guilt. I knew the answer she wanted to hear was that I was happy without Ashley. Recently i admitted that i did want to make more room for Ashley in both of our lives. she shunned the idea completely. I've continued dressing secretly and i still shave my legs which she complains about constantly. Last week she forbid me to shave ever again. J is a lot more hard headed than Ashley so that ended up being a huge argument. It just stinks to be torn between two parts of myself sometimes. There just aren't enough hours in a day to have enough J and Ashley. it's always one or the other. I hate also that i feel pressure from my wife. anyway. life is good and i'm glad to have all of you sisters to share with.

[MichelleDevon]

Ashley/J, I do feel for you. We have almost all been where you are to some extent...and it sucks. Some of us are lucky enough to have managed to move on; some have partners who engage enthusiastically with our alter egos, others, like mine, tolerate it.

For sure it sounds as though you have a real problem there and not one that is easy to solve with just the two of you. It takes me back to my short separation from my wife. Like yours, when I told her she freaked out, although, in fairness to her, she never asked me to stop or expected me to purge, she just didn't want anything to do with it. This was just one contributory factor in my leaving her some 5 years later. Two years on, when my situation had changed again and I had been having counselling, the counsellor suggested we have some couples counselling. He saw my wife for several sessions before we went together. What that all did was to allow each of us to talk to a disinterested third party separately, he was able to help us to understand where we were and what we might be looking for in the future.

When we eventually got into our joint sessions we were able to talk to each other without it becoming a slanging match or us shouting at each other. The counsellor acted as referee and directed where we might go and what we might talk about but they don't have the answers - they can only help you to find your own answers. The upshot was that we decided we had enough shared history and had sufficient in common that it was worth trying again. We are still making it work but I am not sure our perspectives on the marriage entirely coalsce. I love my home alone time and I am inwardly dreading impending retirement because I fear that I will not have sufficient Michelle time/space.

This week has been brilliant - I have been off work with a stomach bug - she has been out most days with work or grandparental duties and today she has gone off to visit her 95 year old uncle whose health is in severe decline. So I have had 4 consecutive Michelle days at home...wonderful! It makes me realise how much I need that space...I don't want to be 100% Michelle but I do want to be able to be Michelle quite a lot and I would love us to do things as together whether I am being Stephen OR Michelle. That's a big ask but it isn't entirely off the cards.

So for you Ashley/J I do think you need to find a way to talk to each other in a calm rational way - a counsellor may be the way forward and I would advise separate sessions before any joint ones - that way you have each had the chance to get your concerns off your chest to someone else who is not involved. It is a "safe" way to unburden yourself. I cried buckets in my sessions but it is a cathartic experience and ultimately it did indeed give us a way forward.

Good luck

Michelle
xxx

[MsVal]

I don't have discrete masculine / feminine states, and therefore do not fully understand your plight. Even so, I wonder if it would be helpful to put a lot less effort into keeping J and Ashley separated. While presenting as J, can you relieve some of the stress by permiting some of Ashley to emerge? Can J take advantage of down time by playing a mind game: imagining the taste of lipstick, the scent of perfume, and the touch of pretty things?

Best wishes
MsVal

[mechamoose]

I suggest that it isn't an either/or question.

Who and what you are is YOU. It is how you choose to present that is the question.

I have worn earrings since I was in my 20's. I used to have a rat-tail down to my butt. (Why I cut it off is a complicated story) It took a leap of faith for me to start wearing nail polish on my ring finger at work while doing the close-cropped hair and dress shirt thing. Then I stepped up to painting all my nails. I had already been doing my toes for years. The road cycling club knew it, only because you HAVE to take off those shoes & socks after doing 50+ miles. The ladies in my team gave me nothing but positive feedback.

At work, I could tell that certain folks didn't *like* it, but they were not allowed to say anything because work rules. I wore girl versions of 'work clothes' every chance I get. I'm 'hidden in plain sight'.

I took the steps I did when I was willing to take a step forward into the 'questionably' safe area. I could stay huddled behind my size and beard and never be questioned... but that isn't me... rather, it isn't *ALL* of me.

You have to ask yourself, not only what other people think, but why does it MATTER what they think?

Be YOU, honey. That is the only way you will ever truly be happy.

<3

- MM

[Rachael HK]

I was in a somewhat similar situation to yours. Although I had told my wife I crossdressed, and she had even seen me a few times, before we were engaged, neither of us understood the intensity of my feelings. We discussed it a lot before we got married, but I guess that we each secretly thought that we could get the other one to change. This lead to years and years of unhappiness--we stayed together because we deeply love each other, but this seemed an insurmountable obstacle to our happiness. It lead me to a very deep depression--almost to the point of suicide. I kept hoping that when I asked her if I could dress around her, she would eventually say, "I don't like it, but I know how much it means to you, and because I love you, you can..." Turns out, no. What I had done was given her carte blanche to veto my dressing, at least while she was around. (And to those who say, why did she have to be around--well, because she is the person I love the most, and everyone wants to be understood and loved and accepted by the person they love the most. It's not a selfish thing, it's just a human thing.) The veto power worked so well for her that she was never going to give it up, and over the years of my accepting that veto, she'd come to believe that I was okay with it, too. After loads of counseling I withdrew the veto I'd given her. I kept her informed of what I was planning on doing, and I left her out of most of it--I didn't dress around home with her, but I did start going out, meeting other transpeople, going to conferences, acquiring a decent wardrobe, piercing my ears, shaving my arms and legs. I respected her ultimate boundary, that she didn't want to be around me dressed--I got more of what I needed and gave her some of what she needed, too. Those were tough years also--I was happier but she was unhappier. I should have been more careful about making sure she knew that she was more important than the clothes, that I had no intention of leaving her and the kids, those sorts of things--I told her but should have told her and shown her more often. Eventually, though, we have come to a place where on Halloween she will go out with me dressed in a woman's costume--this year I was Minnie Mouse and she was Mickey, even! I leave the house dressed, she sees me but I don't stay dressed at home if she is here. Both of my adult children know about me and are accepting. I hostess at a Gay Bingo (they are very accepting people and good friends, but not lovers) once a month and have some fabulous costumes. I go out dancing or shopping or to dinner with friends several times a month. I'm taking bellydance lessons. Neither of us has everything we want--honestly I want to transition, and she wants, well...a husband who isn't trans in any way. But we have each other, and that is the most important.

None of this would have been possible if I had let her keep that veto. When you say she forbade you to shave your legs, and she shunned the idea of incorporating Ashley more into your lives, I see that you are doing exactly that. They are YOUR legs--what right does she have to FORBID you to shave them? She can ask, she can beg, she can cajole, but she has no right to forbid. (Some might say 'forbid' is just a word, but no, it's a concept and a horrible one for us.)

Anyway, best of luck. The dance floor beckons me!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It seems important to me that you stop seeing yourself as two different people, but rather one person comprised of various feelings. By making your life so black & white it encourages you to focus on what both 'sides' don't have, and you're creating or perpetuating a no-win situation.

You need to integrate your various feelings if you are to be a whole person and it sounds as if your wife is making that impossible. The pain you feel is not because of having two sides- everybody has conflicting instincts- you feel pain because you are not whole. If your wife refuses to see the pain you are in, then you need to get her to see it, as kindly and clearly as possible.

If you want to stay with her, it's going to have to be largely on her terms at least for now. I can't recommend strongly enough that you find a qualified counsellor to talk to about these issues. This forum is great, and at least you can come here to have some girl-time, but the problems you are having aren't likely to get better unless something changes pretty radically.

Aim to become whole, for you, rather than aiming to have 'Ashley' be accepted by your wife. Right now your wife sees 'her' as a 3rd person in the marriage.

Hugs and sincere best wishes, Nikki

[mechamoose]

Nikki:

"It seems important to me that you stop seeing yourself as two different people,"

Truth, honey.

You have to accept you as YOU, even if that means boobs and hips, or if it doesn't (like me).

The truth will set you free. DON'T be sorry for that. You are YOU, right?

It may be inconvenient. It may be difficult. But don't lie to yourself. You are who you are.

TRUTH, folks, Consequences be damned.

[Alice Torn]

I can sure relate to being "torn. That is why i call myself Alice Torn, as i am torn, a lot, too. I hope maybe a good therapist, not too awfully expensive, could bring you two to some compromise. If there is still hope. If not, a separation for a while may be in order.Pretty good advice on here, about integrating your sides into one.

[ashleymasters]

Girls thank you again. I just wanted to answer a few things. Firstly I do completely agree that I need to correct the way I have communicated my needs to my wife. That is for sure. Even if I just tell her that I will continue dressing and if she doesn't like I just won't say anything about it or involve her. Secondly I don't entirely agree that the compartmentalization on my part is a lack of acceptance of what or who I am. I have always felt two distinct personalities. I think I always will. It's one thing to say that Ashley wears this and J wears that. Tastes in food, music and tv vary between the two. They use words differently. Both halves make the whole. Even when I've had uninterrupted privacy to present as whichever I please, I still face the predicament of wanting to do it all and not having the time. It doesn't help that getting ready takes Ashley 2 hours sometimes. When I've been home alone for a week I've been confronted with shopping, or playing pool. Sure I could do both but it throws off my shot to be in heels and a waist cincher and sometimes . It's just too much fun to do everything.