Changing Times and the next steps

[KlaireLarnia]

History lesson first as I do not post here often: Two years ago I started on a journey which I never thought I would be able to take. Previously my old job would occasionally take me on business trips (to attend court cases) where I would dress whist travelling (be it in a car or on the train) as well as in the hotel I would stay at thus giving me limited freedom to dress – but in court apart from my underwear it was male smart dress all the way. I understood it was a big part of me, but my employer would not allow men to wear earrings so what I was doing whilst travelling / alone would have probably got me sacked had they found out! That said after I lost my job due to redundancy I had to attend one last court case for them and in that I did wear earrings, and a female collared satin blouse & female suit (and to say my now ex-employer was not impressed with how I looked when I came back dressed like that would be an understatement, but it felt good doing it because it was a smack in their face for making me redundant and let them see my true colours!).

Anyway, with my change of occupation and company after my redundancy, I grasped a chance to become more public in my dressing in a work environment which ended up feeding into and from my casual dressing I did at home. Even though I already wore knickers daily this was to be a more public show and step forward. I was lucky in the fact I was working for a relatively small company so my "exposure" would be somewhat limited but it was still a big leap to take.

My plan was to wear female versions/variants of male clothes, so I started simply: wearing women’s trousers because they are similar to men's and easy to pass off. Later and with slow steps over a year I changed my jumper’s to more formal female ones, using them to disguise blouses/shirts which would later be worn under them. The blouses where always single colour ones with collars and buttons up to the collar, so they would not always be instantly obvious. Getting my ears pierced opened new options and I moved to mostly female jewellery as well. A change of office led me to removing my jumpers at times, testing the water further and saw was swap shoes for leather effect 2inch wedged ankle boots. Then with another change of office (to where I am now) and with patience, the transition to a fully female working wardrobe was eventually completed. This pretty much worked hand in hand with my public wearing of casual female clothes outside of work as this level of comfort transferred to my personal life where I became more open in wearing women's clothes, but always keeping it line with that my wife/daughter would accept and the above philosophy.

I now have an extensive wardrobe of women's clothes, all of which my wife is aware of as it takes up a complete wardrobe and 4 clothes drawers – You can take a look at most of it: here. Nothing is hidden because I wear female clothes publicly on a daily basis. My wardrobe has work shirts & blouses (24 shirts of various colours, materials and translucency, 3 satin tops which can be used as undershirts for the translucent shirts/blouses), vests (2 lace trim, 10 standard), jumpers & cardigans(13 work, 13 casual), formal trousers (7), casual trousers inc jeans/cropped jeans (14), shorts (6), coats (4), nightdresses (7), knickers (20), bras (40), shoes & boots(6), T-shirts (19) and 6 other general casual female tops. All that remains of my male clothes are 3 formal shirts, 3 t-shirts, a pair of trainers and that's it – these are kept because I know there are times when I need to present a more male look to ensure my wife is comfortable such as Christmas/birthday parties or if we go round specific friends houses where people do not know of my dressing. The rest of my male clothes though have long gone.

There have however been some noticeable changes over the past couple of months and these where not intentional, more naturally progressive I think. I wear a bra daily now; it feels natural a vital part of what I wear. These are often with silicone enhancers in while at work (and sometimes at home). One pair is new and firm, the other is older and softer/squishable – so do not make my chest look as big. This has the impact of giving me a more defined feminine chest shape which I find feels natural & right to me. I keep a pair of 4inch ankle boots there and wear them most Fridays. I can sense and see the change in how I am presenting, the subtitle female overtones of 2 years ago are gone. I am no longer trying to disguise how I am or what I am wearing. People at work have been very tolerant / accepting and I have not had any (obvious) negativity towards me and people just treat me as they always have. This I greatly appreciate and is perhaps why I feel I can take the steps I have. In the last month my wardrobe has had items such as a collarless satin shirt added to it {LINK} along with a woman's loose fitting blouse top with a large collar {LINK} and more recently a scoop neck formal blouse with zip detailing {LINK}. Wearing these openly and not hidden under jumpers is starting to happen the shirt has been on show a few times, the other blouses will get small, limited unhindered exposure soon and certainly by the end of the month. The feminine aspects of what I wear are no longer subtle ones and are now very much at the forefront. Due to wearing female clothes I have to carry a handbag every day as I simply cannot put things in pockets because they are either too small or simply not there! My male wallet was binned over a year ago a women’s purse is used 100% of the time now. I do have a unisex over-the-shoulder bag I can use when out with my wife/daughter though – so again it allows for consideration of their feelings and the perceptions of others when out with them.

On Saturday the 15th November whilst doing overtime I wore a smart/casual top, dark boot cut jeans, my heeled boots and 3cm half-hoop earrings (See below). I happened to look in the mirror after washing my hands during the morning and what I saw was a well balanced feminine look that any woman would be pleased with. And best of all it looked good on me rather than looking wrong. I would happily have walked down the road and let the world see how I looked because for one of those rare moments.... I felt right, I felt perfect. I was complete...

JD Williams - Joanna Hope Lace Up Detail Jersey Top.jpgSimply Be - Basic Bootcut Jeans Length 30 inches.jpg

There was nothing subtle here and this is the sort of thing I wear daily to work – and I would wear that outfit in public if I could - because this is what... who I am and I feel no shame in not hiding it. Far from it, I want others to see the real me and not a facade presented to try and make others happy or comfortable. Yes I understand that for some people it is a little strange and maybe uncomfortable, especially because there is no sexuality/gender issue there (i.e. I am not homosexual or seeking to change gender) – but as long as it does not change the standard of my work, how I do it or how I interact with others: is there a real problem? For many this is something you simply cannot do for a number of reasons be it because of the nature/position of your job, family issues, negativity sensed in perhaps more narrow-minded colleagues etc which is why I write this. I want people to see it can be done if we grasp the chance; take our time in transitioning the items we wear. It’s the tortoise and hare situation, the slow steady move/change wins over the sudden quick change because people can deal with that better and easier.

The downside is that as much as you get and do, you always want more. There are inevitably more steps which can be taken but as you progress and wear female clothes in place of male ones on a daily basis those steps become harder because they have increasing risks of negativity as you move from male to female versions of items and then to specifically female items (such as many casual blouses or jumpers for example). This is where I now stand. The only steps I can now take forward are into the realms of clothing for which there are no male equivalents or variants I can transition from. That would be:

Fashion World - Petite Pack of 2 Jersey Skirts.jpgFashion World - Denim Midi Tube Skirt.jpgFashion World - Pack of 2 Short Sleeve Swing Tunics.jpg

I have never worn dresses or skirts. As I said there are no male equivalents of a skirt or a dress – leaving the kilt aside as this is not something worn in the mainstream. Thus there has been no need or option to transition to from the male to the female version of them. Trying to wear them in any sort of public forum presents a number of issues:

• First of all because there is no “public” option for general day-to-day wear because wearing a skirt/dress or anything resembling them in open public whilst presenting as male, would be a no go unless you are either very famous / a fashion designer or simply want to subject yourself to a lot of stares/negativity/ridicule from the general public.
• From work perspective, it is one thing to wear feminine clothes which match the accepted business dress code or can be somewhat concealed under jumpers etc; it is another to something which pushes the boundaries of social acceptance.
• We also have the transition issue between home to work and then work to home. By this I mean the gap between my front door and my car which is parked at the rear of my house. Do I want to be seen wearing a skirt between the two or as I leave/enter my house?
• What would my wife say/do if she found out I wore them outside the house? It is one thing to wear female version of male clothes and wear bras etc which she accepts and does not have any major issues over, but a skirt/dress is a much bigger thing. This and the point above can be gotten round by changing at work but do I really want that hassle and having to take 2 sets of clothes and then explain why if asked?

These things all mean that that next step forward is like trying to jump a canyon... on a bicycle... backwards....with the wind against you. There is a high risk of failure, but if you do it the reward will be beyond imagination. Now there is a way to do this but it is not something I am prepared or willing to do and that is present as female. However for me this is a step too far from my perspective; it’s about wearing what I want, when I want. It’s not about trying to be something or someone I am not. The other alternative – to sit down with my manager or one of the higher bosses and explain what I do/why and ask for permission to wear such times in work – is not something I feel I need or should have to do. Again, I consider that a step too far. There is a case for this but how many of us who do dress publically to any noticeable level would really do this? Other than those going through gender reassignment, I doubt anyone would because there no quantifiable reason for what we do outside of gender assignment issues. So is there an option here that could offer me a way of testing the water without serious risk? Well possibly there is.

On the 5th December, we will be short staffed. This is due to more people than would normally be allowed being on leave. Out of 12 people 6 of us will be in. In my part of the office it will be 2 or 3 maximum. So there is scope for a “test run” of sorts, likely using the red or grey tunic tops above. I am going to get some textured leggings (denim style) to go with them so if things do not feel right I can either tuck the tunic n or swap it for a {female} t-shirt I will carry as a backup. This way I can see how I feel, because confidence is a primary issue here. If do not feel comfortable I will not be able to do this irrespective of how others may feel.
Now it may be that this will not work and any use of skirts/dresses gets limited to home when I am alone or there is a very low risk of being seen. It could also be that I find and use that, so perhaps have less flared out tunics and stick with ones that look like long t-shirts or use tunic jumpers which effect the a similar appearance to short dresses which can be pulled up to disguise them a little when needed. There is always a solution, the hard bit can be in finding it and working out what the best one for you is.

I learnt many, many months ago, the biggest thing that holds us back is not always the public reaction because we can only second guess what that will be at the end of the day. It’s about having the confidence to stand there and do something considered “out of the norm”. To say to the world “this is me” and let others bear the burden of any issues with it. Putting in and keeping in the forms, getting my ears pierced & carrying a handbag are three good examples of situations where confidence had to be strong enough so I could deal with the change made to my outward appearance. I now have the confidence to leave the forms in place, wear almost any earrings and walk with a handbag on my shoulder now - so I do because it feels right and lets me present the look I want and feel I should be able to. Whether it is right or wrong, whether others have any issues is not really my concern here. Let others wrestle over this because I have a life to lead and don’t have time to deal with their problems.

Thank you for reading this, sorry it was so long but this could not be said in a short post as it would not have said the right things or got across what I wanted to say.

[Annaliese]

I read the whole thing, and that is what I have been doing over the last two years, just presenting as my self, Love this post, just love it, thank you and hugs

[Jackie7]

<Now there is a way to do this but it is not something I am prepared or willing to do and that is present as female. However for me this is a step too far from my perspective; it’s about wearing what I want, when I want. It’s not about trying to be something or someone I am not.>

I read your thread and enjoyed it, you echo many thoughts and ideas I have had over these last 20 years. I'd like to suggest, however, that you re-think the chunk quoted above. From the outside, what you are doing looks a lot like presenting as female, why not embrace that? It wouldn't put you on the gender reassignment track, unless of course you wanted to go there.

[CynthiaD]

I enjoyed your story. Thanks for sharing.

[Janine cd]

I think that you are a very brave and determined person. I commend you for your courage and wish that I were as brave.

[Beverley Sims]

I wish you all the best and I hope it does all progress well.
You seem a very forthright person and strong willed into the bargain.
I do wonder when some say brave, I wonder if that is the right word.
I think you need determination.

[KlaireLarnia]

Thank you for the positive comments so far. It took me three days to write that and get my thoughts straight.

From the outside, what you are doing looks a lot like presenting as female, why not embrace that? It wouldn't put you on the gender reassignment track, unless of course you wanted to go there.

In my mind there is a difference between presenting as female and wearing female clothes whilst presenting as male and this is why I say what I say. Yes I appreciate that on the outside the female clothes do give a specific look and how that is perceived from a distance is one thing, but when you get "up close and personal" or speak to me then you see that that under it is a man and one who acts and looks like one. To present as female in my eyes is to look and act as one (i.e this whole going en femme) and this is not who I am. I am deep voiced, use "bloke speak", I scratch my backside and privates etc. Not attempt to disguise or hide that. Only the clothing changes.

It could only be a mental thing where the distinction exists in my mind and rests comfortably with where I am and that I also understand. I will state that I am not going to go down the gender reassignment track. That has never and will never be on the cards. My body, other than being fat and lacking in the breast department is fine and correct as it is.

[bridget thronton]

Thanks for a very thoughtful post

[Gardener]

Hello Klaire, you wrote at length and thoughtfully. I felt you wanted to tell the World how you feel and how proud you feel. Rightly so. You look tremendous, speaking as an older man, who would never have been able to do what you have done because of the nature of my work and I guess how I am physically shaped, I admire you and am also a tad envious. Good luck in the future and thanks for taking the time to share your story.

[Katey888]

Another thoughtful and well-written post Klaire - you do make some good points and raise some interesting questions as always - I enjoyed reading about your perspective and do wish you the best for your 'trials' (of a different sort, now...)

I can understand the normative view of gender and clothing - I've lived and worked embedded in it my entire life, as we all have, and clothing does send all sorts of messages. The biggest issue, as you say, is with other people understanding your message - or rather, misunderstanding and misreading it, potentially to your detriment. Nothing you have suggested should be construed as offensive or inappropriate, but there will always be some who choose to see it the wrong way.

I do have to raise a question with this comment, however:

Yes I understand that for some people it is a little strange and maybe uncomfortable, especially because there is no sexuality/gender issue there (i.e. I am not homosexual or seeking to change gender)

I do think you should reconsider this - particularly with respect to how you push the envelope of your dress mode at work. However you may perceive yourself, others (including me, actually) will consider wanting to dress more femininely being evidence of a gender issue of some sort. Let me say by 'issue' I don't mean a 'problem' - but simply an aspect of the condition we all experience to some degree. You don't have a problem but your perspective of what is an acceptable mode of dress for your gender is at variance with society's norms - this doesn't make it wrong, but it does mean it's different. I think we all experience this and need different ways to express that difference. Mine rarely impacts on the muggle world - but yours is posted very strongly for all to see. I would strongly suggest that you do consider speaking to your managers or HR about the way you would like to dress. At the very least this is demonstrating respect for the organisation and the social mores that it supports in standards of dress for its employees, but it may also mean that you are able to get a formal acknowledgment and confirmation of what would and would not be considered acceptable. I wouldn't want you to undermine your position unnecessarily if there was a relatively easy way not to.

Good luck again - I think you present a very reasonable case for more flexibility in the gender perspective of clothing!

Katey x

[donnalee]

I find your reasoning and outlook quite interesting. After viewing the pictures of your work appearance, the leap into a skirt doesn't seem to be such a great one (your picture is wonderful, by the way). I think you are putting a lot of confidence in the work rules as a protection, but it seems to be working for you so far.
Looked at logically, there shouldn't be any problem with how you dress, but I've found that logic is a rare commodity and those who can apply it to all areas of life considerably rarer. I would be quite interested in how things progress for you. I am 5 years retired and am 24/7 as I don't have these issues anymore, but would like to hear more about yours.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Donnalee and Gardener are under the impression that Klair has posted her pic in the text- I believe the pic is a model.

Klaire- you've gone to a huge amount of trouble to describe your way of seeing yourself, though I'm still not sure I fully understand you. It's puzzling that you feel comfortable to wear breastforms and wear feminine earrings, yet not to wear a dress even in private- though you have posted pics of dresses and skirts you might one day wear.

I looked at the link to This Is Me, and am adding the biography there to my impressions.

You wish to present as male, but frankly, men do not wear breastforms and hoop earrings if they want to fool the other blokes. It's as if one part of you insists on being a bloke, scratching your equipment, etc, while the other part wants to act girly and buys 40 bras despite severe financial strain, yet there's only one person here.

The bloke wrote this post, the bloke writes the blog, the bloke is very much in charge...or so he thinks. Meanwhile, Klaire is figuring out ways to push the envelope, to see how far she can go - breast forms, the 4" ankle boots on Fridays; throwing out the wallet, spending all the money she can get her hands on, eg, the 40 bras; getting the ears pierced, planning to get away with a little more femininity while the co-workers are away, etc, etc. She's more in charge than you think!

FWIW I think the bloke is doing his best to keep the boat afloat, paddling like mad, being an honourable man and a loyal husband, raising a child, paying the rent- while Klaire wants to go shopping for the girliest things she can get away with, and somehow justifies considerable expenditure on herself.

Is this not a considerable strain on the bloke and his wife?

You say in closing "...whether others have any issues is not really my concern... Let others wrestle over this because I have a life to lead and don’t have time to deal with their problems....". That comes across as defiance, as if you refuse to hear anyone else's point of view- yet you took 3 days to write this post for us to read and you are also extremely concerned about your image, about projecting the man-voice, about staying within the bounds of public acceptability (worrying about wearing a skirt between the back door and the car for fear of what the neighbours might think).

As I say, I'm puzzled. You appear to write from the head, not the heart, and although you lay out a masterplan in great detail, between here and your blog; you tell us only a few brief sentences about how you really feel- much of the rest is lists and justifications (excuses) for being more feminine (and you certainly don't need to justify that to anybody here).

I'd encourage you to take some Klaire time, and have her pick up the pen (or even a paint brush) in the opposite hand from your normal, and just let her doodle away on a big, blank sheet of paper. She's real, she isn't going away, and she's getting noisier and noisier, and it appears she's asking for more and more housekeeping money. Try to let her emotions out more- she plainly has much to say.

I hope you'll forgive my bluntness- I wouldn't bother if I didn't sincerely care what happens to you.

Nikki x

PS Klaire can write to me if she would like- I'm a little intimidated by the bloke.

[Gardener]

If Nikki is right and I have been misled by the pictures then I feel somewhat gutted. Trust is very special and I would have hoped within this forum there was total truthfulness. Am I naive?

[KlaireLarnia]

Sorry for the delay in writing again, I only access this site when my daughter is not around so had to wait for her to go to bed

Gardener / Nikki - I never said in or implied my post that the image was me, I said that this was what I wore to work. There was no misleading or misdirection implied. I have not and will never post any image here that shows my face, this is why I use my SecondLife character (Klaire) as my avatar image. This is as close as you will get to seeing my face. If I gave the wrong impression then please accept my apologies for it. The 5 posted images all appear in my on-line wardrobe link if you look.

Katy888 - Thank you for your thoughts, they are very welcome. There is not "HR" department in my company we are too small. One of the admin staff handles most of that and what she cannot is outsourced to someone else to do. In respect of speaking to a manager, there are only 2 I could do so. My direct manager and the one above him. My own manager is not the sort of person you have this sort of conversation with - not because he would react badly but because it would be an uncomfortable silence which would end up with "you really need to speak to xxx about this.". The other manager is wrapped up with some more serious business atm so while I could approach him I know it would be a case of him wanting to deal with it later and in fairness he would be right. It may be a subject that I will broach in the near future and it is on my mind, but for now there is no need. I am concious of not going too far but I am not going to hold back either if that makes sense. I will know when the time is right for this and if it needs to be addressed and if/when it does - it will be.

In respect of my comments on sexuality. I hope that wasn't taken the wrong way, all I was trying to say is that in my mind there is no sexuality concerns or gender issues. I see myself as a straight male with no dislike of my body. I do not consider dressing as a sign of a gender issue and this site has taught me that often it really is not and nor do I consider those here who go en femme as having gender issues either - because again I know a lot do not.

Nikki - There is no "Klaire" to speak of and this is something in me that people have in the past failed to grasp (and I am not accusing anyone of this here btw this is a general comment based on reactions from a number of places). Klaire is a character from Second Life, she is who I created when I started to explore my feminine side using second life back in 2008. I rarely use SL now but she still exists there because of the history I have in that world. Klaire exists here because I had to give a name to join the site and I may as well use one I hold elsewhere.

Being a Gemini I see myself as having who sides, male and female but after a time they came to be one. Where traits of both guide my life and how I act, react, dress, consider things etc. People here often talk about letting "Nikki" out or "Sarah was able to do this or that". I do not see that and never have or will. I am me, I am complete, there are no two sides. Yes the feminine side may be stronger in terms of how I present myself to the world but that is because this is who Steve (not my real name) is. I do not put on a nightdress and become someone else or want to talk about girly things or the latest celebrity c**p. My interests outside of my clothes are very male based.

Please don't take this the wrong way your comment "Klaire can write to me if she would like- I'm a little intimidated by the bloke." is patronising to me because of the above. But if it makes you more comfortable to believe Klaire exists so you can deal with how/why I do this, then please continue to do so.

---

Everyone else thank you for the positivity. I will let you know in time what, if anything, changes and whether I do what is planned for December so those that are interested can find out.

I know this is different and seems muddled at times, but imagine explaining the core of your existence to someone you don't know in one go. To tell them how far you have come and where you could go. To open your world to allow others to peak in knowing that their own experiences, their own perceptions largely will not match yours - but you feel that there is merit in doing it. I dropped my curtain for a moment and let you all see... How many others would be willing to do that?

And for that I am grateful that the majority here understood and appreciated what I did. Thank you all.

[Marcelle]

Hi Klaire,

Very interesting and well thought out post. I guess when it comes to dressing we all have to agree there is no rule book. Whereas you feel comfortable dressing in female clothes while presenting "male" others would prefer to present "female". However in the end we are all still male (TS folks aside who are trying to bring congruence between birth sex and target sex). So when I go out as Isha, while I may take great pains to use make-up, wig (funny thing is I don't use forms), alter my voice and mannerisms, I hold no illusion I am a woman. I am just me . . . I am not wearing women's clothing at that point I am wearing "my clothing". So like you, I am who I am regardless of who I present.

You seem to be in comfort zone for you and your family and that is a good place to be. Thanks for sharing.

Hugs

Isha

[Joan.Meredith]

Klaire,

I feel that you have done what some of us want to do, but either can't or are too scared to try. Congratulations, also I was curious how did the "test" run do on the 5th? Where you comfortable enough? Did anyone say anything to you? If you want you can PM me instead of posting here.

Joan

[KlaireLarnia]

Hi, sorry been quite busy since then. Okay update as requested.

I did the test run but not as I originally planned. Instead I did it over two days - well technically a day and a half as I will explain.

On the 5th I did wear a tunic but not the one I planned. The originally idea was to wear a swing tunic (the grey one shown) on the 5th and see how it went. Fashion World - Pack of 2 Short Sleeve Swing Tunics.jpg
I was also planning on wearing leggings, but decided in the end that that may be a touch too far at this time and opted instead for denim style jeggings (a sort of half way mixture between leggings and jeans which are fully elasticated/stretchy so hug like leggings whilst looking like jeans).

However on the day before as I thought and made final plans I changed the tunic to one which did not have the skirt style bottom:
Simply Be - Heart Print Pack of 2 Panelled Tunics.jpg

I went with the non-patterned tunic thinking this would offer a mid-point. It would be obvious I was wearing something longer than a standard top because the tunic comes below my crotch level but whether people thought it a tunic top or a dress would be up to them. I went with this idea and wore it on the 5th. No problems at all, a couple of glances I noticed which is fair because it is a step up from what I have worn before but nothing adverse or negative. Even my old manager (who is now joint 3rd in charge of the company) came in kinda did a double take but said nothing. All in all a good "test run".

Come last Friday. I had a half-day due to needing to use up paid leave before the end of the year. This I thought would be a time to try the swing tunic. So I choose the red one but thought it prudent to wear a long waterfall cardigan as a precaution as it would allow me to cover it if needs (rather than tuck the tunic bottom in my jeggings).

I am.... undecided... on the result. Did I get any negativity or bad comments? No. Did I feel comfortable, truthfully... not overly. Sat down it was fine but I was not happy standing and walking. This is more about me, than my work colleagues this time. At home on Monday (on a day off) I wore the grey swing tunic all day when alone and was 100& fine, but I think in public it is crossing that boundary of men and skirts/dresses which in the back of my head is socially wrong - despite me knowing it is right and okay to do in my mind. It's like holding two north facing magnets together and trying to get them to join up. Technically they can, but some invisible force stops it happening.


So what have I learnt? Well tunics are fine in themselves. But ones with flared out skirt like bottoms are going to take work to wear. A-line straight ones are not a real issue. Can I work on this? Yes, do I know how - not really at this time. The other thing I learnt is that wearing normal leggings in winter is stupid as your legs FREEZE! I now have black/blue & white jeggings to cover this in winter. I may try proper leggings when it warms up again but I will need some casual flat shoes as well which I don't have at this point.

Tomorrow is the office party/meal in the afternoon (oh yay he says with no hint of sarcasm. Honest!)... I am wearing my normal work clothes but like most others will change to something a little smarter before we head off. For this I am wearing an orange shirt and white blouse/top as an under-shirt as shown (remember these are not me, but models from the on-line stores I use).

Kaleidoscope - Essential Shirt.jpg6e4a1a6d53482e12fd17f72b36898c07.jpg

I wanted something that expresses who I am but has a smart look but not over the top, smack you in the face and shout "LOOK WOMENS CLOTHES" - although it does do it, it's not massively in your face

Let's see how this goes. The two owners are there tomorrow (we are a company of under 30 people) hence I am toning it down from what I could but I am not disguising who I am because I still see no reason to.