I'm scared...

[Aubrey Skye]

I'm literally writing this with tears in my eyes....I really don't know how much longer I can keep up this "charade" of pretending or not pretending to be who I am. I've been crossdressing since I was 13 (now 23). At age 18 I discovered that this was crossdressing and began to explore it more. The more I explored the more I discovered that I think I was transsexual. This frightened me to no end. So I hid it, tried to repress it, do anything I could to "get rid of it" and be happy as a male. This ended in many failed relationships with girls and one awful marriage that ended in divorce. While in the marriage I did everything I could to not want to "dress." This became unbearable. I was depressed, severely depressed. I was seeing a therapist but they just said I was wrong as they were Christian based and I was made a man! I was sinning for wanting to be a woman! That is another topic though. I had hoped marriage would "solve" the issue and I'd be "cured." Gosh I was far from it. Now here I am three months divorced during this separation I have been realizing yet again that I believe I am transsexual. The issue is, I'm scared out of my mind. I don't know what to do. I feel like everything I've ever known in this world is all of a sudden changed and completely different. I don't know which was is up or down anymore it seems. I try to be and act happy and put on a "happy face" and I do it pretty well. But I'm depressed, so much. I have parents who are still loving me but believe deep down I can get past this, be a man, have a "happy" family and kids, and just live life like "I'm supposed to and born to do." I don't know if I can do that. I'm still discovering who I am but I honestly think deep down I'm just still avoiding the fact that I know to be truth, I am transsexual. But that sends shudders down my spines and brings me to tears. Not because it is bad to be transsexual. But because I'm not sure I'm ready for that path. I have no idea how to be a "woman." I just know that I don't like my male body and I envy a woman's body. I don't feel like a man, never have. I've tried to act like one, but deep down I always identified with girls more and got along with them more, because I felt more like them. I feel like I'd be really happy having a vagina and boobs. Obviously, this is not the reason to get SRS, but just one of them. Another thing that frightens me is if I do go down this path, I'd just about 100% be a lesbian. While nothing wrong with that either, this country and my family in particular, still and ready and are still fighting "gay people." LGBT community is starting to make strides and I think it will continue to do so. But I not only would be changing my sex on the outside, but I'd (in a way) be changing my sexual orientation as well.

This is all so much. What I basically came to say is I'm scared. Very, very scared. I don't know what to do. How did you get past the fear???


P.S. I am seeing a therapist and she is fantastic. She helps me a lot. However, she is not well trained in gender dysphoria so I think at some point she just will no longer be able to help me.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hello Aubrey,

Thank you for telling us your story. We hear how badly you are hurting.

I think everyone here understands how you feel- most of us have questioned our cd instincts at one time or another- certainly we've all read of others who are going through similar feelings to your own.

It sounds as if your social background makes life harder, but perhaps you are reluctant to move away from it, even though it's boxing you in? They're still your family/friends/church/peers after all, but maybe their values are so different from your own that some time away from them might be healthy?

Since you're so clear about your femme side, and how strong those urges are, it seems you have little choice but to accept they are going to be a part of your life. But that doesn't mean you have to go the whole hog and become a woman- you're young still to make such a big decision, and you certainly shouldn't contemplate TG procedures when you're in emotional turmoil.

I'm glad you've found a therapist you like, and your assessment that you will likely need a more specialised, experienced therapist is sensible.

Meantime, try to step away as much as possible from people who judge you and criticise you, even if they're people you are close to. Look at protecting yourself first, taking time to get on with daily life, job, education, whatever- then in a while, when you're in a calmer place, you can begin to deal with where your gender issues are taking you. Right now you simply have too much on your plate.

Visit here as often as you like, it's a safe haven.

Peace be with you-

Hugs, Nikki

[Persephone]

You're not alone, Aubrey, in our own ways at one time or another we've all been there.

Right now you're surrounded by people who may not understand you and that can really drag you down.

The fear probably feels huge, bigger than you can handle, but it really isn't. It is made up of many smaller things and if you can take it apart, piece by piece, you can climb over it.

You are able to climb over it. Life can be better on the other side.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[kimdl93]

Wow, you've packed a lot into 23 years of life. Consider the marriage and the first, unfortunate, ill informed 'therapist' as learning experiences. Now, you're working with a better therapist, but answers won't come overnight. Work hard and be patient.

To the point of your thread, I would guess that most of us here have "feared" that we we transsexual at some points, and many of us have overcompensated in a variety of ways. I spent much of my adult life conflicted by such fears and desires. In the course of time, and after years of therapy I came to a relative peace with who and what I am. I've had a good life, two good wives, and great children, and now I'm enjoying a much more open life as a transgendered person.

There are a lot of possibilities open to you, and getting the therapy now is putting you years ahead of most of us. You can have the life you want in all respects. Your future is something to look froward to.

[Dianne S]

I'd echo what others said: Find a good therapist. I don't know if I'll get in trouble for posting this, but I think you should stay away from therapists affiliated with a religious organization. You want someone open-minded, not someone who may already have religiously-based preconceived notions about gender identity and sexuality.

Also, depending on your financial resources and family situation, consider moving to a more trans-friendly place. A supportive environment can make a huge difference and you should seize that opportunity if you have the means.

[Eringirl]

Hi Aubrey: Thank goodness you posted here!! It is good to be reaching out...it is the right thing to do and we are all here for you. I totally get that you are scared. I think we all were to a certain degree at a some time. I have been there, heck, some days, still am there! I don't think this is uncommon, sad to say. But you are doing some things right. Coming to this realization is a big step. Take your time. There is no rush. It is not a race. I am glad that you are seeing a therapist and that you like her. However, she should be able to refer you to a gender specialist if this gets beyond her training. And take advantage of the therapy. When this started way back for me, I was going weekly for a while, then monthly, then only as I needed. But things change and stuff comes up. I am back to monthly just to keep tabs on what is going on in my furry little brain.

Take a breath. Do things that make you feel better and stay plugged in and use whatever resources are available to you. And of course, stay in touch here. Things will get better.....I will keep hoping that for you.

Erin

[Marleena]

Aubrey you need a trained gender therapist instead. This is too serious of a condition for her to learn as she goes along, ask her or your GP for a referral instead.

As for being scared, I totally get it but dealing with it now is a good time. I hit the wall in my twenties also, didn't get help and now the GD came back again in my late 50's. So just know it won't go away and now is the perfect time to deal with it. I have just asked for a referral for another gender therapist because I'm still having a hard time dealing with it.

[Angela Campbell]

Wow, getting past the fear is the million dollar question isn't it?

I can't tell you what will do it, not even sure how I did. I was also so afraid, terrified, so much so. I however always knew I was a transsexual but I thought I could beat it. I didn't. Or maybe I did. All I did was transition.

I guess it took getting to the point where I felt like there was nothing else left for me.

[Annaliese]

I sound like you know the answer, and you had wrong therapist, you need to find one that specialize in Transgender issue. It you told your x would she say that make sense now. Be your self, don't hide it any more. Follow your heart girl. Be who you are.

[arbon]

I got through the fear only because I did not seem to have a choice. I could not keep living the way I was.
Most of my fears were much worse the reality though, and I also discovered I am a much stronger person then I ever thought I was.
Somehow once you get moving down that path you are pushed along and things work out, maybe not quite the way you had envisioned or hoped, but they do. What seems impossible becomes doable.

[Promethea]

Honey, we are all scared shitless. What moves us forward is the greater fear of what we already know and hate.
I see myself in what you wrote. I have been there, my story is not that different.

If what you knew in life was a charade, pretending to be somebody else, failed relationships, an awful marriage and depression, then thank goodness it's gonna change! Anything is better than that.
Nobody knows how to be a woman, not even cisgendered women do. If you focus on fulfilling an idea of how a woman has to be (someone else's idea), you will still be pretending. Just listen to what you feel and be the woman you are. In whatever way feels right for you. Just be.

What country are you in? Sometimes the best is to go to a more accepting place. But a spiritual master once told me that us transsexual people had come to this life to teach others to be accepting of differences. She praised that as a very commendable mission, that takes a lot of bravery.

I'm also trans and les. That makes it harder for some people to understand, but strangely it makes it easier for some to accept. In my experience at least.

I'm with the others in suggesting you start seeing a specialized therapist. I will do the same soon.

We're all on the same boat, Aubrey, you're not alone.

Hugs!

[KellyJameson]

Being a transsexual and transitioning is extremely dangerous. In my opinion someone not scared of that fact is not in their right mind.

Hundreds are murdered all over the world every year and often murdered in the most brutal fashion.

Many are ostracized and live at the fringes of society. It is rarely glamorous as the media portrays it.

There are unknown long term risk factors with the hormones. Complications and risk of death from the various surgeries and no guarantee you will feel better after transitioning. Transitioning is brutally difficult on some level and in some way for everyone who does it.

It is easier for some but that is relative to what others go through.

The challenge is to become comfortable being scared so you are not incapacitated but instead motivated.

In my opinion that feeling of "living deadness" may be "absent the fear" but it is also absent everything else.

At least with fear you know you are alive.

Sex did not influence me one way or the other because I needed to live my gender identity more than I needed to experience sex and sex was broken for me anyway because of my gender identity.

You may find that all works itself out later so I personally would recommend avoiding labels concerning what you are or will be sexually.

For me the hormones affected me sexually. They gave me clarity where before there was ambiquity. That's just me though and nothing should be drawn from that. My sexuality had never been exactly awakened and was on hold leading to an indifference that changed about eighteen months in. Kind of weird but in a good way and just shows you sometimes you really do not know yourself until you do.

Being a woman is complicated but I suspect being a man is complicated also. Men interact with other men as men do and this is true for women as well but only it is different. Mainly the expectations are different but there is no rigid rule book but more unspoken and accepted rules.

It is not even so much what women expect from each other but how they have been shaped because they were born women that they bring into their interpersonal relations. You will learn to trust your instincts/emotions and largely let go of overthinking things.

It is difficult in ways you would never have thought so, but easier in ways you would have thought it would be hard.

In many ways it is backwards from what you are expecting it to be, or at least it has been for me.

To a certain degree it is like riding in the passenger seat with a driver who is not completely honest about where you are going. You have to wait and see where you end up.

Trying to be perfect or thinking you need to be perfect is a good way to freak yourself out. Focus on the actual dangers to life and limb.

To transition is to move from doing something that screams being irrational until you realize from what you experience as you move forward to how rational it actually is.

[Brooklyn]

I'm sorry you are suffering. Everyone has to face their fears sooner or later, but you don't have to do it all at once, fortunately! Just keep a list of things you need to do and start tackling them one by one. Having a plan to follow should make you feel better. And rather than imagining the worst about your future, think about the best possible outcome. Consider how fortunate and courageous you are for dealing with this in your early twenties, when most of us suffer in silence for many years beyond that. Decide that you are going to do what it takes to be happy, and know that you are strong enough to get there.

[Veronica_Jean]

Aubrey,

I don't know of anyone I have met that wasn't afraid of how this would affect them and their future. You do need a trained and experiences gender therapist to get you to a place of peace.

I struggled with two things that may help you with your struggle. Mine were how I felt I had been born this way and yet everyone feels it is a choice I was making. I knew since I was very young I was different and eventually realized that was because I was a female but could not understand how that was possible. Like you are struggling with now, I tried to make a "normal male life" with a wife, children, job, everything. But the problem with it all is I was not actually a male.

I feel God does not make mistakes and I was born like this for a reason. I also feel that just because my body appears male does not define my gender as male. I waited until I was 54 to transition and It has been the right choice for me.

As I said I feel I was born female and there is nothing I can do to change that. I have no choice in how I was born. I do have a choice in how I live my life. In that I choose to live female as that is what I am. I am not a male with a mutilated body, I am a female with a birth defect and had it corrected.

Fear is a good thing as it allows us to realize the serious nature of what we are doing and we go slowly getting there. Many have lost a great deal. I am not among them. My losses were by those around me passing away. I lost many very close family members before I transitioned. when I did transition I lost very little except all the baggage I had been carrying around for 40 plus years. I kept my job, my family, my house, my security clearance, and gained my life. All the things I was certain I would lose I didn't.

Only you can find your own path and find peace and happiness. A good gender therapist will help you find that place. The journey is firghtening and I got there by just having faith I could, and I did.

hugs,

Veronica

[Rachel Smith]

Oh the fear! If anyone that has contemplated doing this or actually transitioned says they did it without an ounce, most likely tons, of fear I would find suspect with possibly the execption of the very young that perhaps don't know fear yet. If you do it when you are older I don't see how you could. Even after jumping off the proverbial cliff I still had a lot and I mean ALOT of fear. If I hadn't had the support from Michelle and my therapists I surely wouldn't have made it, at least not successfully. You need all the support you can get from the very begining. Doing this will definately test your mettle. That is why professional therapy is needed so badly. You have to be able to figure out exactly who YOU are before taking the action of letting the world know.

Was it easy? NO. Am I a better person today then I was before transition? I feel I am and I am definately truly happy in my life now. No more depression so bad I didn't want to do anything but lay in bed all day everyday.

Do the research on you and no matter what decision you make I hope it is the right one for YOU.

Hugs
Rachel

[MonicaJean]

Consider how fortunate and courageous you are for dealing with this in your early twenties, when most of us suffer in silence for many years beyond that. Decide that you are going to do what it takes to be happy, and know that you are strong enough to get there.

I can’t agree with Ashley more, it only gets worse as you get older. Add kids, (ex)spouse, inlaws that summarily reject you…you’re amazingly courageous in my book, anyone that faces their fears like you are doing, is an inspiration in my book. I don’t care if you’re 2 decades younger than I, it’s courageous of you to get to this point and far beyond.

How did we deal with the fear and get past it? It’s not easy, as you have experienced. It’s a wall of fire, once your past it, put out the fire, and move on. Ask yourself, can you continue to bow down to all these things or will you let them go and choose to be you? The real you is a beautiful woman, you know that…we know that. May we see her soon?

[Nicole Erin]

I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.
For the horror stories about Ts getting killed - what they often leave out is the fact that they were prostitutes or they passed real well and were dating some thug and didn't disclose their gender status. Don't be doing stupid stuff like walking around bad places at night dressed like harlet. I doubt you do but still don't.

The friends/family you lose will be those who are already on shaky ground. The good ones will not care what you do.

With the physical junk like HRT or surgeries, yeah you gotta be careful. Avoid it altogether if you can. You look like you would do just fine without.

With being lesbian, that is fine. Some women will date TS. I been out with a few women. Even got laid a couple times.

Things might be harder cause when you are young, the world is still trying to tell you how to live. You get a little older and the world gives up.

[Rachelakld]

being male - I always want to "fix stuff", so in that mode, try living as a woman after hours and weekends for a while and see how that fits?
I don't mean put on a mini skirt and walk the streets at night, but do normal women stuff, like in my photo hanging out with Santa at the mall today while I was shopping and having my morning coffee.

If this works for you, take your time and become the you, you want to be.
Some girls learn who they are when they meditate and look inwards for more understanding

[MirnaMinkoff]

Aubrey, I see you are in WV. I don't know where in the state but there are areas that can offer you support (Charleston, Morgantown, Eastern Panhandle, etc...) I know the southern part of the state is a difficult area for almost any life form to survive, but esp. LGBT people. There are several people on these forums that live in WV and can probably offer support and guidance to you.

Did you see the story in the Sunday Gazette paper about two weeks ago about the forum member Anne2345? It was all about her life as a transwoman in Charleston and it was great. Anne was a 42 year old spouse, father and attorney - yet she was able to fight her fear and live authentically as a real woman right here in WV. If she can do it, you can do it.

You are still young, free of major adult responsibilities (like children, career, etc...)that build up over the years and very lucky that you have recognized your GD in your early twenties. Most members here wish they would have been able to tackle their GD in the early 20's.

First, knowing WV they way I do, STOP going to the "christian" counselors. Most likely the counselor is a kook and more interested in ensuring you are a good christian than a happy, healthy human being. WV allows people with next to no psychological education and/or just a diploma mill degree work as "religious counselors" and it's dangerous and harmful to people, esp people like you. Find a non-religious affiliated counselor within your region. You may have to drive to Charleston, Motown or Martinsburg but it is well worth, see if you can find one that specializes in GD or gender issues. If you can't find a counselor that has experience with GD, then just a counselor without the religious propaganda baggage will be a big improvement. You need to talk to someone who doesn't base their therapy on parables written by men who lived 2,000 years ago and think that it trumps modern science, medicine and decades of authoritative research on GD.

[DebbieL]

I'm literally writing this with tears in my eyes....I really don't know how much longer I can keep up this "charade" of pretending or not pretending to be who I am.

Thank you for having the courage to share in this group. Most of us have been right where you are, some longer than others.

I've been crossdressing since I was 13 (now 23). At age 18 I discovered that this was crossdressing and began to explore it more.

Unfortunately, it's also the part that can often be the most acutely painful. Technically, you aren't a cross-dresser, your a transsexual, you heart, soul, brain, and maybe even much of your body, is female. When you dress like a girl, you are dressing like yourself. When you dress like a boy, THAT'S cross-dressing.

The more I explored the more I discovered that I think I was transsexual. This frightened me to no end. So I hid it, tried to repress it, do anything I could to "get rid of it" and be happy as a male.

You won't outgrow it. If you are transsexual, it's dangerous (and unethical) for a therapist or doctor to try and push you to keep being a boy.
You didn't cause it, it was something you were born with. There may have been one or more causes, but without a detailed diary of your mother's earliest weeks of pregnancy, it would be hard to say what. Assume that it was genetic and your genetic soup gave you a girl's brain, a girl's body, and a boy's penis. Not your fault.

This ended in many failed relationships with girls and one awful marriage that ended in divorce. While in the marriage I did everything I could to not want to "dress." This became unbearable. I was depressed, severely depressed.

Of course relationships were difficult. Even if you were attracted to girls, those girls seemed to expect you to look, act, and relate to them and others as a man.
Some women can become very abusive when you don't act the way they think a man should act, possibly manipulating, emotionally abusing, or sexually abusing you. Read up on domestic abuse, you may find that the definition fits.

There are two kinds of depression, and one or both can be at play at any given time. Clinical depression is a medical condition caused by chemical reactions in the brain that tend to create a low energy level, lethargy, and often negative emotions. Often there are problems with sleep cycles as well. Some people are bipolar, swinging from manic where they can't sleep, have too much energy, and have difficulty staying focused, then swinging to extreme depression, which can leave them feeling tired, frustrated, and unable to focus.

Situational depression is a direct chemical reaction to negative thoughts. For example, if a parent dies, you get divorced, or you lose your job, you may be overwhelmed by feelings of worry, guilt, shame, regret, and a lack of self esteem, security, and/or ambition. In Clinical depression, the chemical reactions cause and impact the thinking. In Situational depression, the thinking causes chemical reactions in the brain. In some cases, the two can feed each other, negative thinking induces chemical reactions which cause negative thinking...

Suppose that you had just been convicted of a crime you did not commit, were denied any chance of appeal, and were sentenced to life in solitary confinement without the possibility of parole? Would you be happy about it, or would you be a bit down, maybe even depressed. What about after 10 years in solitary? How about after 20?

Being trapped in a male body when your insides, the core of your being is female, is a bit like that. You can interact with other people, but they are not interacting with Aubrey. Let's say your boy name was Joe. When Joe gets praises and recognition, Aubrey has to listen to Joe getting all the credit, getting the praises, and getting the rewards, but Aubrey has to stay hidden, because Joe believes that if anyone knew about Aubrey, Aubrey would be hurt or killed. Joe doesn't really exist, he's someone Aubrey created to protect herself from a dangerous world, much like the big talking head in the Wizard of Oz. Aubrey probably started to create Joe when she was 5 or 6 years old, perfecting the costume, the mask, and even the ability to act like a boy, all to survive. But Joe is no more who you are than what ever name your birth parents gave you. Who you are is Aubrey, even before she had a name, she was you.

I was seeing a therapist but they just said I was wrong as they were Christian based and I was made a man! I was sinning for wanting to be a woman! That is another topic though. I had hoped marriage would "solve" the issue and I'd be "cured." Gosh I was far from it. Now here I am three months divorced during this separation I have been realizing yet again that I believe I am transsexual.

The issue is, I'm scared out of my mind. I don't know what to do. I feel like everything I've ever known in this world is all of a sudden changed and completely different. I don't know which was is up or down anymore it seems. I try to be and act happy and put on a "happy face" and I do it pretty well. But I'm depressed, so much.

Of course you are scared, even terrified. Remember, you created "Joe" to survive in a world where Aubrey was in danger. You wore boy clothes, had short hair, but the boys saw Aubrey. They hurt her, they bullied her, and they scared her. So you improved your ability to be "Joe". You finally got good enough at pretending to be a boy that the bullying stopped. Being Aubrey again brings back the fears and feelings of the 6 year old. The good news is that you are a big girl now, and you don't have to be afraid of those kids anymore.

I have parents who are still loving me but believe deep down I can get past this, be a man, have a "happy" family and kids, and just live life like "I'm supposed to and born to do." I don't know if I can do that. I'm still discovering who I am but I honestly think deep down I'm just still avoiding the fact that I know to be truth, I am transsexual.

You really need to spell it out for them. Let them know about all the times you DIDN'T tell them about getting bullied, called names, and physically attacked. Don't just think back to the first time you cross-dressed, think back to the times in elementary school when you were the last boy picked for a team, when the boys hit you because you "throw like a girl". To survive, you hid that suffering. They have no idea how much pain and suffering you have already experienced. It's NOT THEIR FAULT. The parents of mass murderers think their children couldn't possibly be that bad. Do you think the could possibly read through a mistress of deception who could even deceive herself into believing she was a boy to survive?

But that sends shudders down my spines and brings me to tears. Not because it is bad to be transsexual. But because I'm not sure I'm ready for that path. I have no idea how to be a "woman." I just know that I don't like my male body and I envy a woman's body. I don't feel like a man, never have.

Changing your gender is a HUGE change. Our natural instinct is to fear change. Moving away to college is scary, moving to a new city is scary, changing jobs is scary, and changing you gender can mean changing ALL OF THE ABOVE and AT THE SAME TIME. Add up all those stress factors and you are pretty much off the chart. You may love being a girl, but you will have some fears.

I've tried to act like one, but deep down I always identified with girls more and got along with them more, because I felt more like them. I feel like I'd be really happy having a vagina and boobs. Obviously, this is not the reason to get SRS, but just one of them. Another thing that frightens me is if I do go down this path, I'd just about 100% be a lesbian.

There is another option. You could be attracted to women, and be very attractive to a bisexual woman. There are many bisexual men and women who find transgender and transsexual women very attractive. Try to be the "best of both worlds" if that's what you want. Being a lesbian would be an option post SRS.

Consider a broader spectrum in partners as well. Try to distinguish the being attracted to a girl who is dressed pretty and has a pretty face or body from your desire to BE that girl. If you had a choice between a very feminine girl who wanted you to be a man, or a more masculine and aggressive woman who wanted you to be her honey girl, which would you choose?

Apply the same rule to men. If you had a moderately attractive man who treated you like a princess or a queen, loved seeing you in pretty outfits, and loved that you were a very feminine and pretty girl, would you chose that?

While nothing wrong with that either, this country and my family in particular, still and ready and are still fighting "gay people." LGBT community is starting to make strides and I think it will continue to do so. But I not only would be changing my sex on the outside, but I'd (in a way) be changing my sexual orientation as well.

Certain places are "safer" than others. WV is not the best with laws. You may want to consider alternatives such as MD, DC, DE, or NJ. These states have laws protecting transgender people as well as gay, lesbian, and bisexual people.

http://transgenderlawcenter.org/equalitymap

This is all so much. What I basically came to say is I'm scared. Very, very scared. I don't know what to do. How did you get past the fear???

Good, this is a normal reaction. It's perfectly OK to have a whole jumble of emotions. Hope and dispair, fear and courage, joy and fear, all wrapped up in a nice package. No, you are not crazy. You are a woman trapped in a body that the doctor thought was a boy's. You have tried your best to accept that diagnosis, but that diagnosis was wrong. Even the boy face in your profile looks feminine, but the doctor didn't know that when he signed the birth certificate. He had to put "Male" or "Female", and even if he put a question mark after Male, the transfer to electronic records would have wiped out the question mark.

P.S. I am seeing a therapist and she is fantastic. She helps me a lot. However, she is not well trained in gender dysphoria so I think at some point she just will no longer be able to help me.

Hopefully, your therapist has at least started doing some homework about it. Gender Dysphoria can be very confusing to a therapist. When I was put on a 72 hour hold, they diagnosed me as bipolar, paranoid, schizophrenic, with homicidal and suicidal tendencies - or I was just an alcoholic and drug addict. Yet when I hit a crisis while in treatment, and they pushed hard, asking me what was the real problem, when I told them I wanted to be a girl, they couldn't even talk to me about it. That was back in 1977.

There has been a LOT of clinical research and empirical studies of the transgender population since 2008. The survey statistics were shocking. Suicide rates, alcoholism, drug addiction, prostitution, and crime were very common, largely because many were thrown out by their parents, couldn't get quality employment, and had to turn to these activities to finance their HRT and SRS, often from doctors who were not really doctors. This was especially common among older respondents. The mortality and morbidity rate was close to 75%

At the same time, the recovery rate for those who completed HRT and were able to successfully transition was remarkably high, as high as 95%. If you had cancer and had a 25% chance death and a 70% chance of being disfigured, crippled, or declared insane, and you could take a pill, patch, or shot that had a 95% chance of giving you a happy, healthy, responsible, productive life, would your parents tell you not to take the treatment because it was "unnatural?".

In many cultures, including the Hebrews in the time of Leviticus, death was often the "cure" for many illnesses. Babies with even minor birth defects were killed, left out in the elements to be killed by animals. In war, all male children were killed along with all women who had ever been pregnant. Young girls were often sold into forced marriages, often to elderly men willing to do without a dowry for the favors of a girl too young to argue. In that time, bodily fluids were likely to attract poisonous snakes, scorpions, and other deadly creatures as well as spreading deadly diseases.

Today we live in a world where thousands of birth defects are corrected every day. The birth defects may be a hairlip, a cleft palate, or ambiguous genitalia. We don't say "let the kid die" because they were born with less than perfect bodies.

You will have to decide whether your family will support you in getting the competent care you truly need. If not, you may need to seek out alternative arrangements. You should use your current therapist to help you plan these changes. This may include moving to other more friendly states or cities. What you don't want to do is run away from home to escape the hassles of home with no plan, no resources, no arrangements. This is how thousands of transsexuals end up in prostitution as T-girls. Many thousands died in the 1980s and 1990s because doctors wouldn't treat them, employers wouldn't hire them, and they had no legal means of earning the money for AZT or other treatments, let alone HRT.

If your father needed heart surgery, would you send him to a veterinarian? How about a butcher? How about a chiropractor?