giving up crossdressing

[Megan.]

Hi everyone i need some very important advice is it possible to ever give up crossdressing i may just be entering into a relationship and i don't want it to spoil things for us both if not would i need to tell her upfront early on into the relationship or keep it a secret thankyou

[Barbara Maria]

Hi Megan.I guess anything is possible,depending on how much a part of your life it is.Only you can answer that.One thing I do know is,if you intend to continue no matter what,be honest with her from the start.It may save alot of trouble down the road.

[Danitgirl1]

Hi Megan
Of course only YOU can know you, but as you asked and fwiw here is my story.
I crossdressed as a child and teen. Shortly before I met my wife I 'stopped this nonsense'...
I then met my wife and fell in love. The urge died away for about 15 years nada, nothing, no desire at all.
Then a few years ago WHAM!!! It was back and it was back BIG TIME.
The hardest thing was telling my wife. She felt I had been keeping a secret, which honestly I had for a few years, but then again, how do you tell someone this VERY scary thing. It is tough. So if you ask me it may go into hibernation/dormancy but it doesn't disappear and honesty is the best policy BUT of course it comes with great risk... As with all things with great risk comes great reward (if it all works out)... Be careful, make sure you are both ready and do what is right for you both.
But essentially no, I dont think it is possible to stop... But that is just me...

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Tough decision. If you feel the urge to cd now, you're probably safest assuming that you will feel it again in the future. It's part of you. Think of yourself as a whole, of which some part is female, or feminine. Given that men have nipples too, for no apparent reason, it isn't illogical.

If you try to ignore or suppress that femme component... well you might as well pretend you have no nipples.

There are two risks here. Risk 1 is that she'll react badly and dump you. You move on.

FWIW I believe if she can't accept all of you, then you're not losing that much- she's got emotional limits, she's judgmental, maybe even a little bigoted. Is that a person you see a future with, cd or no cd?

Risk 2 is that in some years' time, maybe after kids have come along, maybe after you've bought a house, the cd urges will return and you will not be able to ignore them. She may, or may not accept that you have a femme side- and if not, and she dumps you, you're looking at many years together down the pan, disrupted childhood/s, and an expensive divorce.

It's a no-brainer isn't it?

At least on paper...

[Michelle789]

Megan,

I'm sorry to say this but you won't be able to give up crossdressing permanently. You might be able to stop CDing for a while. Maybe for a few months or maybe even a few years, but ultimately the desire to dress will come back, and with a vengeance. Your desire to dress will get stronger as you get older, not diminish.

I would seriously consider being up front and tell her. Maybe not on the first date, but maybe after a few dates tell her about your CDing before you get too involved and too committed. The last thing you want to do is go without CDing for 6 months or a year and then suddenly, your desire to dress comes back and you tell her "honey, I'm a crossdresser" a year into the relationship.

[Donnagirl]

Megan,

There are some of us that 'unintentionally' or unconsciously gave up crossdressing for many years. I, personally, dressed as a kid but stopped around 13 and did not start again until about 46.... Not sure why I stopped, but I stopped... During the next 30+ years, although I might chose a 'female' costume for a fancy dress party, there was no urge.

I don't know why it came back, but the urge to dress was strong and got stronger... A few times now I have tried to stop, to give it up and just 'be the man'. Spectacular failures... 'She' fights back so much harder... I can push her down, deny her time, refuse to dress but she always wins. Generally after I've stressed out badly, become an intolerable individual and emotionally hurt those close to me.

Counselling has helped me accept that 'she' is an indelible part of me. To fight that is foolish. I would suggest the same is true to some degree for you. Talk to a counsellor. Admit to your partner that you dress at the earliest opportunity. Build the relationship around this, not hiding this. Read the threads and see the commonality of mistakes made... Repeating them with the knowledge and experience this forum can provide is daft....

Personally, I would hate to see someone repeat the many mistakes I've made. It's only through the wonderful forgiving nature of my wife, family and friends that I did not irrevocably damage my relationships....

Hugs, I think I know how you're feeling...

Donna

[Eryn]

Michelle is correct. You can stuff it into a tiny corner of your mind but it will always be there making you unhappy. I did that for most of my life and I don't recommend it to anyone.

I think that the correct time to tell her is if things start to get serious.

[vicky_cd99_2]

Megan you should be honest with her in the beginning. You will never be able to get rid of your girl side. She will creep back into your life. The harder you try to repress the urges the more tore up you will be emotionally. I tried so hard to suppress the feeling for a longtime, I went through wild mood swings. I now have to live a total double life. My wife now knows Vicky but that almost went way wrong when I finally came out to her.I had to come out to her or it would have basically destroy me. Good luck to you in whatever choice you make.

[Kate Simmons]

We are pretty much "hard wired" for this so you can't really give it up . It's kind of like the "Id" beast in "Forbidden Planet". The best we can do is learn to control "it" and not let "it" control us.

[Melanie B]

If you dress purely for some sexual thrill, then I guess (but I don't know) that it may be posible to kick the habit. If there's more to it than that, I'm afraid mine is yet another "vote" for "no, it's not possible".
My own story is that I started experimenting when I was a kid-- about 6 or 7, I think.
I managed to suppress the urge most of my life by doing macho things -- serious sport, joining the armed forces, growing a beard, etc. etc. But the urge resurfaced intermittently -- mostly when I was going through particularly stressful times. And I managed to convincemyself that when I ws in a committed relationship, it would go away for good.
But I was wrong. More than 20 years into a steady relationship, it has come back stronger than ever.
I only came ouut to my SO about a month ago -- and it was the scariest thing I have ever done. It was far worse than looking down the wrong end of a loaded gun, underwater searches for explosives, or crashing a motorbike.
But I'm one of the lucky ones: she took the news amazingly well, has given me advice about clothes and make-up, has been out and about in the vanilla world with me, and says she is happy to have Mel as a friend.Part of me thnks how silly I was to miss out on all those years of shared experience just because I was too scared and misguided to tell her sooner.
But she has also told me that if she had known I was a CD when we first met, she probably wouldn't have allowed the relationship to develop, so I know that telling a prospective partner is risky. Overall, I think it's probably less risky (and a lot less scary) to tell her sooner rather than hoping it will go away.
But it's a tough call, and it's one that only you can make.
Wishing you all the best, whichever way you decide.

[Teresa]

Megan ,
Don't put yourself through this, your Cding is not going away ! You'll feel even worse if you purge and then have to resort to using your partners things !
I know it's a difficult decision, you want to be honest and yet you want a relationship to work ! Being stuck in a closet for another thirty years is no solution either !

[bimini1]

I used to try to give it up all the time when I was younger. Throw stuff away, burn it even. Therapy. No dice. So a few months ago I did an experiment. I said, I am just going to stop dressing and see what happens now. Just try to stave it off. I felt good at first, strong. Then after a few weeks it became almost unbearable. I got depressed, moody. Unless it just happens one day on its own, it won't be from any concerted effort from me.

[charlenesomeone]

I've only read one story of someone giving it up. Do a google search.
Add me a another who has tried and gone back.
But being honest up front even if it's only based on a maybe, seems the best approach.
Good luck, lots of great advice here.

[Katey888]

Two questions Megan - one difficult, one less difficult to answer...

Is it possible to 'give up'? Probably - but it's more suppression than giving up... the urge is likely to always be there, even if it can be suppressed for years.

You don't want it to spoil things? Then you either have to tell upfront - and keep in mind most women will find this condition intolerable - or be prepared to keep a secret forever; for life... Or know that you can suppress it forever...

Your life - your choice... the toughest choice of all, perhaps...

Katey x

[Amanda L.]

Definitely not an easy question to answer and the only person who can advise you on what to do is you.
From the experiences of cross dressers who have tried to give it up the unanimous conclusion seems to be that the desire may go into dormancy but never leaves. This has been my experience and when it came back it knocked me off my feet. Do I like the fact that this has happened? Well not at first, it took awhile to accept and when the pink fog descended I thought that it was great and I could handle it. Do I think that now? Well since I told my wife 5 weeks or so again life is certainly not filled with lollipops and unicorns. It is possible that our relationship of many years could end.
At the moment I am feeling numb to the whole thing. I don't care about my dressing, I don't care about myself, I don't care about much at all.
So should you tell your partner? That's going to depend on how well you know her and yourself.
Good luck

[Sandra]

I and I would guess most GGs would prefer to be told before things get serious, and not be told or find out years later.

[kimdl93]

You're in a critical moment. The temptation is to tell yourself, with the best of intentions, that you are willing and able to quit crossdressing for this woman. But let's ay the relationship lasts and later the desire to dress becomes overwhelming. Then what?

Maybe you can, but you would be the exception. Certainly CDrs have quit, some have quit many times. Better to ask if you would quit today, if not for this woman.

Instead, perhaps you should be considering how to tell her, and when to tell her. Any idea how she might react? Think this through carefully.

[Jenny Elwood]

Is it possible to give up crossdressing? I would like to believe anything is possible. (I mean the Wallabies won the rugby world cup (twice)!!!) It will probably be the hardest thing you will ever achieve in your life. It will also probably be the greatest. The downside? You probably won't get to tell anyone of this truly monumental achievement, and believe me, it is monumental.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

[Dianne S]

Yes, it's possible to give up crossdressing. But here's the real question you need to ask yourself: Is it possible to give up crossdressing and to be happy, comfortable with yourself, and true to yourself? That's the tough one.

[Beth Wilde]

Anybody can stop crossdressing..... But here's my view, this is how I can best describe the time I tried:

Anybody can stop eating too but there is that need..... The need that starts as a gentle desire, but it builds up if not satisfied. It gets worse but you can ignore it. It gnaws away at you and makes you very unhappy. Unlike starvation, not dressing can't kill you but depression can and I have friends who've got to that stage. I genuinely believe that being a CD is for life not just for Halloween. While I don't want to discourage you from forming a relationship, your best chance at happiness is to be in one with somebody who understands. Is it worth risking a life of misery for a partner? Only to break down 10 years down the line or to sneak around dressing when you could have told her on day one?

Good luck however it goes and please remember this is only my view.....

[TanyaWonder]

The downside? You probably won't get to tell anyone of this truly monumental achievement, and believe me, it is monumental.

Could you explain this? Because I would probably tell anybody whenever I felt like it

[Jackie7]

I don't think it goes away. Dormant for a while sure, but it comes back more so as we get older, or did for me.

While you can't predict her reaction, it's not fair to her for you to assume the worst. Your best shot is to treat her as the fully formed adult that she is, share the information and give her space to form her own response.

Hiding it is, in effect, treating her as a child, oh she can't handle this she's not ready etc. Think about how that would feel to you if the roles were reversed -- she has some difficult information to share but she doesn't trust you enough to let it out.

treat her like an adult and give her a chance to step up, or not, as she chooses. Don't try to deprive her of that choice. When we try to do that, whether we succeed (for a time) or fail, it doesn't seem to serve us well.

[sterusjon]

Megan,

The consensus here is that you cannot give it up permanently. It is possible that some few have succeeded but you will not find them here anymore it they have. They have moved on to other places and don't visit us here anymore.

Donna, above, is absolutely right. You have the combined experience of many lives to draw on. You are not likely to be able to quit, permanently. If she discovers your secret after a committed relation has begun, she is very likely to feel betrayed. When that happens, bad things usually follow.

So, in an ideal world, if you are at the point in this budding relationship that you expect or hope that it becomes a long term and intimate relationship you need to, first, determine if she is of the same mind. If she is not, put the crossdressing topic on back burner. If she is on the same page as you, you should have a conversation with her about it. If you wish to try to quit, cold turkey, that should be part of the conversation with understanding you may not succeed. It is always best to have full disclosure before entering into commitments with other people. It is a matter of ethics. Honesty. It helps foster trust and confidence.

Since we do not live in an ideal world, I realize it is a scary and difficult thing to have to handle and the outcome is very likely not going to be the one you would like. So, best of luck.

You ask for advice. That is mine. Whatever you decide and do, I pray it turns out well for everyone involved.

Stephanie

[Ressie]

CDing has been one of the reasons I haven't looked for another relationship. I'm not gonna purge because my wardrobe has become huge!

[Judith96a]

Megan,
I've been exactly where you are now. I stopped cross-dressing. I convinced myself that I could stop permanently. I also convinced myself that she didn't need to know - that it was the past, no point in raising the issue and potentially causing the relationship to be still-born.

Guess what, I'm here on crossdressers.com, not as an ex-cross dresser but a a current crossdresser who wishes that he HAD told her. In other words, I was mistaken - about my ability to stop and about it being 'a thing of the past'. Who knows what would have happened if I had told her. Maybe she would have walked. Maybe she would have stayed on the understanding that I had indeed stopped. And, if so, maybe, just maybe, I could have stayed stopped with her help. We shall never know.
One thing is certain, the prospect of telling her now, rather than then, is only slightly less scary than the prospect of her finding out!

I think that I'd tell her everything that you know now.