How, if and when to tell my wife.

[DanielleInMI]

Hi all, haven't posted in a while since I've been working on getting sober. Now comes the part of being honest with myself and admitting that yes I am a woman. When my wife and I got together, I told her that I would crossdress on occasion and that sometimes I felt like I should have been born a woman. We decided to get married, but she told me at the beginning that transition would be a deal breaker. Since I was basically in denial about being transsexual I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, I could continue to act the part of the manly man that she liked. I don't want to continue to live a lie. I plan on going to see a therapist again and ask for help transitioning. I just don't know how to break the news to my wife or if I should wait until after seeing the therapist. Since we have joint finances it is not possible to hide the fact that I'm seeing a therapist, nor do i want to. If she asks why I dont know what to say. Any ways hearing how some of you have dealt with this would be helpful.

Thanks,

[AllieSF]

Instead of making your reason for seeing a therapist again as being based on starting transition, why not tell her that now that you are getting control of your vices, being more sober, you are also thinking differently and hopefully more clearly about other things, including your past dressing? You are not sure why you are where you are now and will be going to a therapist to help you figure it all out and to reinforce your efforts to stay sober. All are true statements without stating something that you are not yet quite sure about. This then opens the door to more questions and conversations with her and may defer some of the answers to a later time when you actually better know the real answer. Good luck.

[Annaliese]

I am sure that your drinking had something to do with hiding this side of you. See the therapist, if your wife ask tell her the truth, you can't hide any more, and you won't go back to the bottle again to hide.

[LeaP]

Set aside time for a talk and just tell her. Hide nothing (I know this can be hard). Don't make promises. Don't try to minimize things to reassure. I REALLY wish I had absorbed the importance of all of this in advance, but did not, at least sufficiently to avoid creating yet more problems.

So how did I deal with it? By progressively involving her (involvement - a good thing, progressive - not so much) - but not in enough depth (a bad thing) - and telling her, at each step, that the next may be sufficient (i.e., making promises I couldn't keep) - and telling her that I had not changed (true from one point of view, but completely irrelevant to her concerns). The result? Adding to the impression of deceit and betrayal, and all in an attempt to be neutral. In retrospect, that was an absurd thing to do. The approach of evaluating things coolly and issuing opinions dispassionately was more about control and avoiding conflict than anything else. On that basis alone, I deserved the accusation of being selfish and one-sided. Aside from the fact that I was in the middle of a raging psychological crisis and wasn't in a position to really do it anyway, it virtually ensured more conflict for a longer period.

There's no avoiding what will come - good, bad, or indifferent. Open up.

[DanielleInMI]

There's no avoiding what will come - good, bad, or indifferent.

I'm just glad that I am sober now, otherwise I wouldn't be able to handle that. Funny how I thought drinking helped, lol.

[arbon]

I kinda think you should talk with the therapist first and make sure this is really the path you want to go down before blowing up your marriage. You can say you are seeing the therapist for other reasons.

[Promethea]

No, no, no, no, a thousand times no. This will be difficult as it is, don't make it worse by lying. If there is a slight chance she may get to accept you, you may be throwing that out of the window by keeping this from her. And if it does end in divorce, it will at least be less of a hell if you are open to her. She may still be a supporting friend even if she can't be a wife any more.

If you do have an itty bitty tiny shadow of doubt, do tell her what you're feeling and that you want help figuring it out, but if it's only for help in transitioning, do say so.

[arbon]

Just my experience with marriage and transition, and knowing a lot of other trans women to go through it - proceed with caution and be very sure of yourself cause life can get ugly real fast and you better be prepared before it gets out of control - good idea to talk to a therapist first.

[kimdl93]

there's nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. That, in itself doesn't constitute "a deal breaker". If she asks why, tell her that you're looking for help in understanding and learning to deal with the getting and staying sober, including some concern about your cross dressing and gender identity issues. You may or may not be transsexual...let the therapy process help you reach an informed assessment.