As I alluded to in the m2f crossdressing forum today, I've been going through a period of deep introspection and exploration for the last year. i've come out to a number of friends, I've started spending substantially more of my time the way I really want to, realizing how happy it makes me, and I've had to come to some pretty difficult realizations.
Primarily, that I am not a crossdresser. I'm transexual, I just don't know what I'm going to do about it yet.
I've spent a lot of time being out (literally and figuratively) with a lot of people over the last year, and my suspicions have been building for a while that I'm not like most of the crossdressers I know. Have you seen Transparent? There's a scene where Maura realizes that she isn't the same as the rest of the crossdressers - her former tribe - and you can see a switch flip behind her eyes. That's how I've felt for the last few months, and in the past two weeks, the switch flipped. This was my moment of clarity.
I don't know to what extent I want to pursue transition yet. There's a lot to think about, not least of which being that giving up my male privilege card (which I've always felt phony about) is going to be a huge change from the fairly rapid success I've always enjoyed in my career. I'm also a relatively happy person - this isn't life and death for me (at least not yet, fingers crossed), and I don't know if I can justify ripping my life apart if it's not.
Still, even if I don't know exactly what I'm to become, knowing what I'm not brings me one step closer to figuring it out. 'Tis the season for it, and I'm thankful.
