"The TALK" (not)

[Alicia S]

Well, I did it again. Set myself up mentally to have "the talk" then bottled out at the last minute. My SO must wonder what's going on - the stage got set but no-one came on. Sitting here now angry , confused and not liking myself much for dropping the ball - AGAIN.

WHY IS THIS SO HARD????????????

I read somewhere that this is the bravest thing I have avoided doing. I think not. I reckon you get yourself to a forced position where havng the talk becomes less intolerable than remaining in the status you are at.

All the pain and strain of setting this up in my head for NOTHING
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRrrrgh!



There, does that not feel a little better now?




Ummmm well no actually......

[Katey888]

Dear Alicia...

Don't be angry, mad - don't not like yourself over this... You posted the Ash Beckham video (here, defo worth 10 minutes of your life: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...221805-ted-com) yesterday... This is a very big thing - and yes, you're probably right, that eventually the pressure to talk becomes more than the anticipated problems through revelation.

Take your time - set your own timetable - this isn't your race (unless you're trying to pre-empt Christmas - which, imho, would be a bad time to reveal...) - and remember, every little experience, good or bad, allows us to learn...

Have a coffee - go for a walk - the world you left will still be there...

Keep Calm & Carry On!

Katey x

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Caution is the better part of valour?

Take your time, gird your loins ...breathe... and perhaps part of you isn't sure it's the wisest thing to do? Nowhere is it carved in stone that you have to come out of the closet.

[kimgirl]

As has already been said, take your time. You have the ball in your court so choose the moment you feel is right. None of this makes you a bad person. Just consider the last attempt as a dress rehearsal (no pun intended).
Kim

[Maria 60]

We can't blame you, some of us have gone threw with it, and its like rolling the dice, could go either way. For myself I just got fed up of the hiding and just let it out.

[Alicia S]

i knw, i know and thankyou for the input. Just a little pent up frustration - had to blow off some steam. Had hoped at least this morning iwould have started a new direction with a bit of purpose but....

another thought - the problem with DADT id that you DK what they DK or indeed what they Know.

{{{Alicia}}}

[Sarasometimes]

I read some of your past threads and I think you seem to be a bit unsure of what you need and where you are at with your CDing which may be adding to your fear of the talk. I think you need to get a good feel for your situation with CDing before your can explain it to your wife. You know whether or not this is the thing to do for you in your situation but just remember you can un-say anything.
I'm DADT which has many pitfalls and i consider often the concept of changing that and whether it is cowardess or courage i continue to choose to keep the status quo.
best of luck and i hope we hear all about how well the Talk goes when you choose to go that route.

[slamddoger]

some time you have to look at picter when the right time come you will talke to her about it

[mykell]

hello Alicia
allow me to chime in, i was in your place about a year ago, and the first thing i thought was really-28 days before the holiday season, their is enough stress associated already, so this time last year my plan was for after the holidays as it may be my last one with family, everything is on the table with this revelation and once said it cant be undone, i had the talk jan 2014, so apparently your not ready by your own admission and failure to deliver and i believe it is a plus.
as we had family over each year for the holidays, i always place the photo albums out for all to peruse during the day, it may help you later as they may remember those good times fresh in the memory bank after you "talk", there may be other things to help also so if you like PM me and i will offer any help i possibly could, hope you have a favorable outcome.....

[Tina_gm]

Perhaps it is all in the opening. How to get it started? Or is it uncertainty or perhaps an expectation that the initial talk will be difficult? Perhaps even the talk itself leading to a break up?

Make certain for your self what it is you are looking to accomplish with your reveal. Is it to relieve guilt? To not have to hide and be caught? Are you looking for more time for dressing.?

While the reveal if all goes well enough so that the marriage stays intact will lead to all of the above, the initial time after the reveal will likely be a step back. It is temporary, but your wife will need some time to absorb and adjust to this. More than a few days, more than just a few weeks. It takes real time, but I believe you will come to a point where you will feel it was worth it.

[Alice Torn]

I wonder if writing a heartfelt, letter , would be best.

[Jenniferathome]

Alicia, in my signature is how I did it. The first sentence is the hardest, but after, "I need to tell you something." there's no going back. Concentrate on those words. Still, if you are worried, write your entire speech down and if you find yourself buckling, slide the letter over to her. Once she starts reading it, you'll be able to talk.

Good luck

[Alicia S]

Thank you everybody for your input - got me thinking again.

Jennifer, I liked your approach (and result!) and think I may do similarly sometime in the new year. I might even steal bits as your situation then seems similar to mine
now except that I think I know she already knows - and she knows that. It's kind of left us with an uncomfortable DADT (we think) situation. I digress. It will unravel itself.

One more thing - did any of you who have done this direct their SO to any of the resources on this site. Did you find any particularly helpful?

Thanks again for all input

{{{{{{Alicia}}}}}}

[Eryn]

I showed Mimi this site when I came out to her and she found it helpful.

I did caution her that all TG people are different and many of the things she reads here do not apply to me.

I agree that the holidays might not be the best time to discuss this.

When you do find a good time to talk make sure that you have several hours free and start off with "Dear, I have something that has been bothering me that I would like to discuss with you." That will get the ball rolling.

[Stephanie47]

There's a big difference in having "the talk" with a wife who knows and a wife who absolutely does not have a clue. If she knows and you know she knows then you're clearing the air. She may already have an opinion on your cross dressing. You may not like what she has to say, so have a response prepared. You may lose control of the discussion. As others have said I would not start "the talk" until the holidays are over. One thing you need to consider is why you're having the talk; for whose benefits; and, what your ultimate goal may be.

[Marcelle]

Hi Alicia,

There is no rush or timetable for "having the talk". You have to be ready to face it once the information is shared with your SO. If you don't feel ready thinking about it then it will be difficult to get through it in real time. My recommendation, take a deep breath, step back and let the Holidays slip by. During that time think about what you want to say, how are you are going to respond to questions, how you are going to deal with any anger, frustration on your SOs part. When the holidays are over, and should you feel ready, take another end run at this. Remember, this is not a race and while some come out to SOs with great success others have not. It will go only one of two ways (acceptance on some level or exit visas) . . . there is no in between. Once that bell is rung it cannot be silenced so make your decision wisely. Even then, telling is one thing, living with the fallout is the next hurdle. I am not trying to scare you and please don't think I am (if you are ready you are ready) I just want to impress upon you that it for every success story, I am sure there several not so good stories.

Hugs and good luck.

Isha

[Teresa]

Alicia,
I totally sympathise with you, the right moment comes along and you don't take advantage of it !
Those moments are few and far between so try and do it next time ! Its the initial breaking the ice that's hard ! How do you just drop CDing into a conversation ?
Last time I used a CDing story line in a TV drama to edge into a conversation about being embarrassed at seeing it ! Otherwise I feel you sit there wondering if she's thinking," here we go again ! I can't get away from it !!"

I've just checked your profile, You don't mention your age but I see your birthday is April 1st. Mine is the second, perhaps Aries are prone to missing opportunities !!

[Beverley Sims]

Alicia,
I overcome stage fright by biting the bullet, I agree it is not for all but take care try a few times and it will come out well I am sure.

[Lynn Marie]

So let me get this straight. You want to light a stick of dynamite and hope it won't blow up in your face. You have every right to be petrified. The odds are that the best you can hope for is a DADT relationship after the "talk". The odds for getting a fully understanding SO who will embrace the CD lifestyle is pretty miniscule. Good luck.

[Sara Jessica]

I recommend that you slow down.

You have been on this site for a month tops. While you may have been lurking beforehand, I'm going to speculate that you have taken a drink of water from a fire hose and see all of these people here who are in a place with respect to their relationships that you think you want to be. Thing is, Lynn Marie is totally right, that a good outcome for many is DADT and I dare to say that an utterly horrible outcome is more likely than finding blissful acceptance in a reveal post-marriage.

What is your endgame, your hopes & dreams in this whole thing? What are you looking to accomplish for her and yourself through disclosure at this time? As as been mentioned already, knowing where you fit in this community is also helpful. Sharing all of these things might help us give you better advice.

I am a proponent of full disclosure...before marriage because that happens to be where my experience lies. Doing so after years of marriage, I have little advice other than to think it through thoroughly because as is often said, once the genie is out of the bottle, there's no putting her back inside.

[Sarasometimes]

Sara Jessica you said it all very well. There are more posts here of post marriage reveals that have not gone the blissful route. Before heading down that road, the revealer needs to know where they want the road to go because surely that will be a question in that chat. I know that if i did the reveal and my wife surprised me and said hey let's go shopping that I will hesitate and balk at that request because of the impact that will have on my children and livelihood.

We can do all sorts of thing with technology except get the genie back in her/his bottle as you pointed out.

[Tina_gm]

Alicia, how do you think she already knows? She may well know, women are very good when it comes to intuition, and typically I have found they know more than we think. Having said that, I thought my wife was although perhaps not knowing, a little more acclimated perhaps from certain clues I was sending out. It was still a big shock for her, and before the reveal she had on a couple of occasions stated that I was on the fem side for a guy in some ways. While she may know something, be prepared that a shock may still occur.

[reb.femme]

Hi Alicia,

I haven't read the other replies before posting, as I didn't want my opinion swayed by some of the other sages.

The reason the big talk is so difficult is because you have so much to lose. I was caught by my wife in her nightie and dressing gown, she was aware of my liking for lingerie from our man and wife times but it gave me a base from which to work. Would I have told if this event hadn't happened? Prior modus operandi would indicate not for me, so a possible maybe...who knows?

If you are personally compelled to tell (don't be swayed by the good fortune and outcome of others to cloud your judgement), write down what it is you wish to say, run it over and over until you are happy with your script and then go for it. Writing it down gives you time to analyse and adapt your opening gambit.

At the end of the day, this is your decision and your life, but I will sincerely hope (I don't do the praying thing) for a successful outcome for you, should you tell. I know the angst I went through, but Jenniferathome's letter was my template and there are other resources here too. Good luck and best wishes, which ever way you decide to go.

Rebecca


Just read that Jennifer has offered her letter, as used by moi! An apology to Jennifer insofar that I had to de-Americanise it, as we speak a common language but express it so differently . It was an excellent template (worked for me) and as I always say, "why re-invent the wheel"?