Venting...

[Kacey Black.]

Gosh I suck at this. If anyone read my introduction, I said that I wanted to do it right... and boy I tell ya, I sure am not doing this right.

I wrote this over the past few days and I wanted to share.

While I'm sure a lot of you here will understand it, I wanted to get it out.

1. I feel like I suck at this. While I came in kind of hot, I'm finding that I'm making more mistakes than I can count. Sure, I've done this in secret all my life... but I am finding I do not have the correct mindset here... nor the proper understanding of it all.

2. According to numerous writings my wife has provided me, I'm not at all what I thought I'd be when I went kind of public with this. Not in any way. Sure, I'm pretty confident in my looks and I'm happy I have the build I have... I'm still not all that thrilled with a handful of things. I'm just killing my wife still with the speed I'm going at all this. It causes fights, my wife cries that I don't get it... and I just don't know what to do or say.

3. I'm upset at myself. Why? A. I'm mad at myself for not telling my wife when we met. Forget the fact that I didn't do it all that much when we did, it wasn't huge. B. I'm chasing time... or it's chasing me. I hate the fact that I'm getting older and I don't think I look all that good.

4. Kaisa is a child evidently. She just wants & wants. Holding her back is a task and while I can do it, it just creates disturbances inside and I get wrestless... and angry.

This all causes that pendulum to swing wildly out of control... like in one big circle as it closes in on the drain. It's no simple back & forth nor is it predictable. One day I'm upset, the next I'm thinking my wife would be happier if I stopped it. When I get that way, it causes more problems and the blame game ensues.

Myself, I've always been an unruly one that's often arrogant... and a few other words. I hate rules... and these rules aren't like any other I've experienced.

Somedays I wish "IT" would stop. I've never purged, although I did put all my stuff away last week... for a few days that is. I thought that if I put it out of sight, I wouldn't think about it, but nope. I just got angry and resentful.

Bad Kaisa.

No worries, I am ok... but this crap is hard.

[Pat]

Things take time. Things take practice. Things take getting used to. Be forgiving of yourself and be patient.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Gosh, Kaisa, I just really feel for your wife. Does she have anyone to talk to? Has she told you her limits with all this, and have you sat down and figured out if you can even live by them? The pushing issue won't end well, that much I know. Maybe therapy would help you figure out where this is going and whether the path you're taking is one your wife wants to travel?

Good luck, this can't be fun for either of you.

[Kacey Black.]

The problem is me honestly. We have set some boundries and I pushed past some of them. I am living by them now and really trying. And you're right, pushing is just driving off a cliff really.

She's a tough one really and I can't think of a stronger woman.

We have a therapist that we've seen and it might be a good idea to see them again soon.

[mykell]

as with anything that brings you joy moderation is the key, your freedom to dress must be done within the boundaries that were agreed upon,
otherwise this will become a wedge that will divide the participants, which i think we know is you and the mrs.

reality is hard sometimes, aging builds character and your not that old, try 29 for the 25th time like me,
so take a step back and realize what you can have, and not what you want....

[Nadya]

4. Kaisa is a child evidently. She just wants & wants. Holding her back is a task and while I can do it, it just creates disturbances inside and I get wrestless... and angry.

When we finally start exploring this hidden part of our personality it seems like we really start off as children at least that what it felt like to me. I know I felt selfish and that dressing was the only thing that should matter. I guess when we let part of ourselves out, we have to learn to moderation again.

[Jenniferathome]

Kaisa,

First, there is no value in beating up yourself over the past. You can't undo it. What you can do it make the future better. If you love your wife, you'll respect boundaries. It's really that simple. Keep talking to her about everything and certainly use the therapist to help you develop tools to manage because "it" is not going to stop. Hope for the impossible is just not worth the time. Focus on what you CAN change, affect and improve.

Good luck

[Teresa]

Kaisa,
I really don't know if there's some sort of syndrome but what hits us in our forties ? I came out then and if you read other stories many came out in their forties !
Mine didn't go well but I'm not going to repeat it all again apart from Prozac pulled me through enough to carry on life and the commitments that went with it !
Kaisa is not a child but may have started in childhood, as Teresa did with me ! You have come to realisation that part of you is Kaisa and now you have to balance those needs !
You have to try and settle down and get it together in your own mind and talk it through with your wife !
My CDing is basically sexual and had to accept my wife wanted no part of it, and I made it clear that I respected her wishes on that ! At the same time it did leave me with the feeling of being unloved and rejected ! My wife recently accepted that she knew how much that hurt me but I'm afraid not much changed but your circumstances could be totally different !
Twenty years on from that I'm beginning to say it's time for Teresa before time runs out for me, so I'm afraid things don't always improve much with time ! You just have to value what you do have and make the most of it and balance your CDing round it ! Easier said than done !!

[Marcelle]

Hi Kaisa,

Well you are experiencing what many new to this (i.e., open in your relationship) experience. Things tend to move at "warp speed" (sorry, a big Trekki) when you have the latitude to explore. The key is communication with your wife. If you have set boundaries then ensure they are mutually agreed upon. It is not good to agree to something you know you will not be able to live with . . . hence the pushing. It should not be all one sided for either you or wife . . . relationships are about compromise what you both can and cannot live with. This is the approach my wife and I took and it seems to work well . . . well therapy helps immensely. So disengage the "warp drive" and coast to "impulse power" for a bit an allow time to reach an accord with your wife. Be honest in where you wish to head with this.

Time . . . ah I think many of us mature gals hear you on this. I don't think it is so much getting older (for me at least) but more the thoughts of all that wasted time in the past of not dressing now that you have tasted it. The unfortunate thing is time has passed and the best thing you can do is look to the future. Yeah, I am old, my skin is tired, I have wrinkles and my make-up has to be a bit heavy but my wife once told me . . . "Older women have the same angst. So you can choose to not explore this side of you and five years from now regret that lost time or just get out there and enjoy" . . . she is wise

Just take a deep breath, process and things will get better.

Hugs

Isha

[Kate Simmons]

One thing you have to be mindful of is that this is a lifetime commitment. At least it is for me.I've been dealing with this all of my life.Really getting to know yourself and being in touch with your feelings helps and is a basic start. From there you can learn to accept your feelings and make them work for you.CDing is a process we utilize to outwardly express our feelings. Like any process it needs to be under control to be useful and effective.Otherwise it will take on a mind of it's own, not necessarily to our benefit. Kind of like choosing which side of "The Force" you want to pursue.

[Claire Cook]

Things take time. Things take practice. Things take getting used to. Be forgiving of yourself and be patient.

Hi Kaisa,

This is advice is so easily said (I say it a lot!) but is so difficult to do, especially when your inner Girl Lizard Brain is saying "I want more! I want more" I'd sit back, think about what Tinkerbell, Jennifer, Isha and others have said, and try for the long view (yes, that IS so hard to do!).

As to your appearance, or at least your perception of yourself: I know we always think we can look better, and criticize our faults (don't a lot of girls do this?) Part of accepting our CD / TG is accepting who we are, and at least in my case accepting the fact that I'm not going to pass for 20 (or 30, or ... 50) any more (Isha dear, you're still young! ), so I try to dress and act accordingly. Some beauty book that I inherited from my mother said something about figuring out the good things about your appearance, and trying to take advantage of them. I'm still trying to figure that out ....

[Carly CD]

I went through a similar problem when I came out years ago to my wife. Se was supportive so I took it as a cue to go full steam ahead. It caused many problems. But I took a step back and we regrouped and things have been perfect since. When I used to race dirt late models my father wrote above my gauges "patience = wins". I remembered that with my wife and Carly, and that was what made the difference. Has she got more comfortable with one thing then we moved to the next.

[Kacey Black.]

Thank you everyone for your comments. They are appreciated.

I feel I must make some additions so you know a little more because it's not all here. It's not just one sided.

As far as our boundaries, they were mutually agreed upon and mainly revolve around respect.

They are more than fair, with the option to revisit and change/revise them is always there.

My problem is, I push forward anyway, might think about discussing it first, but tell myself it's not hurting anyone, and the urge pops in that I want this so I'm going to do it anyway.

When that happens, My wife then feels like I said "F*** you and what we agreed too", that's when the fight starts.

And I guess you could say that is exactly what I did do, several times. I truly don't mean any harm, and don't break the boundaries with the intention of hurting her, just when the mood hits me, I don't think about the repercussions, just the gratification.

As far as her having someone to talk to, not really, she does have a "BI" friend that knows about me and actually goes out with us. She also has a friend with a son that is taking hormones now and will eventually have surgery, but she's more that friend's sounding board than someone for her to talk to about me.

She also has in the past helped friends with their cross dressing, and even was out with this friend when she/he was killed behind a bar in her life before me.

So... she is concerned for my safety most of all... and I know it.

[docrobbysherry]

I have only one CDing rule, Kaisa. "If you're NOT having fun dressing? You're doing it wrong."

However, I don't live with a wife anymore. So, in your case? Schedule counseling sessions for the both of u ASAP! This probably isn't stuff u can work out sensibly or fairly on your own.

[sometimes_miss]

OK, boundries, boundries. Consider this. Most of the SO's who tolerate us still don't want to see us dressed up. So, it's really not that bad. Just think of your girl clothes/stuff as a uniform of sorts that your wife doesn't like to see you in, so don't wear them around her. Like Ed Norton in the honeymooners, who worked in a sewer; nobody wants a sewer worker to come home in his work clothes, with sewage on them, smelling of sewer. So, no woman wants her husband to show up in girl clothes, wearing make up, smelling of perfume. Perhaps not a great analogy, but hey; men are usually great at compartmentalizing our lives. Keep the girl outfit in a separate compartment. If your wife still loves you, you're o.k.. Just leave the 'girl uniform' for times when you can 'work' at the 'girl job' when she's not around.

[Katey888]

Kaisa, this sounds like a real cry from your heart, the way you're telling this...

On the one hand, I'd say: don't beat yourself up for something that is an involuntary and likely indelible part of you... but on the other hand, you seem to know that you possess some less than helpful traits that are contributing negatively to how you and your wife are managing this... we all have them, and generally it's helpful to know and acknowledge them - but then in some circumstances (and I'd say this is one of those) we have to get a grip on reality...

The reality for your wife is that she has experienced the ultimate horror of having a TG friend assaulted and die as a result (if I've interpreted that correctly - please tell me if not) which is going to colour her feelings towards your presentation, for sure! Sounds like you're doing the right thing with counselling - I'd suggest that particular experience must be discussed...

Many of us probably wish it would go away - chances are it won't so we have to find a way of dealing with it. Please feel fortunate that you can share this with your wife, and also that you are doing the right things to manage it... just try to slow it down, take your time, address those aspects of yourself you feel aren't helping, but don't feel too bad about it either..

As ever: Keep Calm & Carry On!

Katey x

[Joan.Meredith]

Kaisa,

I totally understand the most with #4. The Fem side wants and wants, but doesn't seem to give. I might have turned a point last night myself and that is after on and off dressing since I was 10. I'm 35 now, so it takes time, but at least with me it took some one asking why I was attracted to dressing along with some other questions. It feels like I've got as least one less set of sunglasses on now. I have been angry at myself, the world, my wife, my family right now I'm happy with what I know.

Hope this helps some.

Joan

[MsVal]

Kaisa, I can tell by the fact that you wrote your original post over a period of several days that you know the value of taking your time and thinking things over. I want to encourage you to use that same discipline in your dressing.

It's not uncommon for one of us to be overcome with desires to take things to the next level, whatever that may be. The forum is full of stories of how this rapid escalation feels good, but is quite troubling for our spouses.

If you value your marriage, the common advice in this forum is to go no faster than your wife's comfort level. But that does not seem to provide opportunity for escalation. Or does it?

Those that have a continuing, open, and honest dialog with their spouse regarding crossdressing find that things are generally better. By letting their spouse know of their desires before they reach the breaking point, solutions can be crafted and crises can be averted.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Angie G]

It is hard being the way we are. It hasen't been like that for a long time now I'm good with it and so is my wife. There comes a time when some things get easier to live with. Hope youfind that place soon Kaisa.
Angie

[Beverley Sims]

Kaisa,
You are doing the right things, not purging and recognising the fact that it is a waste of time.
You are talking to your wife and that's important, I suck at this and always will but I learn a little in stages.
I make mistakes, get rapped over the knuckles and so it goes on.

Find something real to get angry and resentful about. A speeding ticket is a good start.

Cross Dressing... Nope just learn to live with it...






Like I have.

[Kandi Robbins]

You are certainly doing the right thing by "talking" it out with all the girls here. Everyone here has been where you are in some form or the other. I think not being born female and now exploring our feminine side brings out the best in all of us. The helpful and nurturing instinct that we bury as men is brought out and a great treasure as we tap into our femininity. Keep your head up and focus on the most important things in your life as you work through this.

[Teresa]

Kaisa,
I understand your comments about pushing boundaries, but at least you have some good or bad ! I feel totally in limbo sometimes , I don't know where mine are ! Yes I've had talks with my wife but there's so much she doesn't know or chooses not to know , the **** is going to hit the fan some time in the future !