Realization in the last 24 hours.

[Joan.Meredith]

I've come to a realization in the last 24 hours.

I've tried over the years to stop cold turkey. It wasn't pretty, only to have the desire come back even more so afterwards. I'm working on becoming calmer, more content, and learning with a counselor what drives me to dress in hopes of at least understand this. I don't know if it will ever go away, the real question is how far am I willing to go with things. I think I'll take it one step at a time. I've tried to process it as a big picture in the past and nearly gone crazy (lost in pink fog) over it all. Step one, understand why I'm doing what I'm doing the deep meaning not the stuff floating on the surface.

Joan

[Kate Simmons]

For many of us it's about deep inner feelings. The dressing is the vehicle to help us get in touch with them. Getting to know ourselves is the beginning of finding the key to understanding.

[Jaylyn]

I feel just getting in touch with our feminine side had made me a better man. I am more cairn and content with who or what I am. I think you may be on the right track starting at why you feel the way you do. My contentment has come from just getting older and much more mature. Thus I look at it for what dressing is and does for me personally. Just accepting yourself is a big start.

[MissTee]

Good luck on your journey of self-discovery. As for CD-ing, I joke that it's like being a werewolf. There's a "calling" that can't be ignored, and I'm not a very nice person to be around when I am ignoring it. A long time ago I decided to accept me as I am and just go with it.

[Sarah Doepner]

I found my crossdressing became much easier to manage once I accepted it as part of my personality. Fighting the desire and attempting to quit was like attempting to cut off one of my arms, I wouldn't be the same person without it. Yes, it has the potential for negative things to happen and choices that don't serve anyone else, but knowing that there will be a time set aside later can smooth the decision making. My late wife accepted my crossdressing because she felt that having a feminine side allowed me to cultivate some of the characteristics in my personality she liked the best. We can't see the future, but if we are in control of ourselves and not blinded by pink fog, the plans and decisions we make are better. Good for you in choosing to get with a counselor and work on it rather than let things evolve without thought. Best of luck on your path.

[MsVal]

That sounds familiar.

I often look at how I've changed in the last couple of years and try to imagine the changes that lie ahead. The past was filled with anxiety, shame, and doubt while I learned a lot about myself. My wife was filled with hurt, anger, and insecurity as she came to terms with my crossdressing. Today, I am learning to be comfortable being "me", and my wife is accepting and has become fairly supportive. If it stopped right here, we could both be comfortable. The trouble is, it hasn't reached a plateau. There is no obvious end in sight.

I have a tendency to see trends, even when none exist, and I get anxious thinking of the turmoil that would ensue if I were to transition.

In therapy this week, my therapist once again advised not to worry about the future; where will this take me, how will I handle it. She said to focus on "now". We'll deal with those issues if/when they materialize.

<sigh> I'm still having trouble following that advice, but less and less as time goes by.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Stephanie47]

With only five posts it was easy to go back and read your bio and issues. In your thirties with a wife and children and a professional job with a lot of responsibilities I can imagine the stress levels of life are great. Once I accepted myself I found cross dressing became an emotional relief from those societal responsibilities. If I could have substituted a hobby to relieve the stress then I would have preferred that rather than cross dressing.

Counseling is terrific "IF" you're trying to figure out how to incorporate the feelings cross dressing brings you. Counseling is also great if your goal is to come to terms with your cross dressing. Why you and I cross dress is really never going to be answered. I think everyone on this forum has gone down that road. Once I came to fully accept this part of me, it became easier to self impose some limits. Each person is able to deal with cross dressing based on their unique circumstances. I read on this forum "girls" who go out in public and appear/pass as women. Not me! So, I limit my activities to my comfort level.

I see your really big issue is not just not having a supportive wife, but, having a wife who has dictated how you are going to deal with cross dressing. No clothing? That should be torment for you. That will ramp up your stress levels and ultimately affect other areas of your life: work and family relations. Don't think for one minute being restricted will not have a negative impact on you. My wife and I had "the" discussion. It was no different than all the others I've read about on this forum. Are you gay? Do you want to become a woman? Do you want to go out in public? Her mind has run to the old "What will the neighbors say? Church? Relatives? The kids?" Those are issues that need to be addressed to establish some sort of boundaries. If your wife is rigid and not at all flexible that will really be the test. Most of us seem to be in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. DADT is not deceitful if the wife is aware of the cross dressing. She may not want to know when you buy clothing, etc. And, you don't leave the vestiges of cross dressing out for her to see.

Frankly, if your wife is really opposed to this side of you and will not converse or negotiate with you, then I would suggest individual counseling for her with a qualified counselor in gender issues. Don't let her go to a spiritual adviser who will just fortify her dislike for cross dressing.

[Joan.Meredith]

Stephanie,
YES, YES, YES. Having no Fem clothing is torment what I wouldn't give for just a one outfit, jeans, panties, top, bra, and shoes. As to being Gay, yes I'm more sexually attracted to men than to women. As do I want to be a woman, full time I'm not sure. That is a question that I've asked myself and I haven't been able to answer it truthfully. As to being out in public, I've done it several times fully dressed while in collage in my early 20's. The family knows, at least close family and those that have helped me keep my marriage. Some in the church know, the kids don't know they are young still.

I love my family, I want it to stay together. So I've lived this way for a while now. I need to find a way to balance, so I don't go rouge. I went there just about 2 years ago got dressed as much as I could and found me a man to be with for a one "moment" stand and just about lost my marriage. I don't want to do that again.

Joan

[Eringirl]

Hi Joan:

You have received some good counsel here all ready, so I won't repeat. Sometimes looking at the big picture can be daunting. Perhaps focussing on little steps may reduce the stress. The big picture while at times can provide a road map and a light at the end of the tunnel, can sometimes feel like you are drinking from a fire hose. Take a deep breath. This is not a race. Everyone has their own timeline and needs to work to that. I think Counselling is a good thing, especially if the specialize in gender issues and do have an agenda other than to help you discover what this means for YOU.

Stay connect here....we all care for each other and it is a good sounding board for questions, comments, support, and even the occasional rant !

Erin

[Angie G]

I really have no clue why I need to dress. At this point of my life I don't feel I need to know. I have never wanted to stop dressing.As most here have found most can't stop. I hope you find what your looking for.And I want to say welcome to the family girl.
Angie

[Rachael Leigh]

Joan self acceptance can take a long time and be very tough, I know it was for me and yet there are still times I wish it wouid go away but I know it's prob not going to. It was funny the other morning I woke up and rubbed my hands on my legs and it hit me how natural they felt with no hair, wow didn't see that coming but it made me realize how far I have come
Leigh

[Beverley Sims]

Don't think too deeply you will only confuse yourself.
We are a mixed up bunch here and we learn to not think too deeply, don't purge and just get on with it.

[mechamoose]

*Identity* issues SHOULD run deep. It shouldn't surprise you.

This stuff isn't a costume.

<3

- MM

[Kandi Robbins]

You've certainly had a rough 24 hours! I can relate to many of the issues you are dealing with. While I have nothing to add here that hasn't already been well said, just know you are not alone. One day at a time and try to gain perspective, an elusive and difficult thing to define. Focus on the good parts of your life when the stress level cranks up. I wish you well.

[Brynna M]

I think putting your finger on exactly what it is about dressing like a woman that is so ingrained in many of us is a tall order. I'm certainly not there by any stretch. "why" is a big question and I wish you luck. Some day I hope the dozens of little reasons that seem to partly explain why come together in coherent whole.

I'm content with accepting that it is a permanent part of me. I'm content knowing that I can control when and how I express that part of me so that is doesn't damage other parts of my life. I'm happy when I can get dressed and I like the way I look and feel.

I wish you all the patience strength and success in the world in understanding yourself. Let us know what you find? It may help girls like me.

[CynthiaD]

I know why I dress. I dress to look and feel normal. But why does looking and acting like a woman feel normal? Why can't I feel normal when I present as male? Why do my inner feelings say "I am female," when the external evidence seems to contradict this?

I haven't a clue.