Struggling with that idea of Going Out (mainstream)

[Ms. Laura]

So, I go out about once a month, to CD friendly venues. I attend TriEss, we go to "the club" (which actually just closed in Manchester which sucks) sometimes to TG Fashions parties, etc. But, I have yet to go anywhere mainstream, like shopping.

I have an opportunity to go shoe shopping with a friend of mine who is TS next week. I'm lucky enough to fit into an 11 which can often be found at this store (DSW). I am absolutely terrified. My heart freezes when I think about it. I know I don't pass, this isn't about passing. I just feel ill at the idea of what others will think when they see me, you know, all those terms they have for us. Yet, I feel more and more like I need to move past that. Like, here I am, deal!

I'm also afraid of what it will mean if I go and it's OK, even fun! What will that do to my already fragile psyche? :-)

I guess I'm just looking for some encouragement. I struggled mightily prior to attending my first TriEss meeting and ladies here, many of you are still here, were so encouraging, it really helped push me out the door that day. It changed my life. Though my struggles are now different and I feel I need to overcome this hurdle. I can completely understand why someone would NOT want to go out. In my case, I feel I need to, to see how I feel, to test where I am emotionally and help me figure out where I am on this spectrum.

I'm just afraid, of what, I'm not sure.

[Beverley Sims]

Laura,
You need to take a deep breath and overcome that fear.
A few outings with your friend will help immensely.

[Rachelakld]

As I tell friends "it takes balls to be a crossdresser"

This is the "me" generation, so they don't actually have time or energy for "you"

If anyone sees you look them in the eyes and smile and they will think one of two things
a) your mad
b) your having fun
c) both of the above

If it's any consolation, my daughters school have quite a few TS kids attending, so children are taught about different genders, equal rights etc

[Nadine Spirit]

From my time out, which is often, and everywhere, and actually I only go to mainstream places, and yes people know I am male, the reality is, the vast majority of people do not care! The hardest part of being out is getting over our own fears and getting out that door.

I too was afrid of what it all meant about me. It has changed me, but for the better. It has helped me see humanity in a whole new light. I used to be so afraid of others, but now I have a newed faith in humanity. It has not made me feel like dressing more or smehow pushed me towards transition, it has helped me to feel better about myself, to accept myself more.

So I don't know what your experience will entail, but for me, I am so happy that I pushed myself to figure out how to just get out there and live my life. Good luck in choosing. Oh and btw, I love DSW!

[Donnagirl]

We all have those same fears... I've always said that the first few steps out of the door are hard, the next few thousand are really easy. Once your out and about, well it just gets easier and easier.

Next to no one passes close up scrutiny, OK, there are a few gifted ones, but I mere mortals are always clocked eventually... I'm yet to meet anyone who really cares... Seen a few pointing and whispering episodes between others but that's about it.

So get out there and shop!!!!!

[Zooey]

Fear is a powerful thing, and I understand exactly what you're going through. The only thing I can tell you is that being untrue to yourself is a far more painful thing in the long run, and the only way to learn what being true to yourself means is to push your boundaries and do the things that you're interested in and make you happy.

Go for it, be brave, and be happy in the idea that every step you take is one step closer to understanding what you want out of life.

[Jenniferathome]

Laura, you're so ready to go out. Mainstream is so much more fun. Don't fret the passing. OWN IT and you will feel great. Walk into the store like a thief and you'll not have fun. Screw what other might think. If someone looks sideways at you, smile and say hello. Go. It'll be great. If I can do it anyone can do it.

by the way, after the shoe store, go have dinner!

[Kate T]

I checked out some of your photos. A lack of confidence will be the only reason you don't "pass". You look like most GG's pretty much anywhere.

What others will think when they see you is probably not much from my experience of the general public. There will always be someone who will stare, especially kids! Think of it as giving them a broad education

[docrobbysherry]

Laura, some people just aren't made to enjoy going out dressed. If u can't pass, (like me), don't enjoy drama, or constantly being inspected, don't go out to vanilla venues. We closet cross dressers r used to dressing any way we like without stress or constantly being judged. Not everyone gets a kick being a man in a dress out in public!

While I go out quite often to meet my dresser friends, it's alway very stressful until I enter the confines of our T friendly club. I do it to meet them and fit it. Otherwise I'd prefer to go in drab!

If u, or anyone here, is a closet CD? Don't feel guilty, whimpy, or a traitor to the trans cause if u prefer to dress in private. It's NOT for everyone!

[Henriette7]

Laura, I also checked your pictures. You should go out, you pass pass and pass. No doubt about that. Think of what you like and what is important for you, it's your life not others you should care about. Just like Jennifer says. "Screw what other might think". You are so ready, and yes the first steps are hard, but you will be surprised that hardly anyone will notice you. It's about the first steps, after that it will go quick and you will enjoy it so much.

In the summer 2014 I had the same fear as you have now. I started to go out in a little park, just sitting on a bench where people where passing by. Today I run around almost anywhere, I don't even think of it anymore. It's just so fun and I enjoy every minute.

Smile, go for it and let us know how it's going. We all believe that you can do it. No doubt about it :-)

Big hugs
Henriette

[Mia Brankovic]

Hi Laura, you look great!

and I cannot offer an real advice...cause I've yet to venture from the confines of my 'sanctuary'. But, I shall...because I have not commenced upon this journey to stagnant upon the path.

Doc gave excellent advice..."You just don't have to" (to paraphrase)...enjoy the experience in the stress free environment of your home; however, that advice may NOT be for you. Why? Because, based upon your post...you want to venture outside...maybe not today; however, that ONE activity has been on your mind from the onset of your transition. I maybe wrong?

So, first of all: WHEN? the answer is: it doesn't matter, you will when you are ready...or you won't (It's your call...no pressure).

Upon request: I could offer some "Go To" responses for possible situations that you may encounter (I tend to over-think things, on occasion): Oh, I have NO problem finding trouble (and actually...It's the other WAY 'round!)...so, I always have a way out (pre-planned...It's what I do-lol)

With a friend go to an 'out-of-town' convenience store...and buy a pack of gum. Keep in mind two facts: 1. There are laws that protect the rights of an individual...and you are an individual (yea! you qualify!) and, 2. deep down inside...you still possess the typical male characteristics, attitude and aptitude (in addition to the possible heightening feminine traits...and you must also remember that You continue to be "You" (dressing up may enlarge your perspective; however, your 'Core Being' is simply expanding (you do not lose male traits...they can be temporarily placed in reserve...UNTIL required). A review of your 'Personal behavioural attributes' should reveal an incredible versatile and adaptive individual...by reviewing this 'arsenal' (make a list), you may find that you are 'Armed and Dangerous' and fully confident to assault the realm of mediocrity.

But, only when you feel that you are ready...No pressure, sweetheart!

take care & be well
Mia

[Jean 103]

Laura, go believe me you will do fine. The first few minutes are the worst. Once you are in the store it’s all good. The SA’s have seen it before. I have always been treated well. Payless Shoes is one of my fav. I also wear a size 11, maybe 10 in a sandal. Besides you’re going with a friend so you won’t be alone. Relax and enjoy.

[kimdl93]

Laura, I guess we have all been where you are. You've said it yourself...you felelthe need to overcome this hurdle. That's what gets you out in real life the first time. The need overcoming the fears.

But once you take get out there you'll realize that your fears were baseless. I'll wager that few people notice and those who do will keep their thoughts to themselves. I've been out in public for four years now and despite my stature, big hands etc, I feel that most of the time I'm taken as a woman nonetheless. You will be to. Get out and enjoy yourself.

[Butterfly Bill]

Tri-Ess, with its preoccupation with passing, hardly seems to me to be a place to really find confidence. Just go out in the clothes and don't care if they know you're a man. Everybody knows I am when I do it.

[I Am Paula]

Don't let anybody force you out, but if you go- The world only sees what is on the screen of their phone. They don't look up, or respond to loud noises. Nobody notices anything anymore, in their little insular world.

[Claire Cook]

What encouragement you're getting! I'd agree that all your "fragile psyche" needs is to follow the Nike folks and"Just do it!"

You'll do just fine -- and I think you'll find it will just get better!

[GretchenJ]

Laura,

I agree with all which have posted, you are more than ready! Actually I am surprised that you have never been out before.
You will be fine!

[JamieQ]

I too say go out when "you" are ready...with that said you probably need to take a deep breath and venture out as you probably are ready. Most likely everything will go fine. Most people are so wrapped up in their own little world that they don't notice and if they do, they don't care...

[Sally24]

Laura, believe it or not, I still get butterflies when going to a new place. And I've been going out since 2005! Going out alone can be very hard. Going out with 1 or 2 friends takes much of the stress out of the equation. Stores are pretty easy because most SAs just want to do there job and sell. I don't think I've ever had a bad experience in retail stores. I've been to that DSW and they were fine. You might want to walk down to the corner and check out the Dress Barn too. They have some really cute outfits and their clearance can have some bargains! You won't be the first TG that they have seen there so try relax as best you can. You might get the occasional look but most people are just curious. Keep your eyes up off the floor, you are doing nothing wrong. If you make eye contact with anyone just give them a big smile and move on. Try to avoid the "head nod". That's a guy thing and usually you don't even notice you are doing it. Good luck and enjoy!

[Alice Torn]

Just go out, be confident, take all in stride, avoid dangerous areas.

[Brynna M]

I'll just chime in on the you look great sentiment. I can't see how you wouldn't pass any casual or moderate once over.

[Eringirl]

Hi Laura:

Totally get where you are coming from! as others have stated, it is up to you when you go out. This is not a race. If it is only about whether or not you pass, I think you will be fine and blend in nicely if appropriately dressed, which I assume you will be. I only go out to the normal world and do what I need done, and it is always by myself. To date, no one cares. Sure, some look. I get an occasional eye wink from GGs , but I just say hello in return, sometimes comment on something that they are wearing that I like and move on. SA have never been an issue, never! So as one wise gal once told me, head up, shoulders back, and own it. Act you you belong there, because you do!

And as Donna stated, the first time is major butterflies, but it gets easier and easier. If I can do it alone all the time, you can to! This sounds like a nice opportunity for a first time out, to have someone for support.

Erin

[CONSUELO]

Your pics look very good and to most people you will look just like many women they see around them. But, as others have said, most people are too busy getting on with their own lives to start examining you closely. Besides, you are behaving properly and politely so what does it matter.

That said, don't get yourself worked up over going out. Just wait for the right time and you will be off and running.
By the way, when I first scanned your post and saw "Manchester" I thought wow, she lives near one of the most CD friendly cities in the World. No worries there. Then I looked closely and saw NH.

[Kandi Robbins]

Being a closeted CD, I appreciated docrobbysherry's advice. With hair covering everywhere hair can grow, that looks to be the way it will stay for me. I have zero makeup skills and even if I did, by the time I got everything done, it would be time to shave again. I'd feel like I was about to turn back into a pumpkin at a moments notice.

[Katey888]

Well, if you're just looking for encouragement...

GO! You look great... your outings, style and approach have been an inspiration for me - and if you want to go shopping - well GO! I doubt you'll get many second glances, other than for the right reasons...

But Sherry gave good advice too - although I don't think you're still in the category 'closet' by any means... I feel your fear may be that you'll just enjoy it a little too much for comfort... but as you said in a prior post: Hey! You only live once...

Katey x