Struggling with that idea of Going Out (mainstream)

[Ms. Laura]

WOW! Thank you all for offering your encouragement, tips, advice, and cautionary tales!

Let's just say, yes, damnit, I'm going to go. I need to. I know I won't be attacked in a shoe store, so it'll be OK.

Once I'm in a situation, past the anxiety, I usually play the part well, head up, smile on my face. It's getting in the store, but my friend will be there to pull me in.

I'll report back! Not sure I'll be brazen enough to take selfies in the store, but we'll see. :-)

Dinner will be another night Jennifer! We have our TriEss Yankee swap and potluck that night.

And just as an aside, in response to Butterfly Bill's assertion about TriEss' preoccupation with passing, I'm not sure where you get that? Certainly not my chapter. We're accepting of anyone, we just focus on those with wives. However, you don't need one. And, we have folks who come with a beard, and you know what, it's fine! I've gotten more confidence from the wonderful ladies there than I ever could have guessed.

And Sally, how is it exactly, that we have never run into each other!? I have GOT to meet you and Lorraine one weekend.

[jsunic_1978]

the more we get out, IT IS MAINSTREAM

[Babbs]

Laura,
When I go out its in Manchester as well...far enough from my home so as not to risk being seen by someone I know as I just can't have that. But once comfortable that I feel I don't know anyone around I've gone grocery shopping at Market Basket and Hannafords, shoe and clothing shopping at TJ Maxx, lunch at McD's and it was very fun. When going for a drink though I go to the Breezeway Pub (a gay bar so very CD friendly). I would avoid some of the downtown Manchester streets alone at night though. When I get to go out it's usually late saturday afternoon to early evening. Send me a pm if you would want some company on a saturday shopping for shoes...comfort in numbers...Also what is TriESS btw? I'd like to meet other CD'ers in a group setting.

Thanks
Babbs

[Michellegryl]

Laura, you are more ready than you think and you do not give yourself or your presentation enough credit. You look great and will blend easily. I have been to DSW in Salem and Nashua several times and the SA's were very friendly and professional. The other shoppers were equally friendly and I had some great conversations with several ladies there. Hold your head up, smile and be confident in who you are. I know you will do great, so just go and have some FUN !!!
Hugs
Michelle

[Jennifer Kelly]

By chance the first place I ever went dressed was an art museum. It was free admission that day so a bit crowded, which probably worked to my advantage. No one paid me any mind. I was just another woman looking at art.

That said I still get a bit nervous about going to "mainstream" places but it can be done.

[Nadya]

I completely understand why you feel the need to go out. I feel the same way when I dress. While I haven't gone out shopping (although the idea sounds like so much fun!), my experience of going out for fun dressed up is such a rewarding experience. Don't be afraid of having fun! This is part of your personality and you shouldn't have to suppress it. You've already have been out to CD friendly places now it's time to take the next step! I've heard from many people that sales people are very friendly in generally more feminine business. Have fun!

[Stephanie47]

I'm glad you decided to go out. I'm sure once you get past the feeling everyone is looking at me, you'll do fine. I read a post from last year that you were five foot ten and 170 pounds. I'm sure you'll look like a tall woman, and, there are plenty tall women around these days. Being with a friend should reduce any anxiety. I wish I had the guts to take the plunge in a gender friendly place.

[Dianne S]

I'm just afraid, of what, I'm not sure.

I was afraid too and even now I get the occasional jitters. What you're probably afraid of in order of increasing severity: Someone laughing at you, a group of people laughing or making fun, someone getting upset and insulting you, and physical danger.

I've slowly learned that where I live, this is unlikely. People are pretty tolerant and I'd imagine it's similar in New Hampshire. The first few times were quite nerve-wracking, but now it's not really a big deal. People either don't read me, or they do read me but hide it and are polite. Either way, I have a pleasant experience.

You do need to take sensible precautions. I wouldn't go alone any place a woman is unlikely to be venture alone like in a deserted alley at night or a strip joint at 2am. If you go to family-friendly places, you'll probably be fine.

[Dawn cd]

Laura, You have to ask yourself, what's the worst that could happen? Could you be spotted by someone from the workplace and lose your job? Could it lead to a breakup in your marriage? Those are serious matters. Might you have a moment of embarrassment? That's not a serious matter. Take my word: you won't be arrested, nor will you be taunted by crowds of people. The vast majority of people won't even notice you. That will be nice. In fact, that will be wonderful.

[PaulaQ]

Laura, you'll be fine. Seriously.

You look fine in your picture. You may well pass - if you don't, it'll likely be because your nervousness draws attention to you that your appearance simply wouldn't. Most people don't pay that close of attention to others. If you dress to draw attention to yourself, which I don't recommend for a first time out, you'll attract attention, and then someone may well notice.

Even if they do, most people simply aren't going to care, or want to risk confrontation. Yeah, it can happen. My roommate is 6' 2", wears 4" heels, and miniskirts. She is pretty (I'd kill to have her legs, for instance), she attracts a hell of a lot of attention (she can stop traffic down in our neighborhood), and she doesn't pass because of her size, and body type. She may someday, she may not. She's in transition. For the most part, she goes out and about here without any issues. I've been out in Tulsa Oklahoma, without issue. I am not familiar with where you live in New Hampshire, but do you think it is more conservative than Dallas or Tulsa, or less conservative than in those towns.

Most stores will be happy to take your money, even if they clock you.

If your fear is really that this may be your identity - that you are, in fact, a woman, and that you'll need to transition, in my opinion it's better to face those fears straight on. Hiding from it and trying to avoid it is, if you really are TS, quite unlikely to result in a very happy life for you. But in any case, it'll take WAAAY more than a trip to the shoe store to establish that...

Good luck.

[Nicole Erin]

You don;t have to go out mainstream. Just become a hipster, they hate mainstream. If you dress like an everyday woman of any type, do so "ironically", ride a 10 speed, and make sure you have a hipster ALBUM like Kongos in hand. Must be vinyl.

[Ms. Laura]

Field Report: Mission Accomplished

Ok, I did it! I thank EVERYONE for their encouragement and advice. I put on my jeans, black camisole, nice belted eggplant cardigan, and ballet flats. I did a minimal makeup, neutral eyeshadow, look, grabbed my peacoat and handbag and we hit the store at 3 in the afternoon on a busy holiday shopping day. We could barely get a parking spot in the plaza. Walked what seemed a mile to the store and went in.

First we shopped the clearance 11s, not crowded there. Then branched out to the rest of the store looking for 11s. I needed new heels for a formal party coming up. I tried on at least a dozen pairs. I tried on boots in the front and center of the store. In the checkout line, I waited by myself and went to my own register and talked to the woman who was very nice.

Did I get some glances, yes, but other than that, nothing. I feel really good about the day. I'm still processing it. Later I walked down the busiest street in Manchester to the bar, so it was a very "out" kind of day.

Oh, and yes, I got some Calvin Klein cage heeled sandals with a zip up heel. I also got a cute pair of keds for my next shopping trip

Thanks!

[Jenniferathome]

Good on you Laura!

[kimdl93]

Way to go, Laura! So what's next?

[TessaOKC]

You do look beautiful and confident. I think you should go out as well. Sometimes I find it easier to "Dress Down" as it draws less attention. That may be helpful for your first time. Good luck!!

[Ms. Laura]

Hmmm, I'm not sure what's next. Possibly out to eat. .. Really fear the bathroom situation though.

[Dianne S]

You might want to research the bathroom laws where you live. Or you can be a tourist and come to Ontario ... it's only about a six hour drive from southern NH and we have a law called Toby's Law that prevents discrimination on the basis of gender identity or gender expression.

I still feel slightly nervous using the women's washroom, but nothing bad has happened so far.

[Suzanne F]

It's up to you Laura. Most people will reflect how you feel about the experience. There will be a few odd stares but that can just be ignored if you are in the moment. I promise you look fine and can pull it off. Keep your head up and concentrate on the smiles that you get back. You can and should do it. If you do it once prepare to want more!
Suzanne

Sorry I missed the post where you had already gone out. See I told you!
Suzanne

[Rogina B]

[QUOTE=Ms. Laura;3655663.. Really fear the bathroom situation though.[/QUOTE] Get over it! Bathrooms[anywhere] are only a big deal if you make them one...You know how I feel about things ...Just get out there and get some street time..There is no substitute for street time in the mainstream world...

[kimdl93]

Laura, I've used the women's restrooms at McDonald, clothing stores, museums, hotels, auto service centers and the convenience stores on the Kansas Turnpike without any incident.

[Alison Bellis]

Laura you look great. You have just got to go for it. Go somewhere where it's going to be busy, shopping is great, lots of people doing their own thing. They are not going to be looking at you. And those that do won't give you a second glance. If you do get the odd look just smile and move on. The smile and looking confident is important. Within a couple of minutes you'll realise just how easy it is and be wondering what it was that you were so nervous about. The problem is, it, becomes addictive. Be warned,

Alison X

[Vintage4sarah]

Laura,

I am so happy for you that you got the opportunity to go out and have such a pleasant experience.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I see you've already gone out, but my advice was to "pull on your big girl panties" and just go out

Laura, believe it or not, I still get butterflies when going to a new place. And I've been going out since 2005! Going out alone can be very hard. Going out with 1 or 2 friends takes much of the stress out of the equation. Stores are pretty easy because most SAs just want to do there job and sell. I don't think I've ever had a bad experience in retail stores. I've been to that DSW and they were fine. You might want to walk down to the corner and check out the Dress Barn too. They have some really cute outfits and their clearance can have some bargains! You won't be the first TG that they have seen there so try relax as best you can. You might get the occasional look but most people are just curious. Keep your eyes up off the floor, you are doing nothing wrong. If you make eye contact with anyone just give them a big smile and move on. Try to avoid the "head nod". That's a guy thing and usually you don't even notice you are doing it. Good luck and enjoy!

I've gone out alone in the real world, but I am able to go to more mainstream places with a CD friend.

I've been to DSW (in boy mode). I's nice that the size 11 shoes are labeled in a different color to spot them easier.

I've been to many Dress Barns (en femme) and have always been treated wonderfully.

I've been to Ulta and MAC en femme. I go to a nail salon, sometimes in boy mode, sometimes en femme.

The first time I ever went out en femme was at the Maryland Renaissance Festival where I was among thousands of people, but practically invisible.

But, I still haven't gone into VS.

[fiseldon5]

Pick a quiet street or area that you know and walk it. First time experience is exciting.

[~Joanne~]

Laura, if that is YOU in your avatar picture, I don't think your going to get many bad responses while out and about. These "fears" we all feel, comes naturally because we have all been born and bred to believe certain things MUST be this way or it's the wrong way. To Me, just being on this forum, registering and actually posting, was the first step of breaking out of that mind frame.

There isn't one girl here that just went out the door one day and all has been well ever since. There were a lot of fears that had to be over came before it happened. A lot of inner turmoil, followed by curiosity, followed by an uncontrollable desire to get past that door. The more it was done, the more natural it became. The girls that say "just do it" have been doing it for years upon years, they have long since gotten pass their own fears.

Only you know if this is right for you or not, Don't get worked up over it, if it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't. Your not ready and there is ABSOLUTELY no shame in that. You will know when the time is right, the place will be right, the company will be right and you'll be fully confident in yourself, then the world is yours!

I do know how you feel though, every halloween I start to get antsy because I do NOT want to miss the opportunity to get out there. Halloween coming once a year it seems more desperate that the cards line up but going to a shoe store? that can happen at any time you chose. Whatever you do decide, I really do hope it's the experience that you cherish forever.