Our ability to hide being trans

[Michelle789]

When I first came on the forum, I posted a thread about being teased about being gay or being a girl by friends and co-workers.

As I came out to my friends and families, the vast majority of people admitted they saw nothing obviously feminine about me, and were completely shocked by me being trans. However, most people thought I was obviously extremely stiff and unrelaxed as a man, and very obviously uncomfortable in my own skin, and that has disappeared since I came out as a woman.

One of my closest friends admitted to me that she felt a certain level of comfort and safety around me that she normally only feels around women. As if I gave off some deep, sub-conscious vibe, that I was female on the inside all of these years. She was one of the few people that wasn't shocked by my coming out as trans. In spite of the fact that there was seemingly nothing obviously feminine about my presentation.

I also never was seen chasing after women, never seen flirting with any women, and never had a girlfriend, and never talked about any exes. I was never particularly that macho either.

My family told me that my behavior and mannerisms was feminine as a kid, and that I learned to hide it around the age of 16 - around the same time my parents started noticing I was very stiff.

People who knew me when I was drunk thought I wasn't stiff, but very angry all the time.

So it seems that repressing anything feminine caused me to appear extremely stiff. Alcohol relaxed me but made me angry.

So why would people tease me about being gay or being a girl all of these years, before I ever came out to anyone? Were they just being sarcastic or facetious? Is this just typical male banter? Or did people pick up on something feminine about me to start persistently making such jokes?

I know this might sound like I should just let it go, but I'm still trying to figure this one out. I know you might be thinking, this is irrelevant, and who cares, since I'm out and full-time. But a part of me still wants some answers.

[Thea Pauline]

Hi Michelle,

I have experienced some of this and I came to the conclusion that I had never been as good at hiding my true nature as I thought. I have been out and full time for a while and I have heard more stories of how we 'knew you'd figure it out one day'. As if they had any idea of what was going on. My experience has told me that many people get uncomfortable and start saying things they have not really thought through. Unfortunately, I think you are correct that this may be one of those things you just have to let go. Some of this type of interaction with people ended up not being worth my time to analyze and I gave them a pass.

Good luck,

[BeckyW]

So why would people tease me about being gay or being a girl all of these years, before I ever came out to anyone? Were they just being sarcastic or facetious? Is this just typical male banter? Or did people pick up on something feminine about me to start persistently making such jokes?

I was bullied a lot as a kid, until around age 15... I think that kids pick up on subtle cues that we overlook, and focus their energies on kids who are different.

I know this might sound like I should just let it go, but I'm still trying to figure this one out. I know you might be thinking, this is irrelevant, and who cares, since I'm out and full-time. But a part of me still wants some answers.

I think most trans people feel this way. I know I do.

[DebbieL]

When I came out to my family back in 1989, my sister said "You've always been the big sister I never had, now I get you for real!". She even moved in with me for a while, and we were buddies - we were always closer than I was with my brother who was just... a boy... but my sister liked him. My brother said it all made sense now, everyone thought I was gay, but I didn't show any interest in guys. My mother had known since I was 6 and knew for years after, partly because I used to "borrow" her clothes. She was covert about passing a few things to me so I wouldn't have to steal them. Dad was the only one who took it badly. He was effeminate himself and considered himself "75% female". But when I came out he said "Do you have to throw it in my face?". I didn't find out until after mom died that the little "birth certificate" they used to label the "bassinet" had "Ballard Boy?" - with a question mark! My father never explained that, but did explain that my parents were trying to protect me from psychiatrists who wanted to give me a lobotomy.

In grade school, the boys beat me up for being a "Sissy". The girls just considered me one of them, but the teachers wouldn't allow me to play with girls because some girl's mother got upset and called her political friends, including some folks on the school board.

In Jr High - I still got beat up, but now for being a "fairy" - like "Tinkerbell". Gym was a daily exercise in terror. But when I turned 14, the choir teacher made me try out for choir and told me I had a beautiful bass voice. I heard it as "life in solitary confinement, without the possibility of parole". I started hanging with the "druggies" trying to overdose every week-end, usually 2-3 times a week. I was misdiagnosed with epilepsy which made the cocktails more deadly, and the black-outs more spectacular. My friends never knew whether I was going to end up in the coat room making some lucky girl scream into a pillow, or end up in the street, bruised and beaten for verbally castrating bikers, cowboys, or truckers.

In high school, several gay boys came on to me, then came out to me. Many were convinced that I was gay, because I was so effeminate, but they didn't understand that REX was asexual and DEBBIE was bisexual. Both girls and boys were confused by this. Girls caught on pretty quickly because I wanted more foreplay. I also liked it when they were the aggressors.

In college, it took about 3 months for the kids in my stage movement class to realize that I was transgender, but that vocabulary didn't exist in those days. They gave me a magazine with pictures of transvestites, with hair legs, arms, and chests, next to big strong guys, and I was repulsed. I so wanted to be a pretty girl, and I even had a 38-28-42 figure, but a flat chest I couldn't stand to look at - even though there were only about 3 hairs on it. A few friends tried to get me to dress up, but I was afraid that if I did it in public, I might get kicked out of school, or attacked by members of the stage crew where I worked as a stage carpenter.

I did have a "lesbian lover", and she loved that I was willing to be that for her. She even noticed that I smiled when she told me, and I admitted that's how I felt. We broke up about 2 months later, because she found an Arab boyfriend who didn't want to share.

I tried several times to "Butch up" - but my dance teacher could't get me to butch up enough for the role of Caiaphas in J.C. Superstar (very bass voice) so she put 25 lb weights on each wrist and ankle and made me wear them for 3 weeks in a row. She also made me wear flat shoes. I made it through the show, but not much more.

Other girl-friends and even a boy-friend realized that I was obviously feminine even when I was trying to be butch. I'd sit with my feet under my butt, like a girl, I'd cover my mouth with my hand when I laughed or giggled, I had a high musical laugh, I was very musical when I spoke, often covering 3 octaves in a single sentence. At the same time, I didn't act like a "Nelly queen", I was feminine, not effeminate. And a couple of girls told me that when we would kiss and cuddle, they would close their eyes and think they were kissing a girl. Again, my smile at that comment gave me away. The strange thing is that I was STILL terrified of what would happen if I ever actually told anyone "I want to be a girl".

When I ended up in therapy - I felt so trapped and so helpless, I eventually tried to kill myself in a way that should have done the job with certainty (a quarter pound of ground class), and didn't tell anyone for FOUR DAYS. When I did, I was pulled into a room with the entire treatment staff, and they said "what were you thinking!" and I told them "I want to be a girl, and I'm trapped in this ****ing boy's body and I hate the body" - their response, by a woman on the team, was "We can't talk about that". I found out later that telling them that, in that state, at that time, was a good way to get locked up in the state psychiatric hospital and zonked out on Haldol.

When I met the woman who would become my wife, she walked into our grand opening party wearing boys sneakers, corduroy pants, flannel shirt, and boy's haircut. She walked in with her "sister" who wasn't her sister, and when I asked if she was married she said "Sorta", and I continued to flirt and get her to laugh, then moved on to mix with others at the party. Where her "sister" asked her boy-friend to help her fix Leslie and me up, I went for it because I though Leslie was a lesbian who was attracted to me because I was so feminine. I didn't find out until a week AFTER the wedding, that she WASN'T a lesbian and had NO desire to see me dressed or in any other way as a woman. Of course she didn't mind if I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, changed diapers, or gave the kids a bath, but she hated my femininity.

I eventually learned to act a little more "butch" - mainly to preserve the marriage, and to survive at work. Eventually, we saw a couples counselor and Leslie started out with "Rex has a little wardrobe problem and I'm not a lesbian". The therapist did some one on one and quickly realized that I was transsexual and should transition ASAP - he was surprised I hadn't killed myself already, and then pointed out that I had tried several times before.

I tried to be masculine for a "leadership program", but it was so obviously fake and inauthentic that I realized I wouldn't be a great public speaker. I was a powerful leader, but more as a writer and behind the scenes, good at "covert leadership".

I had to postpone my transition because my ex had made a credible threat that if I didn't stop transition, I would never see the kids again, or talk to them, and I would STILL have to pay her child support and her husband for day care. That almost DID kill me. My weight doubled, eventually reaching 330 lbs, and I had a heart attack and a stroke.

When I did start transition, I was talking pills for blood pressure and heart, but when my heart doctor heard I was taking Spiro, he took me off the other 4 drugs because the one did a better job - and I LIKED the side effects. The estrogen was good too. But he was neutral on that.

Now that I have transitioned, I am so much happier. I love facing the day, I can have real feelings, I can listen better, and I am more calm. I can love and feel loved in ways I had never felt before. I experience joy every time I'm acknowledged as a woman, whether it's someone holding the door for me, or a strong man helping me put my computer bag in the overhead on the airplane. I don't have to hide, but I don't stand out either. People see me as an average middle aged woman, most people assume I'm in my 40s even though I'm pushing 60. The strange thing is that I didn't have to change much of anything, I already had the feminine mannerisms, the way of speaking. I did have to tame down the wardrobe a bit, but it was worth it.

My only regret, was that I couldn't do it when I was 18 or 21.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I want lots of answers too. I wish it were different but the rabbit hole is deeper than you can imagine

Debbie is this what you want to go over and over and over again all the endless details of everything that ever happened to you? Is that what being so much happier means to you? Michelle you can spend your time searching for "answers" but wouldn't you rather just live and let live and be the person you are. What part of you wants answers? What do you expect to gain from answers? Memories and the past are poor narrators anyway.

[Michelle789]

It's kind of a strange paradox how people perceived me before I transitioned.

1. My mom and brother noticed my behavior as a kid, until the age of 15/16, was very feminine, along with my mannerisms

2. My mom, dad, and brother all thought I was gay

3. My brother, although he is having tremendous difficulty understanding, said that me being TG explains a lot of things

4. I was bullied by four girls at the age of 16-17. I faced plenty of bullying before and after high school as well.

5. People teased me about being gay or a girl pretty consistently throughout my life. In fact the gay/girl jokes were a normal part of my life until I started transition.

6. From age 16 to 19 I was very stiff.

7. At age 19, I started drinking, and became increasingly angry or mellow, depending on my mood, as a drunk.

8. At age 27, I got sober, and my stiffness returned.

9. One of my closest friends admitted to me that she felt the feminine energy from me, and that she essentially felt I was one of the girls. She was also the one who put lipstick on me in front of my friends 4 1/2 years ago. She remembered how happy I was that night and that I wore the lipstick for several hours before going to sleep.

10. My sponsor's wife wasn't too surprised either, and thought I always appeared to be extremely uncomfortable in my own skin, although she didn't think I was gay.

11. Most people were completely surprised and told me they noticed nothing obviously feminine about me.

12. Just about everybody told me that I seem way more relaxed, happy, natural, and myself, since I have come out and started living as a woman. Hormones are helping with this too.

So stiffness and being uncomfortable in my own skin were the obvious traits I had as an adult. Obvious feminine behavior seemed to disappear around age 15/16. But maybe people did pick up on subconscious or very subtle gender cues, or maybe my energy, or maybe even the fact that I didn't chase after women. Maybe they couldn't draw the connection in a very clear, obvious manner, but were able to express this in a way that they were able to make a casual joke me being gay or girl, or it affected the way they treated me.

@Kaitlyn - I believe Debbie is sharing her own experience, strength, and hope. It is the AA way of doing things. Talking about this might in turn help someone else who is struggling with this. Many of us go to great lengths to hide this, and we might hide it well, and sometimes we don't hide it so well. Maybe it changes with time, and different people see different things.

As for happiness, the only thing I am unhappy with right now is Ebeneezer Scrooge my landlord who made me and my neighbors take down our Christmas lights.

[Starling]

I have all the answers I need. As I am a woman, I should live as one. But to summon up the courage to make my wife of many years shun me; to scatter my worldly goods to the four winds when most people are enjoying their retirement; and last but not least, to run the very real risk of death by heart attack or stroke--that's my problem. It's a colossal double bind, I tell ya.

Lallie

[becky77]

There are no answers, people's memories just aren't good enough to recall the information you require.
I thought I was great at hiding this stuff but in hindsight many cues still remained, I was different from the other boys and on some level they knew that. You can't truly hide this stuff as its part of our being, I would imagine our back stories would have many similarities.

I was called camp and thought of as gay by some people. Thing is people see what might be feminine they don't ever think trans, they think gay. If they say you are girly it's usually an insult as boys think that's the worst thing to be. I know of many totally straight guys that were picked on or bullied (probably they are just quiet and sensitive) and usually gay or girly is what they were called.
It's not because somehow the bullies pick up on your trans nature, its because they see you as different and call you what they think is the meanest nicknames, boys/men think stripping another boy/man of masculinity is the ultimate insult. It's that ingrained risk to masculinity that makes men so unsettled when we transition.
It's a very common occurrence in schools and workplaces everywhere, its because you are TS that you are reading more into it, than is actually there.

[Starling]

That's very smart, Becky. When I was ten or eleven the girl downstairs called me a "queer," but I'm pretty sure she had no concept. I think she was just angry because I had called her "Tamba," which was the name of the chimpanzee mascot on Ramar, King of the Jungle.

When I asked my mother what "queers" were, she told me they were men who lounged around in women's underwear. So without knowing it, between them my mother and the girl got me almost right. Ha!

Lallie

[noeleena]

Hi,

Hiding ones self , thats something i never did though could not talk about myself ether, let alone to any males . never,.......

Concerning ones masculinity and others wonting to be top dog , was not so in my case there never has been they picked and abused me because i was not a big or tall as them and i did not fight back or retailiat back,

i was to soft and did not mix with them , i used to out run them and hide in the girls side of our school and hide i did ,till bell went, there were four against one , i used to out smart them some times till they blocked me off .at least i did have a safe place and the girls never said a word . in many ways school was my hell hole,

my first 10 years of school not good for some one like myself more so if your not male .

I accept many Trans people do hide them selfs for any number of reasons and allso dressers,

I did not hide, in many ways because i was percived as a boy who was different and an easy target and of cause in our day intersex was not well known 1947 =1960.s was not talked about any way . and in some ways i would have been done over had they known i was and had it been known i was female oh hell it would have been all on, so i put up with it , never said a word ,

now answers to ?s hey i,v a lot and i know i,ll never have an answer so thats the end of it , all i know is i was born different live life as who i am defects and all,, corrective surgerys have taken care of some issues others i live with and they are not importaint not now.

i have a fantastic life as a normal woman im 67 a mature woman and accepted for who i am my past has given me what i needed to get where i am now .

My defects flaws missing organs and a whole list of detail dont count any more because we must leave what has happened taken place and not let us not live our life as we should, because if we still hold on to that then have we really grown as a person and have a life we can live and really be happy in our selfs i know to many who are still trying to drag them selfs through the muck will they get out of it maybe though the way they are going i doubt it or maybe they dont wont to,

sorry im ..... NOT.....going back to my muck once is enough im long over it.

...noeleena...

[PaulaQ]

So why would people tease me about being gay or being a girl all of these years, before I ever came out to anyone? Were they just being sarcastic or facetious? Is this just typical male banter? Or did people pick up on something feminine about me to start persistently making such jokes?

I think there are a couple of likely reasons you experienced this. We'll never know if they picked up femininity in you - but they probably did notice that you weren't terribly aggressive. Accusing you of being "a girl" or a "gay" is a way for other males to push you down. (While also pushing down women or gay men, because femininity is viewed as weakness by guys like that.) It's just an easy put down too.

Also, you never had a girlfriend. That was a clue people notice. So obviously if you didn't like girls, you must be gay. (The holes in that logic are just rampant.)

Some of your friends might've picked up some on the girl hiding under your shell, too.

[Dianne S]

I guess I have a different experience from most of you. No-one ever suspected I was trans. I didn't have feminine or "gay" mannerisms at all. And although I was not interested in typical "guy" things, I also wasn't interested in typical "girl" things as a kid like cooking or playing with dolls, etc. On the other hand, I have two sisters and one of them is not "girly" in any way either. So you can be a woman without being a stereotype.

I fantasized at a very early age (6 or so) about being a girl, but I also knew this was not something I should mention. I am very good at acting.

[Dawn cd]

Trans people were called gay or sissy in times past because those were the only categories people had. The whole phenomenon of trans or intersexed persons—while known to professionals—was not part of common knowledge. The testimonies in this thread suggest that human experience is so much broader and more complex than we have boxes to put it in.

[becky77]

So you can be a woman without being a stereotype.

Well children have been playing with dolls for years, i'm pretty sure at that age they weren't fixated on keeping up a stereotype. This idea that if you are feminine or girly (let's not get into the definitions here) then you must be a stereotype, is frankly insulting. My niece loves dolls and pink, shall I go tell her she isn't a real girl just a stereotype?

It reminds me of people looking for racism when there isn't any, usually if you're looking for racism you're rasist. If you're seeing sterotypes everywhere maybe you are the one guilty of stereotyping?

Dianne this isn't specifically aimed at you, rather the trend on here of late, to get worked up about sterotypes and femininity.

Can we just be sensible here, some of us are 'girly' or have female mannerisms and that in no way impacts on those of us that aren't or don't and vise-versa.

But those of us that do, couldn't hide it despite trying real hard, and we certainly weren't stereotyping as we were trying our best just to fit in. We were noticed as different, kids can't identify that difference, they just see a perceived weakness and bullying ensues. They don't know why you're different and realistically they will spend zero time pondering it, hence why later in life they can't answer any questions of why they said this or that. Because it just wasn't that big a deal to them.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Yes we all have experience to share..but its all different. And i do think about my past sometimes...I didn't really date much, and some people picked up on "something different" about me, most did not... lots of us really "manned up", we had opposite experiences compared to people that were teased or bullied....this stuff doesn't tell us anymore than the idiotic things like measuring your fingers.... back then we were all coping with a huge nasty problem, and how we coped is probably with us all today

It just matters very little what people thought of us when we were younger.. Have at it if you must, but there is little to gain from answering 10 questions about your past other than moving on to the next 10.
You do not need the implied approval of people from 20 years ago to bolster your case that you are doing the right thing.

And if you are reliving your past its one thing to think about it a lot, its quite another thing to replay it over and over and over at every opportunity. that's not about simply sharing the past, that's something to try to get over

It doesn't matter if i'm right or wrong, I just hope you focus on what is going to help you get your best quality of life, perhaps it will work for some people to endlessly analyze, but its my feeling that too much looking back is not going to help...and michelle specifically you rely WAY! too much on what others think, so much so that you look back on your past and try to guess what they thought or meant by thing they said... its my hope that you can focus your analytical mind on keeping it simple and executing a rewarding transition

you are doing an amazing and courageous thing, you don't need others, past or present, to approve, agree, or even understand. That's why sometimes I respond the way I do to you..

[Dianne S]

Becky,

I agree with you 100%. I don't mean to imply that little girls who like dolls and dressing up as princesses have anything wrong with them. Everyone should be free to express his or her personality in whatever way feels right. I was just giving my perspective of never being accused of being gay or a sissy even though I'm trans.

[arbon]

Early in transition it seemed important for me to understand or pick apart the past to validate what I was doing. None of it ends up mattering though, it does not change a thing about today.

[ReineD]

There is something else to consider.

If I were to talk to two total strangers at the same time and they were asked afterwards to give an account of their impressions of me, they would come up with two completely different descriptions. This is because people always frame what they see and hear in terms of what makes sense to them, what they know based on their own personalities and the sum total of all their past experiences. We all look at the world through different lenses. In painting class, twenty different students will see and paint the same model in twenty different ways. My brother and I have two completely different memories of the same events in our childhoods.

Gender identity is felt inwardly, it is not seen. TSs come in all combinations of DNA, from a slight, shorter person who doesn't have much body hair to a hirsute TS who is 6'4 with broad shoulders and a deep, booming voice. Likewise, there are non-macho looking men who have full male identities (i.e. the stereotypical pretty-boy).

The impressions we give people come from two different sources: the physical impression (how we look, how we sound, how we move as the result of our genetic, sexual characteristics) plays a large role in giving others impressions about us, we cannot dismiss our physical presence. And then there are the more subtle cues that people pick up through body-language that reflect our internal attitudes, the way we feel about ourselves. Some people are more intuitive than others and can maybe pick up on how we feel about things, but it is my impression that many (most?) people aren't very good at it.

I hope you are not putting yourself down if people in your past didn't pick up on the way you felt. The importance is that you have taken steps to make your physical self match the way you feel and now people know who you are.

I also never was seen chasing after women, never seen flirting with any women, and never had a girlfriend, and never talked about any exes.

Maybe this is why people thought you were gay? I have a mid-20s nephew who is absolutely gorgeous, in fact he is a model. Girls notice him, but he has never had a girlfriend. He keeps telling us about why this girl or that one (whom we have never met) didn't work out, but frankly I think he is gay and I wish he would just come out, find someone to love, and be happy. I don't know if he is also trans, but I wish he would come out about that too if this were the case. His family would still love her.

[Annaliese]

As I get older I am getting to the point of not hiding being trans. When I was younger, I think it was a inability to hide it, had friend but not close friend, I think the inability to hide it even then had a affect on my friends

[DebbieL]

I want lots of answers too. I wish it were different but the rabbit hole is deeper than you can imagine

Debbie is this what you want to go over and over and over again all the endless details of everything that ever happened to you?

Many of us who are older lived through a time that was very dangerous for transsexuals. Most girls my age didn't make it. Even the LGB community rejected us.
I'm grateful for what we have now, and love that I am finally free, but I do grieve that my parents didn't get to meet their daughter, that I had to spend years hiding like a Jewish person in Nazi Europe. I read books of families and friends who are supportive now and it fills me with joy. If I had anything to do with that, then I am glad.

Is that what being so much happier means to you?

I'm acutely aware that there are those who want to go back to the "good old days", who want to deny all of the rights. I'm grateful that I have a life and lots of wonderful people who love me, that I'm able to actually experience their love and share my love. But you're probably right, it would be better to move on - a better book maybe.

Memories and the past are poor narrators anyway.

True. I don't live in the past, but I have learned from the past, and I realize that I have taken huge ground.
I also know that every day there are those who don't make it. Those who are killed because they can't hide that they are transgender.
There are those who are shot because they have the wrong color skin.
There are those who are crippled because they held hands with their same-sex partner.
And those who are brutally tortured and terrorized because they can't hide that they are transgender.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

we were talking about whether it helps to think back on cues from our past that may have been read by other people
how does that lead to you talking about "most of them not making it", terror, torture and Nazis??? this is what i'm saying...over and over...
The problems you cite are real, but there is a time and place to acknowledge them, but there is surely no reason to insert a detailed self absorbed laundry list of victimhood into every conversation..maybe you can just make a sticky

btw...i'm 52..i have lots of older ts friends...we all made it (including some that make it even though they don't transition)...

[Starling]

Nobody I've come out to had any prior inkling I was trans, including gay friends of long standing. We elder transwomen became very good at concealment, until that moment arrived when we wanted every blasted person on Earth to know who we really were. I used to fear discovery, but now my greatest fear is to die as a false man.

Lallie

[KellyJameson]

I would urge you to be cautious with the word feminine. A feminine man is not a feminine woman. The fact that people did not perceive you as feminine could be a good thing because it meant they did not perceive you as a "feminine man"

Have you ever met a woman who acts like a feminine man? I have'nt.

Femininity is something you exude (woman) not who you are (man) as to being a feminine man. In a woman femininity comes out of her from a deep place but with a feminine man it is on the surface and easily identifiable and often makes him appear distorted.

I have never been mistaken for a feminine man and if I was I probably would never have identified as a woman (because I would not have been)

I have absolutely nothing in common with feminine men as to "my essence and energy"

The gay question as to why others perceive you as such is a natural response to something they feel in your presence but cannot articulate or identify so they go to the labels they know which is "gay"

It is also natural to wonder if you are gay because you will be "aware of men" in a way "men are not".

This comes out of the same place that created your identity as a woman (energy from biology/brain ) and why you identify as a woman (what was created by this energy out of this biology/brain )

Look at your relations with men and women. You will relate to women differently than men do. You will relate to men differently than men do and both genders will be somewhat confused by you until they understand that you are a woman which than potentially creates other forms of confusion but at least this confusion can be worked through in most cases as they begin to "see your truth"

To not be aligned with your body affects your sexuality because you are trying to use a body that is the opposite of your energy. Your identity will be affected by sex and this "may create" questioning, apprehension and confusion.

In my opinion it is absolutely natural that you are pondering the "gay quesion" It is likely that part of you will feel like "maybe you are" and part of you will feel like "you are not".

I was absolutely sure I was not gay but yet I kept wondering if I was. You have the energy and brain of a woman without the body to go with it. This has to create confusion and problems on every level.

It almost makes it impossible to know anything about yourself so you live perpetually questioning yourself without ever having the hope or possibility of answering those questions.

The stiffness is a defense mechanism that comes out of being forced to monitor every action and thought to hide yourself (her). You close down and stop being natural. In my opinion this is an aspect of suppressing yourself so suppressing your identity. You severed the natural relationship you had with yourself (her) that betrayed the female within by shutting down your mind and body

This is very different than the persona a feminine man takes on who wants the world to know he is a feminine man or the sensitive man who clearly identifies as a man but whose sensitivity makes him stand apart from other men.

A sensitive woman has a strength that is usually missing or reduced in a sensitive man because she can handle the emotions that go "with it" (sensitivity) and "come out of it" (sensitivity) better.

[Mariana]

I can easily relate to a lot of situations mentioned here. Even though it's maybe too soon to think I'll go through transition, having started vistis to a psychologist three months ago I'm remembering situations I've buried for the past 15 years or so.

I remember recognizing myself as a girl until I was 8. I was labeled as gay by some of my uncles, I wore my sister and mothers clothes almost daily (sometimes even when they were around). After that I was able to create my defense and act male, even if it took some years I was able to act the way people wanted me to be. I remember one of those uncles telling my mom "I would be fine" when I was a teenager, but the feeling to be in the wrong body, with the wrong sex identity never got away for a single day in my life.

I have spent my 20s as a very convincing male, but also as someone that had some "insvisible problem", since I've showed some anguish when everything seemed to be fine. Only in 2013 I've recognized myself as I am, and only recently I've got pyschological support and told my girlfiriend about my situation. It's still too soon to think about transition but since I've gotten more freedom to explore my possibilities I've found a rollercoaster which goes from utopical peace when I'm dressed to very low points when I think about facing society, since the shock would be gigantic. For now, I just got rid of my body hair (except for arms), I'm dressing daily (FINALLY with a good wig! ) and letting things happen.

Two weeks ago, I was very happy to hear two girls from college telling me, out of nothing, that I have a "feminine brain". These girls came from a phase where I think I was able to act male all the time, so it was surprising and pleasant to hear this.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Michelle,
So I'm hearing you feel this has affected you at a fairly young age.
You prefer to be with the girls, rather than the boys. Was it Barbies over Tonka trucks?
Did you ever play with a Tonka truck? Is it a fun memory? (Just setting a base here)
As you got older, teens perhaps, the girls you preferred to hang out with, were they the
cheerleaders? the good girls? the bad girls? , or somewhere in between?
I'm not trying to figure out your inner most thoughts (I've got enough crap in my head right now)
But if there is a reason people seem to keep consistently making remarks to you about your gender presentation
I would think yeah looking back, I am different, now what?
Do I need to burn those Tonka trucks for you?
You know whats happening in YOUR life, don't worry if other people "think" they know you.
Much Love,
Kristyn